Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To be cross with gossiping school mums?

44 replies

mrsbingle · 16/12/2011 09:28

My first post here...

I have been a school mum for 4 yrs and during that time have made some nice friendships with other school mums. There are lots of hello-mums, some stop-and-chat-briefly mums, a few really-great-to-see-you mums and a couple of avoid-at-all-cost mums.

Now there is another Y4 mum who has sort of wafted in and out of popularity with the others. She is pushy outgoing and all up I feel uncomfortable around her so stay out of her path. But some of my friends enjoy her and have at times had quite intense friendships with her.

In the mix is another intense mum, I'll call her B. Again, I have kept my distance and had come to no grief there. Until now.

Along the way A & B become friendly. Until. One day A tells B exactly what she thinks of every mum/child/teacher at the school, none of it flattering. B is outraged and takes it upon herself to tell everyone - and I mean everyone - what A has said about them.

They, in turn, are upset and phones ring hot.

Two phone me to tell all about it. They have been lovely friends (great-to-see-you mums), but this has really changed how I feel about them. I think it is all so silly and I can't understand why they are giving airtime to the gossip.

I tried to say so (in more gentle terms) but it has affected our friendship, mostly in that I feel disappointed and as though I've just found out my friends are idiots.

I place a lot of importance on kindness and consideration and have taught my children not to repeat unkindness they hear except to me or a teacher.

Can someone help me make sense of this? Am I being too hard on my friends or are they all behaving like children?

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 16/12/2011 10:31

You have the right attitude - keep neutral and well out of it. They are behaving like 12 year olds at school again. Ridiculous. It's easy to get dragged into this sort of nonsense so keep your distance.

It was a bit of a shocker for me when I realised grown women behaved like this!

lazarusinNazareth · 16/12/2011 10:36

Life is just too short. Fixed grin and let it all waft over you.
Merry Christmas!

IndigoBell · 16/12/2011 10:39

Thing is, a lot of people do need school mum friends.

Before we had kids we had other friends - but we actually had time to spend with them.

Now all my time is taken up with work or the kids. I don't have any friends at work any more because I haven't got the time to go out drinking with them after work.

So, realistically, the only people I have time to meet is the school mums.

(Not that I have time for them either - but at least I consistently see them.)

JaneBirkin · 16/12/2011 10:44

It's really shite isn't it. I read your Op half thinking, is this OUR school? Because it sounds a lot like it/ Gosspi like this is rife and it really pisses me off.

I've decided to not talk to any of them any more, about anything significant - all they do is embellish it and pass it on.

and they wonder why I'm not talking to them any more...well I just avoid, I haven't actually told them this. It is pathetic. Yanbu

JaneBirkin · 16/12/2011 10:48

I was surprised too when I realised they did this.

I mean if someone has a genuine problem or issue and they confide in you, then great - you listen, try to help, you don't tell anyone else.

I've been confided in and I didn't pass any of it on. I am willing to discuss teacher issues but nothing to do with people's personal lives. that goes no further. I never do that 'Ooh, did you hear about Jane and her amazing love life' sort of thing. Sadly some enjoy it.

so don't give them the information, and don't pass anything on if you get told it. and try to spend no time socially with them. They will still make up shite about you but at least no one will know if it's true or not.

pigletmania · 16/12/2011 10:57

It is Hex sometimes and I have encountered it you greet some of the school mums and they ignore you, other times your flavour of the month. I just say hello to those I know and don't get dragged into any of it. I know some of the mums do get together outside school, but I personally do not want to be a part of it, and I don't think that I will win a popularity contest there as dd has SN.

kiwimumof2boys · 16/12/2011 11:00

Some good advice here OP.
Just remember that gossip says more about the person who said it than anyone else.
(My mother told me that ages ago, and I've always taken it on board throughout work/friendships etc.)

pigletmania · 16/12/2011 11:00

They do blow hot and cold at times.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 16/12/2011 11:03

Piglet I am the same as you, I just don't want to get involved in the cliquiness, and the coffee mornings, and the comparing SATS results. Really can't be bothered.

WorraLiberty · 16/12/2011 11:06

I'm Irish and I have found that British people are a bit inconsistent in friendliness which has made me a bit at times. I go around smiling at everyone, saying hi to every single person at babygroup while others seem to say hi to some and ignore others which seems horribly rude to me. But if it's just a cultural thing then that's fine, I won't take it to heart

Calin my whole family are Irish and I don't find Irish people any more or less friendly than British people.

People are just people and they're either friendly or they aren't.

A1980 · 16/12/2011 11:20

I have a feeling you are either A or B in this.

THe behaviour sounds worse than your childrens. Grow up.

A1980 · 16/12/2011 11:22

WHAT WHAT WHAT!!!!

If aBritish person said that about Irish people or anyone else, we'd be flamed and called racist.

BTW my neighbour is Irish and a miserable cow. It's a hit and miss whether she'll smile at you or look right through you when she sees you.

AfternoonDelight · 16/12/2011 11:28

I wouldn't worry about it.

As my mam says, they'll be talking about something/someone else next week (probably Christmas)

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 16/12/2011 11:45

A1980, that's a bit harsh. The OP wasn't A or B as far as I could tell. She says she has been phoned by others telling her all about it. I don't think the OP needs to grow up at all, she is being the more mature person by not wanting any part in the gossip.

daytoday · 16/12/2011 12:10

These situations happen when you have a lot of people together - they happen in work environments too! I feel very sad about the stereotyping of 'cackling mums at school gates.' Surely most of us are individuals who can make up our own minds and are a mixture of outgoing and friendly to shy to bossy and rude.

It will boil over. Maybe some people are upset because the gossip is about them. I personally would not repeat any unkind things someone has said about someone else

But I actually don't subscribe to the 'cackling alpha mum myth' its just another cliche like 'yummy mummy' and I feel these are new sexist stereotypes that replace the old ones of 'hysterical women' and 'bossy bitch' which were common in the 70's and 80's and all those other awful things that are generically said about women.

Gosh, our daughters will perhaps become mothers too - I don't want them to think about the school gates like this.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 16/12/2011 12:39

daytoday, if your criticism of the use of the word "cackling" was aimed at me, I said cackling because that is literally what they were doing and what they do on a regular basis.

The group of mums I described aren't very pleasant and are very cliquey and will be unkind about whoever isn't there that day, or will speak sometimes and not speak at other times, so in my opinion yes they are a stereotypical group of cackling mums at the school gate.

Lucky21 · 16/12/2011 19:15

Oh Christ.... None of my kids are big enough for school yet - is it seriously that bad...? I thought people stopped behaving like that when they're about 17!!

Original poster

mrsbingle · 16/12/2011 21:14

worral - yes I have friends other than school mums.

i'm not anti school mums, lots of them are perfectly nice and, at the moment, we have our children and our community in common.

In fact, I look forward to pick up - I only do it twice a week and I love watching the children tumble out full of news, calling out to their friends and the parents and kids happy to see each other, it's nice.

OP posts:

OpinionatedMum · 16/12/2011 22:11

I'm so glad I am a miserable unsociable cow who doesn't mix much on the school run!

Yes, they are acting like kids.

Flip

1 2