to be utterly confused at getting this message from ex-P's mother?!

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

I have just received a Christmas card from my ex's mother. She has never sent me one before, not even (IIRC) when we were together. It has the message 'Happy Christmas - I hope you are well. I never really knew what happened with you and [her son's name], but I hope you felt welcome at our house. Best wishes for the New Year'.

WTF?

Is it code?

Bit of history: ex and I lived together for just over a year. They never once came to visit (it was a looong way, several hundred miles, but I would have appreciated it). My parents who live a few miles from them also invited them over a few times while I was home - they never came. My ex is not, I will admit, my favourite person as he owes me a substantial amount of money and has told me I will never see it, and he basically treated me like shite. I got the impression during the relationship his family didn't especially like me and I wasn't their kind of person, but they were reasonably civil. I've not heard a word from them since we split up, and DH and I got married over a year ago all of this should be ancient history.

What the fuck is going on? Do you think someone said something to her, or she's having a crisis of conscience, or something has happened to make her want to know why we split up? I am just utterly confused! It's not as if I've spoken to any mutual friends about my ex for ages - we barely have any mutual friends and those we do don't speak much to him any more.

Yeah, I suspect I don't have the bottle either. A little bit of me would love to be the sort of person who sends back a stunningly bitchy reply but I'd be kicking myself as soon as I posted it.

Any suggestions for more subtle responses or do I just ignore?

Years ago, I got a similar message in a Christmas card (out of the blue, like yours) from ex-mil and I later discovered it was around the time my ex had started a new relationship.

I looked on it as a 'final goodbye' and ignored it.

Just ignore it. You are with your husband now and your ex is out of your life, right? So who cares what she means? What does it matter? Send her a card back wishing her well and be done with it.

Why send her a bitchy reply? She is not being bitchy in her message. Why reward a pleasant (if confusing) message with a nasty one?

She probably sent it while musing about you while writing the card. She probably can't even remember what she said now. Everybody's the same. I think of the people I am writing cards to for all of five seconds -and I dare say they think of me for all of five seconds, too.

retro - ah, maybe it is a MIL tradition of sorts? Who knows!

wamster - yeah, you're right, she's not being openly bitchy. I just don't really understand her message and can't quite get why she'd suddenly send me a car when she's never done it before.

TBH the temptation to send the bitchy message comes from me having a massive judgypants wedgie about her bringing her son up to behave like that, but then maybe she doesn't know.

i would just send one from you & mr LRD with the usual xmas stuff in. polite, but just ending your story for her.

also on the basis that (almost certainly bad) Actions Unknown have happened to your exP, his mum is bound to tell him that you are married....

you need a 'from' sticker on the back of the envelop with yours & Mr LRD's names and address on.

It think she's been at the cooking sherry. She's nothing to you really is she, so you can either display the card as if it's from a distant aquaintance, or bin it.

Oh, yes, that would be quite nice and subtle. Possibly also a time to crack out my never-used married name.

Seriously - ignore it as no good will come of striking up a dialogue with her.

You are probably right becca ... and far better at restraining the temptation to pisstake a little than I am.

I will admit, too, that about the first thing I thought after the initial WTF was 'I have to tell MN about this'.

My vote is for writing Christmas cards whilst under the influence

Well, they do make excellent homemade sloe whiskey, and it is about the time they usually open it up for sampling ...

Just think if they made "OMG You're still alive!" or even "OMG You're not dead yet then?" cards for just such an occasion as this...

My parents bumped into the parents of my childhood best friend a couple of years ago. They (not my parents) exclaimed "oh you're not dead!" They require some of PomBears cards.

Oh,no!

That is awful but at the same time quite funny.

Damn. I'd be itching to know why. Are there any mutual friends you can casually grill ask?

Hi LRDTFD and others.

Let me explain. The farming community has nothing to do with it.

