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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

makes me wonder what children have to come home to

72 replies

knockneedandknackered · 15/12/2011 15:36

bringing my dd home from school today i heared a women say stop knocking me with your book bag or else il knock you out. what a thing to say to your child made me feelSad it makes me wonder why they have children, and what the poor child must be going through at home.

OP posts:
ovenchips · 15/12/2011 16:26

But what on earth is the point of disapproving and 'being judgey'? It makes feck all difference to anyone in this scenario.

You have seen a snapshot of someone parenting craply. But it's just a snapshot. Maybe they are crap most of the time, maybe they are not. You witnessing it really is of no consequence.

And I have heard that 'knock you out' expression a fair amount and it didn't mean they were physically going to do it.

Original poster
knockneedandknackered · 15/12/2011 19:02

but do they have to behave like that to children we has adults are expected to be treated fairly, shouldent children get the same respect?

OP posts:
Oakmaiden · 15/12/2011 19:09

peabody I threaten to 'beat my dd with a big stick'.

I do this too. And have never once meant it. Nor have my children ever believed that I meant it - but it does generally stop them doing whatever it is that is bugging me.

And I don't habitually hit my children, though I would be lying if I tried to claim I had NEVER smacked them. But it is/was very rare.

staylucky · 15/12/2011 19:36

Never once smacked my kids but very often use outlandish 'threats' in a jokey manner. My daughter always knows I'm joking but imagine if someone overheard they'd think I was a complete nutter. Maybe I am?! Every family has their own way don't they?

MrsJangleBalls · 15/12/2011 19:51

I was parked beside a chap the other day who screamed 'put that in your pipe and smoke it!' to the two little boys in the back of his car, before getting in the front with some fat bint and just sitting there laughing.

Not particularly violent words but the way he shouted was awful. The poor little boys were howling their heads off. I was like this Angry but they didn't see me unfortunately. I really hope that was a bad moment but tbh if they don't care that they're heard they're probably used to it.

WinterWonderlandIsComing · 15/12/2011 20:11

It's a strange one. My DH has not once ever raised a hand to my DD (11) and he has been her father for eight years however I did have to speak to him once about toning his language down when it came to parenting her when she got older because it made us both uncomfortable.

I can't even remember what the phrases were now but they horrified me at the time but for him they were normal because he had himself grown up with it (ILs are still the same in their use of violent language) and in fact much worse was actually carried out by his own Dad Sad My parents had never used phrases like that (although they did hit me)

He listened when I explained how horrible it was for me and for her to hear and that I would NOT accept it and keep him around if he continued because I considered it to be abusive. It never happened again and he took our feelings VERY seriously.

I don't tend to use any piss-taking or half / non-serious comments because I am on the autistic spectrum and I just don't get the whole back-chat thing. DD does do the ritual insult thing now funnily enough and her convos with my Dad have me going Shock sometimes but it's just banter. So I suppose it just depends.

ovenchips · 15/12/2011 21:07

OP As far as I can see you did not start a thread to debate the merits of affording children and adults equal respect. You started a thread because you overheard something unpleasant. It seems to be a big deal to you and has upset you. You think the mother should not have had children based on this. And you are also judging a mum who another poster overheard and you have never met, deciding their child is somehow being neglected.

But I still don't see the point. The actual purpose of the thread seems to be for your benefit. To allow you to be scandalised and tut and proclaim 'Won't someone please think of the children'. Pointless to me.

Ribeno · 15/12/2011 21:16

That's pretty horrible. I agree that it could have been a momentary lapse and not what would literally happen.

I was in a shop last christmas, a week or so away from giving birth (feeling very emotional) and I witnessed something similar.

There were massive queues for tills and a little boy (maybe 4 or 5) was getting a bit fed up, whinging and started pulling at his mummy. He was tugging but I wouldn't have said really rough. The mum screamed at him "shut up or I'll smack you, you dirty little dog".

I will always remember the "dirty little dog" bit the most although I know it's all shocking. I was practically in tears then and wanted to go up and say something to her.

pooka · 15/12/2011 21:22

My children laugh like drains when I make outlandish threats. I'm sure nobody passing by would imagine I was actually going to chop their legs off and feed them to the cats. Or I was sure - perhaps not.

