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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To hate being gossiped about...

69 replies

wellybobs · 13/12/2011 22:20

Mil (who I get on with normally) and my dm went to see dd's nativity play. Afterwards my dm (who is also v gossipy and who I am also annoyed with) informed me that MIL had told her that we shouldn't be keeping chickens as we live in a council house.

We bought our house at market value and have a huge mortagage. It was a council house 25 years ago. She said that there is vermin all over our lawn from the chickens. Vermin? I really have no idea what she means!

Apparently MIL went on to say that we don't clean the chicken run out. We do it every week, thoroughly.

She also said we should look after the inside of the house before we look after the outside. I am fairly tidy and neat. MIL insists on having a key and cleaning our house. When we tried to pay a cleaner, MIL was mightly offended, so I don't think my house keeping meets her exacting standards.

She then told my dm that we don't allow the dcs sweets, yet we eat them. She knows this as she finds the empty wrappers in our bin when she comes. Dcs ARE allowed sweets, just not unlimited amounts.

Am I bu to hate the gossip? Am annoyed with both MIL and Dm (for passing on this information!)

MIL has admitted saying all of these things and just says 'Well it's my opinion...'

OP posts:

snuffaluffagus · 14/12/2011 11:38

Oh my god this would drive me crazy.. she's in your house every day? Is this because she picks your daughter up every day? And she irons your underwear? You KNOW that's weird right?

God I don't envy you, this would drive me crackers. She needs to get a life of her own and allowing her to do all of this is not helping.

SnapesMistressofMerriment · 14/12/2011 11:40

This would be completely unacceptable for me, she irons your underwear????

Bonkers, ban her from the house and get her to take dd to hers when she picks up

tyler80 · 14/12/2011 11:43

Not in defence of what mother in law said but we live in an ex-council house and because of that there are all sorts of covenants that still exist even though the house is no longer council owned. In our case I believe one of the covenants applies to keeping animals.

valiumredhead · 14/12/2011 11:44

MIL insists on having a key and cleaning our house - That needs to stop NOW. Your mum is as bad as your mil for passing on nasty second hand gossip. You need to have words with them both!

CrotchFlakes · 14/12/2011 11:51

No wonder you don't have a sex life if your MIL is so entwined in your life

bananamam · 14/12/2011 11:52

Can you not get a lock for your bedroom door then? Since clearly she either won't listen/you cannot make yourself heard....not sure which it is. My house is my house. MIL always asks if she can go in our bedroom(she visits as lives away). If she snooped once I'd never let her back in!!

YANBU to not want them to tattle like a pair of school girls. YABU to continue to let her into your house because the childcare suits you and then complain about what she does. Either set boundaries she has to stick to or get a lock for any rooms you don't want her in.

ChristmasIsAcumenin · 14/12/2011 11:53

I know it's very Mumsnet to say ban her from the house etc. But maybe there's a way to resolve the conflict without trashing your close family relationships.

It's very likely she doesn't realise the possible consequences of her actions: her saying X and Y about you equals her being denied access to your home. It's not useful, long term, to just shut down relationships in this way. Pragmatically, if you get ill or develop other unexpected needs, you may regret discarding this kind of support.

Could you try, instead of confronting her, saying calmly and clearly that you expect her to respect your privacy and not discuss any details of your home life with other people, including your own mother. You don't need to explain or justify your emotional reasons (it makes you feel X and Y).

ChristmasIsAcumenin · 14/12/2011 11:54

Er, and lay out the consequences!

HollyGhost · 14/12/2011 11:57

Since you don't want her, can I have her? I would love to have a MIL who wanted to provide free childcare and cleaning

Seriously, Hecate is wise. It is and always has been your choice, don't make yourself out to be powerless here, it is your home, you decide.

Though if I was you I would get a lock for a cupboard or your bedroom door so you have a place to keep stuff you don't want her poking in.

lesley33 · 14/12/2011 12:01

Either she is interfering, or she is just very lonely. Often ime very lonely people will gossip just because they want to have "something" to talk about with other people. The fact that she comes to clean to have something to do, says it all to me.

