to not want DH's sister to come and stay EVRY TIME his parents do?

[LotusPalm]

I suspect the answer to this is yes, but...

I have a wonderful DH, who is great around the home with housework and DS. DS is 19 months.

I used to have a good relationship with MiL, before i got pregnant and then it all got weird! She treats me like her daughter, but without any of the history and honesty that that relationship shoud come with. She patted my bump when i was 36 weeks pregnant and told me that this was 'our baby' and so was different to all the other babies that she sees around the place. Since then, she has been desperate to get her hands of DS and (in DH's words) wear him like a hat... She inadvertantly criticises everything that i do with him, and tells endless stories about how perfect her 2 children were when they were small - there were never any tantrums, never any sibling rivalry (22 months apart), babies potty trained themselves, all of childhood was sunny and full of flowers. She complains that she deoesn't have a relationship with DS, but whenever they come and visit she sits in the living room and reads the paper, or tries to get DS to play with the games she wants to play with. Her and FiL are still in their pjs at 10am, and seem horrified by us hussling them out of the house so that we can do something (anything) before we get to the whole meal time / lunchtime sleep routine...

Anyway. They live up north and they come down and stay about 5 / 6 times a year. I find these stays fairly hellish, but just get on with it, because what can you do? And pretty much everytime they visit, SiL comes and stays as well. She lives about an hour away from us, and i like her very much, but dont see why I have to have MiL's whole family in my house every time they come and stay. SiL has no significant other, is 36 and is unlikely to have children...

I have spoken to DH about this, and he has agreed that we can and will see them both seperately as i feel very excluded during these visits. Plus MiL is constantly backed up by everyone and i have to stand on my own against her if i do something that she doesn't agree with.

Anyway, Christams is coming and PiL are going to stay with SiL for xmas day in London. Then they are coming to us on Boxing day. i have said to MiL that she is more than welcome to come for Boxing day and stay the night, but that PiL and us have been invited to my parents for lunch on the 27th. Last night, MiL phoned, and then DH came and asked if SiL could come to lunch as well. This would mean that the 24 hours of DH's family in the house, suddenly has been stretched out until SiL will have been in the house for pretty much the entire stay (PiL are leaving at lunchtime on the 28th).

I just feel like this is another bloody example of MiL not respecting my boundaries and stretching things to suit her. And i'm really quite angry about it.

but then i have lovely DH, and he wants to spend time with his family, but he doesn't want me to be upset so is torn down the middle, and i feel really sad about that.

Am i being unreasonable to want SiL to leave before lunch on the 27th?

Good lord - apologies for the long post!

I can´t blame SIL for taking an "easy" chance to see her parents when they are only an hour away.

But surely just a couple of hours? And there´s no need to stay over.

And perhaps sometimes when they stay with

I can understand that you're abit fed up about getting them all in one go and mil running the show. It cant be very nice for sil having no family(dh/kids) of her own and if she didnt come to yours where would she go?

Wow. So many issues in just one post.

Yes, I think yabu to not want sil there when pil visit. If I were alone and knew that my parents and brother and family were all having a jolly time an hour away I would want to go too.

I suppose technically you wouldn't be unreasonable to be firm about sil not being invited to the thing at your parents, but it would be a bit mean of you imo.

You sound very frustrated with your inlaws in general and the things you list in your OP don't sound too terrible to me. You can't change other people but you can change your reaction to them. Do you feel there is any way you could take a deep breath and decide not to let them bother you as much as they currently do?

Would you be able to say that your parents could not accommodate her? No, could you say that you think they cannot accommodate her? Has she no friends who -are willing to invite could have her? I would get fed up with never having a particular group of relatives/friends to myself without others being there.

In 4 years time, you would not be able to have your PiL involved in a surprise 40th birthday party for your SiL, would you, because she'd have to be at every meeting!!

YABU - and I dont think that the real issue is your SIL.

You have issues which may be valid with your MIL but you have not given any reason at all why you do not want SIL to come other than things to do with your MIL.

TBH I think you are being horribly mean spirited.

And you should stop making your DH feel like that - deal with your issues with your MIL and stop being so childish. You have no right to isolate him from his family.

Oh, there are maany issues here - i know! And i know a lot of it is my reaction to MiL which only i can change. But goddammit, is it too much to ask that she actually has some sodding respect?

Anyway, PiL are having Christmas at SiL - going down on friday and then coming to us on the monday. So i am not keeping her alone over Christmas. And of course wouldn't want her to spend boxong day alone either. But its the pushing the boundaries that bothers me.

