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Original poster

Santa Claus is coming to town.....but MIL & FIL have infuriated me AGAIN!

34 replies

Spirit72 · 15/12/2011 10:56

And breathe..........I'll try to summarise

Been with husband for 8yrs and every year unless we invite his parents for Xmas we are faced with same scenario, his mother and a face like a slapped ar*e! My husband has a brother and his parents live 200miles away. Ever since I can remember they have been controlling - MIL threw her dummy out when we got married because she couldn't have ALL her friends there (we paid for all the wedding). Got a gob on when my husband asked if they'd mind not visiting and coming to stay the same day I came home with newborn baby. Forces us to go to family parties hundreds of miles away (ie even books our hotel room!). Book themselves in to a static on a campsite we're staying on etc etc I'm sure you get the picture.

This year my husband has told them three times that we are going away for Xmas to a booked cottage, I witnessed him telling them on one occasion. Anyway, this week they ring him at work (which is what they do when something isn't going their way and I have told them this inappropriate whilst he's at work). They ask him what we are doing for Xmas.....he tells them AGAIN and gets the silent treatment, husband said it was a very awkward phone call and they are clearly not happy. They also comment that Xmas day will just be another day to them now.

What has infuriated me is that they have known since August of our plans yet they do this the week before Xmas AND we are meeting half way next week for a Xmas lunch. This Xmas lunch meet was planned in September so by default that only confirmed we wouldn't be spending Xmas with them surely?

My husband and I end up having words because I'm so angry with them, he's stuck in the middle however I did offer to spend NY with the but he won't and I did (with my fingers crossed behind my back) offer to cancel Xmas and stay at home. My husband doesn't have a close relationship with them, he boarded from primary school age and now they want this big family 'unit'. What's worse I know it's all about bragging to their friends rather than actually ending Xmas with us.

They have done so many things in past to try to control us, in fact I found an email from Dec 2006 to her which you could have thought I'd written this week, same scenario.

They are jealous of my close relationship with my parents, I believe you reap what you sow, my parents have been amazing to me.

The upshot is we're not having Xmas with them, his other brother hasn't invited them but so many people who've met them are of the same opinion ie control freaks. (even her own brother said & warned me).

I'm angry as she's upset my husband, angry cos she's done it again forcing things her way. Brassed off that I now have to have lunch with them next week knowing what's been said to my husband. Do I feel sorry for them spending the day alone? No.........she has 3 brothers and sisters alive and her parents are still alive - go spend it with them!

I know I'm ranting here but every year.....we can't do right for doing wrong. We have had them numerous Christmas days but it's just never good enough.

Would you raise it with them or not? And if so before or after the planned meet next week?

OP posts:
DeeOfTheNorthPole · 15/12/2011 11:02

I don't think I'd raise it with them tbh. Never wrestle with pigs - you'll both get dirty and the pig enjoys it Wink( ifswim)

Just paste a bland vacant smile on your face & go along to the meal. Don't rise to any bait but if things get too much simply excuse yourself and leave. Treat them they way you would a toddler having a tantrum. Do not reward negative behaviour.

Then go and have a lovely Christmas without them at the cottage you have booked!

I know this is all much easier said than done btw but good luck and hope things go ok for you. Smile

HughBastard · 15/12/2011 11:06

Agree with Dee. Don't reward her toddlerish behaviour with attention.

Original poster
Spirit72 · 15/12/2011 11:07

Dee I love the pig quote and you make good sense. My only worry is that it will continue year on year as it always does. One year we went abroad just to avoid the situation.

The more they insist the more my heckles rise and I back off - right now I have no intention of spending Christmas with them in the future, full stop.

I think it's sad that nobody wants to have them for Christmas but I also think this exemplifies their terrible behaviour and controlling ways.

OP posts:
HappyCamel · 15/12/2011 11:08

Dee's right. Rise above it. I've been giving my in laws the polite but frosty treatment for years. If you bend over backwards for them they'll only push harder. They think I'm a stuck up cow and not much fun to be around which suits me perfectly.

redskyatnight · 15/12/2011 11:11

My mother is like this. I adopt a fixed happy smile, plan lots of neutral things to talk about and deliberately misunderstand any jibes.

they are unlikely to get better if you confront them, they will probably just get more sneaky (voice of experience).

DeeOfTheNorthPole · 15/12/2011 11:12

Sorry that you're in this situation spirit but it's not something you're causing in any way. I think you're probably right in that it will continue - I just think it'll be much worse if you 'engage' with this silly woman.

Original poster
Spirit72 · 15/12/2011 11:18

HappyCamel, I can totally agree with you, the more I give the more they push and I'm not nasty with them. I plan stuff to see them, weekend meet ups etc but the upshot is that if we don't dance to her tune then she stamps her feet and gets her husband to ring us on the sly then denies any knowledge (when I've pulled her in the past).

