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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my mother has created the perfect situation for a Christmas family row

62 replies

Winterdrawerson · 14/12/2011 20:14

I am spending Xmas with my parents for the first time since 2006 (I live abroad with DH and 3 DCs) and really made it a priority to come over at this year as my DF has not been in the best of health and I know it means a lot to them as it does to me... But...... DM then invites my sister and niece to be there when we are 20-27 Dec then Bil and his mother turn up from 23-27 Dec, so we will not get any time with just them .
Is this some ongoing form of sibling rivalry? Am I being unreasonable to want to spend time with my parents without My Dsis and her family (who I love dearly btw)Is this all part of my mum hating being an only child and always wanting a big family christmas ? Btw DH comes from a big family and finds it all too much but has agreed to these plans as I wanted to spend time with parents...

OP posts:

Catsmamma · 14/12/2011 21:16

Can you not see that you parents probably want a BIG FAMILY CHRISTMAS??

I can certainly follow their reasoning even if you cannot.

ceebie · 14/12/2011 21:17

If you want time alone with your parents, you can visit them in November, early December, January, whatever. Christmas, including the weeks before and after, is a time for ALL the family - no-one is excluded, everyone invited for as long as they want. I expect my parents house to be over-run with my siblings and their children at Christmas, even though I can only manage to visit 2-3 times per year. In fact it's great, as DD is entertained by her cousins and not nearly so much work for us. Also if DH and I want time together there are always plenty of adults around to take care of DD. YABU.

Heleninahandcart · 14/12/2011 21:21

It may be that she wants all of you there for your DF? She is probably feeling very vulnerable too and wants all her children and GC around her and her DH. I think you have to get on with it, if you keep this attitude up there will be a family row with you at the centre of it. Let it go, enjoy it for what it is. Could you come back on your own in a couple of months?

Cherriesarelovely · 14/12/2011 21:28

Sorry, can't relate to this at all OP. I would be overjoyed to see my siblings and parents all at the same time at christmas. It is fairly common for families to want to get together at this time of the year!

Cloudbase · 14/12/2011 21:28

Ok. Think your getting a slightly raw deal here, because I suspect your relationship with your parents is a subject that is quite emotional for you.

You are not BU to wish that you had a lovely cosy Christmas with just your parents and DH and kids if that is your secret dream and what you feel you need. But...it's unfortunately not what your Mum needs. She obviously sees this as a wonderful opportunity to get all her chicks and grand chicks back in the nest, and who knows? She might be secretly worrying about your Dad's health and wanting to make sure that they are able to enjoy the very best family Christmases possible with him while he is still in pretty good health. And don't underestimate how incredibly excited all your family will be to spend time with you - you are obviously really loved!

I know your expectations have been dashed a bit, so don't feel bad about feeling upset, but I bet that in the event, you will have a lovely time, re-bond with all the family and create some wonderful memories that you will all be able to treasure. If I were you, I'd dig out/buy a camcorder, charge it up and film your family all together over your lovely, warm, cosy, cheery family Christmas.

And by the way, as someone who only has a very very small family left, my memories of the large family Christmases we had as children are so treasured by me - fair enough, grieve for the Christmas that you dreamed of, and maybe try and see this as a wonderful opportunity rather than a loss

Original poster

Winterdrawerson · 14/12/2011 21:35

I want us all to be together 24,25,26 Dec - I would never ever suggest my sister couldn't be with her mother at Christmas - it is just that there is no time without them around while we are there. It is the length of time that rankles 20-27) but I am obviously being unreasonable, blinkered and mostly childish....

In any case I have to move on as what I want is not going to happen and so will enjoy what is planned. I am now enlightened and I will keep my unreasonable thoughts to myself and smile..... Bah humbug.

OP posts:

unavailable · 14/12/2011 21:50

What do you want OP?

CrapBag · 14/12/2011 21:54

YABU. Your parents aren't going to tell everyone else to keep away just because you are here, your Dsis is their DD too and they probably want a big family christmas given that you are here this year.

SarahSlaughter · 14/12/2011 22:08

OP, why don't you arrange to take your parents out for a meal (or whatever) one day. I'm sure your family would understand if you present it positively and sensitively.

mumeeee · 14/12/2011 22:09

YABU, when our chidren were younger we'd all go to My parents for Christmas well actually on boxing day, All the cousins loved getting together and sleeping in one room and I loved spending time with all my family, In fact my niece who is 27 was talking to me the other day about how good it wasm She hopes to do that with her 1 year old son as he gets older,

anothermum92 · 14/12/2011 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MabelLucyAttwell · 14/12/2011 22:15

Hasn't it occurred to you that this might be your father's last Christmas and your DM is trying to get all his children family together for the last time? It could be that you do not realise how ill he is but she knows.

