To think this book inappropriate for dd, 6

[Molehillmountain]

Holiday reading sent home-one of dds is about a couple about to separate through daughters eyes. The mum is tired and tearful a lot and the dad no fun because he's always looking tired-our family at the moment but we're not about to separate -we just have a five month old dd. I know it's maybe a bit precious but I think issues like that are for families to talk about unprompted by the reading books or for phse lessons. Don't want dd mothering over it however amicable their split is because it's not happening here.

I think it's very important that all children understand the differences between families and realise that they're not all the same.

There are children living in all sorts of different ways now - some with mom and dad, some with aunts, uncles or grandparents, some with just mom or just dad, some fostered, some adopted. In fact, it's becomming more and more common now for a child not to be raised in a 'mom and dad' household, I think it's vital that others understand this. And at 6 they should be more than able to grasp that.

The book I would welcome as it can start a good conversation between you about such things.

Speaking as the mother of a child with separated parents, I really resent people treating the subject as something so horrible that it can't be allowed to sully "normal" children

As a widow I feel the same about hiding the fact that death happens, as too miserable a subject for those not touched by it. I found that 5/6 yrs was the age that they were really interested, especially girls. It is parents who make it a taboo subject. I have had many a 6yr old ask me questions while the parent squirmed with embarrassment and tried to change the subject. A book is a good way to discuss subjects in a safe environment. I would hope that other DCs could have some empathy with a child who has lost a close relative through death-not have it as something they can't hear about as it is too upsetting. They will be very lucky if they get through childhood without losing a pet or a grandparent or someone they know through death. It can be presented in such a way that it isn't frightening. It is after all the one sure thing in life-we will all die one day.

People all shy away from the big questions in life-interesting questions like 'is there a God' never get aired-it is closed as in mummy says there isn't one or mummy says there is-end of subject! (with the DC supposed to agree)

LostVagueness ? As I said already, I think parents are entitled to choose how and when to talk about different types of families to their dc. However if they haven?t done it by the time their dc start school, then they left it too late and the school needs to talk about these things to try to reduce the chance of those dc saying or doing something unintentionally unkind to their classmates because they don?t understand. I don?t think that dc need to know ?the finer points of homosexuality? any more than they need to know the finer points of heterosexuality. What they do need to know is that sometimes men love men and women love women and that there?s nothing wrong with that. If a dc is old enough to understand that there are heterosexual relationships, then they are also old enough to understand that homosexual relationships exist, and it is homophobic to claim otherwise. I agree that not all dc are the same, but (special needs aside) I find it very difficult to believe that even the most under emotionally developed school-age dc does not know that people sometimes love each other.

As a child of divorced parents in the 70's which was VERY unusual where we lived, I really was the only one in the entire school, I would've loved books about separation to make me feel a bit like I wasn't the only kids in the whole world going through it.

I agree teddybare.

In terms of the book about divorce, this is sadly very common and your DD will have classmates whose parents are divorced. Sometimes children can harbour fears that you don't know about if you don't talk to them about things like this. So if she knows some children in her class have divorced parents, she may worry unknown to you that this could happen in her family.

Books like this imo, give an easy and safe way to discuss the issue and to reassure children that although sadly this does happen in some families, it won't in theirs - unless of course it does look imminent.

I remember when one of my DD's was 6 being startled to discover she was worried about cancer. It came out almost by accident. After a long careful discussion it emerged that a child who was 11 in the school, had cancer and the children had been talking about it in the playground - because said child had lost his hair. My DD did not know this child and did not know what cancer was, but she had been frightened about this. It meant that I could address her very real fears and reassure her - and helped to lay the groundwork when sadly this child died.

It actually worried me that she could have easily continued to be scared of this and i wouldn't have known anything. Children don't live in a bubble. Even if they have no big issues in their life, their classmates will have.

Thank you all. I think on balance we'll read the book-and since in our family a split isn't on the cards will talk about other reasons people can be cross, sad or tired. We've always talked about a range of family types-I was more worried about dd putting two and two together and making five but it gives a chance to air the views. I've never shied away from answering dd's questions as they arise-feels a bit strange to have the questions thrust upon us by a fairly clumsily and simplistically written reading scheme book rather than naturally or through reading something a bit more sophisticated. I think there's a wider issue than this one book-all the fiction coming home through the reading scheme at the moment is that kind of real life issue stories and I feel that there should be a balance even though dd reads lots of other things. Sorry if I'd implied separation is out of the ordinary or not to be discussed-I don't believe that for a minute but it is something that causes worry and sadness for children and they need help to understand the reasons why. Also, understanding a range of different family types stands alongside but is something separate to the actual issues surrounding separation. My own family is reasonably complicated so I'm very well aware that "normal" encompasses a range. Thanks-again aibu is a great place to sort out thinking.

YABU

A little girl I used to babysit was from a very VERY rich family.

