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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask your views on Christmas parental contact

37 replies

mrsscoob · 15/12/2011 08:09

Friend recently split with husband, they have an access agreement at the moment that ex-husband sees the child one evening a week and then has him to stay every other weekend.

His weekend this year falls at Christmas, so my friend wouldn't see her son Christmas Eve and all day Christmas Day until the evening.

She asked (through a solicitor, they don't speak) if this could be changed somewhat to accommodate both of them. He refused.

AIBU to ask your views on this as I imagine it must come up a lot. Should she just accept that its tough and thats how the weekend has fallen, personally I think it is unfair and I also would have thought her son would prefer to be with his mum, but thats just my opinion. I promise you i'm not the "friend" this is a genuine AIBU :) Child is reception age if that helps.

OP posts:
Shutupanddrive · 15/12/2011 08:15

It does seem unfair, has she tried speaking to her ex to see if they can come to some sort of arrangement?

Esta3GG · 15/12/2011 08:15

He doesn't have a huge amount of access anyway does he?
It is just the way Xmas has fallen this year.
She can make her own special Xmas (albeit slightly delayed) this year.

Pisses me off when I hear about parents refusing to talk to each other and being so inflexible. How very charming for the children involved. A plague on both their houses.

deliciousdevilwoman · 15/12/2011 08:15

I am surprised that Christmas and holidays weren't thrashed out when the Contact agreement was drawn up, tbh. Most couples in that situation either split the day or agree to have the child for Christmas alternate years. It seems from your OP that they have a non legal verbal agreement between them? There is nothing to stop your friend seeking legal advice about this issue if she feels strongly enough about it. It's negligible whether there would be any resolution this year, given how late in the day it is, but subsequent Christmases can be organised more fairly

hairytaleofnewyork · 15/12/2011 08:17

My view I that it is sad that two parents if a child can't compromise and share contact over Xmas., sonthat the child gets to spend time with both parents.

But if that is the agreement, and they didn't make provision for xmasses and other special occasions then that's that and the family is stuck with it if they can't work together to compromise.

Your presumption he'd prefer to be with his mum IMHO is silly.

I don't think the child's age makes any difference at all in this set up.

aldiwhore · 15/12/2011 08:20

That's the way things fall sometimes, although it would be NICE to come to a compromise for Christmas its not a right really.

I can only imagine what I'd do as I've not been in that situation (and I understand imagining something is very different from doing!!) and I'd probably accept it for what it was, but have a Christmas with my child on Boxing Day and the day after. I'd hope my ex would do the same. Purely hypothetical opinion there of course.

The reality would most likely be different!

UnexpectedOrangeInMyStocking · 15/12/2011 08:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SantasENormaSnob · 15/12/2011 08:25

After this year Christmas won't fall on a weekend again for a while.

If he refuses to negotiate then neither should she when it's in her favour.

Shame for the child though.

Original poster
mrsscoob · 15/12/2011 08:26

Thankyou for your opinions. Yes I too think it is very sad that they can't come to an agreement. There is a court date for a proper access arrangement coming up so hopefully next year they will have a proper legal agreement in place. Obviously I have only heard her side of the story but she is my friend and I feel sorry for her.

OP posts:
Wongamum · 15/12/2011 08:35

What would the child like to do?

IDontThinkSoDoYOU · 15/12/2011 08:40

I have been to court over this very issue. I did not want to share access on Christmas day as I have another child not included in any access arrangements and did not think it was fair or kind for the siblings to be separated over Christmas. I lost. In fact it was only a couple of days before Christmas at the time and I had to go home and tell the kids all our plans had changed and they were going somewhere else. They didn't want to go. Now they are used to going every other year and tbh it has to be this way. I have come to accept it even though it feels wrong and I am sad over it but they are not just MY chin,drew, they're also somebody else's too and they're not MORE mine than his.

I think you have to tell your friend the above and then help her get through Christmas without her kids. For years I couldn't spend it with anyone else who had children the same age as mine, it hurt so much.

Good luck to your friend, it's very painful.

IDontThinkSoDoYOU · 15/12/2011 08:41

Chin drew?! I meant children of course.

