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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not buy my brother anything for Christmas?

68 replies

superduperdiva · 16/12/2011 22:29

Please be honest with me about this one...

Brother is a year younger than me. The other times our family have ever had any presents off him for xmas or bdays is when he's had a girlfriend as she's sorted it.

Many a year he would shower himself with gifts but buy nothing for anyone else, pleading poverty (total rubbish). SO many years I have bought things and got nothing in return. Not even a bday present when my bday is 2wks after xmas.

I got nothing for my bday this yr and my little boy (his only nephew) didnt get anything for his first bday despite him happily coming to his party and eating all our food/drinking our beer.

I can't bring myself to buy anything for him. I just can't. It's my DS's lack of present that did it tbh.

Oh and he owes me £1000 that he's never paid me back from a few years ago. He's always flashing his cash about - £5k watches, nights out in London, expensive designer clothes etc.

AIBU? Should I rise above it and buy him something??? He is bringing a new girlfriend for christmas and part of me is thinking I will look terrible to her if I don't..... arghhh!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
superduperdiva · 16/12/2011 23:05

I understood Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
superduperdiva · 16/12/2011 23:06

WTF Blush i know...

OP posts:
eatingdust · 16/12/2011 23:08

Surely you'd be doing the new gf a favour by being honest with him? Doesn't she deserve to know now what he's really like?

carernotasaint · 16/12/2011 23:11

Before she gets financially abused?!

Original poster
superduperdiva · 16/12/2011 23:11

eating I'm not going to interfere on that front. I know how doing that ends for the perons being "helpful". I'm sure she'll find out soon enough...

OP posts:
Tryharder · 16/12/2011 23:15

My brother is a tightwad who despite being employed in a managerial position earning an average salary, living in digs and having no dependents still manages to be so incredibly poor and skint that he can't buy anyone a present.

I don't buy him anything. I used to but I wizened up.

carernotasaint · 16/12/2011 23:27

I had an ex like this. He said he couldnt buy anything until New Years Eve cos thats when he got paid. He didnt like it when i said "Dont you get paid on 30th November too.

Meow75isknittinglikemad · 16/12/2011 23:39

Ok, can you get something from my story?!

December 23rd last year my brother sent me a text that said (I paraphrase, somewhat) "Thanks for the hamper you sent us, and the Toys R Us voucher for DSS. Due to apparent apathy from the family, we've decided not to send any presents ourselves"

The absolute gall to send that text upon receiving a hamper that was hand picked because my waspish, viperous (is that a word) SiL is Type I diabetic (the fact that she has diabetes has nothing to do with my opinion of her). I wasn't really bothered about the monetary value (about £70 +£15 voucher for DSN), because if it had been received graciously I would have been happy.

I haven't spoken to him since, except when he asked me to find out the GCSE results of his son and daughter, who he is no longer in contact with because he was such an arse when he and their mum divorced.

There is a lot of childhood baggage there too, he bullied me terribly when I was little, and now he "doesn't remember" that. To be honest, last Christmas's behaviour was just the excuse I needed to drop him like a hot potato.

DH and I live about 3 hrs from our original home town where my brother still lives, and my dad is about 20 minutes drive, so we don't see them very often. My dad is totally cool with that, when I call him we take up where we left off, but I have no common ground with my brother - for obvious reasons - so calling would be a rather challenging thing to do, and we'd both hate it. Why would I do that?!?!

Sorry about my HUGE post, but I wanted you to take heart and strength from my experience. I hope you do. Family does not = any obligation.

iscream · 17/12/2011 05:16

Why is your db visiting you with such a background of disrespect and lack of accountability from him? Hmm
How about you send a gift wrapped witness summons for small claims court for Christmas?
Super, here is an early Christmas present for you. Get your pen out! hmctscourtfinder.justice.gov.uk/courtfinder/forms/n1_0102.pdf
And more information if you need it.
www.adviceguide.org.uk/index/your_rights/legal_system_index_ew/small_claims.htm
Good luck.

FellatioNelson · 17/12/2011 05:30

My god, he sounds like a total arse! I am amazed you are even considering whether it is wrong to not buy him anything! He sounds unbelievably spoilt and you have been enabling him all this time whils seething quietly to yourself instead of standing up to him. Just STOP IT NOW!

Don't even explain. Just don't buy him anything.

troisgarcons · 17/12/2011 05:34

My BIL was like this too, when much younger.

