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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my DP to call/text me while away?

77 replies

KissMyA · 13/12/2011 16:34

My DP is away on business for a week. He left on Saturday. Yesterday I didn't hear from him once, so messaged him on Skype and got a reply saying 'in a meeting'

He just message me about an hour ago and I'm really annoyed. He said sorry for not contacting you yesterday, was really busy. But then went on to say he went to his boss' and wife's house and had an amazing dinner with them and another couple. It just upsets me he must've gone to the office, gone back to the hotel, gone back out to dinner and not thought of me once Sad

Aibu to think he could've found 2 minutes of his time to send me a message? Or am I being a bit of a sap?

OP posts:
Pandemoniaa · 14/12/2011 11:55

When I was in senior management it's fair to say that I gave very little thought to my DP when at conferences and the like. I was working and there was rarely much free time away from colleagues. Same went for DP and tbh, we'd both have been driven demented by a needy partner who threw little strops about the lack of messages.

MistletoeAndFlump · 14/12/2011 12:02

YANBU - if DH or I are away we call or text each other at least once a day just to say hi and check everything's ok. However busy somebody is, they can always find a minute to pop to the loo and send a quick text.

shandyssandy · 14/12/2011 12:10

I may be outnumbered, but I still feel that this "ticking off goodnight/morning texts" attitude a bit strange.

When my DH contacts me when he's away (and vice versa), it is because we both want to. Not because it's expected or because someone at home is going to doubt commitment if that's not been done.

I don't know, I just find it bizarre that it would be an obligation (beyond the "we're arrived safely" aspect), and I would argue in the OP's case is symptomatic of a weakness in the relationship that already exists (maybe her DH really is a selfish tit in many other ways too), as opposed to being something that normal couples do/think.

That's the distinction I'm trying to make. I wouldn't find it pleasent to receive a phonecall or email or text from my OH just because he felt he had to. And I would dig my heels in and refuse to do it, likewise, if I would face a sullen DH for not doing it. It's not in the right spirit of things.

NotJustForClassic · 14/12/2011 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsHoarder · 14/12/2011 12:17

shandy: DH works away often, and for a few years worked in a different part of the country to me. We talk for a short period of time every because keeping that constant communication open is important to our marriage. It may not be to yours, but if my DH stopped wanting to have a chat before bed when he's away with work I'd be worried.

MrsHoarder · 14/12/2011 12:21

Note that I'm not a mad clingy woman who can't function without that call: he's gone on long distance hikes where for a few days he might not be able to get a signal. But its just nice to have that connection just before we both go to bed (and however busy the day is, I'm sure any professional travelling gets a hotel room to themselves and can managed a 5 minute call in this day and age).

Hammy02 · 14/12/2011 12:22

YANBU. I don't believe anyone doesn't have 2 minutes a couple of times a day to speak to their DP. Absolute bollocks. DH is in senior management and calls a couple of times a day when he's away. In the morning & evening. I'm not needy and neither is he but I would find it odd not to speak to him for a day or so at a time. Life is too short not to. You don't know what is round the corner.

DeckTheHugeWithBoughsOfManatee · 14/12/2011 12:24

I don't think YABU. DP calls me every day when he's away travelling, and if he can't for some reason he'll text to say 'sorry can't talk [for this reason] talk tomorrow love you' at the very least.

PieCherry · 14/12/2011 12:45

YANBU - A good morning text and a good night text should be the minimum just to let each other know everything is OK.

xxx

MistletoeAndFlump · 14/12/2011 12:49

Shandy it's nothing to do with 'ticking off texts" IMO.

DH and I are sappy about each other and I don't see that as a weakness. If either of us have to work away for a day or two we miss each other and like to keep in touch. I love texting/talking to him at the end of the day if he can't be at home, as he does me. If it was a case of 'ticking off texts' I probably wouldn't want to bother.

LoveInAColdClimate · 14/12/2011 12:56

OP, YANBU. DH has a very demanding job (dare I say it, he may even be as Busy And Important as Shandy's DH Hmm) but would also text me at least once a day and almost always more when he is away - yes, even abroad. I assume your DH has time to eat and shower when he is away. He also has time to text you.

blackteaplease · 14/12/2011 13:09

YANBU to expect your dh to be in touch but it does sound like he didn't have time and he has apologised.

