Santa Claus is coming to town.....but MIL & FIL have infuriated me AGAIN!

[Spirit72]

And breathe..........I'll try to summarise

Been with husband for 8yrs and every year unless we invite his parents for Xmas we are faced with same scenario, his mother and a face like a slapped ar*e! My husband has a brother and his parents live 200miles away. Ever since I can remember they have been controlling - MIL threw her dummy out when we got married because she couldn't have ALL her friends there (we paid for all the wedding). Got a gob on when my husband asked if they'd mind not visiting and coming to stay the same day I came home with newborn baby. Forces us to go to family parties hundreds of miles away (ie even books our hotel room!). Book themselves in to a static on a campsite we're staying on etc etc I'm sure you get the picture.

This year my husband has told them three times that we are going away for Xmas to a booked cottage, I witnessed him telling them on one occasion. Anyway, this week they ring him at work (which is what they do when something isn't going their way and I have told them this inappropriate whilst he's at work). They ask him what we are doing for Xmas.....he tells them AGAIN and gets the silent treatment, husband said it was a very awkward phone call and they are clearly not happy. They also comment that Xmas day will just be another day to them now.

What has infuriated me is that they have known since August of our plans yet they do this the week before Xmas AND we are meeting half way next week for a Xmas lunch. This Xmas lunch meet was planned in September so by default that only confirmed we wouldn't be spending Xmas with them surely?

My husband and I end up having words because I'm so angry with them, he's stuck in the middle however I did offer to spend NY with the but he won't and I did (with my fingers crossed behind my back) offer to cancel Xmas and stay at home. My husband doesn't have a close relationship with them, he boarded from primary school age and now they want this big family 'unit'. What's worse I know it's all about bragging to their friends rather than actually ending Xmas with us.

They have done so many things in past to try to control us, in fact I found an email from Dec 2006 to her which you could have thought I'd written this week, same scenario.

They are jealous of my close relationship with my parents, I believe you reap what you sow, my parents have been amazing to me.

The upshot is we're not having Xmas with them, his other brother hasn't invited them but so many people who've met them are of the same opinion ie control freaks. (even her own brother said & warned me).

I'm angry as she's upset my husband, angry cos she's done it again forcing things her way. Brassed off that I now have to have lunch with them next week knowing what's been said to my husband. Do I feel sorry for them spending the day alone? No.........she has 3 brothers and sisters alive and her parents are still alive - go spend it with them!

I know I'm ranting here but every year.....we can't do right for doing wrong. We have had them numerous Christmas days but it's just never good enough.

Would you raise it with them or not? And if so before or after the planned meet next week?

Your MIL sounds like my mother. One Christmas when the inlaws came to us, and she didn't, she called me on Christmas Day and screamed down the phone at me, calling me "shit as a daughter." I had her on speaker phone so inlaws were treated to her behaviour too - not that they needed any introduction to it, as she had sought them out at our wedding to tell them that they were common and had no manners. Strangely, they haven't met or spoken since then...

This year she told me that she was going to stay "somewhere that she was really wanted, with your cousin Zsuzsa." It transpired that this was all news to my cousin, and I got a "sweetness and light" phone call two weeks ago, asking if she could come to us after all. So she is.

I really hate to say this, but it does seem to be the case, that my MIL is whole lot nicer now that she's a widow. Not that my FIL was horrible at all - he was really nice. But now MIL has realised that she's not part of a couple, and really does need the support of her family around her, so it doesn't pay to make the bitchy remarks any more. Hopefully, that's the way it will stay, as we actually get on quite well now.

I wouldn't send any sort of email to her. It will simply keep everything simmering nicely! You've had the meal, you've exchanged the presents so now go and have a lovely Christmas well away from all this martydom and emotional blackmail.

Also, I don't really see why any parents of grown up children have the right to be upset about where another set of parents spend their Christmas.

I NEED to know what the incident was last year?

I'd let your husband sort it out and totally disengage with this situation.

Last year, in a nutshell after lots of hassling us we let them look after children for 2 nights whilst we went away (they've been asking for ages to babysit). We went away, DH phoned home to check all well & 4yr old distraught & hysterical with tears, in turn I was upset as I'm her mum. Upshot was I asked my mum to call over, in my absence, to comfort her and calm her down. (I tried to get a flight home earlier but non). When mum called at door MIL wouldn't let her in, said daughter was asleep (she never sleeps in day). MIL stood in door and basically shut door in my mums face. A neighbour called for help as she'd locked herself out, again not allowed over step. Very good friend lives in road, she said blind shut throughout duration of stay, Xmas outside lights never switched on, daughter never left house. Weird?

I was annoyed they refused my own mother entry and they said I was accusing them of not being able to cope when the truth was, I (stupidly) was 100's miles away, my daughter is distraught and my priority was her not them.

It's caused a wedge between parents, basically MIL miffed. BUT I suspect it is all to do with in law jealousy - as I say you reap what you sow, boarding school at 10 versus loving, supportive, unintrusive parents.......

what did your DD say after that visit? She must've had a horrible time :(

My daughter is happy to see them but won't stay with them, threw a fit when I suggested they pick her up from school and basically won't spend time alone with them. My eldest (teenager) has little time for them and said she wanted to take 4yr old to parents when she was upset during the babysit!

The main problem is that my DH isn't strong enough to stand up to them, whereas I will. My DH was married before and 1st wife had exactly the same problems so it's not just me.

As for every other or one in three xmas's.........i do hear what you are saying and I know it would be the right thing to do but if that was the case I know I'd dread it and write Xmas off for that year.

I should point out that a few years ago they booked a months holidays abroad over Xmas and never mentioned it to us (which they shouldn't have to of course) but my view is its alright for them to please the self when it suits!

Thanks for letting me rant on here.....saves me ranting at my husband!

Dont tell them where the cottage is...