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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DH's sister to come and stay EVRY TIME his parents do?

58 replies

LotusPalm · 14/12/2011 08:35

I suspect the answer to this is yes, but...

I have a wonderful DH, who is great around the home with housework and DS. DS is 19 months.

I used to have a good relationship with MiL, before i got pregnant and then it all got weird! She treats me like her daughter, but without any of the history and honesty that that relationship shoud come with. She patted my bump when i was 36 weeks pregnant and told me that this was 'our baby' and so was different to all the other babies that she sees around the place. Since then, she has been desperate to get her hands of DS and (in DH's words) wear him like a hat... She inadvertantly criticises everything that i do with him, and tells endless stories about how perfect her 2 children were when they were small - there were never any tantrums, never any sibling rivalry (22 months apart), babies potty trained themselves, all of childhood was sunny and full of flowers. She complains that she deoesn't have a relationship with DS, but whenever they come and visit she sits in the living room and reads the paper, or tries to get DS to play with the games she wants to play with. Her and FiL are still in their pjs at 10am, and seem horrified by us hussling them out of the house so that we can do something (anything) before we get to the whole meal time / lunchtime sleep routine...

Anyway. They live up north and they come down and stay about 5 / 6 times a year. I find these stays fairly hellish, but just get on with it, because what can you do? And pretty much everytime they visit, SiL comes and stays as well. She lives about an hour away from us, and i like her very much, but dont see why I have to have MiL's whole family in my house every time they come and stay. SiL has no significant other, is 36 and is unlikely to have children...

I have spoken to DH about this, and he has agreed that we can and will see them both seperately as i feel very excluded during these visits. Plus MiL is constantly backed up by everyone and i have to stand on my own against her if i do something that she doesn't agree with.

Anyway, Christams is coming and PiL are going to stay with SiL for xmas day in London. Then they are coming to us on Boxing day. i have said to MiL that she is more than welcome to come for Boxing day and stay the night, but that PiL and us have been invited to my parents for lunch on the 27th. Last night, MiL phoned, and then DH came and asked if SiL could come to lunch as well. This would mean that the 24 hours of DH's family in the house, suddenly has been stretched out until SiL will have been in the house for pretty much the entire stay (PiL are leaving at lunchtime on the 28th).

I just feel like this is another bloody example of MiL not respecting my boundaries and stretching things to suit her. And i'm really quite angry about it.

but then i have lovely DH, and he wants to spend time with his family, but he doesn't want me to be upset so is torn down the middle, and i feel really sad about that.

Am i being unreasonable to want SiL to leave before lunch on the 27th?

Good lord - apologies for the long post!

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 14/12/2011 10:07

It isnt as though the parents are bringing a friend or a stranger along with them though. This is their daughter. OPs husbands sister, and the auntie to the baby too, so a close family member.

If it was a weekly thing, then fair enough it might get a bit much, but once every couple of months isnt that often really, and as OP says she likes her SIL very much and gets on with her well, then she is the best person to use as an ally if MIL is getting annoying or overbearing.

Original poster
LotusPalm · 14/12/2011 10:07

squeaky - MiL issues are an entirely different thread, and not soemthing i want to get into. A lot of it is very stereotypical MiL stuff and i dont think very easily explained in writing. It's quite subjective, and very difficutl to explain how i feel utterly undermined, overlooked and smothered!

Maybe it's just me then! I just dont see why they have to always enjoy each other company in our house. Why cant she / they enjoy each other in their own houses? DH or our family is never invited up to their place, or to see them in London when they visit (which would be prefereable to me from time to time) but SiL is de facto invited if they come to us.

On our rare visits to them, we are expected to fall in with their plans all the time, down to taking DS out to dinner with us at 8pm (DS sleeps only in a cot, and bedtime is around 6.30pm - they know this). But equally, they do what they want when they are with us, even when we have said what we have planned for the next day (a walk, or a visit to see something) and we need to leave at x time and they are never ready, so i end up having to stay behind because they only sort themselves about an hour later, and 5 minutes before DS is supposed to eat or sleep or something.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 14/12/2011 10:10

But your issues do seem to be about your MIL. She is the one who you have the problems with. If SIL was not there, I would have thought you would find your MIL even more hard work. SIL should be your support.

QuintessentiallyFestive · 14/12/2011 10:10

It looks like you need to set some strategies with your husband.

If they are not ready when you are about to leave, then you, and dh and dc leaves, and they join you when they are ready. You get to the restaurant, you order, and you eat, and they order and eat when they get there. If then you need to take dc home for a nap, you do! Then you have the added bonus of alone time with your dh and dc, and you can make your excuses and take dc home alone when it is time!

