Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To be cross with gossiping school mums?

44 replies

mrsbingle · 16/12/2011 09:28

My first post here...

I have been a school mum for 4 yrs and during that time have made some nice friendships with other school mums. There are lots of hello-mums, some stop-and-chat-briefly mums, a few really-great-to-see-you mums and a couple of avoid-at-all-cost mums.

Now there is another Y4 mum who has sort of wafted in and out of popularity with the others. She is pushy outgoing and all up I feel uncomfortable around her so stay out of her path. But some of my friends enjoy her and have at times had quite intense friendships with her.

In the mix is another intense mum, I'll call her B. Again, I have kept my distance and had come to no grief there. Until now.

Along the way A & B become friendly. Until. One day A tells B exactly what she thinks of every mum/child/teacher at the school, none of it flattering. B is outraged and takes it upon herself to tell everyone - and I mean everyone - what A has said about them.

They, in turn, are upset and phones ring hot.

Two phone me to tell all about it. They have been lovely friends (great-to-see-you mums), but this has really changed how I feel about them. I think it is all so silly and I can't understand why they are giving airtime to the gossip.

I tried to say so (in more gentle terms) but it has affected our friendship, mostly in that I feel disappointed and as though I've just found out my friends are idiots.

I place a lot of importance on kindness and consideration and have taught my children not to repeat unkindness they hear except to me or a teacher.

Can someone help me make sense of this? Am I being too hard on my friends or are they all behaving like children?

OP posts:

altinkum · 16/12/2011 09:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScroogeHadAGoodPoint · 16/12/2011 09:34

They are all behaving like children, and that's putting it generously. It sounds as though everyone's DCs have better social skills, which obviously raises some interesting nature/nurture questions.

If I were in your situation, I'd be looking entirely elsewhere for places to find friendship. Idiots.

typicalvirgo · 16/12/2011 09:38

I would just ignore. Whats the point of getting involved in even more petty behaviour.

One of my friends moved school and one of the new class mums took her for coffee and had a hand written list (yes I am not joking) describing all the parents and their children in the form ' Jack Browns mum, fat, 42, glasses, straggly brown hair, always wears birkenstocks, dad doctor, red nose. I kid you not

nailak · 16/12/2011 09:38

I agree with you, the person repeating the backbiting is as bad as the person who said it.

WorraLiberty · 16/12/2011 09:39

Why do you need to make sense of it? Surely you know there are people who are like this in the world and people who aren't.

You aren't like that and they are, that should be the end of it as what's the point in over thinking it?

And it's always important imo to remember that none of these people are your friends...they're simply people who have chosen to send their children to the same school as you.

One day, your kids will leave that school and I'd be very surprised if you kept in touch with any of them after that (unless you just happen to make a genuine friend or two).

nailak · 16/12/2011 09:39

If she was that worried b should have just told a that she didn't want to listen.

PieCherry · 16/12/2011 09:40

I avoid school mum's like the plague! I only pick my son up twice a week, so don't understand the politics of "their" group, and to be honest can't be arsed with it all.

Sorry no advice lol

scottishmummy · 16/12/2011 09:42

well you keep schtum and don't comment on tittle tattle.it will run for a bit but frankly it's all she said,I said rubbish.I agree with you it's gossip

some, folks make things too hard for themselves,and this is such an example

thankfully I don't do school gates so miss all this dribble

Original poster

mrsbingle · 16/12/2011 09:43

typicalvirgo that is hilarious! oh i wish i could get taken for coffee by her, at least it would be a laugh. my thing was just depressing.

i am ignoring, just feeling as though i need some new friends and had momentary panic this would involve moving house which i hadn't been planning on. perhaps i can find an easier way!

OP posts:

pigletmania · 16/12/2011 09:44

Both A and B sound like they belong in the playground, not in a proper adult world. I would take anything said by them with a big pinch of Saxa salt. In relation to the other mummy friends that have phoned you, some people are just very sensitive and take things to heart, everthing, they may have low self esteem or confidence. Just be supportive, make the right noises why should it change the dynamics of your friendship!

