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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? In thinking this a massively taking the piss???

47 replies

Inthepotty · 13/12/2011 14:09

This will ramble and probably confuse!!

I have been married to DH for 5 yrs. We have 2DDs 1DS and my DSS also lives with us full time. DSS is 7. The reason he lives with us is that his 'mum' had some mental health issues, as well as a alchohol depency issue. He is perfectly happy and well adjusted. DSS calls me 'mummy' and his 'mum' by her 1st name. He was only 8m when I met his dad (who was going through divorce at time) and already lived with his dad, so I'm all he's over known as a mummy.

Anyway, DSS has had supervised visits with his 'mum' on and off over the last 3 yrs. Supervised by his grandparent (his 'mums' parents.) We har a great relationship with them, they dote on DSS and are also fab with our other DC, buying them little gifts when they do for DSS, offering to babysit them all, an so on. DSS goes for his tea with his grandparents on a Thursday eve. (fish and chip night!!)

Anyway, for 7 MONTHS DSS' 'mum' has not turned up for the supervised, arranged visits. We agreed to them in the first place as DH didn't want DSS growing up asking why we hadnt let him see his 'mum', and also because we know DSS' grandparents desperatly wish their daughter (DSS' 'mum') could build a relationship with him (DSS.) This isn't the first time she hasn't turned up for a long period of time, I feel awful for DSS as don't want him to think hes not worthy of his 'mum's' time, or important enough to her.

So last night DSS grandma rang to speak to DH, and said DSS 'mum' was going to thier house for Xmas dinner, could DSS go for an hour so she could see him??????!!! My DH said he'll think about it, and he genuinely is. DSS grandparents live 30mins drive away, they don't drive, so I would have to drive him there, hang around in the car/mooch about with the dog round the streets (apparently it would be too awkward for thier DD for me to be there aswell) for and hour then drive him back?! I just feel it can't poss be fair on DSS for this woman to keep turning up when she feels like it, then not bothering when it's not an exciting time of year? We haven't mentioned it yet to DSS cos he's a lovely little thing and I know he'd be torn between wanting to stay and play with his new toys and baby siblings (he's a very doting big bro) or going and seeing his GPs as he knows they would love to have hm there, and he adores them, too! Aghhh!

Oh and all the driving is on top of cooking dinner for 12! Well done for getting this far, sorry if it doesn't make sense, and sorry for another Xmas day thread!!!!

ITP

OP posts:
samandi · 13/12/2011 14:14

YADNBU. At the very least if you go they have to invite you in and offer a cup of tea and mince pie.

StealthPenguin · 13/12/2011 14:20

YANBU, but it's Christmas... I'm in two minds about this one.

Either you both go or neither IMO. She can't pick and choose the bits of parenthood she wants, it's all or none, and i think you need to make that clear.

WibblyBibble · 13/12/2011 14:20

YANBU, but what a crappy situation for the poor boy. Can his bio-mum come to yours to see him? Or couldn't they invite you all there? I get that it would be hard for her but if she doesn't make the effort for regular contact then really she ought to be putting him first for once, mental problems or not.

Themumsnot · 13/12/2011 14:23

Sorry, I'm not sure why your DH can't drive him over rather than you having to do it? I do think that whatever you do should ultimately be in the best interests of your DSS, however inconvenient that might be for anyone else. I am not convinced though that seeing his mum on Christmas Day is in his best interests, since she hasn't chosen to use the opportunities she has had to see him onother occasions. Is she likely to cause a scene and upset him? Ultimately you want him to have a happy Christmas. Will seeing his mum be more or less likely to make that happen? Only you and your DH know the answer to that one.

MistleTobyLeWolef · 13/12/2011 14:23

Why can't his dad just go and see him? Did I miss the part where you said he can't drive himself?

FWIW, I think it's really disrespectful of you to use inverted commas around 'mum' when you talk about her. Regardless of what you think of her, she is still his mother.

