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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not buy my brother anything for Christmas?

68 replies

superduperdiva · 16/12/2011 22:29

Please be honest with me about this one...

Brother is a year younger than me. The other times our family have ever had any presents off him for xmas or bdays is when he's had a girlfriend as she's sorted it.

Many a year he would shower himself with gifts but buy nothing for anyone else, pleading poverty (total rubbish). SO many years I have bought things and got nothing in return. Not even a bday present when my bday is 2wks after xmas.

I got nothing for my bday this yr and my little boy (his only nephew) didnt get anything for his first bday despite him happily coming to his party and eating all our food/drinking our beer.

I can't bring myself to buy anything for him. I just can't. It's my DS's lack of present that did it tbh.

Oh and he owes me £1000 that he's never paid me back from a few years ago. He's always flashing his cash about - £5k watches, nights out in London, expensive designer clothes etc.

AIBU? Should I rise above it and buy him something??? He is bringing a new girlfriend for christmas and part of me is thinking I will look terrible to her if I don't..... arghhh!!!

OP posts:

G1nger · 17/12/2011 13:15

What are you, a mug? Not a penny more on him!

perceptionreality · 17/12/2011 13:16

He does sound very selfish - he should at least buy for your son if not for you. How old is he?

samandi · 17/12/2011 13:22

Er, no? Obviously YANBU.

Original poster

superduperdiva · 17/12/2011 13:31

He's 25 perception

Ok I think we've established IANBU!

But will keep chocs in kitchen for gf in case she has sorted anything.

OP posts:

LydiaWickham · 17/12/2011 13:50

No, no chocolates.

I would write him a card saying you've knocked £50 off what he owes you, so now he only owes you £950. You will do this for every birthday and Christmas until the money is paid off, unless he wants to clear this any quicker. Tell him you'll therefore be next buying him a gift for his 35th birthday (and every birthday, Christmas, write the note again of how much he still owes you minus his 'gift').

You are never going to get the money back, but at least this way you'll feel like you're not 'out of pocket' and you get to write it off in a way that makes it clear to him and the family that you're not just forgetting it ever happened.

Never lend him anything again, accept he is the sort of person who hears "gift" when you say "lend".

People I've met like this in the past have always been very charming. They get away with it because you find it hard to completely hate them and cut them out of your life. Hopefully if you find a way to split any financial relationship with him, and find a way to 'make peace' with him ripping you off (something like writing the debt off as present money) you will be able to have a good relationship with him. (albeit one with very strict limits on money and items, never be tempted to 'help him out' again, car, garentor etc should be refused)

Gingefringe · 17/12/2011 16:36

Definitely do not buy a present for him. My brother is like this - he's 43 and lives scrounges off with my parents. I usually buy him a Xmas present but he has never bought me or the kids anything so this year he's getting bugger all.

I dont understand why your DH agreed to be a guarantor for him if you know he's a bit feckless. He owes you big time for paying his loan off - I would remind him of this each time you see him - especially in front of the new girlfriend!

OldMumsy · 17/12/2011 16:55

OP, why do you care so much what his new girlfriend will think of you? This is bizarre behaviour so strap a pair on and stand up for yourself girl!!

carernotasaint · 17/12/2011 17:09

Ive started a thread on the Chat board about this subject. Ive called it Tighwaddery at Christmas.

perceptionreality · 17/12/2011 17:15

Ah, well he's not exactly a teenager then - he's old enough to take a mature approach to how he treats his own family. Crikey - I've just read the bit about the loan, bloody hell - he takes you for a total ride then despises you for it. What an awful man.

People like this never learn the consequences for their actions especially if you continue to let him take advantage. I would not buy him a thing. Sadly you can't choose your family!

perceptionreality · 17/12/2011 17:18

For those of you saying 'grow a pair, stand up to him' etc - the problem when you've got a toxic relative is that often you've ended up letting them get away with their behaviour for so long you can't see the wood for the trees. Family politics is complicated sometimes.

MabelLucyAttwell · 17/12/2011 17:25

If your DH were a guarantor for the £1000 loan, it sounds as if there were paperwork involved (in other words, proof that there was a loan). You could take advice and possibly use the Small Claims Court to get it back - including the parking ticket money if you paid that for him (not sure about that bit though).

The Court is very helpful with the form filling and you could do it yourself - I've done it. All you need are receipts, any paper bits and pieces relevant to the case, the bank statement where it shows the £1000 deducted from your account, perhaps a copy of the cheque and proof of the payment etc. Go on - you could do it. He will learn that you don't get anything for nothing.

MabelLucyAttwell · 17/12/2011 17:30

iscream

You beat me to it. I didn't read page 2 when I posted on page 3/4.

maypole1 · 17/12/2011 17:38

I only buy my nieces and my best mates children I simply can't afford to buy for every bugger

MrsChemist · 17/12/2011 17:54

I second buying something small, but nice for the gf. Preferably something he will get no use out of.

I also like the not buying him gifts in lieu of the money he owes you.

quirrelquarrel · 17/12/2011 20:07

Am at £5,000 for a watch!

I've really picked up on the main point of the thread, haven't I...

happydotcom · 17/12/2011 20:12

He sounds exactly like my brother. He's 3 yrs younger than me and in his 30s. He hasn't bought any of his family gifts / cards for anniversaries , birthdays / Xmas or even when his only nephew ( my DS) was born.

I haven't got anything for him this year and his new gf is vegan so hopefully they won't turn up on the doorstep next Sunday!

To answer your question, no. Don't get him anything.

Merry Christmas :o

Charltonangel · 17/12/2012 10:44

If you can't not buy something, why not make a donation to charity on his behalf? Or send him one of the NSPCC letters from Santa! Dear xxx, I hope you have been a good boy this year... etc

Pandemoniaa · 17/12/2012 10:49

Zombie thread.

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