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AIBU?

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Original poster

What to do about xmas day (family)

36 replies

Maiavan · 17/12/2011 20:07

My Mum passed away 14 years ago and since then, I have taken the role of doing the whole xmas day lunch, etc. I did it as my sister and Dad never did and I wanted to try and keep some of the family traditions going.

My Dad has since remarried to a woman that we really do not get along with at all but who I would never say a bad word to for fear of hurting Dad. Problem is that since my Dad married this woman, they have invited us to a lunch at their house once in 11 years!

I dont see my younger sister much during the year as she lives a fair distance away and quite honestly, we just dont have similar lives at all. I send her money when she needs and phone her once a month and extend an invite probably another once or twice during the year. She has NEVER invited us to her house. I have discussed this with her but she just laughs and brushes it off.

So as far as xmas goes, it costs me a fortune (none of them contribute at all even though I have asked a few times over the years but I understand they may not be in a position to) but the biggest problem is that I feel I may be wasting my time with it all. Neither of them ever invite us round and always just leave xmas day - assuming that we will sort it. I end up feeling so positive that we will be a "family" again for sure this time and then I dont hear from them. Its a cycle that has been going on for 14 years.

This year I spoke to DH and he felt we should just not invite them and we could do our own family day with the 6 of us. I loved the idea of that and have planned accordingly. Problem is sister sent a message earlier asking how I was (VERY unusual). I know that she is going to ask what we are doing xmas day and I am now in a flat panic as to what to say. Should I just gave and do it anyway or just say no. I feel awful about saying no and I am not sure why but the thought of having to tell her and Dad that I am not doing it this year is putting me into a cold sweat and making me feel like I am abandoning them!

OP posts:
Original poster
Maiavan · 17/12/2011 20:10

sorry not *gave - cave in the last paragraph. Serves me right for posting without reading through again.

OP posts:
Onemorning · 17/12/2011 20:11

Tell her the truth - you're having a day with the 6 of you.

I read a great book about assertiveness years ago, and the only bit I can remember says 'step over the bleeding bodies of your family'. Essentially, it's okay to say no to them and to look after your own needs. It sounds unfair that you're lumbered every Christmas because 'that's what always happens'.

rhondajean · 17/12/2011 20:12

You are not responsible for them.

Take a deep breath.

They are adults (I presume your sis is an adult, sorryif wrong). They are more than capable of either organising something, reciprocating your invite, or contributing. They have not done so which makes them very ill mannered adults.

You and DH have made a decision and planned for it. You have done no wrong! you havent cancelled on anyone. Go ahead with what you are doing - stop facilitating their childish behaviour - they might grumble but so what! they might also appreciate you a bit more in future.

And - have a great time with the kids!

NinkyNonker · 17/12/2011 20:12

If she does, just say "oh nothing much, just having a quiet one with the kids" or something...not making a big deal of it, as if you assume it won't ve a problem if you get me?

Yanbu, by the way.

gemma4d · 17/12/2011 20:13

Practice, "we are just going to have a quiet Christmas this year... I'm sure you understand". Repeat till learnt by heart.

Sirzy · 17/12/2011 20:13

I think you should do whatever feels right to you as a family however, do think if the norm for 14 years has been to come to you its a bit unfair of you not to have let them know sooner that you aren't planning on doing christmas for everyone!

MatLeaveForever · 17/12/2011 20:14

Could you invite them for Boxing Day maybe and keep Christmas day for yourselves? Do they have anyone else to go to?

Sapphirefling · 17/12/2011 20:14

You have done everything that you can. Tell her you are having a lovely family Christmas at home and hope you'll be able to catch up with her in the New Year. Perhaps this will be a turning point for her in realising how much she's taken you for granted over the years. Enjoy your christmas and don't feel guilty!

AdditionMultiplication · 17/12/2011 20:15

You know what? You have done your part in trying to keep the family together. Your mam would be proud of you. I think now, though, it is time to put yourself first and look after yourself and your family. Please don't cave.

johnworf · 17/12/2011 20:15

I'm not sure why you think you would be abandoning them. Do yu feel some guilt over your mum dying?

Put your own DH and DC first if they don't make the effort all year, why should you?

I think your sister was putting the feelers out to see what was on the menu for Xmas lunch! If you don't feel comfortable saying no, then get your DH to answer the phone.

