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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask dh not to drink?

43 replies

babytinkabell · 18/12/2011 13:50

I've been with my dh for 11 years. In all the time we've been together he never drank an awful lot, but sometimes when he starts he doesn't know when to stop and will drink till he's sick. This hasn't happened for years, since we had the kids really. Back at the start he was occasionally violent towards me when he drank. Again its years since this happened.
In September he went out one night with his two BILs. He was supposed to be back around 11.45 so I could go out to collect foster d from a local disco. Instead he rang his sis and asked her to call over and sit with my kids while i went to get her. He finally arrived home around 3 a.m. completely pissed. Foster d had 2 friends staying and my nephew was also spending the night. I got dh up to the bedroom and asked him to be quiet so he didn't wake the kids. He stood up and told me to shut up or he'd go down and throw them all out of the house. Then he started telling me to fuck off, that i never really cared about him etc. I got really freaked out that he'd start getting violent so i went across the road and got my bil to come over and calm him down. He did and dh basically just fell asleep in the end (after being sic everywhere). Luckily none of the kids woke while this was going on.
We talked the next day about him drinking and he said he doesn't think he has a problem. I disagree with this, I think its quite a serious problem.
Anyway he's going out tomorrow night with same BILs and I really want to ask him not to drink. However i realise that he's not a child and i can't tell him what to do. But I can't risk him ever coming home like that again. What if the kids had woken and been afraid? Or if he had tried to throw them out. AIBU to tell him its fine to go out but not to drink seeing as he can't seem to stop once he starts? He has to travel to the hospital early the next morning as well to bring his dad to a check up and i don't want to risk him losing hi licence for still being over the limit.

OP posts:
controlpantsandgladrags · 18/12/2011 14:47

It sounds like you have reached a good compromise. If he doesn't uphold his end of the bargain though, there need to be serious consequences. How would the children have felt if they'd heard him threaten to throw them out of the house? The fact that he's capable of saying such a thing makes me think maybe you shouldn't be fostering.

Original poster
babytinkabell · 18/12/2011 14:49

Just to clarify, he didn't mean our kids/foster d when he said that, he meant her friends.

OP posts:
michglas · 18/12/2011 14:50

He was referring to her friends, which would have still upset her. Yet another example of SS placing a child with an inappropriate family.

blackcatjay · 18/12/2011 14:52

OP I hope your dh realises how serious his actions are. I'm sure you appreciate that foster children have had a tough enough start in life already without ending up in a household where alcohol is a problem. So no, you are defNBU to ask him not to drink - he needs to control himself.

FairToMiddlin · 18/12/2011 14:56

Anybody who tends to become aggressive / violent after drinking should not drink. Full stop.

Plenty of people go out and enjoy themselves without drinking. If your DH drinks as little as you say he does - it should be no hardship.

Original poster
babytinkabell · 18/12/2011 14:57

Blackcatjay he DOES realise. It is because we are fostering and have kids that he doesn't drink any more. I am NOT condoing what he did that night but we are good foster parents and I think its unfair for people to say otherwise because of one mistake he made. He is doing his best to rectify it. We all make mistakes. We make mistakes with our own kids and with foster kids. How many people have shouted at their own kids or slapped them and realsied afterwards that they shouldn't have. It doesn't mean they shouldnt be parents. Ss have not placed a child with an inappropriate family. Maybe we're not perfect but I dont know anyone who is.

OP posts:
Original poster
babytinkabell · 18/12/2011 14:59

Fairtomiddlin I agree, which is why I posted the question in the first place. But I'm not going to argue over two drinks because I know dh after 2 drinks will be fine. It's when he's out for hours and hours like last time that theres a problem.

