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Original poster

To hate being gossiped about...

69 replies

wellybobs · 13/12/2011 22:20

Mil (who I get on with normally) and my dm went to see dd's nativity play. Afterwards my dm (who is also v gossipy and who I am also annoyed with) informed me that MIL had told her that we shouldn't be keeping chickens as we live in a council house.

We bought our house at market value and have a huge mortagage. It was a council house 25 years ago. She said that there is vermin all over our lawn from the chickens. Vermin? I really have no idea what she means!

Apparently MIL went on to say that we don't clean the chicken run out. We do it every week, thoroughly.

She also said we should look after the inside of the house before we look after the outside. I am fairly tidy and neat. MIL insists on having a key and cleaning our house. When we tried to pay a cleaner, MIL was mightly offended, so I don't think my house keeping meets her exacting standards.

She then told my dm that we don't allow the dcs sweets, yet we eat them. She knows this as she finds the empty wrappers in our bin when she comes. Dcs ARE allowed sweets, just not unlimited amounts.

Am I bu to hate the gossip? Am annoyed with both MIL and Dm (for passing on this information!)

MIL has admitted saying all of these things and just says 'Well it's my opinion...'

OP posts:
5318hoho8 · 13/12/2011 22:43

welly you need to leave sex toys around the house

Original poster
wellybobs · 13/12/2011 22:45

Lol! She would probably gossip about those too. I feel like I couldn't have sex toys if I wanted them, as MIL would find them...

OP posts:
5318hoho8 · 13/12/2011 22:47

Please tell me she doesn't go into your bedroom

Get0rf · 13/12/2011 22:51

Oh god I would move miles and miles away from the pair of them, they sound like those bosom hoiking two played by Alec Gilroy and Les Dawson.

What a pair of miseries. I would get your key back from MIL pronto, and pay for childcare after school.

Nosy buggers.

esselle · 13/12/2011 22:51

Well clearly she doesn't need a key if your DH is working from home regularly.

What does he think of her snooping and 'opinions'?

Liluri · 13/12/2011 22:51

The phrase "MIL insists on having a key and cleaning our house" gave me chills.
Seriously, you need to assert yourself as the mistress of your own domain!

Your mother should put your MIL in her place when she bitches about you.
Your DH should put your MIL in her place when she bitches about you.

C'mon, you outnumber the interfering woman by three to one! Grin

Original poster
wellybobs · 13/12/2011 22:52

She goes into every room. Nothing is sacred. We have no sex life, so have nothing to hide, but still...

OP posts:
Original poster
wellybobs · 13/12/2011 22:55

Dh works from home, but at no notice will often have to go and visit a client, so MIL needs a key in case he isn't here.

Dh did have stern words with her, but I doubt it will impact.

Have never forgotten the time when at my wedding blessing, 7 months pregnant, MIL informed infront of my friends that I had put on so much weight on my bum that it was like a shelf.

She isn't known for her tact.

OP posts:
Liluri · 13/12/2011 23:09

"so MIL needs a key"
No she doesn't - not if you don't want her to have unfettered and unaccompanied access to your family home.

Just because she is tactless and demanding does not mean that her feelings are more important than yours.
She will doubtlessly be upset for a while if she's told to back off - but you're upset now, with the way things are - and that is just as valid.

Morloth · 13/12/2011 23:25

Meh, who gives a damn what she thinks.

I so wouldn't be discouraging someone from cleaning my house for free.

They can say whatever they want about me if they clean my house!

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 14/12/2011 06:11

I think you just have to keep telling yourself that you are choosing this.

You could demand the key back and face her reaction
You could change the locks and refuse to give her another key and face her reaction
You could make alternative childcare arrangements and face her reaction
You could do so many things, but you choose not to. Clearly you have decided that of all the possible options - this way is the best (or least worst!) for you.

So I think that all you can do is make peace with it.

You have chosen to accept this, if you keep telling yourself that, you may feel better about it.

Or you may choose to change it.

I don't know.

It's early and I haven't had enough coffee yet. Grin

I will say that you cannot rely on people to behave how you want them to behave or to behave how you would behave if you were them. You can only decide what you will or will not accept and communicate that.