Plus, I know SiL quite well, and she'll probably quite appreciate having some time on her own before going back to work on Tuesday - but wouldn't tell MiL that. She finds them very frustrating too. Also dont think she would relish the lunch at my parents - its hardly going to be a merry old time!

Mabel - i like your thinking!

peach - no the issue isn't my SiL. Its the fact that i have to have the whole family come and stay every single time we invite his parents!

We also have SiL come and stay on her own, and thats lovely. When i invite her. DH is a bit rubbish at that kind of thing, and no, before anyone says aything, it is not becasue i will say no! SiL is lovely and a pleasure to have around.

BUT when PiL are around then it's pretty horrible. MiL treats the house like her own,a nd that i am an outsider, adn not included in anything. Thats really what i want to avoid.

Any suggestions on how i can deal with the issues thati have with my mil would be appreciated if you think i am being childish. I have a very straightforward and honest family, adn we would just talk about stuff liek this. You cant with PiL - they are heads in the sand type peple, and i dont think that it would actaully make the slightest bit of difference.

DH is more than welcome to go and visit PiL whenever he likes! And they visit SiL fairly regualrly in london, but never let him know until after they have been...

Do we share a MIL? She sounds just like mine!

WRT your SIL it is rude of your MIL to invite your SIL to your parents' house like that so YANBU about that.

I do think YABU about your SIL staying when your inlaws are there, as surely this has so many positives. You get a family visit out the way in a single hit, for one. There are 3 potential babysitters available so you and DH and bugger off out. And personally when my MIL starts on about how perfect her 2 DC were as children my SIL helpfully points out all the truly fucked up stuff they got up to (and there is some really bad stuff!) and makes me feel a bit better and MIL ever so slightly less smug win win situation all round!

You see I'm in almost identical circumstances, same age SIL who has no partner or children. I wish she came with the PIL though because then I'd get them all out of the way in one go , instead I get PIL every 2 months, and SIL every 2 months but out of sync... Which means I have an in law in my house 4 days of every single month... PIL are good and check it's convenient, no fuss, play with DS... SIL is very hard work! . Our weekends are precious and I seem to be permanently entertaining, cleaning for, feeding DH's family.

I do feel sorry for my SIL because I don't think her life turned out the way she had planned. But...

santa - if only it was actually liek that! When we see SiL on her own, thats what we get, but they never say anything in front of MiL. There are just subjects that are not discussed. Dont think it healps that PiL are born again Evangelicals, and both kids have moved away from the faith.

DH's family is all about keeping things under cover, and below the surface! Where both my parents are psychotherapists and its all about dealing with conflict and moving on. Never the twain shall meet i fear!

Adverse - this is exactly it! By havign the whole family around her, she recreates her own home and is in her comfort zone completely. She isolates me by 'amking' DH her son, adn not respecting him as a husband and a father. And becasue Dh is a MASSIVE people pleaser, he goes along with it becasue its easier, and because he's had 34 years of intensive training..

Ok, cards on table - I am single with no kids so could be your SIL (I'm not!).

I would wage that she doesn't want to come to yours every time your PIL's rock up. I bet her Mum puts the guilts on her.
Afterall, she sounds like the sort of DM that comes easily to.

BTW, Crosshair, it could be her choice not to have a DH/DC.

apologies for the terrible typo's.. Typing in a hurry as at work!

You know all the background to your relationship with MIL. If you had a good relationship before you were pregnant then it seems to me that it is not too late for you to have a good relationship again - your DS is only 19 months.

Why don't you just tell her how you feel? It might be that she is genuinely trying to help now you have a DS eg. treats the house like her own = does not want you to spend time running after her. I know you say that you don't think it would make any difference but you have not tried. Either way, if you had a good relationship before there would not seem to be any reason why she would not want to continue that good relationship IYSWIM. If she oversteps boundaries then tell her/get DH to tell her. If you stand your ground on the important stuff and try not to nit pick then I think things will improve.

It's your choice - it will be hard and uncomfortable but if you do not raise this with her and try your hardest to deal with it the alternative is to spend the rest of your or her life feeling like this.

You don't say that your MIL is worse when SIL is there or anything - just that SIL is a pleasure to have around. So in the meantime (I don't think Christmas is the right time to bring it up) go with the flow.

I think YABU too. She's 36 and as you say is unmarried and not likely to have kids...accept her as part of your family. It can be lonely being the "Maiden Aunt" the one withot a family...(though he actually has plenty of time to have DC so not sure why you think it unlikely) and if your SIL is wanting to be part of the joy of family celebrations then you are mean not to let her.