He was incredibly spoilt and cossetted because he was dyslexic, to the point that MIL and PIL would phone ahead to job interviews to demand he was given preferential treatment Hmm. But he was such a spoiled brat that he just couldnt maintain a relationship with GFs and they would be dumped for the most odd reasons - mainly due to his OCD.

MIL and PIL would do everything to make his life easier, when in reality he was a nasty demanding bully. Several things stick out in my mind

  1. BIL bought DHs first house, having lived in it rent free for a year (just refused to cough up any rent) The pair of them got to the solictors to transfer the house deeds over and BIL was 10K short with the comment "I cant get a bigger mortgage" - it was kind of agreed that he would pay that back when he sold the house - he never did.
  1. FIL was a builder. BIL broke up with GF that he bought the house with. MIL decided it would be nice for PIL to build BIL an extension to "cheer him up" Hmm except PIL was on the threshold of bankruptcy and borrowed the money from DH to buy the materials etc. 20K that time. Never had that paid back either.

So, neither a borrower nor a lender be.

Thankfully he's married now and buggered off abroad to live.

LovesBloominChristmas · 17/12/2011 05:36

Defo wrap up the box of chocs for him....but eat them all first Xmas Grin

empirestateofmind · 17/12/2011 05:37

Wow- amazing behaviour from your brother. I am surprised you still invite him around to be honest.

What do your parents think of all this? Do they still buy him presents?

I like iscream's suggestion. At least it would all be sorted out.

I think if DB wants to play happy families and wants to come round then he needs to carry out the social niceties ie:

Go to a party=bring a present.
Receive a present=give a present

If he can't be bothered then why do feel that you should be bothered with him?

BaublesandCuntingCarolSingers · 17/12/2011 09:09

He sounds like my brother.

I wouldn't give him the shit off my shoe.

whatstheetiquette · 17/12/2011 09:17

Yes, don't buy him anything.

He sounds like a total wanker with no conscience. Fancy saying it was your choice to pay the £1000 Hmm.

Agree with the box of chocs to save face if the gf has organised something.

There seem to be a lot of this sort around.

NeedlesCuties · 17/12/2011 09:20

I'm just amazed that he had the gall to spend £5k on a watch after pleading poverty!

A close friend of mine was engaged to a man who never had £ to buy Christmas, birthday gifts and she was mug enough to do all the Christmas gift buying for his family. Plus she always gave him money as she was working and he was doing odd-jobs and didn't have steady income.

Fast forward 4 years into the relationship and she finds out that he's been having an affair with another woman, all the money she'd been giving him for "essentials" have been given to the other women Angry

pigletmania · 17/12/2011 09:23

Noway don't buy him a present, you don't have to!

PrincessFiorimonde · 17/12/2011 09:25

If my brother owed me £1000 and refused to pay it, saying it was my/DP's fault for standing guarantor - well, I can't imagine having anything to do with him ever again. Christmas presents just wouldn't even come in to the consideration.

pigletmania · 17/12/2011 09:41

You are being a bit of a pushover, I would never buy that freeloader a present, espcially the trouble he's given you. At least it will show the girlfriend how he is really like.

ellenjames · 17/12/2011 10:16

i have read several posts on here recently about people like this but this is the first time i have commented. Personally i think anyone who lets anyone do this to them and their family is being really stupid! I like the shit off the shoe comment! Would you let a stranger treat you like this and disadvantage your family? No, thought not!
Its ridiculous to say i dont want to rock the boat as its xmas! Thats how they get away with it as there is always some family reason! I may sound harsh but grow a backbone!

ImperialBlether · 17/12/2011 10:43

It's not a problem though really, as he won't be there on Christmas Day when the others are opening their presents. I agree that would be a difficult situation if you left someone out. However, he leaves everyone out and isn't bothered!

SantasENormaSnob · 17/12/2011 10:48

Never mind gifts I wouldn't be speaking to the prick.

MissJanuary · 17/12/2011 12:47

I'm sorry but, you need to grow a pair and stop being a doormat. He only does all this because you enable him to.

If you wish to continue him veiwing you as a door mat then buy him a present, your choice, otherwise you do as others say and ask him for a payment plan to repay the debt he owes you.

Don't be used like this.

poorbuthappy · 17/12/2011 12:51

I wouldn't be letting him in my house, nevermind buying him anything!

LikeAnAdventCandleButNotQuite · 17/12/2011 13:11

I'd be tempted to get the GF a very nice little present, as recognition for the work put into buying for all of you and for putting up with your quite frankly shit of a DB

Then dare him to ask where his is.