Avenged · 14/12/2011 08:38

People like your MIL will get away with things like this until they're pulled up on it. If she keeps on at it then tell her straight that you will not tolerate her gossiping about you or other members of your family (your OH and kids) and her going into your room (tell her that your room is out of bounds to her as she does not seem to be respecting your privacy).

Hullygully · 14/12/2011 08:40

Everyone talks about everyone all the time.

This is a fact.

Your mother should have put MIL right and then kept her trap shut.

manticlimactic · 14/12/2011 08:43

She doesn't need a key. She can take the children round to hers if your husband isn't in.

mrsjay · 14/12/2011 08:46

doesnt your mum and MIL know you bought your house i dont get it ? anyway id keep your mil out of your house as much as possible ,she sounds too interferring for my liking she could be raking through your house as she cleans being really nosey looking at letters and things , i wouldnt let her do it any more , let her be offended ,

Noodlemacdoodle · 14/12/2011 08:51

I would suggest she takes the children to her house after school. You don't need her in your home - you need some privacy. Can you think of a way to make that happen without hurting her feelings?

bringbacksideburns · 14/12/2011 09:30

I'd be more annoyed with your dm than your interfering MIL. She should have introduced all the positive things about you or told her to shut up.

She also shouldn't have repeated everything that was said back to you. Make sure you tell her they have both upset you and maybe they will learn something from it all.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/12/2011 09:38

If your MIL really loves her grandchildren, your taking the key back will have no effect. I personally wouldn't let the childcare be leverage for her to do and say as she wishes. It's your home and she is not the boss of it.

katkitya · 14/12/2011 10:18

Is there an after school club they can go to? Pay for a cleaner to come on the day she's not there or, is she picking them up five days a week?

TheRealMrsHannigan · 14/12/2011 10:25

You need to take back your key and say 'In my opinion you are a nosey, self important, gossiping old trout'.

She has been unspeakably rude! Your mother has also been very disloyal to allow your MIL to slag you off to such an extent.

blackteaplease · 14/12/2011 10:34

How old is your dd? Can she have a key and MIL collect her and use that key to get into your house? Or even better, take dd back to MILs house to keep her out of yours?

LauraIngallsWilder · 14/12/2011 10:56

I think you have to make a choice

1 - you allow her to continue to show you no respect and accept that she will continue to invade your life (because you are allowing her too)
2 - you demand the key back and potentially upset her (but thats her problem, she is being unreasonable)

Original poster
wellybobs · 14/12/2011 11:22

My mum and MIL are both well aware that I bought my house, so I don't know why MIL still thinks it is a council house. There are a few council houses nearby, but it is 90% privately owned where I live.

She comes 5 days a week. There really isn't much for her to do, apart from ironing. The house is not always immaculate if we're in a rush in the morning, sometimes I haven't made the bed - but there isn't much else to tidy up. We empty bins and do washing up each evening.

We don't iron, just fold and put away - but MIL irons everything, including my underwear Blush which is a bit unnecessary, although I do really appreciate that she helps with that of course. Dh has asked her in the past not to come, saying it was too much for her. She says she likes to come, as she gets bored at home and enjoys helping.

I'm wondering how to broach the subject of getting the keys back and explaining why we don't want her to come. I hate confrontation. The thing is, it is brilliant having her come and help and I didn't mind if she was happy to do that, but I don't like all the snooping around and tittle tattle that goes with it...

OP posts:
OldeChestnut · 14/12/2011 11:24

you mum is stirring it

ChristmasIsAcumenin · 14/12/2011 11:36

My MIL has a key and comes and cleans my house sometimes.

Actually every time she comes over I make her do my kitchen before I give her coffee Xmas Grin The woman is a cleaning genius.

She totally judges me, but, I don't know, we get on with it anyway? Like, she thinks I'm a slattern but not a murderer or anything. I don't mind. I used to mind quite a lot but that was mainly my own insecurity. Now I just set out the boundaries and when she oversteps I withdraw privileges (omg I sound like a prison guard). Like, she knows she's not allowed to come round at 5.30 am and if she does I will change the locks and ignore the door. So long as it's all clear and not emotionalised, it is not a conflict.

She does occasionally lose her mind and overstep wildly: she used to go through my knicker drawer, and only last year she impersonated DP to change our house insurance, but I don't think she can help it. She's just a loon. She has many other fine qualities. Also, seriously: cleaning. genius.

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