I know it's a pain...but she's your DHs sister...they grew up together and if it were your sibling you would not exclude her. In the UK we're crap at the extended familything....I would love my siblings to come and see us more....to eat together etc...butthey dont seem bothered...it's nice fo DC to grow up around extended family.

If you like your SIL and get on with her (and she is aware of what a PITA her mum can be) why not give SIL a ring and have a chat with her? Maybe between you you can come up with reasons for SIL to get out of going to your parents, as you say you think she would actually prefer some time alone.

Next time your PIL are coming over, suggest that you're going to be a bit busy Saturday/Sunday afternoon "so why don't you have a nice afternoon over with SIL?" Even better if you can have something going on which means there will be limited space for SIL to sleep at your house.

You'll need an excuse the first few times, but try to get them into the habbit of going to see her at her own place when they come to you for the weekend.

All our family live near each other, but we'd never dream of making people host others for us, we just set up a plan of who we will see when we go up.

I was going to suggest getting your DH to sort it out, but your later postings make it clear that that is just not going to happen. And I'd imagine that your SIL suffered the same intensive training that your DH did, so you can't enlist her help either.

So that just leaves doing it yourself, and probably starting an argument with them as a consequence. Whether you want to do that or not, I don't know. Just how hellish is it when they visit? How long are the visits? Have you discussed with DH how he would feel about you reminding MIL she is a guest in YOUR house and she should behave accordingly? Or are they the type of people you could make a joke of old age making them forgetful when she talks tripe talks about how ideal her DC were (and by implication what a wonderful mother she was)?

Regardless of how good/bad your relationship is, having them to stay 5-6 times a year seems a bit much to me. I'd maybe try to steer it to them stopping off at mine for a few hours overnight on their way back home from visiting SIL, rather than a dedicated visit to mine.

peach - thanks for the message. MiL is much worse when SiL is there! Only becasue she has her 'children' around her, and treats them as such. Thats what i meant about making it her home - she doesn't clear up after herself or make themselves breakfast or anything, they expect us to do that.

Whoopsy - SiL doesn't want kids, therefore i say she wont have them. She might change her mind, but has no desire for them at present - and not covering for any hidden desire i dont think.

And i probably would exclude her if she was my sibling and it was someone else's house. My DB lives only an hour away from DH's parents and i wouldn't dream of inviting them for lunch!

But then, i have a large family, and we dont tend to impose on each other. Visits always tend to be short, and certainly aren't overnight, except to my DB who lives 5 hours away from us. It's lovely to get together, but then we also like our own space.

Weirdly, SiL used to come and stay with us when we lived in London and PiL were staying, even though we lived only about 20 minutes away from each other. i thought it a bit odd then tbh - of course we spent days together and had meals out togehter, but why stay the night? - but we didnt have kids and had the space so sort of left it to happen. Maybe it's my fault - rod for own back and all...

Hoarder - we dont really have space SiL has to sleep on a blow up mattress in the living room!

Further to above post - SiL would only stay with us only if PiL were there. When we saw her on our own - she'd come over to dinner rom time to time rather than meeting out - she would never stay as she preferred to sleep at home!

This si why i think MiL is culprit, rather than SiL...

wheer you left it - Dh does do the joke thing, but MiL brushes it off and swears blind that that is the wy it was. I've had a go at saying hindsight is a wonderful thing, and i've already forgotten what my last pregnancy was like (am currenlty 24 weeks with DS2)but it falls on comletely deaf ears, and she blithely carries on with her wonderful stories, that are always in reponse to DS doing or not doing soemthing...

But perhaps your sister in law (your husbands sister), enjoys staying over when her parents are there,and being able to spend time with all her family.

I am not really sure what your issues are with your MIL either.. she doesnt sound to have done much wrong either.

The issue isn't really this one time is it? The issue is that EVERY time you see the pil then sil comes too.

My db was like that for ages with my staying with dp. It wasn't the one time. It was that every time he then came and expected to revolve everything round him. Eventually I blew up about it, then I was being mean and excluding him . However not dp make sure he isn't staying the whole time. Which means I can actually spend some time with dp rather than watching them rushing round to make sure db's ok.

I'd just say that your parents can't really take another person in the house this time. Sorry and all that. Make sure you explain to your dp if you can so that they don't come out with "oh she'll be perfectly welcome" if they phone them, or ask them at some point.

Why dont you call your sil and ask if she really wants to come for lunch at your parents?

Tell her that she is more than welcome, and you would be pleased to have her there, but seeing as it was her mum that asked, and not her, you just wanted to check that she really wanted to go, rather than being railroaded into it by her mum? This way you would show that you care about her, and are understanding of her needs too.