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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU? In thinking this a massively taking the piss???

47 replies

Inthepotty · 13/12/2011 14:09

This will ramble and probably confuse!!

I have been married to DH for 5 yrs. We have 2DDs 1DS and my DSS also lives with us full time. DSS is 7. The reason he lives with us is that his 'mum' had some mental health issues, as well as a alchohol depency issue. He is perfectly happy and well adjusted. DSS calls me 'mummy' and his 'mum' by her 1st name. He was only 8m when I met his dad (who was going through divorce at time) and already lived with his dad, so I'm all he's over known as a mummy.

Anyway, DSS has had supervised visits with his 'mum' on and off over the last 3 yrs. Supervised by his grandparent (his 'mums' parents.) We har a great relationship with them, they dote on DSS and are also fab with our other DC, buying them little gifts when they do for DSS, offering to babysit them all, an so on. DSS goes for his tea with his grandparents on a Thursday eve. (fish and chip night!!)

Anyway, for 7 MONTHS DSS' 'mum' has not turned up for the supervised, arranged visits. We agreed to them in the first place as DH didn't want DSS growing up asking why we hadnt let him see his 'mum', and also because we know DSS' grandparents desperatly wish their daughter (DSS' 'mum') could build a relationship with him (DSS.) This isn't the first time she hasn't turned up for a long period of time, I feel awful for DSS as don't want him to think hes not worthy of his 'mum's' time, or important enough to her.

So last night DSS grandma rang to speak to DH, and said DSS 'mum' was going to thier house for Xmas dinner, could DSS go for an hour so she could see him??????!!! My DH said he'll think about it, and he genuinely is. DSS grandparents live 30mins drive away, they don't drive, so I would have to drive him there, hang around in the car/mooch about with the dog round the streets (apparently it would be too awkward for thier DD for me to be there aswell) for and hour then drive him back?! I just feel it can't poss be fair on DSS for this woman to keep turning up when she feels like it, then not bothering when it's not an exciting time of year? We haven't mentioned it yet to DSS cos he's a lovely little thing and I know he'd be torn between wanting to stay and play with his new toys and baby siblings (he's a very doting big bro) or going and seeing his GPs as he knows they would love to have hm there, and he adores them, too! Aghhh!

Oh and all the driving is on top of cooking dinner for 12! Well done for getting this far, sorry if it doesn't make sense, and sorry for another Xmas day thread!!!!

ITP

OP posts:

aquafunf · 13/12/2011 15:06

in honesty, i think you need to say now and very clearly to GPS, sorry this isn't possible on christmas day due to our other commitments as a family. If you would like to choose another day over the break then we will do our best to accommodate.
from what you say, the gps are desperate for their daughter to want to see him, rather than her actually being bothered.
this trip would have an impact on all your children and in the circs is unreasonable and pretty short notice. also, of course, there is every chance that she wont show up.
decide quickly and stick to it- your ds (cos thats what he is) only has a few xmas left whilst he is so young, dont risk him remembering them for the wrong reasons

paddypoopants · 13/12/2011 15:11

This is a difficult situation and you sound like a really nice person. Would it be possible to do it on Boxing Day or Christmas Eve instead rather than disrupt your family's Christmas Day especially with 12 people at yours. It would be different if you were invited in and some of his siblings could go but if she really wants to see him I'm sure she could manage to stay an extra day with her parents.

fairimum · 13/12/2011 15:12

I would ask if he can go over on boxing day? seems a good compromise to me - still gets to see them/her, but doesn't disrupt your christmas.... if hse had made the effort to keep contact up then i think christmas day would be ok, but as she doesn't i think any other day but Xmas day would be a better option...

controlpantsandgladrags · 13/12/2011 15:14

I was also going to say you should suggest a christmas eve or boxing day visit instead

LydiaWickham · 13/12/2011 15:14

I just realised as well, you're cooking for 12, so you have a housefull of guests on Christmas day. So this plan means the host (and if your DH has been working until 2, you're going to be doing most of the hosting for the day) has to leave her housefull of guests for 2 or so hours (big chunk of the afternoon) to go see other grandparents?

Even more YANBU - tell DSS's DGP that you can't as you have guests. (Perfect excuse, not "I don't want too" but "I can't, I will have guests to look after.")

NotJustForClassic · 13/12/2011 15:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RitaMorgan · 13/12/2011 15:23

I don't think Christmas Day would be a good idea - it'll be an awful memory for DSS if she lets him down on a special family day. Offer Boxing Day or the 27th instead.

