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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to get upset that DH seems to have no interest in shopping for baby?

27 replies

Saj30 · 17/12/2011 12:22

I don't know whether I should put this down to my hormones or ??? We're expecting our first child in 3 months time. I have tried and tried to get DH to go looking at pram, cot etc and he just doesnt seem to be interested. Tried to explain over and over again that yes we can look online for everything but need to get to the shops to actually see what the products are actually like physically.

Instead he just seems more preoccupied with taking SIL's for their weekly grocery shopping. Should I just get on with it myself?

Feel very alone :(

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 17/12/2011 12:27

You have quite a few weeks yet. He could just be scared to get things until nearer the time, which is quite a normal (and usually completely unnecessary worry)..

Or he may just not like wandering around looking at prams and things...

Stop fretting. :) and wait till the january sales are on!

maxpower · 17/12/2011 12:29

I think lots of first time dads struggle to get into the spirit of things until the baby actually arrives. Don't take it as disinterest, it's probably more that the whole situation doesn't feel real to him yet. If he's really not going to help you choose, why not go shopping with your mum/sister/friend someone who'll love to look at baby things with you.

Have you told him how you feel?

scaevola · 17/12/2011 12:29

TBH I wasn't very interested in shopping for children before I'd actually given birth to them.

Interest in antenatal shopping is no indicator of attitude to impending fatherhood. I suggest you get on with any shopping you want to do before the birth yourself.

Original poster

Saj30 · 17/12/2011 12:31

But I don't want to buy yet I just want to look so come the january sales I can just go and get. When it comes to me and the baby there's always every excuse not to but when its comes to his sisters he's there like a shot.

I'm trying to involve him, his baby as much as mine but he just doesn't seem interested.

OP posts:

tabulahrasa · 17/12/2011 12:32

Prams and cots and what have, aren't really that interesting... Yes I'd be upset if I needed help with something and he wasn't doing it, but being actually interested in it is something else.

squeakytoy · 17/12/2011 12:33

Why not ask one of his sisters to come with you then? :)

Lots of people really hate window shopping, and the shops are going to be rammed at the moment.. it would be madness to try fighting you way around them just to look at something.

AFuckingFestiveKnackeredWoman · 17/12/2011 12:34

Baby shopping is incredibly dull, you go in 100 shops all selling the same shit and are expected to coo and fork out shit loads of cash- what's to like about that

There's plenty of time to go and constantly brining it it up will make him want to go less. I'm sure closer to the time he will get excited.
Is there any reason you cant go and look on your own? DH enjoys window shopping and bargain hunting but i would rather eat my own arm then spend days looking in shops

OldGreyWassailTest · 17/12/2011 12:35

You're carrying the baby - for him maybe it's not 'real' yet?

Original poster

Saj30 · 17/12/2011 12:36

My family and friends live a 100 miles away from me, so can't really go with them. The frustrating thing is he keeps harping on about how he excited he is about becoming a father to everyone so everyone thinks he's being really hands on but I know he's not.

I'm now panicking wondering is this what its going to be like after the baby comes???

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 17/12/2011 12:39

Not showing an interest in going looking at prams is really really really no indication of how he is going to be as a Dad. Honestly, it isnt.

He hasnt even had a chance to be "hands on" yet, so it is very unfair of you to already have decided that he wont be.

YABU, and you are panicking when there is no need, and possibly if you are on and on at him too, you are going to drive him away at times.

His sisters are going to be your childs aunties.. involve them now. They are likely to be much more interested in wandering around Mothercare than your husband.

SnapesMistressofMerriment · 17/12/2011 12:41

YABU, shopping is really dull, especially if you are not buying anything yet. Its probably pregnancy brain making you oversensitive.

TotallyKerplunked · 17/12/2011 12:45

For the love of god DONT take your DH baby stuff shopping! Took mine, he saw all the stuff and wanted the most high tech stuff that all matched, and when I suggested cheaper/second hand stuff with fewer bells and whistles he sulked.

A £500 budget has turned into >£2500, we cant move in the house for jumperoo's, electronic swings, motion sensitive night vision camera and a hign tech buggy that is too heavy for me to lift and even if I could it wont fit into the boot of my car.

Wish i'd never suggested shopping, definately PFB syndrome, seriously do the shopping yourself.

HughBastard · 17/12/2011 12:47

I'm giving birth in under 3 months and even I couldn't muster up any enthusiasm for a preliminary treck to the shops to look at cots and prams that we're not planning to buy yet.

Shopping is dull.
Shopping at this time of year is madness.

Babies are lovely and snuggly and exciting. Cots and prams are dull.

FessaEst · 17/12/2011 12:49

My DH is a brilliant Dad, truly fab - very hands on and both DDs adore him. However, we had some awful rows when I was pg as I wanted him to be so much more excited than he was. He didn't really pay much attention to what stage we were at or to what stuff we needed - it just didn't feel real to him.

A new baby is very real, and hard to ignore , please don't assume he is going to be a disinterested Dad just because the thought of fighting through hordes of Christmas shoppers to compare 100s of almost exactly the same items doesn't grab him.

(Although it sounds as though you have a few more issues than just lack of shopping enthusiasm. Hope you can sort things out)

DuchessofMalfi · 17/12/2011 12:50

TBH we kept it very simple when we were shopping for cot, pram etc before DD was born. I got the Mothercare catalogue, browsed through that, found the bits and pieces I liked, waited until DH had a day off work and went to Mothercare, and bought them. I suppose it did help that, where we live, there aren't many shops, so it really did boil down to Mothercare (or Argos) - both involving a hour's journey. Other pieces we just had to order online.