Anyway, it's their house so they can invite whom they like when they like. Be prepared to muck in and do your bit without complaining.

JosieZ · 14/12/2011 23:18

Your mistake was to come over at Xmas. If you wanted time with DPs on your own you should have chosen a different time of year.

YANBU imo - having that number under one roof is non-stop cooking, food shopping and dishwashing. And tiring for poorly DF.

Pandemoniaa · 14/12/2011 23:22

Sorry to piss on your Christmas but actually YABU. All this your turn stuff is ludicrous and I'm sure the rest of your family would find it very hurtful to discover that they are surplus to your requirements.

xyfactor · 15/12/2011 01:23

The OP just got the equivalent of an internet carpet bombing by the MN formation bollocking brigade.
Whilst it was painful to watch it was justified :)
Merry christmas OP

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 15/12/2011 01:30

winterdrawerson YANBU to want some time on your own with your parents while you are there. Having everyone there for that length of time sounds like a complete nightmare.

I have no idea why everyone has got a broom up their butt about this - it's not as though you are saying you didn't want the family there for a few days or on Christmas Day.

I hope you still have a lovely time.

MrsDistinctlyMintyMonetarism · 15/12/2011 02:40

I can see both sides of this I think.

You want some time to be with your parents, reconnect as adults, recreate the relationship that changes when you are expat. (To those who have parents in the same country/timezone it just isn't the same).

Your parents want all their children together, just like it used to be. As I am sure we all hope it will be when our own children are grown.

I don't think yabu, I can understand why you feel as you do. However, it is their home and they are not being unreasonable either.

LadyMamaLard · 15/12/2011 03:38

OP I completely understand where you are coming from and have been in a similar situation many times, as am an ex-pat myself.

It is the nature of being part of a loving and close family though, that you suck it up and be grateful that you will be surrounded by people who love you at this time of year. Your sister is probably really excited about seeing you and wants to spend as much quality time with you as possible.

Have a Happy Christmas with your family - I'm not going home this year and feel envious of you !

nooka · 15/12/2011 04:00

If you and your sister get on really well why don't you ring her up and talk to her about arriving a day later? Or just about making sure there is some time for you and your parents to be together alone? Just because everyone is staying together doesn't mean that there won't be time for you and your parents to reconnect. It might be that she also has reservations about how your parents will cope with so many of you for so long.

aldiwhore · 15/12/2011 08:43

At Christmas individuals rarely get 'their turn' its about family.

You can always steal a bit of time here and there, my sister and I manage to 'help' mum about the place for some exclusive chat/cuddles/sniping.

LadyMamaLard good post!

winter YANBU, but you are a little bit!

lesley33 · 15/12/2011 09:07

I may be wrong here, but ime when people get angry about stuff like this, it is usually to do with things from their childhood. Did you as a child feel you had to fight for your turn of attention? It can mean you feel angry at stuff that everyone else thinks is reasonable, because its not really about whats happening in the hear and now. Hope you have a good xmas.

cory · 15/12/2011 09:15

Am wondering the same as lesley. Are there any special reasons why you worry that your parents won't have time for you, that you feel you have to compete for attention? Was it like this when you were a child? Will they not make time for you? How much contact do you have with them through phone/skype etc during the rest of the year?

As for this Christmas, surely there will be ways in which you can snatch moments with your mum and dad on their own? Like aldiwhore, I find helping with food preparation/housework is a great opportunity.

We will be 14 in the house for the best part of the two weeks and I know this will cause my mother to glance down the dinner table and shake her head sadly muttering "it looks so deserted". I still expect to find time to talk to her, though.

Gay40 · 15/12/2011 09:17

I don't like sharing my parents with my siblings, if I'm honest. I live miles away and they live local, however my parents make a big song and dance when I visit which doesn't help the family dynamic.
This sounds worse than it actually is (and makes me sound more spoilt than I really am) but I can see the OP's point entirely.

exoticfruits · 15/12/2011 09:30

How strange! My DS is abroad and I assume that when he comes home he wants to see everyone!
It is an attitude that I just can't understand. I never feel the need to have my parents to myself, it seems very possessive. I can only think there must be childhood jealousies lurking.

squeakytoy · 15/12/2011 09:36

There must be some "positives" that you can make here, rather than negatives. You can go out shopping or for lunch with just your mum and your sister, which would probably be nice for all three of you.

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