You need strategies!! And you need your dh on board. But you also need to use some cunning to get him on board, and make him see how your new solutions are best for everybody...

QuintessentiallyFestive · 14/12/2011 10:12

I dont think it works like that squeeky, I get the impression that the entire family jump when mil says "jump". And she says in her op that everybody "gangs" up on her rather than support her when they are all there. So, she is not getting support from her sil, MIL is getting support from everybody.

So, the real problem is that Lotus is married to a weak man who cant stand up to his mother and support his wife.

Original poster
LotusPalm · 14/12/2011 10:29

Quint - essentially right! DH and I are talking about it, and working on how best to move forward. DH's natural inclination with all things is to smooth things over, but in smoothing over, he is supporting miL and not me. And he loathes conflict.

The problem is, MiL says jump so quietly that none of the family hear it. Or they do, but its easier to go along with it, otherwise she gets hurt and wronged very easily. She's by no means an ogre, but i cant deal with passive agressive shite. The fact that i'm married to one is another point.

Suffice it to say, DH and are have been going through a bit of a bad patch, but we're getting there (birth of first child, moving house all within a year of marriage!) and a lot of this is set off by DH's massive desire to please everybody, but not himself and the fall out from that. Fight, flight or freeze and DH will freeze. So MiL issues have all been thrown into sharp relief.

Tis easy to get on with soemone when there are no points of contention, and where we were more than happy to fit in with whatever they wanted to do, becasue we had no ties adn no responsibilities. PiL expect everything to continue as before children, and cant understand why we cant wait until 10am to have breakfast without a very active toddler kicking off!

OP posts:
QuintessentiallyFestive · 14/12/2011 10:44

You need to live by example. Get up early, have breakfast, go out. If they want to sleep in and make their own breakfast, fine.

I hope you are not cooking their breakfast?

Tell them "Do as you are at home, get breakfast when convenient!"

I cannot believe that you are literally entertaining them 6 times per year!

Original poster
LotusPalm · 14/12/2011 10:50

Is that a lot? I'm made to feel that it isn't enough, and i am keeping them from their grandchild!

We get up when DS does (not very early), have breakfast and then hang about mainly... Have talked to DH and said we should do what you have said next time (are you sure you're not my sister!) and he has agreed in principle. In practice i know that he'll still hussle them and give them the opportunity to do it to their time frame!

No! We dont cook our own breakfast! We do cook them lunch and dinner though obviously, but miL hangs around my shoulder commenting on everything we do. Drives me nuts... But then will be sure to say how nice it is, not that they usually eat food like that, but it is nice.

Anyway!

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 14/12/2011 10:56

I certainly wouldnt be cooking twice a day. Lunch doesnt need to be a cooked meal... a quick sandwich , or if you are going out somewhere, grab a snack while you are out.

Dont let her hang round your shoulder whil you are cooking either.. just ban everyone from the kitchen. Plonk your son on her knee and ask her to entertain him while you get on with cooking.

OldeChestnut · 14/12/2011 10:59

She isolates me by 'amking' DH her son, adn not respecting him as a husband and a father. And becasue Dh is a MASSIVE people pleaser, he goes along with it becasue its easier, and because he's had 34 years of intensive training..

wow you have a lot of issues going on there love. Maybe you need some professional help?

QuintessentiallyFestive · 14/12/2011 11:03

Ah, the art of handling the mother in law.

Send the grandchild in to wake them up, enlist granny in playing and nappy changing while you cook.

Just be breezy, "Deirdre, would you mind change that nappy, it is such a nice bonding experience" and SMILE.

When she uhms over your cooking, flash her a bright smile and ask

"Deirdre, what was my husbands favourite dish when he was a child, he talks about your cooking, you know"

When she replies, for example Steak and Kidney Pie,
you get a bright idea and say
"You know what Deirdre, he would just love it if you would cook that tomorrow. I dont mind, honestly, I would be my pleasure to have you cook in my kitchen. He will be so pleased to taste mums cooking again".

etc
etc

you get my drift.

squeakytoy · 14/12/2011 11:09

Another option is, when you know they are coming, prepare in advance, so that all you need to do is take something out of the freezer, put in the oven and bung some veg in a pan. No need to spend more than ten minutes in the kitchen.

As for going out/eating out. Toddlers dont need to be in a rigid routine. Sticking to a routine makes it very difficult when you really have no choice at all but to break that routine, so allowing to vary it a bit does no harm to your child at all.

Original poster
LotusPalm · 14/12/2011 11:11

Olde - it's in hand! And he is, and we are. And we'll get there!

But its difficult.