Original poster
mrsscoob · 15/12/2011 08:45

Yes Idon'tthinksso thanks and will do that. I want to support her and just agreeing with her that it is unfair isn't going to do her any good at all is it, which is what most of our other friends do. At the moment the pain of the split, as she didn't want it, is still raw which is probably making it all feel a lot worse.

OP posts:
Angelswings · 15/12/2011 08:49

She has the child more, so even if nothing is changed she has a higher % chance of having her child with her in future years

More worrying is that the parents of this poor kid can't talk to each other

Cloudbase · 15/12/2011 09:53

Is there a reason why they don't speak? Do you know why they split? Is it just pure acrimony or are there other issues?

Akiram · 15/12/2011 10:03

I woiuld suggest that she gets something sorted that regardless of whose weekend it is, when it comes to Christmas,Easter & Birthday they alternate each year.
Oh I just see that formal access arrangements will be thrashed out in the new Year.
Its a shame he is not being flexible because when it comes to your friends turn to celebrate various occasion he might wish he had been. Though if that happens I suggest she takes the moral high ground and not stop them from seeing each other.
This year will be hard for her but hopefully it will be all sorted in the New Year?

Akiram · 15/12/2011 10:05

I would also suggest to your friend that whenever her DS retuirns from his dads then they will have their very own second Christmas. What reception age child wouldn't love 2 days of recieving presents?

niceguy2 · 15/12/2011 10:07

I agree with the others. It's a shame that they can't come to some sort of compromise or just set aside their differences for a few hours on xmas day.

That said, he only has access every other weekend so whilst this one doesn't fall on her weekend. The odds are that she'll get many more xmas's than he ever will. So in that context whilst he may be sticking to the agreement now, he's only really making it harder for him in subsequent years when it's not his turn and he won't get to see his child on xmas.

JinglePosyPerkin · 15/12/2011 10:10

As others have said, your friend could start her own Christmas when her DS gets back from his dad's. That way, the DS can have a lovely extended Christmas and both parents get their special time. A 4/5 year old probably doesn't realise which day is the "right" day anyway.

hanaka88 · 15/12/2011 10:18

We always change arrangements over Xmas firstly because I'd never want Xmas morning without DS (which would happen 1 year in 7. Also because ex wants to see DS on Xmas day (if we didn't change he'd only see him 1 year in 7. So... I have DS Xmas eve, he goes to his dads for Xmas evening meal, then stays all over boxing day as he likes to take him away visiting relatives that day. It's easily sorted if you speak (and me an DS's dad do not get on at all)

spiderpig8 · 15/12/2011 10:30

i pity these poor kids getting their xmas day split in half just so that both parents get a turn.Ugh!

fedupofnamechanging · 15/12/2011 10:33

If the arrangements are likely to be renewed in the new year, then the ex will insist on alternate Christmases. He won't tolerate the wife having more holiday time with the child, than him. I think he will also want more than one night per week.

If he was the one who wanted out of the marriage (and it wasn't because of your friend behaved really badly and left him with no alternative), then it seems really unfair for him to also deprive her of her child at Christmas. (Am assuming that this is the first year since the split).

Whose idea was it to only communicate via solicitor. Long term this will not be good. If I was your friend, I would point out to ex that if he is not prepared to compromise, the time will come when he wants a favour and the answer will be no.

Akiram · 15/12/2011 10:36

Spiderpig8 I know a couple of children who live with thier mum and live within a 15min drive of their dad. They enjoy seeing both their parents on Christmas day.
It works well for the child and for the parents so why pity them?

RumourOfAHurricane · 15/12/2011 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Akiram · 15/12/2011 10:38

If I was your friend, I would point out to ex that if he is not prepared to compromise, the time will come when he wants a favour and the answer will be no.
NO! Because you are then depriving/punishing the child for the parents actions. One parent (at least) has to stand up and be decent and not play tit-for-tat despite was is thrown at them.

FoxyRoxy · 15/12/2011 10:40

spiderpig or so the dc can see both parents?

I think a formal access agreement will most likely have provisions made for Christmas and birthdays.

Since X won't budge on changing the agreement (I don't get on with XH at all and he saw DS at Xmas when he wanted to) your friend needs to either do Xmas with dc before he goes to his dad's or when he comes back.