OP posts:
yousankmybattleship · 18/12/2011 14:59

I think some people have got a bit over excited on this thread. It doesn't sound as if the OP's partner has a drinking problem, rather it sounds as if he has BILs who lead him astray very occasionally. Nobody is perfect. I think what the OP was asking was how to manage this situation. If he's decided to limit himself to two drinks then he's obviously aware of the danger himself. OP I would be inclined to say to him that if he has more than two drinks he needs to find somewhere else to sleep for the night. Hopefully he'd be happy to agree to that. The people who are talking aobut ringing social servies need to calm down. Parents (even foster parents) are human beings and are allowed to make mistakes from time to time without being subject to a witch-hunt!

michglas · 18/12/2011 15:00

One mistake? He did it in the past so he has a history of it. He has a problem with drink, so stop making excuses for him. And you can't say he doesn't drink anymore, because he is going with his BIL for a couple - I would put any money on it that he rings you nearer to 11 and says he's not ready to be picked up. He should not be drinking full-stop.

People that have that type of problem with drink and refuse to stay away from it completely, should not be trusted with other people's children.

EricNordmanfirandMistletoe · 18/12/2011 15:02

Have you disclosed all this to your supervising social worker? Because you need to, tomorrow. You cannot be a foster carer if you are prone to violent episodes and excessive drinking. It is simply not acceptable.

The reason foster carers are held to exceptionally high standards of behaviour is because they are looking after DCs who have been badly/abusively parented and these DCs deserve the best, not a sub standard home life.

FairToMiddlin · 18/12/2011 15:03

OP - I have experience of living with somebody who was the nicest person you could ever wish to meet when sober but was a violent drunk.

He also was fine after two drinks but you cannot guarantee that he will stop at two. You will still be anxious. Sometimes the waiting for them to come home is almost as bad as the aggression. It's not fair on you and it's not fair on the DC.

I think the suggestion that he stays somewhere else overnight is a good one.
That way you can relax.

I hope everything works out for you Smile

EricNordmanfirandMistletoe · 18/12/2011 15:05

He is doing his best to rectify it

No, he isn't, that would be to stop drinking, get counselling and deal with it. Not pretend it isn't a problem.

EricNordmanfirandMistletoe · 18/12/2011 15:06

It is not hysterical to suggest telling social services- this couple work for social services and it is their job to be open and honest with their supervisor.

MabelLucyAttwell · 18/12/2011 15:08

Gonzo33

I know someone who drinks too much and knows it. She rang AA but was told that she would have to go to group meetings and tell all and sundry about herself. She doesn't want to do that because she might know someone there and wants to keep her addiction to herself anyway. Her story reminded me of those scenes in Coronation Street with Deirdre, Ken and Blanche not supporting Peter at such a meeting! I don't blame her for not going.

Ilovepigs · 18/12/2011 15:47

I usually tend to be a bitHmm when posters get a bit hysterical on here but in this instance I agree with them.

I think it was very poor judgement on your part to go ahead with fostering when you have these problems with your dh. Its no use saying oh buts its history-he has ben violent and clearly has problems with being agressive when drunk.

Doesnt matter if he only drinks once in a blue moon. Fact is he has behaved like this more than once. Not good enough when you are responsible for vulnerable children.

I would be having serious words with him and also reconsidering whether or not fostering is really appropriate for your family at this time.

Llareggub · 18/12/2011 15:56

Mabel, what a lot of dangerous nonsense about AA. No one is compelled to say anything at all at a meeting.

OP, if you feel like your DH has a problem with alcohol then he probably does.

rainbowinthesky · 18/12/2011 16:05

OP - when you were being assessed as suitable foster parents did you tell them about your dh's past drinking and violence?

JinglePosyPerkin · 18/12/2011 16:10

OK, so if;

a) Your DH is only ever verbally abusive or violent when he's totally legless.
b) He drinks vary rarely and;
c) He had gone for 7 whole years between incidences of leglessness (sorry, not a word but you get my meaning)

then I would say let him go out & get pissed if he so wishes tomorrow on the specific condition that he does not come home tomorrow night! Whether that means he stays with BIL or books into a Travelodge. If he insists on coming home the same night then it is definitely not unreasonable for you to ask/tell him not to drink. For the DCs sake as much as your own.

Ideally, people who react to alcohol in this way should never drink but if he must then he can't be around his family until the effects have worn off. Does he not see the problem OP?

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