I work away quite a bit and try to call dh every night for a chat, but these get shorter in length the longer I am away for as all I am doing is working and it's boring. Sometimes you are at work untill late, then time to freshen up (10 mins) and straight out to a client/ colleague dinner then late home to bed knackered. In that case I would text if I could, normally just before I go to bed. It does begin to feel like a bit of a chore to check in though.

eurochick · 14/12/2011 13:21

We both travel for work and I have to do it quite a lot, often for several days at a time. I drop texts when I have time and the time difference works (don't want to be waking him up at 4am). Most of my travel is absolutely manic. When I am doing hearings abroad, it is not unusual to work 16 hours days, starting over a bite of breakfast in my room and continuing until I fall asleep. When I am at conferences, it is typically a networking breakfast, a session, a networking break, session, lunch with colleagues, session, dinner with colleagues, evening event, crash out. Your firm has paid for you to attend and make the most of it, not stand out in the hallway texting. And it is rude to sit at dinner with your phone out. So there are not many opportunities!

worldgonecrazy · 14/12/2011 13:22

Gosh "Ticking off texts" sounds like it's a chore to maintain contact with the person you are professing to love and be in a relationship with. I find that a very bizarre concept.

naturalbaby · 14/12/2011 13:37

My dh is away at the moment and very, very busy but i can't understand how anyone can struggle to find a few seconds to send a text. a person cannot literally be on the go every single second of the day. you go to the toilet alone and get back to your hotel to get ready for bed alone don't you?!

i go over the top and insist he at least sends a message to let me know he's arrived so i know he's not crashed his hire car into a ditch in a foreign country. i'd rather have a text at 4am and know he's o.k than nothing at all. i also hope that he likes to get texts back so he's knows we're all alright at home.

Ragwort · 14/12/2011 13:50

My DH works in a very dangerous part of the world, I would hate him having to worry about fitting in time to send me a text - and the only time he probably gets to himself is when he goes to the toilet and I don't want to think of him having to send me a text whilst he is otherwise occupied Xmas Wink.

LikeAnAdventCandleButNotQuite · 14/12/2011 13:52

Goodness, I'd go on a week's holiday and the only text DH would get would be an 'I'm here!!' one. I'd send an 'I'm delayed' on my return one too, if the need arose.

Once we have kids, this will change, as I would need daily communication with them, but a fully grown adult? It'd be nice to speak during the time you are apart, but please dont be upset that it is not frequent.

MistletoeAndFlump · 14/12/2011 14:29

"I'm here!"?

And they say romance is dead Xmas Grin

Pandemoniaa · 14/12/2011 14:35

All I'd say, so far as romance being dead being concerned is that the couple I know with the dodgiest marriage and deepest ishoos of compatibility, send a stream (nay, more like a flood) of sloppy texts and hideously luvvy-duvvy public FB messages to each other every day.

Quite who they are trying to fool I don't know but the time spent composing the sickly slush would be far better used discussing, face to face, the genuine problems in their relationship.

Romance can be a very shallow virtue...

LikeAnAdventCandleButNotQuite · 14/12/2011 15:24

Believe me, the romance is not dead in our marriage. I just honestly would want DH to have a good time while away and not have to think 'Oooh, best send Candle a text' or 'shite, Candle's gonna be miffed as my meeting ran over and I havent called her today'

We are our own people, and should the need to speak to the other take us, we would do it, but are rather happy getting on with things when apart, thank you very much Grin

Pandemoniaa don't even get me started on sloppy messages, worst of all on FB for everyone to vomit over. Urgh, and the "what shall I cook for my babes tea?" followed by him replying "oooh, a lasagne would be nice" followed by "just popping out to buy lasagne ingredients to make my darling babes his favourite tea"

Boak.

PieCherry · 14/12/2011 16:49

I do know what it's like to be away on business, all day meeting followed by dinner/entertaining. It's rubbish. But I will always text my OH - NO excuse!

ravenlocks · 14/12/2011 16:55

My DH and I are quite sappy I'd admit.

He is away on business in London today (left abt 6am) and so far:

  • text to say flight was on time and his journey to airport was smooth
  • one word txt 'Boarded x'
  • one word txt 'Landed x'
  • a call at lunch to say he was bringing his flight home forward and to find out how my morning was (am on mat leave and 33 weeks pg)
  • a txt to say which flight he had got
  • a call from airport as he was boarding return fight
  • and I fully expect a call from the cab when he lands to give me an ETA for coming home?

Possibly OTT but works for us! YANBU

Gigondas · 14/12/2011 16:55

Am with shandysandy - I can see why you are narked but away on business can be pretty relentless. And even If you do manage to sneak a text in some people are funny about use of phone - dh texted me while on work do as been unwell , am 34 weeks pregnant and was concerned . His boss got annoyed at him doing even that for a minute so it's not as easy as you think

MabelLucyAttwell · 14/12/2011 17:39

Well said, ShandysSandy.

My son is in a high powered job and travels all over the world in his work. His wife is also very busy (and they have two small ones) and she never bothers when he's away because she knows that he'll be back.

Have you any children?

MabelLucyAttwell · 14/12/2011 17:48

Ragwort. I hope your husband returns safely one day. Doesn't need much thinking to guess where he is.