WinterWonderlandIsComing · 15/12/2011 21:39

Yeah but even I can see that there's a world of difference between saying that about the legs and cats Grin and, "I'll give you a smack you in the mouth" or something.

It is always horrible to overhear things like that. I once heard someone outside Asda on her phone shortly after DS' diagnosis of ASD (when I was fighting for help) saying that she didn't see the point of going to any meetings at all with anyone because he had ADHD and that was that as long as "she got her" money there was no point.

I was like this Grin

pooka · 15/12/2011 22:02

That's true. The more wacky the threat, the less likely it will be taken seriously. It is when they're part of a normal mundane conversation that it can be upsetting.

Like the judgey poster. Could have done with that at school earlier.

Mum screeching into mobile phone "they've fucking excluded him. The fucking bastards have excluded him. I know [insert child's name] wouldn't swear at the fucking tossers".

Nice.

WibblyBibble · 15/12/2011 22:12

Yes, wouldn't it be terrible if a child learned to understand metaphorical and probably dialect-appropriate speech. Or do you really think the mother was going to 'knock them out'? People round here tell people to boil their heads- do you think they're making a genuine threat with that?

tralalala · 15/12/2011 22:27

I have never got over the woman I met at nct repeatedly refering to her toddler as 'a little shit' in his hearing. I had to stay away from her because I would have lost it with her. Inretrospect I wish I had instead of offering her advice that she ignored.

tralalala · 15/12/2011 22:30

judgey op perhaps. But many people abuse their kids in many ways.

FiFiLaMoure · 15/12/2011 22:35

Long time lurker here -What about a mother who when losing her rag screams at her daughter in a rage that she's 'A fucking evil cow who should be in a children's home' .Not just once, but on several occasions I've witnessed similar comments and and shreiked in horror.

flibbertywidget · 15/12/2011 22:42

YANBU.... I remember being horrified by a woman saying to her 4/5yr old daughter on the bus "you are dead to me" - even if a flippant remark, joke, familiar.. still horrid thing to say to a child.

working9while5 · 15/12/2011 22:52

I'm with lesley33, threatening to knock a child out, even if 'just' a threat, is really really unpleasant. Can no-one hear the difference between that and saying 'stop scootering in front of me otherwise I'll throw it in the bin' or whatever? I've heard a mother walking along literally spitting venom at her child 'you are a fing waste of space, you are a fing idiot, I f*ing hate you' etc, nothing will convince me this is just a mum venting a little and that some of these children go home to happy homes

Absolutely.

What is so wrong about judging someone for threatening violence to a child?

I am not perfect, I have said some stupid things to my kid but I don't think that this sort of stuff is "live and let live". I see parents roaring at their kids in the supermarket e/g/ "shut it Oliver or I'll whack your arse til it bleeds" sort of thing, and I don't like it and I do judge people who talk to children this way. All this stuff about tone of voice Hmm. I very much doubt it was said in a jolly, jokey kind of way as if it were, I doubt OP would have posted about it.

Janni · 15/12/2011 22:53

DH was on the London underground recently and saw an African lady hit her child. Nobody else said anything (cultural sensitivity?) but he just told her it wasn't OK to hit her child and she needed to find other ways to discipline him. She told him in no uncertain terms that where she came from it was fine and he just repeated what he said, very calmly. He's not one to draw attention to himself but he felt really strongly about this.

WinterWonderlandIsComing · 15/12/2011 22:54

That is very sad Janni. I can't help but think of Victoria Climie reading that.

winterfox · 15/12/2011 22:55

it is her culture though - there was a good discussion on this on radio 4 last night

surprised it wasn't posted on here

but i do think we should respect different cultures and that includes how they bring up their children as a foremost

winterfox · 15/12/2011 22:56

it is very patrionising to assume the white middle class way to bring up children is the right way

Janni · 15/12/2011 23:03

Why is not hitting children a white, middle class prerogative?

working9while5 · 15/12/2011 23:25

There are a lot of non-white, non-middle class families who don't roar abuse at their kids and/or hit them.

WinterWonderlandIsComing · 15/12/2011 23:35

We should respect other cultures and how they bring their children up even though I wouldn't hit mine and others do?

Please tell me I have misread. I hope I did.

change99 · 16/12/2011 00:13

Any person/colour/creed who abuses their kids by hitting them or yelling obscenities at them deserves to have their kids removed from the family home. Sometimes the Social Services are the place to turn.