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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed with my mum about the DCs christmas presents

46 replies

azazello · 13/12/2011 15:43

My mum has dropped round the Dcs Christmas presents to go under the tree, For DD (4) she has: Playmobil, A fairy castle plus furniture and fairies and a dressing up costume.

DS (2) has a fort, a dressing up outfit and more playmobil. She has also given them a ride-on outdoors toy.

I'm a bit annoyed about this firstly because PILs and my parents are both coming over for Christmas and I suspect she has gone this overboard in part make it clear to PIls that she is top granny as she's never been this bad before.

Secondly, I know she currently has about £20k's worth of cc debt and it is only going up. She's planning to pay it off with her retirement lump sum but that is just such a silly waste of money.

The DCs are verging on the spoilt anyway and I don't think she should be getting them this number and type of presents. A book or two or a little train or something would be just as much appreciated. I know she loves them (and they love her) but think I should say something about how it has all got a bit out of hand.

OP posts:

catpark · 13/12/2011 15:47

Will the presents be opened before your mum and Pil arrive ? If so put some stuff away before they arrive.

Can you not keep the outdoor toys somewere else rather than under the tree ? As the children won't get much use out of them just now.

sheepgomeep · 13/12/2011 15:48

sounds reasonable to me sorry

[not helpful]

Id be quite pleased if my mum spent this on my children but she doesnt.

fwiw though I did have this issue with my ex in laws many many years ago but they bought tons of presents think 4 sackfuls and xmas morning was terrible. My son had a meltdown as he was so overwhelmed and my parents who were skint at the time were very upset.

so i sort of see where you are coming from but I dont think what your mum has got your dc is that bad.

Original poster

azazello · 13/12/2011 15:50

No, we would usually open all the presents together just before lunch and take it in turns so very public.

I could hide some but would need to mention it to mum first so she doesn't start trying to find it or make a fuss and that itself might upset her or cause trouble.

OP posts:

mynewpassion · 13/12/2011 15:50

Can't you not open the packaging and return the gifts for money and return it to her on Mother's Day, Valentine's Day, Grandparent Day, Easter, etc.

I mean open the presents but not the packaging by allowing the kids to play with one toy/gift from her and then return the rest of money.

Original poster

azazello · 13/12/2011 15:52

I think the problem that I know mum can't really afford it and is just racking up credit card debt. I'd rather she didn't up her debt on presents, even if she doesn't pay anything off.

OP posts:

TroublesomeEx · 13/12/2011 15:55

well her finances are her own affair. I think she's being very silly, but she is an adult so there's not a lot you can do about this.

I can understand why this is potentially upsetting for your ILs but, tbh, I have more sympathy for the people where the grandparents don't give a shit, rather than the ones where they give too much of a shit!

At least your mum/ILs are completing to be top granny rather than counting the time and the pennies to make sure they haven't spent the most on the GChn, like ours do.

catpark · 13/12/2011 15:57

Does nothing get opened until lunchtime ?

bridgeandbow · 13/12/2011 15:58

Yes - that is excessive. My mum will spend ~£40 on each of my DS (dressing up books and games) and I think that is generous. I wouldn't want more tbh.

G xx

Original poster

azazello · 13/12/2011 16:13

The children open stockings whenever they wake up and play with that stuff until everyone else arrives late morning (so Pils, parents, siblings plus partners etc).

I know I'm very lucky that both sets of grandparents love the DCs and want to be involved. I just wish that my mum would recognise we love her because of who is she is, not for the presents.

OP posts:

catpark · 13/12/2011 16:18

If you can't face telling her how you feel then let your children open some of her presents, hide the rest and lie. Tell her your children opened them in the morning cause they were so excited.

But if your mum is in so much debt perhaps you should just speak to her about it.

OldeChestnut · 13/12/2011 16:21

lol we used to spend christmas day at my parents house when the kids were young and there were more toys there than Hamleys lol, every inch of the floor was literally covered. Its christmas, let her buy what she likes for them, they are only small for a very short time

Ragwort · 13/12/2011 16:23

I agree that it sounds totally excessive; does your mum talk to you about her debt issues? I think you need to be fairly firm and just let her know that it is too much to give to the children and that you are very concerned that she is buying presents rather than paying off her debts. I think you can also say that it is not not appropriate to give such generous gifts in front of the other grandparents.

Either suggest she takes some presents back for a refund or that you will keep some back for birthdays.