You have my sympathy as my FIL is a terrible gossip - and lonely.

Put a lock on your bedroom door. If she says anything just say you want your bedroom to be private.
From how she sounds, even if she is telling others about you they will take everything she says with a very large pinch of salt. Most people aren't stupid. And ask your mum not to tell you if your mil gossips to her again.

And a previous poster is right, that although your MIL does sound particularly gossipy - everyone does talk about other people. I and my mum talk about my sil for example - good and bad things. Just as you and your mum will probably talk about your mil

LauraIngallsWilder · 14/12/2011 12:07

I'm wondering how to broach the subject of getting the keys back and explaining why we don't want her to come. I hate confrontation. The thing is, it is brilliant having her come and help and I didn't mind if she was happy to do that, but I don't like all the snooping around and tittle tattle that goes with it...

Either put up with her tittle tattle or do you own cleaning!
Just say "I really appreciate all that you do but actually tbh Id like to do it myself now!"
Just ask for the key back it really isnt that difficult - if she is offended so what? She is offending you!!!!!
You are making a choice here. Choose to allow her to continue or choose to make her stop (and pay a cleaner or do your own cleaning!)

katkitya · 14/12/2011 12:59

Put a lock on your bedroom door and put your knickers away yourself. Simple.

catsrus · 14/12/2011 13:39

I'm coming at this from a slightly different angle.... how do you know what she said? your mother told you - right? Seems a bit odd to me that a mother would "pass on" these things unless she wanted to undermine your relationship with the MIL - do you think your DM may have an agenda here? any possibility that she might have "embellished" what was been said?

hackmum · 14/12/2011 13:49

That's horrible. There were a couple of times when my late father passed on critical things that other relatives had said about me, and it really upset me. I couldn't go to them and say, "I know what you've been saying and it's not fair", could I?

Your mum is out of order because a) she should have stood up for you b) she shouldn't have passed on what your MiL said about you.

Your MiL is completely out of order in so many ways - what an awful, interfering person. I hate it when other people decide they have to clean my house/do my ironing for me. I can't say it's happened very often but have really disliked it when they do. Ironing your underwear is just off. But the only way you can stop her doing it is by stopping her picking up your DD and I can see why you don't want to do that. I'm assuming she won't respond favourably to "Please stop doing my housework for me. I am perfectly capable of doing it myself."

SantaDesperatelySeeksSedatives · 14/12/2011 14:41

Change the locks OP. And tell you mum and your MIL that if neither of them having anything nice to say to say nothing at all.

TBH this sounds less gossipy and more a ranty, bitchy attack on you.

I honestly don't understand why you'd give someone a key just because they insist on it. Infact, the more they insisted the less likely they'd be to get a key.

Original poster

wellybobs · 14/12/2011 19:45

dh isn't very happy about the idea of ironing his own shirts for work, though he says he will speak to MIL.

OP posts:

yellowraincoat · 14/12/2011 19:48

Take the key off your mil. Pay someone else to iron the shirts. Round here (London) it costs £2.50 a shirt, £12.50 a week doesn't seem that much (if you can afford it) to stop the interfering old bag being in your house.

Original poster

wellybobs · 14/12/2011 19:50

Forgot to add, we stopped MIL taking dd to hers because she was letting her play outside unsupervised. MIL lives in a cul de sac. This was last year when dd was in reception. Had a big row with dh, as he thought MIL was right and I was wrong.

We allowed her to continue collecting dd - which she loves doing (and dd loves it too) but she had to take her to ours where she can't play outside (busy road).

OP posts:

lljkk · 14/12/2011 20:02

I want to say normally I mind gossip about me a lot, but not from family: FFS, they are family, they are talking about you because they care not because they enjoy putting you down. Well, that's how I read it. Do you really think she's telling her hairdresser & neighbours all about your life, too? That's the kind of gossip that peeves me. But discussion with relatives about mutual relatives is just... normal social grooming in my book.

I would just smile, nod & keep doing things my own way.

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