I feel like saying to them that because of their behaviour I won't be inviting them for Xmas in the future, then they know. However, they soon forget. Would you believe I have a folder in my inbox entitled MilFil so I can keep the email exchanges to refer back to when she lies or twists things.

Red sky the main prob is they never ask me, always my husband because he is weaker. They know I will front up to them so they try the back door approach. Part of me actually feels that they'd like our marriage to fail so they can get their son back and grandchild - how sad is that!

OP posts:
Original poster
Spirit72 · 15/12/2011 11:20

Engage is the right word Dee, she should know better, I'm a Scorpio!

The only thing I would say is that because I'm so close to my parents and we live 10mins away I do spend a lot of time with them. However, if MIL wasn't so controlling I'd be more likely to make more of an effort?

OP posts:
diddl · 15/12/2011 11:20

Seems to me that you gave them enough notice & that there are enough people that they could be with if they were liked enough!

And I don´t see how your husband is stuck in the middle tbh.

It´s not as if ther´s just one of them who will be totally alone!

Original poster
Spirit72 · 15/12/2011 11:25

Diddl I think my husband feels he's in the middle as in they are his parents but I am his wife. He doesn't want to upset them but he doesn't want to upset me. The added issue is that my family have no desire to engage with them following an incident last year.

OP posts:
diddl · 15/12/2011 11:29

But you´ve already decided to go away-and presumably your husband was OK with this.

That´s why I don´t really see a "middle".

Or does he now feel bad because no one else has invited them anywhere?

Original poster
Spirit72 · 15/12/2011 11:34

If I'm honest I think he's had enough and is fed up to the back teeth with their behaviour. He wants an easy life (don't we all) and he doesn't want the hassle.

But you are right, he made the choice to go away freely, he's looking forward to it and i did offer to cancel Wink

OP posts:
myBOYSareBONKERS · 15/12/2011 12:41

Dont tell them where the cottage is or they may turn up there or book one nearby .......

wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 15/12/2011 13:10

no no tell them where the cottage is . About 300 miles from where you are really staying . lol

Original poster
Spirit72 · 19/12/2011 10:19

Update on the meal - met yesterday, I so didn't want to go but put on my best togs and big smile. I ended up sitting with the kids due to the table layout. I hardly spoke to them at all, mainly cos of where I was sitting. It was a weird, disjointed couple of hours. Gifts got exchanged into cars in the car park. Basically that was it. Not a word was said. We had a quiet drive home, DH and I talked about it later & inexpressed that i couldn't see what I could do to change things.

Basically we're now left with the same problem that will occur annually, whenever she doesn't get her own away she'll stamp her feet and as always DH will get the hassle for it.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 19/12/2011 10:26

Are your parents going to the cottage too? When will you see them if not?

Original poster
Spirit72 · 19/12/2011 10:31

Originally not but parents are coming now. We couldn't invite Mil if we wanted to anyway as they've offended my parents along the route.

They have not asked/mooted any other dates - I did suggest NY to my DH but he said no, he wanted to spend NY with me and kids only!

This go's on any year that we don't invite them ( and we have invited them 5 out if 8 years)

OP posts:
MildlyNarkyPuffin · 19/12/2011 10:33

'He boarded from Primary School age'

As you've said, you reap what you sow. And I'm adopting Dee's pig wisdom.

Original poster
Spirit72 · 19/12/2011 10:48

I suppose what I want is to avoid this situation arising year after year - as a wise person posted on here, the more insistent they become the les I want to invite them. Do I need to spell that out to them or are they stone deaf?

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 19/12/2011 10:59

I think the crux of it is your parents spend more time
/see you more. Sounds like in law jealousy. And they probably assume the cottage was originally booked with your parents included. No matter what you say, they will think this

Original poster
Spirit72 · 19/12/2011 11:03

My parents own the coutage, 1 of 2 so we asked to use one months ago. They since decided to use the other (after asking first if we minded) which we didn't, my DH has a close relationship with them which I'm sure doesn't help matters.

I think I will need to email them for my own sanity otherwise it will eat away at me. Then maybe New Year fresh start......AGAIN!

OP posts:
clam · 19/12/2011 11:36

Email them and say what?

SarahBumBarer · 19/12/2011 11:36

Why not tell them that you plan to alternate years (could you stand it?). That way they have a carrot of looking forward to a Christmas with you (so might behave nicely) but know with plenty of warning that on alternate years you will be doing your own thing/spending it with your parents?

Or you could divorce DH and marry an Australian - works perfectly for us. In the absence of winning the lotterny we have no issues of where to spend Christmas Grin

andaPontyinaPearTreeeeee · 19/12/2011 12:03

They sound dreadful.

I am desperate to know about last year's Incident though...

diddl · 19/12/2011 12:26

It does sound like jealousy with regards to your parents.

Although I can undestand them being upset if you have been saying since August that it would just be the four(?) of you, but now your parents are joining you.

I would go for one in three if possible-one with your parents, one with ILs, one just you, husband & children.