To ask your views on Christmas parental contact

[mrsscoob]

Friend recently split with husband, they have an access agreement at the moment that ex-husband sees the child one evening a week and then has him to stay every other weekend.

His weekend this year falls at Christmas, so my friend wouldn't see her son Christmas Eve and all day Christmas Day until the evening.

She asked (through a solicitor, they don't speak) if this could be changed somewhat to accommodate both of them. He refused.

AIBU to ask your views on this as I imagine it must come up a lot. Should she just accept that its tough and thats how the weekend has fallen, personally I think it is unfair and I also would have thought her son would prefer to be with his mum, but thats just my opinion. I promise you i'm not the "friend" this is a genuine AIBU :) Child is reception age if that helps.

Akiram, if the father wants a favour in the future, it will be for his benefit, to fit in with arrangements he would like to make, not the child. Perhaps I should have qualified that and said, 'if the father wants a favour, in order to benefit himself, rather than the child'. It's not punishing/depriving the child of anything, to refuse to bend over backwards, to accommodate the wishes of someone who would not take your own feelings into consideration.

There is no reason for arrangements between parents to be discussed in front of the child. If later on, the child does become aware, I think it is good for a child to not see one parent allowing themselves to be walked all over by the other one.

I see what you mean Karma. Yes there may be times that the father wants to switch things around for his own benefit and if he is awkward now he could lose out later. Whereas a more relaxed approach can see both parents happy.I just hate the idea that any parent would put annoying or being awkward for the sake of it to their Ex over the happiness of their child.
I agree you don't have to bend over backwards, just be decent and reasonable. But once emotion gets involved people can find it hard.

We alternate Christmas, and if we can accommodate contact on the day itself we have a couple of hours with DS to open presents, and then he goes back to the other parent.

This year I have DS until Christmas eve afternoon, then he goes to his dads house, and on the day itself I will pick him up for a couple of hours and take him back.

On other occasions I have done the Christmas eve night and Christmas day, then passing over in the afternoon and him spending a few days with dad.

Next year I am intending on being away for Christmas as we have all three children, so a cottage in the highlands for a special family Christmas. But there will be Skype on the day itself and I will be as accommodating as I can to ensure he gets to spend special time with his other family at some point.

You have to compromise and you have to put the children first. Always.

I agree that no one should be arsey and awkward just for the sake of it. I hope the formal arrangements work out so everyone is as happy as it's possible to be, under the circumstances.

I'm not mad keen on splitting Christmas Day itself, particularly for younger children. The DCs get to open their presents in one place and then they're whisked off somewhere else before they get a chance to play with them.

My personal opinion is, where feasible, it works better to alternate Christmases then the other parent can have Boxing Day as "their" Christmas Day.

there really should be a special agreement for christmas, imo.

alternating is the fairest way.

after a grim christmas day without ds two years ago, we are having our christmas day on 24th. This also means we get two days of lying on the sofa eating sweets boxing days

hurrah!

Well, seeing as my DD's father sees her a couple of times a year at most, and that is only when his parents arrange it for him, when they suggested a few years ago that we alternate Christmases I said No Chance.

And I think thats fair enough tbh - if you can't be arsed with your child 99% of the year you can hardly expect to get 50% of the one day you feel like putting on a Santa hat and playing at being a good parent.

For parents who do have proper shared care with regular access then I do think alternating is fair though.

Pretty much what Queen said. I think alternating is probably the best option in most shared care situations, but I would not agree to alternate or shared Christmases in my children's situation as it stands. My children's father moved a significant distance away, phones once a week and hasn't seen them for over six months. They don't, imo, have two parents or two families or two homes. Their family and their home is with me and so that is where they spend special occasions. That said, if by some miracle he moved back here, took up his responsibilities and we began proper shared care, I would alternate.

me and my xh don't have a 'contact agreement' as such, when we split he saw dc's 2 evenings a week and every other weekend for 1 night, it has since changed (at his request) to every other weekend for 2 nights, and phone contact once a week. he has them 1 week in the summer holidays and xmas has always been shared (mornings with me and evening with him)

this year he has thrown a spanner in the works asking the dc's if they wanted to wake up at his for xmas (age 7 +5) so now i have had to giveu p my xmas with them as he has informed them they will be coming home boxing day, and i can't upset my dc's by changing this. However next year he can go whistle if he thinks i'm splitting xmas day again, he will get them boxing day.

In your friends case I think if he won't re-arrange she should suck it up this year, many many years will come when xmas doesn't fall on his weekend and she can refuse to rearrage so he can see the dc's that day, as he had done previously!

I don't see anything wrong with sharing Christmas Day and Boxing Day, for me it's better to share them and dd be able to see both of us, rather than having to miss out on seeing one of us each year. I had very few as a child when I stayed at home for the whole day, we always went to relatives' homes at some point so the whole family could be together, so to me Christmas doesn't mean a whole day at home.

I'd be prepared to alternate Christmas Eve too if xh were prepared to fully participate in the shared care thing, but he isn't, and I doubt whether he will ever ask to have dd then as it would involve him in spending some money on her and putting the effort in to get her a stocking.

I think in your friend's situation mrsscoob that her xh is being unreasonable and inflammatory and that's not going to help their situation at all. But I do wonder why it was necessary to have a contact agreement drawn up and they're going to court - it would only be needed if they couldn't agree. And if it were because he was wanting more contact that she would agree to, then maybe that's why he is being rigid over Christmas?

It's just a day - in grand scheme of things it is not worth heart ache and misery over. Your freind would be better spending her energy trying to make their relationship civil than fussing over a day.