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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my baby's dad to see her.....?

36 replies

kritur · 15/12/2011 11:34

Bit of background. Bloke got serious cold feet when I was pg and basically told me he wouldn't have anything to do with us and I would have to raise the baby by myself. We still stayed in contact, same circle of friends and also toing and froing on and off, especially when I was in late pregnancy when he suddenly decided to become nice again. So fast forward and the baby is now here, he has decided he wants to be part of her life however he didn't come to the hospital (I was in for quite a while) and he hasn't been to visit. He has seen her for about an hour when I took her round to his mum's house. The reason for this is his adult daughter is having trouble coping with the baby being here. SO he says he won't come and see his baby until his daughter is happy with things, apparently she thinks it might take a couple of months to do this! Last night I honestly lost it on the phone with him, he said adult daughter has to be his priority and he doesn't want to lie to her by saying he hasn't been round if he has. He thinks it doesn't matter because the baby doesn't understand what's going on and who everyone is. I can't stop crying about it, it's me who will have to explain in years to come why he's not in her baby pictures and she's growing so fast already.

So am I being unreasonable to expect him to come and visit?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 15/12/2011 11:36

If he has an adult daughter, he clearly isnt a young bloke... but he certainly sounds like an immature one.

Were you actually in a relationship with this man at all?

KatAndKit · 15/12/2011 11:36

YANBU and he is being ridiculous using an adult as an excuse why he can't spend time with a tiny baby. But I guess this shows you from the very beginning that he is likely to be quite flaky as a dad anyway if that is his attitude.

effingwotsits · 15/12/2011 11:37

YANBU.

His daughter doesn't sound very 'adult' and he seriously needs to grow a pair and stop hiding behind a feeble excuse.

It must be very sad for you though Sad

OldeChestnut · 15/12/2011 11:38

you cant force someone to behave how you think they should

shrugs

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 15/12/2011 11:39

Yes. He's been very clear, so it is unreasonable, well, no, not unreasonable more unrealistic really, to expect him to visit. He's already told you that's not going to happen.

You are not. not not not. not.

not.

being unreasonable to think that he should visit and to think that he is a twat of the highest order to be behaving like this.

His adult daughter is having problems with this situation? well boo hoo.

This is an excuse. He can choose to say to his daughter that this is his child and he will be a father to this child.

Instead he chooses to fob you off with oooh, my adult offspring isn't happy, going to have to wait for permission before I have anything to do with this baby.

What a crock of shit.

But he is right that the baby won't have a clue. It's you it's hurting. Sad

I do hope he's at least paying for this child.

NinkyNonker · 15/12/2011 11:40

Yanbu. Very Sad

Original poster
kritur · 15/12/2011 11:41

Yes we were in a relationship, we were friends who ended up together. We'd been friends for 3 years but only 3 months into the relationship when I got pregnant. He said if he doesn't get it right with his daughter then he can't be part of baby's life even though he wants to be. Last night I admit I said 'fine, we'll have it like that then because I'm fed up of being messed about'. He thins I should 'understand' how hard it is for his daughter. It's not hard at all, pregnancy is hardly a quick process so I think she should have come to terms with it by now.

Not really stopped crying since last night :(

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 15/12/2011 11:41

He was probably a crap dad to his adult daughter too.. :(

squeakytoy · 15/12/2011 11:42

Do you know his daughter? Can you speak to her, ask her if she wants to meet her half-sibling? Once she sees the baby she might come round a bit too.

It must be a bit of an awkward situation when you are an adult and your dad is having a baby with someone he had only just started seeing.

snuffaluffagus · 15/12/2011 11:46

how old is this "adult" daughter? Why is she so upset by having a new sister?

Original poster
kritur · 15/12/2011 11:49

Yes I know the daughter and got on well with her. Unfortunately she decided to send me some horrible messages when I came out of hospital so I don't feel like I can get in touch with her. i have told her that she has my tel no and she knows where I live, has been to my house before etc so she's welcome to come and visit by herself or with her boyf, even as if she was just visiting someone who'd just have a baby without the significance of who that baby is. I feel so crap though, I'm hormonal and still ill from the birth and I'm having to deal with this.

OP posts:
HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 15/12/2011 11:50

She probably isn't.

but it's a good excuse, isn't it?

