Regards of contact with father

[EllenandBump]

Although his father has not been incontact since i left him because he was abusive i have a feeling that he will be wanting contact with our son.

However, i have decided that okay, he is of course able to have contact with his son, but i have aslso decided that although he can have contact with our son, he willl NEVER EVER have any contact or see me. I understand he ahs a legal right to our son, but not to me.

Is it so unreasonable that i would never want to see him again, or should i for the sake of my son? Our son is 18months old, so doesnt really understand the difference. x

I think you sound pretty reasonable and fair.
You will allow you son to have contact with his father, but you don't wish to be involved, so are there family members (of yours or his) who can be present to do handovers? Or if you think supervised access is best to start with, maybe asking a relative to be present during their time together or even find out if there is a contact centre near you.

Not unreasonable at all that you never want to see him again, and if you can arrange it so that drop offs and pick ups between your DS and his dad don't involve you that would be fine I think. If he was abusive would contact be supervised anyway?

I had to take this stance because of abuse that I was receiving from ExP. I refused to see him, but Cafcass took the view that parents should be civil and respectful towards one another "for the sake of the child" Well, they didn't have to put up with ExP's attitude, so I ignored that and haven't seen ExP for donkeys years now

Set your own rules and protect yourself. Kids don't always come first and at least your son will be seeing his father.

Just to clarify, he was abusive to you? And not your son?

I don't think you ought to decide anything just yet.

He may never get in touch. He may get in touch out of guilt, and be happy enough if you are civil and tell him you're grateful that he stepped back and allowed you to bring up his child without any hassle or disagreements getting in the way.

He may suddenly decide that he wants access to your child, but this is by no means certain.

It is a good sign (if you are happier not having contact) that he has not been in touch since leaving. (was this a good while ago?)

I could have written your post a few years ago, and ds's father has not tried to become involved, in fact we've seen him a couple of times in passing, by mistake, all civil, both of us stayed well within our own boundaries so it was alright.

Try not to worry. It's very empowering to realise that no one can force you to see this person again, even if he can see your child, however you might find you wish to be present if he does see your child. Or want a member of your family to be there to make sure nothing goes on that you wouldn't want.

He was very abusive to me, he even stabbed me in the thigh, and no he has never been abusive to my son, but i wouldnt trust him not to be especially if he has been drinking or taking drugs. He always is calling me names, like whore slag etc, so that is hardly being "respectful" i think its best to keep our distance. His mum lives in margate, me in london and him in northampton, so no one i can really leave him with to pick up from or hand him over? could i use a contact centre?

Come on Ellen are you on a windup? He's stabbed you, he is a drunk and a druggie. You dont give someone who has stabbed you contact your child you tell them to take a running jump.

Wake up if he can stab you he can hurt your child,until he gets clean he is a danger to both of you it's only a matter of time before he hurts his child.

You are too scared to see him but you'll let him have a defenceless child who can't run, can't phone 999. What sort of a mother are you? Protect your child, he doesn't have anyone else.

If he stabbed you I would be going through solicitors and letting a court decide what is appropriate - no contact/supervised contact. You cannot leave him alone with your child. If he is such a shit though he probably won't bother taking you to court so I wouldn't worry - just take care of yourself and your child and don't let him know where you live.

Thank you, thats why i dont want him to see him unless its supervised. I wont see him cos he'd just do it to me instead. Surely i could use a contact centre? I have grounds to dont i? I am really unsure how all this works. The problem is i have PND and i am worried he will use this against me. I also have a strange feeling that his mum might try for custody on the grounds that neither of us are fit enough to look after our son! I love my son and would never let anything bad happen, i just dont want to be told i am a bad mother for not letting my son to see his dad. He is quite okay without the drugs and drink to most people, but was always abusive towards me whether drunk or not. x

Ellen why do you want contact at all?

To use a contact centre you need a referral from a solicitor. There are very few contact centres though and you may have to travel quite far to get to one.

I will never let him know where i live, unfortunatly i am staying at mums until either i find myself somewhere to live or the council houses me, which i am working really hard on both, and he happens to know where my mum lives, because she has lived her all her life, so had come round here long before we married. x

I DONT WANT contact, just want the best for my son, not sure what to do about it, its so confusing. I wish i could just cut him out of our lives with no thought he may wwant to come back into them.

Don't use a contact centre, they use it as a stepping stone with a time frame usually of six months before he gets unsupervised. If you give him contact you are putting your child at risk. If you voluntarily give him contact the courts will think you think he is safe with the child.

Tell him to do one, if you let you son see his father then you are a bad mother. Two children a week are killed by their parents or carers.

He hasn't asked for contact when he does tell him to fook off and come back when he can supply and drink and drugs free test then see him disappear.

Don't believe the hype that it is bad to prevent contact to all fathers, it is desperately disgusting to prevent contact with good and loving fathers, and I'll metaphorically give those posters a good lashing.

YOu are not in that category you have a lunatic for a father to your child.

Protect your child nothing else matters, if he comes for contact tell him to sling his hook, if he sees a solicitor then you'll have a battle on your hands but your focus has tobe to keep him away from the child until he is drug and drink free.

Re housing have you tried contacting woman's aid? I think a shelter sounds suitable for your situation. They would be able to advise re contact as well.

I DONT WANT contact, just want the best for my son, not sure what to do about it, its so confusing. I wish i could just cut him out of our lives with no thought he may wwant to come back into them.

There you go you know the solution. Go with your gut.

How often is he contacting you and how?