UnexpectedOrangeInMyStocking · 13/12/2011 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pranma · 13/12/2011 16:59

I would put one of the big presents out with their stockings and let them open it first thing then save the rest to open when your family arrive.Tell your mum that one of her pressies will be from Santa [all mine are to dgs1and2].If they have been given to dc with love she will be happy with that if its a competition she wont and you can insist on saving one present till Boxing Day.You cant do anything about her debts I'm afraid.
Re Playmobil-my dgs is 2.9 now and has played with it happily and safely since last year.The bin lorry and the farm are great favourites.He maybe wont 'get' the castle yet though.

mamasmissionimpossible · 13/12/2011 17:00

It does sound like she chose lovely gifts though - sorry to be unhelpful

If it's any consolation my mother is like this with money and spends silly amounts on the dc's. I'm not sure what the solution is as it has been going on for years.

TestAnswers · 13/12/2011 17:08

I would try not to let it bother you but at the same time try and make it known to the PIL that it concerned you.

My dad used to go OTT buying for DS when he was little - giving him hundreds of pounds for his bank account + ridiculous amounts of presents. No, he is not rich - far from it. DH and I are comfortably off so it wasn't like he was trying to help - I just think he wasn't thinking. Thankfully, he has calmed down on that front now. In contrast the PIL always spent a sensible amount to a fixed budget. I made a point of making it clear to them that the amount my dad spent distressed me and I was trying to getting him to stop without offending him so they wouldn't feel like their present wasn't enough.

Original poster

azazello · 13/12/2011 17:10

I think i'm going to put the outdoor toy away until Easter - they won't get much use of it until then anyway and that is the most over the top thing. I might also suggest that the little playmobil is saved for birthdays - DS is reasonably good about not putting things in his mouth (better than DD sometimes!) but not entirely reliable.

I know about the debts because my dad has been worrying about them- he wants to retire and doesn't feel he can at the moment so we're sort of caught in the middle.

I just hope mum isn't going to sulk until Christmas now!

OP posts:

perceptionreality · 13/12/2011 17:13

I think that where gifts are given, whatever they are they need to be accepted in good spirit and not with cynicism.

I do get where you're coming from but I think the best thing at Christmas is to try to suspend family political stuff...

Angelswings · 13/12/2011 17:16

It sounds too much to give grandkids tbh. It's more the level parents would give, or a whole family.

If she is debt and using more debt to pay for it that must take most of the joy out of it for you and I can see it spoiling Christmas day. What does your dad think of the amount she has spent ?

SuePurblybiltbyElves · 13/12/2011 17:19

Put the outdoor toy away and start a new tradition of opening one gift on Christmas Eve. That knocks two off the pile

nerfmum · 13/12/2011 17:21

I do have a similar problem, both with my mum buying more than she can afford and my MIL feeling put out that she cannot afford to spend as much. But what try to do is take a deep breath and think they are all adults, I have little control over what my mum spends, and if MIL wants to wallow in it that's her business. well that's what I try to think,but actually, I'm dreading Christmas present giving time.

halcyondays · 13/12/2011 17:22

A 4 year old and a 2 year old wait until nearly lunchtime before opening their presents?! Can't they just open them first thing in the morning like most young dc?

Agree that Playmobil may not be suitable for a 2 year old because of small parts.

I take your point about her being in debt, but maybe she just wants to treat her grandchildren. It isn't very sensible of her to spend a lot on presents if she can't afford it, but it is up to her, really. If she could afford it, then it doesn't seem that excessive, many gps like to indulge their gc at Christmas.

halcyondays · 13/12/2011 17:24

It's a bit silly of grandparents to compete with each other or to worry about spending less than the others, it's not as if young children are going to be making notes about the cost.

Ilovepigs · 13/12/2011 17:25

Ha you call that a lot?

My mum brought over 12 bin bag full of presents at the weekend for dcs. We are estranged and only see her a couple of times a year.

She then spent a further £300 in the disney store

I tell her not too-she doesnt have much money. But she scrimps and saves all year for xmas.

Plus it partly makes up for her being such a shit mum to me!

Tryharder · 13/12/2011 17:37

I think you would be very, very unreasonable as well as petty and churlish to limit the presents or put them away. They are not your presents to take away. It's Christmas. I don't think what she has spent is unreasonable. They sound like lovely and well thought out gifts. It's her money to spend as she chooses.

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