Smile
squeakytoy · 17/12/2011 20:15

She is asking how you are, not because she cares, but because she is waiting for her invitation. Reply back "fine thanks, hope you are too, and hope you have a great xmas" and then get on with having a nice family xmas with those who care about you and respect you

timidviper · 17/12/2011 20:18

I disagree that it's unfair Sirzy. Phones work two ways, as I frequently have to remind my brother! If they wanted to plan ahead there was nothing stopping them from ringing and asking.

We are doing just like you this year Maiavan. Have just us and the DCs and we're really looking forward to it, instead of the usual running around and waiting on everybody else.

ilovesooty · 17/12/2011 20:19

Just take the good advice of others on here. You're not responsible for her.

scentednappyhag · 17/12/2011 20:23

Seconding Ninky's text idea, it's clear and non hurtful. I hope you and your family have a lovely quiet Christmas, sound like you deserve it Smile

Original poster
Maiavan · 17/12/2011 20:24

I do feel guilt over my Mum dying and how the family has fallen apart since then. My Mum was the glue and we were such a close knit family and she had very strong traditions. My older sister and her family have moved to NZ (her and I were very close) and I just cant seem to hold the rest of us together. My younger sisters children hardly even know mine and I worry that as the years pass, we are running out of time - if that makes sense.

We were brought up to always put family first but it seems an impossible task. My Dad and his new wife are alcoholics and my younger sister only ever seems to call when she needs money. I just dont know how to fix it and feel that maybe its time I stop trying but honestly just dont know if I am being unreasonable.

OP posts:
MabelLucyAttwell · 17/12/2011 20:24

I haven't hosted a family Christmas for some years but when I did it was just my DH, children and possibly my parents, my MIL. I remember once having my sister and her husband but then we fell out. I love having family or friend dos whether it's Christmas or not but Christmas is a special time and, you're right, it's time for someone else in your family to host a do this year (bit late now though to organise it).

Have a break this year and start again Christmas 2012. Past invitees will realise how good it was to be at your welcoming house and they might stump up a bit more in the way of bringing something big like the turkey if you get it early enough to put in the oven or several bottles of wine or something that you could put in the freezer for the future.

Original poster
Maiavan · 17/12/2011 20:26

Thank you - I will go and practice saying "oh just a quite Christmas this year" :)

OP posts:
Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 17/12/2011 20:31

Yes, I agree: put yourself and your DH and your kids first. Be brave and bold and have a lovely time with your lot, and let the rest be adult about themselves and sort themselves out!

Noopypappy · 17/12/2011 20:36

I think you should have let them know sooner tbh. If you've always done the same thing for 14 years it would be fairer to let them know by telling them rather than just not inviting them. I don't disagree that you should do your own thing but a 'by the way we aren't going to host christmas this year' conversation should have been had.

Kitchentiles · 17/12/2011 20:36

YANBU for wanting to give up. You have tried for 14 years and not gotten anywhere. Your sister and father are not going to change now.

Give it up - you've done your best. Focus on your own family, who need you and want you, not on those who don't. Enjoy your Xmas and don't look back.

ImperialBlether · 17/12/2011 20:38

When was the last time you spoke to each of them? Have you said anything since last Christmas to suggest that you would be hosting this year? If not, don't feel guilty.

Yes, I agree with the poster above, send that text back.

Who does your sister live with?

As for your dad and his new wife, I'd say they would be in a rush each Christmas Day to go back home and get pissed.

It's sad, isn't it, that you can't have the family relationships you want with your sister and father. Lucky you, having your other sister - is there any way you could start to save for a trip to New Zealand?

WhiteChristmasontheSierraMadre · 17/12/2011 20:44

OP its interesting that you say that "I just can't seem to hold the rest of us together". Why is it your job? Your Dad and your sister are adults and also part of the family. Why should you be the one tk make all the effort and to feel guilty about it?

Original poster
Maiavan · 17/12/2011 20:44

I have not had a single conversation with them about Christmas since last Christmas. My younger sister lives with her DH and 3 children.

I am saving like crazy to (hopefully) get to New Zealand next year.

OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 17/12/2011 20:47

YANBU. You are not responsible for your entire family's happiness, and certainly not when the effort seems to be one way.

Enjoy your Xmas! 6 sounds like quite enough to me!

chocolatchaud · 17/12/2011 20:51

Poor you - I don't think the problems are something you can, or should, fix. Certainly not at Christmas time, which should be lovely for the 6 of you.

I'm not sure I agree with posters who think you should have let them know earlier - it is rather late for them to be sorting out Christmas day, the weekend before!

Be brave and firm, and then perhaps invite them for a more low-key event during the year.