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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that somebody should take my nephew to see a HV or GP? Or is it none of my business/nothing to worry about?

52 replies

BackToB4Beatrice · 13/12/2011 23:12

BIL had a son 20 months ago. Both him and the GF were teenagers, and had only been together a few weeks, after a few months together, they split, and it wasn't on the greatest of terms. The baby's mother struggled some what, being 17 and on her own and possible having undiagnosed PND (IMO, in-laws seem to think this is something that only "bad" mothers have- I know, I know!). She struggled with money, and budgeting, BIL was on the dole, we sent milk powder, clothes etc, but did not send cash, as we couldn't honestly honestly say it would of been spent where it was needed.

I actually am happy to help the baby's mother, support her, whatever. I feel she is not a bad person at all, but probably just needs a good role model, and some help- which she would not of been getting from her side of the family AT ALL.

Not sure if/how this is relevant, but thought the background may help.

DN is now 20 months. He does not say ONE word. No mum, dad, dog anything. He is very happy, smiley and cheerfull, but does not seem to NEED anyone or anything. He is no different, happy or sad, no matter who comes in or out of the room. If you take something off him that he is not supposed to have, he never tries to take it back, never seems to care. I actually cannot remember the last time I heard him cry. Certainly not since he was a newborn. He just seems to be in his own little world. He does chat too him self though. I have also just realised that I have never seen him do any kind of role play with toys (maybe he is still too young), he just bangs toys together/ on the floor.

Does anybody think there maybe something wrong? Or is it normal. Happy to answer more questions if needed.

Also there was a phase where he was being shipped about a bit. BIL didn't want him any more than two days (one over night) per fortnight. His mother did not want him all the time whilst her friends were off school/college. He spent some time at my inlaws, and although MIL has had five kids, she is very busy, works PT, very into housework etc, so I'm not sure she has really noticed?

Would like to know if you guys think there could be something wrong? Whether I should say any thing, and if so, how should I go about it? MIL already thinks I'm a bit stuck up, I'm sure, not sure how well she would take it. Also I could be worrying over nothing as DD is 2.4 and was always on the sharp end of everything developmentally (very normal- but always did everything a tad sooner), so he could be fine?

TIA

OP posts:

Fiendishlie · 13/12/2011 23:19

I know it's only my hearsay, but my ds1 did not utter one single word until he was over 3 years old. His first word was 'spaceship'. He's now studying physics at Oxford. Leave it for a while, see how it goes. Keep being supportive. Sorry about the stealth boasting.

cestlavielife · 13/12/2011 23:20

Do the CHAT checklist and encourage her to take him to hv for assessment.

But if she doesn't then it will wait til til he gets to nursery....But of course early intervention can really help.

www.autism.org.uk/working-with/health/screening-and-diagnosis/checklist-for-autism-in-toddlers-chat.aspx go thru the checklist on page two lack of role play is a big indicator

Ie play skills rather than speech per se.

But look first at what daly intervention would be available to her eg NAS early bird schemes etc

cestlavielife · 13/12/2011 23:21

Early intervention

Casmama · 13/12/2011 23:21

I'm no expert on child development but he could just be a really chilled out baby. I wouldnt have thought it was that unusual to have no words at 20 months. I would keep as close an eye as you can, maybe mention to your MIL casually that you might have expected him to have a word or two by now. Presumably she spends more time with the child than you do and I suspect it is a little unfair to say that she may not have noticed something that you have because she is very into her housework.

squeakytoy · 13/12/2011 23:25

My friends little boy is 23 months now. He has only started to talk in the last couple of months.

My granddaughter is 6, but at 20 months she barely spoke unless it was just her with her mum or dad, with anyone else she just clammed up, no matter how well she knew them.

Sillyoldelf · 13/12/2011 23:26

I am thinking along same lines as cestlavie. Am not so concerned with the speech aspect in isolation , but when that is existing alongside some of the other signs you have described then yes I do feel LO needs to be seen in the first instance by the HV.

Original poster

BackToB4Beatrice · 13/12/2011 23:30

No problems Fiend! Thanks. I'm sure you are right. But it's more the lack of character that concerns me. Maybe he is just very placid, but it's the lack of caring, and more alarmingly, crying??

Maybe mine is just spoilt!

Congrats to your DS!

OP posts:

piprobincomesbobbobbobbinalong · 13/12/2011 23:32

Perhaps you could point the mum in the direction of her local Children's Centre, especially as she may well find a group especially for young mums.

That way she would get some support and socialising, and there would be some professionals around to help her with her DS (and talk informally about development).

Robotindisguise · 13/12/2011 23:39

Too early for role play, in most cases. I'm always startled when I see children just under 2, because you forget how quickly it comes together around that time. My DD is the same age as yours.

drcrab · 13/12/2011 23:40

We know some people whose DS is the same age as our DS (3.10) and they 'grew up together' as in they were in the same nursery room together since they were 7
Months old. And we noticed a stark difference between the other child and ours. In that the other child required being moved about by the nursery workers; otherwise he wouldn't move the whole day (not due to any physical issues). He'd not cry but he'd almost be 'mute'. His parents used to say he's very quiet and chilled; when he did make a squeak, they'd comment that he was being noisy or making a fuss. We thought he was just too quiet. He's since developed more but we do think it's because he's had a lot of stimulation from nursery as opposed to family influence. I think there's a difference between being quiet (and focussing on some task) and being quiet (and starring into space...). Do keep a close eye. I think he's lucky he's got an aunty that's concerned.

