In being annoyed with people who buy a gift for me

[laptopdancer]

and dh when we have expressely asked that they dont.

Well, you don't give any information so it's hard to judge!

I can see why it's annoying to get big gifts if you don't have space, or to get gifts from people who will then be offended if you don't give them something back. Is it one of those?

It's just it is a bit off to be stroppy about it since they may be doing it with good intentions, mayn't they?

Why - do you feel bad because you aren't/can't buy one for them?

Gifts are about giving not receiving.......

No, someone with not much money (young and just starting out) who we sat down and said we would like them to not buy us anything as we would prefer they save......and various rellies we have asked not to as well. Its sort of an agreement, which they break.

you can be annoyed if you want of course you can. but then my mum (and mother in law) say that too and I'd feel HORRIBLE if I got them nothing, so I do it anyway. Sometimes I just get them an Oxfam gift which doesnt go to them directly, sometimes I do get them something for themselves. I do understand they genuintely want, or need, nothing so its entirely for my own gratification that I ignore it, I just NEED to get them something

havent you ever made an agreement for no gifts with anyone before?
DG and I never exchange gifts, its mutual

DG...DH that is

In the circumstances you outline, sorry I think yabu. It can feel terribly patronising to be the poor relative or friend who is told not to buy a gift. People still have their pride. It would have been much more sensitive to have said lets put a limit on the amount we spend e.g. just small gift for under a fiver as xmas gets so expensive.

LTD - it is hard when you have said 'please don't'. I've been on both sides and I'm not sure which is worse!! I've bought presents for people when they've said not to 'waste my money' on them, but I wanted to buy them something, to me it wasn't 'wasting my money' it was showing them, in some small way, how much I appreciated them. I have tried to make other people not buy me things by telling them that I know they appreciate me and they really really really don't need to buy me things for me to know that... sometimes they do and sometimes they don't.

It's hard, but it's their money and if they want to do it, you should accept the gifts graciously :)

But... I do hate it when you have a 'mutual agreement' and people go back on it! That's really rubbish!

Sorry, I think I agree with lesley.

I would be so hurt if someone told me - as an adult - that they would 'prefer' I save.

I think the 'no gifts' agreement actually works best with people of similar financial situations to yourself, because then no-one feels awkward about it.

This isnt an adult btw....its my dss who is in his teens and a student

How old is he?

I said I was very grateful and that he was very kind but we would like him to not buy for us this year.

17

Just an example btw...its the ones who break "the agreement" who really annoy

YABU. Gifts are not something to be ordered or cancelled from other people. It's up to others if they would like you to buy a gift, and it's only polite to accept gifts graciously.

Mmm. TBH I can see why you wish he hadn't spent his money, but I think you have to suck it up (as you did). A 17 year old - especially if he's earning his own money - probably doesn't want to feel as if he can't contribute.

Maybe you could have suggested something very cheap that you'd love, instead, so he knows what you'd like? Under a fiver or similar?

It could feel quite patronising to be asked not to buy a gift, firstly because it draws attention to this person's financial situation, and secondly it could feel like you didn't like the gifts they chose or they weren't good enough for you.

The agreement-breakers would annoy me more, TBH!

give the gift straight back
kick the giver and use one of those clickers they use to train dogs

that way you should be OK for next year

no, sorry, i get where you are coming from, but yabu
if someone wants to get you a gift, you should accept it gratefully, it is heartfelt, probably even more so if you have specifically asked them not to.

I had suggested that LRD but he ignored it:( never mind

Well he is kind of an adult tbh - not a kid. And next year he will be 18, which is clearly an adult. I would still have felt patronised at his age. In fact I would have felt more patronised at 17/18 as I would have felt I was being treated like a young child.

So although I totally understand you not wanting him to buy you a present given he is a student, I still think you were insensitive and so I can understand why he did buy you a present.

Have you never been in the situation of being the "poor" relative. It doesn't feel nice unless people are pretty sensitive.

Oh dear. Look, you've tried ... now's the time to smile and say how lovely he's being. If you can afford it and it wouldn't offend him, you could write him a cheque for his next birthday?

It is tricky ... but maybe in a couple of years when he starts feeling the pinch a bit more, your point of view will start to make sense!