Original poster
Inthepotty · 13/12/2011 14:26

Oh she wouldn't come in our house ( don't know why, it's perfectly normal!) the thing that gets me is that, based on previous behaviour, I don't think she's even that bothered, it's the GPs pushing the issue? dSS hasn't mentioned her for months. She had no interest n shared custody, told DH she 'wasn't maternal' and we were 'welcome to him'. I try to be diplomatic and sympathetic but not easy! Excuse typos am baking with DDs!!

OP posts:
LauraIngallsWilder · 13/12/2011 14:28

Does dh not drive? (as obviously that would make things easier)

I think yanbu but I would probably do it - this year but not next year if she continues being unreliable

It's great that you can be his mum though. Hurrah for you !

Appuskidu · 13/12/2011 14:34

Can't your DH drive him?

firsttimemama · 13/12/2011 14:35

Can you be sure that that your dss's mum will be there? This would be almost the biggest consideration for me - if your dss thinks he will be seeing his mum and then realises she couldn't even be bothered to turn up at Christmas that could be really devastating to him.

fuzzynavel · 13/12/2011 14:35

I'd do it due to being xmas OP.

Gonzo33 · 13/12/2011 14:38

I think this is a very difficult situation.

In your position I think I would agree, but ask if you can come in and have a cuppa or something so you are not left wandering the streets (or your OH, or all of you) for an hour or more. I think I would also use the opportunity to make ot clear to dss mother that your dss need's consistency with contact. It is not fair on the poor boy.

My ds is 10. His father has let him down more times than I, or he, can remember and it effected him deeply until recently when he had an epiphany and realised what a waste of time and effort his father was (I should add that he really is a waster and I did leave my child to make his own mind up and tried my hardest to make contact as convenient as possible for my exh).

I know it will be a ballache, but at least in the future you can honestly say to your dss that you tried the best that you could with his Mother, he will thank you eventually.

aldiwhore · 13/12/2011 14:40

YANBU.

Although if you do this I think it will be a GOOD THING to do.

I do think its very VERY unreasonable to not allow you into the house. So what if it makes their DD feel awkward, its reality, you are a main carer in her child's life and should be treated with courtesy (likewise, you should treat her with courtesy) and her parents certainly should enable you to at least come in out of the cold for an hour, even if you sit in the kitchen drinking tea whilst your DSS sees his mum.

I think the chances she won't be there are high, BUT I also think you should still do the right thing, your DSS will always know that you did everything you could for him, his disappointment will of course be upsetting for him, but with you and his dad in his life he is getting love and security, he IS worth it, and will feel it.

Loie159 · 13/12/2011 14:42

poor DSS..... I feel for him and you and like a few other posters Im in 2 minds as well. On one side I think no matter what DSS should have whats best for him and if that is seeing DGP and bio mum then so be it. .....
However you mention that she isnt reliable - not turning up for 7m, so my concern would be that everyone - you DH, your DC will make a sacrifice byu driving DSS to grandparents, waiting for him to see bio mum, your children not getting to play with him as much, and then she might just not turn up at all. I think this is a real concern and would be awful for him. Can DH talk to DGP and explain that you have 12 for lunch and it has been planned for ages so cant change plans but if bio mum does really want to see him then DH / you would be delighted to bring him on Boxing Day??? Could that work. YANBU to want to spend Xmas together as a family.

randommoment · 13/12/2011 14:43

Would love to know why DH won't be driving. If you or DH do take DSS over to see GPs on Christmas day, better not mention that natural mum is going to be present - in case she isn't. If she's got addiction issues and has been awol for 7 months, she will be even more unreliable than usual.

joben · 13/12/2011 14:46

I would be tempted to invite her and her parents to your house (it's up to her to show how much she wants to see her son and overcome her hang ups about coming to your house) for an hour/fixed time/whatever you can cope with, say early evening so that your DSS doesn't feel too anxious, remains where he feels most safe and secure, and isn't treated like a 'parcel' to be presented to his mum, and is distracted from the adults' anxiety by enjoying Christmas with his step-siblings

wannabestressfree · 13/12/2011 14:47

I feel for you op and I don' think its unreasonable to put inverted commas around mum. She is his biological mum but not much else. I am not sure anyone would be getting so cross at 'dad'.
I feel for the grandparents as I have been in a similar position with my ds's when they are fab but exp isn't. You have worked hard to establish and maintain their relationship. To be honest I would say no but offer an alternative..........