Original poster

BackToB4Beatrice · 13/12/2011 23:43

Thankyou everyone. Like lots have said- the lack of words on their own, not such a problem, it's the things that go with it also.
He could just be very calm and placid, I agree.
Casmama, that was very badly worded on my behalf, sorry. MIL is always very busy, works alot, still has three kids at home, and would just plonk him down with some toys and carry on with her day. Totally nothing wrong with that at all, she is still looking after him, and he is safe and well cared for. However PILs are very un-pushy, so much so thar two of her kids have only been diagnosed as dyslexic as teenagers. They are very much " everyone is different, does things in their own time" which I agree with, but nit always and completely, especially when there is advantages to be gained from early intervention. They just blame his mother for not talking to him enough.

OP posts:

FairPhyllis · 14/12/2011 07:43

Does he have normal hearing? Does he babble?

I'm not a child language specialist, but from what I remember of studying child language acquisition he might just be on the very late side of normal. If he is babbling I would probably not be too alarmed yet, although I would probably get his hearing checked out or mention the other behaviours to the HV.

PieCherry · 14/12/2011 09:17

Don't they have a 2 yr check with the HV/Peadiatrician anyway? Both mine did and it was a developmental test - I remember as it resulted in my DS1 being sent for a hearing tests as he was so loud.

Nothing wrong with his hearing;)

tammygirl · 14/12/2011 10:41

I think it's nice you care enough to get involved. And early intervention can help. I think gently encourage her to take him for a proper check up.

I asked an acquaintance about her son's (3yo) eye and she was surprised, said no one have ever mentioned it. She went to gp and he ended up having mri scans for possible brain tumour. It was a big deal for them, he did have a serious medical condition needing 2 rounds of surgery and is now doing great. So not all interference is bad!

I wouldn't know about autism or odd behaviour but I do think that if you're kind and gentle, you can be helpful. If there's nothing wrong, great. If there is, he can start getting help.

dribbleface · 14/12/2011 10:57

my first thought was to get his hearing checked out. often children who connot hear well seem switched off to the world around them as they cannot make sense of it. i think it's great your involved and interested.

Oggy · 14/12/2011 11:10

Not saying a word at 20 months is not that uncommon. Not saying its common but I have a couple of friends with very happy, clever, well-ajusted children that didn't really say any distinguishable words until well past 2.

I don't think a Health Visitor would get too concerned about the talking until nearer 2 (although it is a while so I may not remember correctly).

Can't say about the other stuff - role playing etc, but if he seems happy then that's a start IMO.

Other more qualified to reply people will no doubt be more help.

saintlyjimjams · 14/12/2011 11:15

Does he point (the CHAT test checks for that)?

Yes at 20 months he should definitely be seen. Not speaking at 20 months isn't a problem, extreme passivity possibly is and no role play etc is (again CHAT test looks for that).

I'm not sure how you encourage him to be seen without being shot as the messenger though.

First Signs is a useful website (and a link to where you can do an online CHAT test).

It will be hard for the Mum to be taken seriously though as she is so young. Does she have any concerns herself? Does he attend a nursery (often a route for referral although nurseries can be bad at picking up passive children as well).

Original poster

BackToB4Beatrice · 14/12/2011 11:25

Just to answer the last few questions. He babbles away to him self totally fine.
I have thought about hearing too, so when I was round there last week I discretly dropped a big hard back book on the wood floor, and he spun round to look to where the sound came from. He also responds to his name.

It's more the lack of protest and crying, that really alarms me. I'm mean I asked DH last night if he had ever ever heard him cry/protest. He can't either, and we probably see DN once a week. He never cries because he is hungry/ not hungry, you could plonk him in his high chair any time if day and he wouldn't care.

BIL also has said, that he doesn't cry if he wakes up in the night. He is in the same room as BIL and doesn't try to wake him up. BIL has got up to use the bathroom at 3am and little DN is just sitting in his cot looking at him.

What about attachment disorders. Or am I way off with this?

OP posts:

saintlyjimjams · 14/12/2011 11:31

Unless he's been shunted from carer to carer I think an attachment disorder unlikely.

It does ring alarm bells for a developmental disorder though and really (I would say from what you've said) need to be checked.

The link I gave above has an extensive video library comparing typical with autistic behaviours in young children.

staranise · 14/12/2011 11:32

Definitely check hearing - DS3 was very quiet, no words by two (though he did babble and responded to loud noises but that doesn't mean his hearing isn't muffled). Because I had two older DCs, I thought he was developing differently, (though many many people told me it was becasue he was a third child and a boy). GP referred him to speech therapist, who helped enormously in teaching us how to play to encourage speech and stop him 'switching off' and he had grommets put in - he's so much happier and responsive now he can express what he wants. Sure Start centres often have speech therapists attached and they prioritise children of this age.

squeakytoy · 14/12/2011 11:35

My granddaughter cried at every opportunity and was a very whingy toddler, my friends little boy never cries. He is a placid child, very content and even when he falls over he gets up, looks a bit confused and then just carries on with what he is doing.

saintlyjimjams · 14/12/2011 11:39

Not crying isn't a problem. Extreme passivity (not wanting anything, not reaching for anything) can be.

valiumredhead · 14/12/2011 11:52

My sister didn't talk until she was 3 and then suddenly started speaking in sentences, so she had been taking it all in. This was in the 70's -had it happened now she would've been up at the speech therapist's faster than the speed of light

saintlyjimjams · 14/12/2011 11:53

Unfortunately not. If your child isn't speaking under the age of three it's incredibly difficult to get anyone to take you seriously even when there are glaringly obvious signs that something is up. And you may well wait a year to be seen.

Oggy · 14/12/2011 11:56

With the hearing thing, the test my friends have always used is to stand behind the child and whisper very quietly "would you like some buttons" (or whatever they really love as a treat) and you soon find out how well they can hear.

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