I've lost all ability to be natural with them as well, so everything i say comes across as forced. Or bolshy! I am no means a push over, and MiL knows things aren't OK. But she can continue to pretend that they are. I just really hate being tagged as the bad guy

Which is where this whole post came from in the first place. I constantly feel like i'm pushed into corners because we will set boundaries and then they will be tested, and i'll stick by them, but feel bad for DH, and want to make him happy.

And he wants me to be happy, which is why we've ended up in this stupid position in the first place!

bugger it. I reckon we should just emigrate. But as my Dsis said, we'd end up having them for a month at a time then!

OP posts:
Laquitar · 14/12/2011 11:13

I don't see the issues tbh, they haven't done anything bad to you.

They want to see their son, dil and grandson, this is not a crime. They wear pjs till 10am, my parents and Pil do the same, infact i do too if i'm not working.

As for sil, she might have babies. I started at 38. But then i imagine when she does you will be annoyed again...

Original poster
LotusPalm · 14/12/2011 11:15

squeaky - i work 4 days a week, DH works full time, we also have a toddler to look after so i have 2 afternoons off with him and catch up with work in the evenings. There is no time to do any of that, and feed us all, and keep the house in some semblance of order!

And try telling that to DS! He is a very happy, very secure little boy. He is social and outgoing and happy to engage with anyone. The odd break from routine is fine, as we can get him back on track easily. But much more than a day, he turns into a horror - clingy, tantrummy and difficult. I do what works best for him, and that means a routine where he knows what is coming next.

Eating out is fine, but not hours after he needs to eat, or be in bed!

OP posts:
Laquitar · 14/12/2011 11:16

What 'boundaries' and why?

Original poster
LotusPalm · 14/12/2011 11:17

laquitur - i pray every day that she has babies!

You're really lucky - you obviously have a good relationship with your mother-in-law. Congratulations.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 14/12/2011 11:19

Aw come on, of course there is time to do it. It doesnt take that long to make a stew, or a shepherds pie. If you are doing it for yourselves one night, just make treble...

You seem to pander way too much to your toddler and worry too much as well.

Going out for a meal in the evening, either get a babysitter (or ask SIL to do it!!)... and leave him in bed, or take him with you and let him sleep in the buggy.. that is what you would do if you went on holiday isnt it?

Laquitar · 14/12/2011 11:21

Thank you Hmm. You are lucky too, shame you cannot see it.

PenguinArmy · 14/12/2011 11:26

Passive aggressive shit - it's so hard to verbalise why it's upsets you so much isn't it and how much of a black cloud it hangs over you? All the having to pretend a certain situation is happening drives me bonkers as like you OP I'm from a very direct family. Then you feel paranoid that everything that annoys you makes you sound like a whiny cow.

I've come to think of it when you have a guest to stay you'll invite them to 'help themselves' to food etc. but don't expect them to eat everything. Somewhere a line clearly got crossed, but you're stuck with the fact you said 'help your self'

Nothing to add really but thought a voice of sympathy can never hurt.

squeakytoy · 14/12/2011 11:28

I feel that the passive aggressiveness is coming more from the OP than the MIL.. Confused

FetchezLaVache · 14/12/2011 11:29

I was going to make the same suggestion as QF, as you get on well with SIL- ring her and ask her what she wants to do. If she doesn't want to but is only going along with it under duress, you and she could cook up an excuse to get her out of it. It isn't terribly mature I appreciate, but I suspect knowing that the two of you were plotting behind MIL's back would be most satisfying!

SenoritaViva · 14/12/2011 11:29

Can you not buy a ridiculously enormous Christmas tree (and some other Christmas tat) and say there won't really be room for the sister in law to sleep in the living room at this time of year?

diddl · 14/12/2011 11:33

If anyone is being asked-shouldn´t it be OPs parents as they are the ones who have issued the invitation?

It´s sad for her that she´s on her own-although she won´t be for Christmas Day & Boxing Day.

I´m afraid that at 36, her parents shouldn´t be asking if she can come too!

boschy · 14/12/2011 11:37

I think poor OP is getting a fair bit of passive aggressive shit from other posters tbh. "pandering to her toddler" my arse! she's already said the odd break from routine is one thing, but when she's in her own home why shouldnt the little boy have the security of his routine? makes all their lives easier imo.

I would uninvite both inlaws and SIL from lunch at your parents - on grounds of long-lost cousins appearing from Timbuktu maybe? and then suggest that they have a nice day out on their own and perhaps even bugger off to their own homes the same day thus leaving you and DH and DS a bit of clear space.

Then while she's staying with you, either involve her in everything so she has to do some work, or invent a reason why you have to be out of the house at least every other day - dropping in on a sick friend, whatever, just give yourself some breathing space so you get through christmas.