NeedAnXmasList · 13/12/2011 15:25

I was in a similar situation years ago - my DSD could go couple of years without seeing her bio-mother. When she was 11 we agreed that she could spend Xmas day at her grandparents (the mum's parents) who she didn't see all that much either - but she wanted to go.
It was a disaster - the mother was drunk and fawning all over DSD - about how much she missed her, but DSD was old enough to realise it was false. The present her bio-mother bought her was a dress - for a 7 year old!!!
Can you have any assurances that the bio-mum will actually turn up and if she does be sober?

pigletmania · 13/12/2011 15:27

YANBU at all, you are busy hosting 12 people on Christmas day, it would have to be on another day I am afraid, that is what you need to tell the GPs. They are the ones that want to see their grandson not their bio mother. It will have to be on your terms, their dd has not bothered for months. When you do go to them, yes them should invite you in, your are the one being the mum to her ds, and their grandson, they owe you that courtesy.

pigletmania · 13/12/2011 15:27

tough shit on the bio mum if she is uncomfortabe, why should it be all on her terms.

GoingForGoalWeight · 13/12/2011 15:33

YANBU - how lucky DSS is to have a loving Dad, Step Mum and loving GP in his life. I'd go to GP but state one hour only, as you have stuff going on at home to get back to.

This 'Mother' makes my blood boil - unfairly or not.

I can only imagine how your much this confuses DSS and hurts him. He might have feelings of abandonment as he ages.

I hope you enjoy the Christmas holidays

breatheslowly · 13/12/2011 15:37

YANBU - it just isn't practical and there isn't much you can do about that. And I also think YANBU about the inverted commas - it is very clear who is your DSS's mum, it takes a lot more than 7 visits a year to be a mother.

SnapesMistressofMerriment · 13/12/2011 16:18

Christmas eve or boxing day are good compromises. I would also want either myself or DH to be there just in case DSS gets upset or she acts innapropriatly.

CalamityKate · 13/12/2011 16:31

I'd suggest taking him over on Boxing Day, but leaving him for longer so that a) You can drive home in between trips rather than hanging about in the cold and b) She and his GP's see him for longer. He also then has, in effect, 2 Christmas days.

Original poster

Inthepotty · 13/12/2011 16:37

The not turning up or turning up drunk is obviously a big worry, I feel that GPS will really try get him excited about his 'mum' coming, so would be a big dissapointment to him if she didn't come. If she arrived under the influence her dad wouldn't let her in anyway. I trust them completely and they are very very lovely people who are obviously in a tough situation, of course it's hard to not instinctively support their daughter. I could suggest Xmas eve, we usually see them around then anyway as they give DSS and my other DCs Xmas gifts.

OP posts:

olibeansmummy · 13/12/2011 16:38

YANBU what will you do with your dds if your dh is working? If you do go ONLY go if you can go in. You can't be expected to sit in a cold car for an hour on Xmas day. If the mother won't agree to that, she's obviously not that bothered about your dss.

randommoment · 13/12/2011 16:42

That does sound like the best plan. Do you think you can persuade the GPS not to mention the possibility of her being there in case she either doesn't make it or turns up drunk?

SantasENormaSnob · 13/12/2011 16:47

Yanbu

Yanbu to use commas either, she is no mum. Biological maybe but nothing else.

MrsMcEnroe · 13/12/2011 16:49

YANBU at all, for all the reasons mentioned above. Bio mum doesn't just get to pick and choose when she sees her DS, and boo hoo that it might be awkward for her if you're there - you're raising her son for her, she should be throwing herself at your feet with gratitude. It does sound as though it's the GPs who want to see DSS on Xmas Day and you are too busy so I'd suggest Xmas Eve/ Boxing day instead, IF you feel it's fair on DSS. You sound lovely

UnexpectedOrangeInMyStocking · 13/12/2011 16:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyDogAteMyMincePies · 13/12/2011 17:04

I haven't got anything else to add that hasn't been said already, but if I were you I would look to adopt him (if you haven't already).

Thank god he has you in his life.

Oh YANBU BTW Hope it all works out ok

Original poster

Inthepotty · 14/12/2011 16:39

Just updating the thread with this- DH asked DSS what he thought about going to see him GPs on Xmas morning, DSS said he's not sure, wanted to help baby DD open her presents. (DH didn't mention bio-m). I've said it's too much of me running around like a blue arse fly on Xmas day, but I'll happily drop him off for Xmas eve- phoned GM to let her know, she rang her DD then rang back to say bio-m wont come on Xmas eve as she wants to out with new P for an Xmas drink, and they wont allow her to drink in the house. They're not even sure she'll turn up Xmas day. So I said it's her loss then sorry, I've offered a compramise. We will go and visit them on the morning of Xmas eve, so that they can spend some with DSS, and he can go the 27th for best part of the day, bio-mum can visit if she wants but theres to be no scene/fawning over DSS (he'd find this really uncomfortable). I do think in the new yr we are going to have to all have a chat about this arrangement, it's not fair on DSS to turn up when she feels like it, and TBH he's at an age where he wants to be off doing things on a weekend, not sat around waiting for her to turn up, or not! Thanks for all the advice.

OP posts:

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