I swear. At work, with friends etc. But I hate to hear people swearing loudly on for example the bus, oblivious of familys, old lady etc or in a restaurant, in the supermarket etc. And when it happens, I can tell that most others in the environment also hate it. Before someone pops up and tells me that must mean I am being hypocritical, no I am not, I just know when it's appropriate and when it's not.

As far as I am concerned, swearing on a message board, when you have no idea who is reading, their age etc is the internet equivalent of the above.

It's almost like you and a few others are having a conversation, like you do in the farming community or with like minded others and have forgotten the 100's or 1000's of strangers who are listening to you (I'm told mumsnet is read by loads).

Anyway, email/message boards are such a one dimensional mode of communication that the meaning of all I just said is probably lost to all It would take 15 secs to explain in real life, and you'd probably agree with me.

You know, I actually think you should take this entirely at face value, and I'm sorry that some people think MIL was being snide here, because I think she genuinely regrets your departure from the circle, her son never told her what happened, and she wishes you well. She's not responsible for what her son did - may even have a nasty suspicion he did something dodgy - and this sounds like a completely sincere "sorry it didn't work out" message, which, from someone of that age and background, probably cost her quite a lot to write, emotionally. I'm surprised that so many people think the worst of a woman who doesn't seem to have done anything except try to be welcoming, within her own circumstances, to the OP, and then bothered to express regret when things didn't work out. If she really liked you and hoped you'd be a DIL, she must have been quite sad to see it all fall apart, surely?

It sounds like someone has set her right about something (the money or your ex's affair) as she's realised that you were not the one in the wrong. She hasn't bumped into your parents or something has she? Or an old friend?

I'd be tempted to explain matters to her but fear it may all take up too much time and energy. Perhaps a "Merry Xmas from LRD (and DH and kids?)" card might be the best thing.

few, let me explain. This is a site for adults. It has a policy on swearing, which I urge you to check out. Unfortunately, you are in the wrong here: swearing on MN is accepted and if you don't like it, you might feel better posting elsewhere.

barracuda ... yes, I'm racking my brains for who to ask!

alice - yes, it could be that she is entirely genuine. I didn't read people as thinking badly of her, so much as that even if she is being entirely genuine and innocent, she has kind of stumbled into something here! I mean, it's not as if she minded up splitting up enough to say anything at the time - and we split up in 2008, she's had a good while to say it. So I suspect something has come up and would love to know what it was!

yule - she's never met my parents (they invited her over several times but she was always 'too busy' - another thing that makes me feel a bit surprised she's bothered with the card since she clearly didn't want to be polite at the time). I can't think who'd know her who's still in contact with me - not many people. Besides which my parents don't really know the whole situation with why we split up, nor do all but two of my closest friends - it wasn't something I hugely wanted to share!

Few - I agree with LDR about swearing on Mumnet. It's a site for parents, so adults, and swearing is acceptable. LDR has taken a view that this an appropriate forum (in the broader sense of the word) for swearing as do you at work. It is acceptable to swear here - in fact I think it is one of the factors that distinguishes MN from lots of other sites.

LRD - No that's understandable. She's not stalking you on MN is she?

I doubt it yule! I don't think she'd be on here and if she is, well ... I wouldn't choose to refer to her son like that in front of her, but I wouldn't be too sad if she found out the truth about him either.

I wouldn't be terribly surprised if she's only just finding out what happened - I never quite knew how much he was telling his parents - they only found out we were living together when we visited them for dinner and I let the cat out of the bag assuming they already knew. Warning signs right there, but I had no idea at the time. If she's genuinely feeling bad I don't want to take it out on her, it's just it's such a cryptic message I don't really know what to make of it and end up worrying.

mn is so sweary that my hotel (in London, not China or anything) last week kept blocking threads, apparently for having swear words in the title (at least that seemed to be the common theme). It has made me feel less irritated with the UAE's automatic net nanny, at least it lets things like that through!

Sounds like you're well rid. Just accept the card as an olive albeit a rather cryptic one. Maybe she's dying and is making amends with those she is thinks she might have wronged along the way?