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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fuck - I just uninvited my mum to my wedding

54 replies

toobilly · 13/12/2011 13:37

Me and DP are finally getting married.
Are DCs finally sat us down about a year ago and ordered us to get married.

DDs wanted to have proper dresses and DD1 really wanted to organise it (she is 16) so we aren't having the wedding we would have picked (jeans and registry office) but there we go and it means that others are involved.

Anyway.

My Mum has never liked DP (well me getting pg at 17 when he was 22 prob didn't help) but even now with 4 DCs and a 18 yr relationship she still doesn't like him. Everyone knows (including DCs and oldest two know the whole story) but we put up with it and she is perfectly nice to him if she is around ours - mainly for mine and DCs sake. But over the years she and DP have got better (not doing a runner like she said he would definatly went in his favour)

So met up with her today for coffee to talk about travel arrangements (memebers of my family are flying in for the wedding and peopl are putting them up collecting from airport etc)
Anyway as we were talking she reaches over and takes my hands in hers looks at me then says 'You know toobilly you could still stop this going ahead no one would think any less of you'
I stood up and told her if she felt like that then she could count herself as uninvited to the wedding. Then walked out of the cafe.

DP at work and don't really know how I'm going to play this one, because I just uninvited my Mum to my wedding (and don't know what DCS will do/say).

Shit - AIBU and over-reacting a tad?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/12/2011 14:09

x-post with OP

Why would your children sit you down and order you to get married anyway? If it didn't matter to you before, why would it now, regardless of what they said? If a wedding doesn't matter to you that much then I don't know why you're doing it either? Crossed wires all round perhaps? Confused

Original poster
toobilly · 13/12/2011 14:18

I don't know why they want their parents to be married, like the idea, want to go to a wedding, be involved in it,

It doesn't matter - we aren't people who need a piece of paper but it has come up before (surely in the majority of relationships esp with DCs it does) and we always figred we'd get around to it. We were going to after DC2 but then DP got a promotion, I got ill and then we got on with it all.
So i suppose the kids brought it up, we always figured we would at some point and actually if we are getting married with 4 DCs and they want to be involved then I have no problem with that, not going to say no to them it is one da. Me and DP as I said always figured we would and if the DCS will have a great time and if it means our families will get together and have a great knees up then why not do it this way. me and DP don't just see it as our thing - it should involve the DCs and I'm not going to take that away from them (esp when they want to)

OP posts:
QuintessentiallyFestive · 13/12/2011 14:21

This is unbelievable.

Your children sit you down and order you to get married. You dont ask why. You just give two teens a wedding to organize.

Your mum take your hand and say "you dont have to go through with this". You dont ask why and what she means. You just throw your rattles out of the pram and uninvite her to the wedding.

Do you usually go through life like a zombie?

Original poster
toobilly · 13/12/2011 14:29

Well we didn't just say - yes. when we asked what brought this up - they gave a bunch of answers but agreed that they didn't really know why - but the would like us to be married (sorry if i explained it first confusingly)
DD1 wanted to organise it - she likes doing things like that. We gave her a list, had veto everything and she had to bring everything to us to see what we liked (eg we gave her a option of colours. She went to florist and got what 4 idea for flowers brought them ho e and we picked. She asked where we gave a rough idea of what sort of place and price and she suggested 3 - booked appointments to look for us and then is doing seating chart for us, and helped pick food etc.)

no not zombies at all thanks :)

OP posts:
UnexpectedOrangeInMyStocking · 13/12/2011 14:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fuzzynavel · 13/12/2011 14:45

Can sort of see your point-ish OP but not sure I'd have reacted how you did, it was a bit over dramatic really. After all she is your mum and does have your best interests at heart.

GooseyLoosey · 13/12/2011 14:47

I understand why you were angry but do think you over-reacted with your mother a bit. However, only you know what your relationship is really like - if it is worth making a go of, ring her up and reinvite her and explain why you acted the way you did. If you don't invite her, it will make a family rift that will be hard to heal.

aldiwhore · 13/12/2011 14:48

YANBU toobilly but you would be if you used this instance to build an unbreakable wall between you. Phone her, ask to meet her, tell her that from this moment on she isn't to mention any negatives about your relationship, that you're proud of your relationship and that you want both her and your DH2B in your life.

If she doesn't apologise and/or agree you have a very hard decision to make.

YIBVU definitely, but it sounds like its her way of being there for you, she obviously doesn't like him, but I remember flying off the handle when MY mum said that it was never too late to leave my ex and that I could always stay with her. The fact that he was a grade A wanker is semantics really, he was the man I loved and she was thinking of me. She cares, but its time to draw a line and ask her to finally just accept you're together.

LydiaWickham · 13/12/2011 15:00

YANBU - after 18 years and 4 kids if she's still making snippy comments and can't at least pretend to be happy for you then she has no right to expect an invite.