I'm not the bad guy, I would be a father, but my other child won't let me, it's not my fault...

Original poster
kritur · 15/12/2011 11:50

She is 21

OP posts:
HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 15/12/2011 11:51

oh, xpost. I'm wrong then. She is a total tit.

Still doesn't excuse him using her childish tantrum over not being daddy's little baby girl any more as an excuse for not visiting.

It is entirely his choice.

ViviPrudolf · 15/12/2011 11:52

OldeChestnut, I'm tempted to copy and paste your post to my stickies and have it as my AIBU go-to comment.

Original poster
kritur · 15/12/2011 12:08

Not sure what her issue with the baby is, there's been lots of talk of her losing him and he's been just her dad for the last 21 years...... I agree that it's him making the decision, he could just tell her but I honestly thin he's a coward.

OP posts:
HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 15/12/2011 12:12

or it just suits him to give in to this tantrum

ooh your taking my daddy away, it's not fair. He's MY daddy.

If that's the behaviour of a 21 year old woman there's something seriously wrong with her.

AKMD · 15/12/2011 12:13

What an absolute idiot and yes, he is a snivelling coward. You sound like a saint.

TBH I would base my future plans around him not being around. Define your terms and stick to them because it sounds like he's a flake of the lowest kind and if he does decide to be part of your DD's life he will run off again at the first sign of hard work. :(

Do you have RL support?

RecursiveMoon · 15/12/2011 12:42

kritur, YANBU, but I hope that you already know that.

21 is old enough to realise that life doesn't turn out how you expect it sometimes, and that sometimes you just have make the best of things. Mind you, if's not like her Dad has been a good role model in that regard.

I think that you should think carefully about what you want, then talk to your DD's Dad, telling him clearly that you need his support, and that he can't hide behind his grown up daughter as an excuse. and also that you won't hang around waiting for him, so he needs to make his mind up.

  • contact the CSA if you haven't already.

Really Sad for you kritur. Congratulations on your DD, I bet she's fab.

samandi · 15/12/2011 12:46

Bloke got serious cold feet when I was pg and basically told me he wouldn't have anything to do with us and I would have to raise the baby by myself.

Were you planning on having a baby? Using contraception? Did you tell him in time to have a termination?

If you went ahead with the pregnancy thinking he would turn round and want to be involved when he'd made it clear he didn't want a kid, then YABVU.

If you want a family then have kids with a guy that actually wants them too.

sweetsantababy · 15/12/2011 12:54

Samandi helpful Hmm

Original poster
kritur · 15/12/2011 12:58

No the baby wasn't planned, yes I was using contraception and we discussed at length whether to carry on with the pregnancy. I didn't think he was going to turn around, I was fully prepared to do it all by myself. It was him who had the change of heart.

I didn't get pregnant on purpose, but neither could I have an abortion once I was pregnant.

OP posts:
brandysoakedbitch · 15/12/2011 13:04

But Samandi is making a good point - he has been very clear from the beginning about his intention not to Father this child. Yes of course he is being a bastard but he has been very clear all the way along. The thing is he cannot just come and see the baby, he has to see the OP too - he knows what he is doing is wrong and is using his adult daughters tantrum to justify dreadful behaviour.

Op FWIW I think you need to leave this. If his Mother wants to see the baby then let her come to you - If you are round his Mothers house he will again feel you are chasing him. Just stop all contact, he knows where you are and sadly you might just have to accept he is not going to do what you want - he is not ogin to step up so although you are completely reasonable to want him in your dds life it might be better to just walk away with your pride intact. That said I would not put him on the birth certificate because Fathers like this often shirk responsibility and then make things harder for the Mother in the long term because they have parental responsibility. Do go for him formally through the CSA and just stop trying to contact him - he is not interested - I am so sorry for , you really don't need this but look at it as an investment in protecting your DD against future disappointment from an arse hole who has fucked up priorities.

samandi · 15/12/2011 13:10

Samandi helpful

I'm not trying to be helpful, I'm answering the OP's question. IMO and going on the information given, she is not being reasonable.

samandi · 15/12/2011 13:13

I was fully prepared to do it all by myself. It was him who had the change of heart

Well he seems to be chopping and changing his mind quite a lot, so while YANBU to "want" him to visit I still think YABU to "expect" it. Sorry.

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