Massive luxury 7 bedroom house, top private school, holidays all over the world, she wanted for nothing.

She used to read Jacqueline Wilson's books. She had no idea other children lived in such difficult circumstnaces and she was humbled. She was about 7-8 at the time. She said it gave her inspiration to want to help people......

They can do good.

I'm looking forward to dd reading Jacqueline Wilson. She writes characters and situations with a bit of depth and a novel is an appropriate length to get to know characters and situations. You can't get that from a 16 page reading scheme book whose main purpose is to teach reading, IMO. A set of modern children's literature classics and addictive for girls of a certain age.

Teddybare...OK sounds fair enough to me. I can see what you mean about this. Perhaps if OP has such strong views she should approach the school and tell them her thoughts or perhaps just lighten up a bit and understand that her children need to learn about these things in order for them to understand the world around them.

OP, there you go, you've come to a conclusion!

I completely agree that books can give us an opportunity to talk about how our lives are the same as well as different to other people's but, do you know what? Everybody's differences are ok and are what makes them who they are. Such an important message for children to get.

Huzzah!

Enjoy the book.

I think 6 is a bit young to be intentionally introduced to the idea of family breakdown unless the kid's been unfortunate enough to suffer it - kids take everything to heart so much, and she's bound to come across it with some of her friends as she gets older (in fact, she probably has already). Real life is generally the best way to get acquainted with these things.

Just because it's incredibly common doesn't mean it's not a major issue, and could be really frightening for a young child - why worry them about it if it's not necessary?

Lucky is it only older children's parents who divorce then?

I think it is horrible that some DCs go through it and other parents don't even want their DCs to know about it-as something that happens to 'other people'. How can they be a friend to a DC if they have no empathy?

I don't see why the OP is being flamed here. It's perfectly valid to worry about the books your 6 year old brings home when they are a good reader. Just because they can read the words it doesn't mean the content is appropriate. I'm not saying family breakups are necessarily out of bounds for a six year old to read about, but it depends on the way it is written.

My daughter who is also six bought a book for children about the Holocaust at a school book sale. I had a quick look through and it was apparent it was more appropriate for a ten or eleven year old, so I said she could read it when she was a bit older, which she understood.

Do you let them watch any old film or television programme then or do you censor what they watch? Books are no different!

YY Teddybare although when you have a child with SN you sometimes have to be even more proactive. My DS isn't very good at recognising social cues (translation, can be like a bull in a china shop) so the only way to avoid 'why is that lady holding hands with that lady' being bellowed across Tesco is to get on and show him all sorts of different families in all sorts of different forms, which we've done from a very young age. And now two gay friends of ours finally have their much longed-for baby he can see it in RL too!

I thought she was sent home with a book chosen by the school, as suitable reading material-not any old book.

Not necessarily, exotic fruits, independent readers can often choose their own books from the library, it depends what controls are in place to assist them.

Valium, did I not say 'In fact, she probably has already'?

Given that no posters on here seem to agree as to what is a difficult subject, what are the schools to do? Restrict all reading to teddy-bears and fluffy bunnies? And even then there might be some to object.

Children are all different: when I was 6 I would have coped fine with death and divorce but was terrified by ghosts and skeletons: even the gentlest book on archaeology was enough to do my head in. Ds otoh was fine with monsters and death but got very upset by reading about even minor disagreements or everyday arguments in ordinary families. So how was a school supposed to allow for that?

Isn't it better if the parents just keep an eye on the child and maybe say "I think that one might be a bit old for you, shall we ask Miss for a different one tomorrow/read something else in the holidays?" instead of expecting the school to foresee every possible contingency.

Though on empathy grounds, I do think it is important that children should be prepared for a certain amount of what goes on around them- illness, disability, perhaps even death- so they can be better friends to their friends. The Holocaust can wait because their understanding of that won't be needed until they are older- but chances are that their empathy with more everyday tragedies will be needed.

Oh FFS! You can't seriously be comparing a book about divorcing parents to one about the Holocaust shirley?!

No, I don't think anyone was.

I haven't read the whole thread but yes yabu and a bit precious really. WE are a non traditional family in so far as we both had DC's when we met and now have DC's together and I actually lent a book to a firend about 2 families because her DS was complaining that he only has one of everything whereas my DC have 2 of everything! It helped her to explain about different versions of normal and the pros and cons in a way her DS could understand. My DC didn't need it their situation is normal to them but I wouldn't ban books about traditional familes in case it upset them. Whatever next - banning books with different ethnicities in case parents haven't got around to telling children that not everyone has the same colour skin yet?

A half decent parent will make sure that children know all families and children are different and if you've taught tolerance from day 1 I doubt DD will even raise an eyebrow. If you haven't, perhaps now is the time.....

A book is one place where you can explore all these different situations safely and discuss them.

Lucky you did I apologise, but you don't just wait til life just chucks something at you before you deal with it otherwise you'd have a very narrow view of life.