LydiaWickham · 13/12/2011 14:47

YANBU - although it might not actually be all that nice for DSS, he barely knows this woman, Christmas day is a big thing, he'll be taken away from his family, to go see his Grandparents, who'll expect him to get on with a strange woman who doesn't seem to really like him for an hour or so before being brought home, having missed a couple of hours of the day.

I can see why your DH wants to do the right thing, but really this is shit for you, DSS and probably for Grandparents who'll see their DD not really caring for their DGS (who they seem to adore).

Could you invite them and her to you on Boxing day or offer to bring DSS over on Boxing day for the whole day?

Flyonthewindscreen · 13/12/2011 14:47

I think a fair compromise would be for your DH (not clear why it has it be you unless your DH doesn't drive) to drive your DSS over to his GPs at a time convenient Hmm for you during xmas day, on the understanding that you/DH will be coming in as you will not be sitting in the car in the cold for an hour on xmas day with no shops or cafes open for you to retreat to. Maybe tell your DSS that he is going to visit his GPs and his "mum" might be there?

NatashaBee · 13/12/2011 14:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummylouise · 13/12/2011 14:49

Even thou it might be inconvient i think u should go either all together or just ur DH. At 7 your DSS will be aware that u are the person always there not his mum. My ex only c his kids when he feels like it and has never seen them at xmas. I have never stopped access. My children are well aware that it is me and their step dad who are there every day. I suppose i work on the basis that i would want the accusation of my kids not seeing their dad to be thrown back in my face later in life.
Maybe thou in case she didn't turn up don't mention it to ur dss - that way if she is not there he won't be disappointed.

Original poster
Inthepotty · 13/12/2011 14:51

No DH cant drive him- he's a chef (as am I in the same place) and he is working thus year until 2. mistle Im not sure you've read the OP, his dad doesn't need to go anywhere to see anyone! I'm also in disagreement about the mum part, I used inverted commas so ppl could tell what I was talking about. I do find the 'she's his mother' part disrespectful to me FWIW, seen ad though she's seen him maybe 7 times this yr, never rings, sends a birthday card, pays us any CSA money, doesn't ask her parents how he is and so on. So I do it all. As well as the crappy bits of day to day parenting! Of course I get the best bits too; school plays, special pictures and all the fun we have! I treat him as my own child, (including supporting him when he's upset she is too busy to visit!) because to me, he is.

OP posts:
Annpan88 · 13/12/2011 14:53

I think only you and your DH can decide what's best for DSS. Don't think there's a right or wrong here.

FWIW I don't thing refering to her as his 'mum' in that way is particularly disrespectful. I think you were quite diplomatic considering the history

Annpan88 · 13/12/2011 14:55

*think

MistleTobyLeWolef · 13/12/2011 14:58

Im not sure you've read the OP, his dad doesn't need to go anywhere to see anyone!

So you're saying that your husband won't be accompanying you at all? You didn't make that clear, and I don't think I'm the only one who was confused by that.

Davsmum · 13/12/2011 15:05

Just say no, its not possible - You are too busy on Xmas day but you would be happy to do it another day. WHy should your Christmas day be interrupted ? You are his 'real' Mum and you do everything for him so the least she can do is agree to see him another day - SHE should be making the effort to see the child.
Going on Xmas day could upset your DSS and spoil his day, especially as his birth mother has let him down in the past.

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