I think it is hard to understand that you will have an actual baby to look after until it is here. I remember being so scared that it would all go wrong at the last minute, and DH didn't actually unpack the pushchair, and moses basket until after DD had been born. That might be how your DH is feeling - a bit scared - at the moment, and that's completely understandable.

LydiaWickham · 17/12/2011 12:52

Others have said, not being interested in stuff for the baby doesn't mean not interested in baby. Suggest you talk to him about the technical side of the prams, could you discuss going and practicing putting them up and down, seeing how heavy they are, how easy it would be to get them in the boot of your car etc.

How about car seat discussions? That's very techincal and involves looking at safety reports and car people. Maybe discuss getting it fitted before baby arrives etc and as he will be the one to do it when baby arrives (you'll probably be in no fit state to be lugging the car seat just after having your DC, I wasn't), he really should be the one to practice etc.

Best bet would be for you to narrow the options down to 3 or 4 of each thing you might want, ideally, all available in John Lewis/another department store near you. Therefore you are taking him to one shop, he can compare and contrast with you and you can decide between you which one you want, then say come the new year you'll order on line if they go in the sales, possibly from another shop if it's cheaper, but you'll have made the decision together.

Then while you are there in the baby department, take your list and you can hit the lot of everything else you need. (Really, basics rarely go in the sales, sorry but you might as well suck up getting them now).

DuchessofMalfi · 17/12/2011 12:56

Oh and I forgot to mention, as Totally Kerplunked said, buggies can be very heavy, difficult to fold, and hard to get into the boot of the car. We needed a heavy duty 3-wheeler for rough ground, but it was too hard to fold down and get into the car, so we also had a cheap lightweight stroller which we kept in the boot - handy for trips round the supermarket.

LydiaWickham · 17/12/2011 13:02

Yep, make sure your DH is definately aware one of the big reasons you can't just order on-line without checking them out first is you need to know you can fold and lift the buggy. (this is why we ended up with the i-candy cherry rather than the apple we were going to buy - I couldn't actually lift the frame of the apple in John Lewis, so agreed it'd be a bit of poor choice, regardless of how good it looked on-line!)

scarlettsmummy2 · 17/12/2011 13:03

My husband is exactly the same- except he doesn't even look online and our baby is due in 5 weeks! although it is a second baby. To be honest, he just finds it all really boring! many men just aren't interested in baby stuff, my husband loves our toddler daughter to bits but couldn't tell a bugaboo from a silver cross. At the end of day, your husband knows the baby won't go without and you have plenty of time- mamas and papas, for example, keep prams in stock so you can pick up there and then. No panic.

Could your mum or sister/ friend come through for the day and go with you, or could you through to them?

SmethwickBelle · 17/12/2011 13:08

I agree don't buy ANYTHING now - definitely hang out til the sales!! I know DH and I put it off a few times in the lead up to DS1 as it seemed like an overwhelming (and expensive) exercise.

Maybe do some of the ground work and make an outline list but then stick a day in the diary in the new year as the day when you will bite the bullet together. I think Prams and car seats you need to see with your eyes (and try in your car - some Mothercares/department stores will help you try them out).

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 17/12/2011 13:17

I wasn't even interested in buying baby stuff when I had our two . DH didn't really get excited at all about having the babies until they turned up, they were a bit too abstract until they arrived.

However, DH is an insane keen bargain hunter so I got him involved looking for the best value items.

I'm with a a knacked woman window shopping makes me want to knaw my own arm off! I leave DH to it and go and have a coffee.

BTW DH spent several years as a SAHD so his lack of enthusiasm pre-baby was not indicative of his approach once they had been born.

fatlazymummy · 17/12/2011 13:18

Why do you need someone to go window shopping with you? If you want to go and look at prams and cots and he doesn't then just go and look at them on your own.
Problem sorted.

greenbananas · 17/12/2011 13:27

My DH hates shopping, and he was just the same when I was pregnant with DS. It drove me up the wall - but he is a fantastic father!

In the end, I discovered that DH was right. I looked at cots, moses baskets, all sorts of cot bedding, pushchairs, toys, monitors... but when DS was born, I found that all I needed were nappies, wipes, a few babygros and vests and a sling to carry him in (he ended up sleeping in our bed with us).

FredFredGeorge · 17/12/2011 13:32

I'm a man, I'm very excited and happy to have a DD, but if at 6months pg DW came to me and said lets go window shopping for a pram, I'd've not been happy, and been looking for any excuse to get out of it - it's not a fun occasion. And tbh if its your first, you're not going to have a clue what sort of pram etc. is going to work for you, the things you think are good for a pram now when you don't have a baby will probably turn out completely wrong.

We bought 2 buggies suitable from birth on ebay, after DD was born (the only item we bought before was a car seat - 'cos we needed it to get back from the hospital, a sling, and we were given a cot and bedwear etc.) We then quite quickly decided which of the two were best for us and now only use that (we later bought a 3rd at full price, but that's specific to running) I would've bet before now that the other one would've been the one that was right for us.

So I do think YABU to be thinking this is an important thing for hubby to be interested in. However you say "Feel very alone" and DH shouldn't really be letting you feel like that, is there anything else than just the shopping which is making you feel that way?

VFVF · 17/12/2011 13:41

Try not to worry to much about it. My story is similar to those above.

DH is a wonderful wonderful father. He is very hands on and still dashes home to see DD after work every day. But when I was pregnant with her, he wasn't interested in the slightest about the 'equipment' side of things. I was very much left to my own devices. I chose and bought the pram without him being there. I did the same with the cot and the bedding.

I'm pregnant again and again it's been down to me to research the double buggy and bed options for DD. I get a lot of pleasure from doing this, and DH trusts me implicitly to choose whatever is most suitable for our needs. I think he feels he's indulging me

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