PresentsRibbonsAndMerrySantas · 16/12/2011 09:45

and this is why i mainly stand by myself and keep myself to myself, say hello to a few mums and really talk to one and thats it really, i stand there quite often hearing them back stabb each other and gossip about people. i often think they think i am deaf

nuitdesetoiles · 16/12/2011 09:45

This surprises me but tbh maybe I'm a bit naive and oblivious to it. Dd is in reception and I was nervous about this but all the parents seem very pleasant, haven't heard any bitching or backbiting. everyone says hello, smiles, chats. everyone genuinely seems to want to get on.

WorraLiberty · 16/12/2011 09:46

i am ignoring, just feeling as though i need some new friends and had momentary panic this would involve moving house which i hadn't been planning on. perhaps i can find an easier way!

How did you make friends before you had children?

Not all friends have to be 'mummy friends' you know.

Oh and now I've used a phrase that makes me want to hurl my cornflakes up

pigletmania · 16/12/2011 09:46

So glad I pick up dd at a different location at the school (SN MS pick up at reception as she preferres it that way). I avoid all the school mums at pick up time

scottishmummy · 16/12/2011 09:47

hehe a list would be great to see that.wonder if the school wags know I think they are risible.I mean ladies massive sunnies in drench weather,well it's so passé

PresentsRibbonsAndMerrySantas · 16/12/2011 09:50

nuitdesetoiles your dd is only in reception, still early days of lets be nice to and about everyone still

Original poster

mrsbingle · 16/12/2011 09:58

pigletmania - some people are just very sensitive and take things to heart, everthing, they may have low self esteem or confidence. Just be supportive, make the right noises..

I am going to go with that, thanks.

OP posts:

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 16/12/2011 10:02

I have in recent months made a conscious decision to keep my distance from lots of mums at the school gates as I hate all the cliquiness, gossiping, the "Oh lets slag off X today as she isn't here" type of thing. And also the mums that sometimes speak like you're their best friend and at other times totally blank you.

It occurred to me suddenly that actually the only thing I have in common with most of them is that we happened to give birth in the same year. I have known one or two of the mums for years since pre-children days so I tend to just talk to them now, and a quick polite "hello" to the others.

I dropped DD this morning and there was a group of 6 or 7 mums all standing cackling outside the gate, and when I came back out they were still there cackling. I said a quick "Hello" to them all and carried on walking and actually felt a sense of relief that I'm not involved in any of that kind of cliquiness these days.

CailinDana · 16/12/2011 10:03

I can understand your disappointment mrsbingle, I hate this kind of thing too, but maybe you can let it go? Some people absolutely love a good gossip and this woman was an easy target for them so they seized the opportunity with both hands. It's silly and childish but as long as you make it clear to them that you're not up for that sort of playground behaviour maybe you can move past it?

carabos · 16/12/2011 10:05

The most satisfying greeting I ever had at the school gates was "Ooh we don't see much of you".

pigletmania · 16/12/2011 10:05

I have a mummy friend like that, she is African and really take it to heart when people don't greet her or sometimes ignore her, as she said where she comes from everyone is friendly to one another. She really takes it personally that some people do not greet her or smile, and has said that mabey its racial, I explained to her that is what some people are like, it does not mean that they are being racist or don't like you.

Original poster

mrsbingle · 16/12/2011 10:11

CailinDana - I hate this kind of thing too, but maybe you can let it go?

I can, I will... in fact I have.

Being able to air it in here has been great, thank you all so much. I didn't want to talk about it because so silly and just making things worse, but it did bug me.

OP posts:

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 16/12/2011 10:16

Piglet, it seems to be a very odd British trait; ignoring one minute and then being all friendly the next.

CailinDana · 16/12/2011 10:27

Oh thank you for saying that Hexagonal, it makes me feel a bit less paranoid. I'm Irish and I have found that British people are a bit inconsistent in friendliness which has made me a bit at times. I go around smiling at everyone, saying hi to every single person at babygroup while others seem to say hi to some and ignore others which seems horribly rude to me. But if it's just a cultural thing then that's fine, I won't take it to heart :)

CailinDana · 16/12/2011 10:28

Oh I'm glad it's helped mrsbingle.

Flip

1 2