I have been offered a place at a refuge, but was told it was a tiny room, and have the local polices backing and this address i am at is listed as a priority response, so the police are aware, so it was best intrest to stay at mums, where we are looked after and feel relativly safe, considering all thats happened. I want my son to have everything as normal as possible until we find somewhere permanent to live.

I just dont want to be judged as a bad mother or harm his development in any way. I dont plan on bringing any one else into his life, ie another partner for a long time cos my mum never did (no ones fault, my dad passed away when i was 15months old of cancer) and i therefore felt like i grew up as normally as could be expected, and what do i tell him when he starts asking about daddy when he gets older?

i dont want him to hate me for stopping him from seeing his dad!

If you had taken the refuge then you would have had official homeless status and have been rehoused v quickly

As it is, you are at your mums and no longer seen as a priority case. Shame you did that

Yes I understand, it's very very hard to move on knowing that at any point, your abuser could come back onto the scene and bring with him some kind of power to see your son.

That is an awful way to feel and I sympathise. In some ways it becomes so much easier as your child grows and you don't see his father from day to day. The more time passes the better and safer you feel. I know that.

Your son is still very little. The fact that you stood up to and left this abusive man means that there is less of a chance he will try and make contact with you - he knows you won't be beaten that easily. You've proved you have self respect and bullies don't choose victims who have self respect. not when they could choose someone without any.

I think a solicitor would be a good step - to find out your rights, your options, what to do if he does turn up one day. just so you have a bit of a plan, and someone on your side.
You ought to get legal aid for a consultation on this, it's what I did and it made me feel better.

I didn't tell mine where we moved to either, but then the phone company mistakenly published our details in the phone book when we had always been ex directory - we got compensation - and he found us that way. But he hasn't been round. Just a card that year and I got a mutual friend to tell him it had freaked me out, and please not to do it again. He hasn't.

I don't think you owe your son contact with this man until your son is much, much older and able fully to understand what the story is. I am thinking early teens at the soonest. You certainly owe your ex nothing, not to see or be with his child.

Speak to Womens Aid for advice. They are great, can even get you free legal advice too. And go from there regarding protecting your own and your child's future from this man. He sounds a coward, most likely lazily blaming you for being an evil witch, to all and sundry - well as long as he stays away it doesn't matter.

I think it sounds alright at your Mum's. Abusive and cowardly men are often quite meek when they realise their ex partner/wife has family support and backup around all the time.

My folks were great and basically told him where to get off, and he did. So I think you're probably going to be ok there for the time being

You sound like you feel worried you should be enabling access for your son's sake. No, you would be opening a huge can of worms to do that. No child should be handed over to a person who treates his primary carer (you) in such an appalling way.

I'm not talking about men who have been unfaithful and gone off to live with the other woman, that sort of thing - though it's not ideal - but men who habitually abuse substances and their child's mother are not going to be a useful part of the child's life. Your son will sense you are afraid of and upset by this man and will want nothing to do with him.

You need to keep your son well away from him. He will potentially make both your lives miserable if allowed a step in the door. So try to fake it, appear strong, confident, build your life without reference to him.

Your son will thank you for that, he really will. A child more than anything needs One Stable Parent. That's all. second stable parent is a bonus, but one will do.
A frightened, unhappy, scared parent is not any good to him, so you do whatever it takes to remain stable and calm and happy enough. He will be fine without the sort of father you're describing.

I have been told by a housing specialist as long as my mum states that i cannot live here, i am still technically homeless and should be housed, i had read a bit about it online etc, but to be told by someone legally qualified that by the sounds of it they have a legal obligation to house me it was a welcome relief, especially as they hadnt even put me on the register at all. The specialist solicitors are now writing a letter as a formal homeless application outlining all the reasons why i meet all 5 points of the homeless criteria and there duty to help me, which is of course fantastic! i was very pleased to hear that from them, so housing seems covered. I have decided to rely solely on mobiles so that i dont have to worry about being ex directory, and he doesnt even know i now have a mobile as he sold mine, no big deal now (*my htc desire s that is). But a good thing cos he doesnt know i have a phone and wouldnt expect me to have the money to replace it, which i dont, it was my sisters partners old one and he gave it to me as he has just renewed his contract and got a new phone with it, so all the well and good.

Thank you for your support, its hard being an only parent, and the situation i am in doesnt make it easy at all. My friend emma is a single parent too, but she doesnt go through any of this as they just drifted apart and are still (in her words) "like best friends", so there is no problem, they talk most days and he sees his little girl whenever he can get the time off from work to do so and at least once a week. If only all of our lives were that simple.

Is there any chance my MIL could get custody, i was really bad with PND but i am now coping okay?

MIL isn't going to get custody because you had PND so long as you didnt harm the child which most with PND dont. SHe hasn't even applied andit sounds as if the PND as passed. Don't worry.

Its now controlled with anti depressants, but i am not sleeping very well, (not a sign of pnd this time though me thinks, i think its stress).

THANK YOU EVERYONE!

So what happened to your tenancy in Northampton?

Apparently, by law i am not required to return there because it is unreasonable for me to do so, i however am not allowed to give up that tenancy until i have a new one! SO all is well that ends wellish (hopefully they will pull their finger out) apparently they hadnt even taken a formal homeless application or anything or so it seems, they were just trying to defer me to another council so they didnt have to bother, apparently its very common. I am trying to save a deposit, but what with christmas etc and only 67.50 a week to live on, still no Child benefit or child tax credits yet, its not easy, mums skint. Again. Looking on the up though, i think. Have to wait and see again. I am glad i got a specialist housing solicitor involved through shelter. xx