The "it's not to late" line might be ok if you were 17 still, but at 33 with 4 DCs, then it is sort of 'too late' to decide you don't want to be committed to this man, she knows this and isn't saying "it's not too late" but saying "I don't like your DP and don't want him to be my son in law". It's not about you, it's not like you could just walk away and not share your life with this man, (you already have shared your adult life so far with him), but it's about her registering her displeasure in your choice and wrapping it in the veneer of caring about you.

OrmIrian · 13/12/2011 15:05

Just reinvite her.

Look, she doesn't like your DP. She isn't obliged to like him. And because (presumably) she loves and cares about you she is concerned for you. She is obviously wrong in your eyes but she felt she had to express that concern.

I think the jumping to your feet and renouncing her in public was a bit OTT. Good public entertainment for bystanders though ! Grin

Davsmum · 13/12/2011 15:12

I think your Mum, as well as not eve rliking your DP, may have picked up on you not making the decision to get married yourself ? As you say - its your children who want you to get married.
You know your Mum, you know she has never liked your DP so why would her comment bother you, unless you had doubts yourself ???

Before my wedding,.. on the very morning, once my Dad was alone with me, he said ' You don't have to do this you know ?'
He loved my fiance,.. but he DID pick up on my doubts, because he knew me & loved me. It was only when I divorced 12 years later, that I admitted to my Dad that I did have doubts on my wedding day !

OldeChestnut · 13/12/2011 15:22

You know toobilly you could still stop this going ahead no one would think any less of you'

thats just a mum looking out for her child. Maybe there are traits in him that you are blind to - how often do we read on here about a daughter/niece/sister who is married to a bad un but wont do anything about it and the advice is always be there for them. Maybe thats what your mum thinks she is doing.

Original poster
toobilly · 13/12/2011 16:04

I know Davs but me and DP wouldn't have agreed to unless we wanted to.
Doubts? - no, it's a piece of paper and a party to celebrate 18yrs together. there isn't a doublt in my mind, why would there be?
It bothered me because i have spent 18yrs of comments made about my choices and DP the fact she chose to say that after it all, bothered me I know i'm 33 and dont need my mums aproval but still her support would be nice.

olde my mums objections come from the whole when we were 17 and 22. The fact he 'isn't our sort' (my mums words) and she thinks he dragged me down (the fact I managed to go to uni at 19 seems lost on her)
Well - my dad loves him, my siblings love him and actually people generally love him. sure he has is faults but a bad'un ? nope.

OP posts:
CheerfulYank · 13/12/2011 16:13

A party sounds lovely, congratulations on your relationship and your upcoming wedding. :)

I think your mum IBU. My grandmother doesn't, or didn't like my mother for the same reason... a girl from "the wrong side of the tracks" who "got her hooks" into my dad when they were only sixteen, blah blah blah. My parents wanted to get married the second they turned 18, but their parents wouldn't hear of it until my mom turned up pregnant, and then they practically threw them down the aisle. :o Almost 33 years later they're still going strong, my brother and I are here, and my grandmother is still tut-tutting. There's just no pleasing some people.

icooksocks · 13/12/2011 16:25

My mum told me on the morning of my wedding that my DH had said he wasnt sure he wanted to go through with it-she said the look on my face for the split second before I called her a cowbag told her all she needed to know. I think maybe all mums want to check the marriage is the right thing.

plantsitter · 13/12/2011 16:30

My mum said roughly the same thing to me recently (I'm getting married in a week to the guy I have 2 kids under 3 with). I just rolled my eyes and bitched about her to my sister later.

I would ring your and say 'Of course you're invited if you want to come. Now can you keep your opinions to yourself, please?'. The end.

thebody · 13/12/2011 16:36

you havnt actually uninvited her though, just told her if she doesnt want to support you then she need not come along.

all a bit wierd after 4 kids and 18 years...

lovbe the fact that your kids are organising things, she will come round am sure just leave her to stew for a while.

congratulations and good luck.

cece · 13/12/2011 16:38

My dad repeatedly said the same thing for the entire journey to my wedding (in the wedding car). He then proceded to mutter it at me during the pre wedding photos. I think it is a standard discussion between parent and child prior to a wedding. Smile

At least your mum didn't wait till the actual wedding day.

Maryz · 13/12/2011 16:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TeWiharaMeriKirihimete · 13/12/2011 16:47

I don't think you should take it too personally - I think a lot of people feel like everyone should know they don't have to get married (even if they've been together for 18yrs and have 4 kids!), and I'm not sure she really meant it as personally as it sounds.

It's okay to be upset too, but maybe not to the extent of not letting her come to the wedding.

Congratulations, and hope this all gets resolved soon!

Matildarabbit · 13/12/2011 16:50

My dad took us on a detour in the wedding car to give me time to change my mind....and he really likes DH (even if he made him worry by being later than expected, it was a long detour across the moors). I think it might be what parents do, as he did the same for my sister.

purpleturtletoise · 13/12/2011 16:50

Whenever I've told friends in RL that my dad told me as we got in the car to go to the church that it wasn't too late to change my mind, they've gone Shock. But in the parallel universe that is MN it turns out to be perfectly normal. Grin

Matildarabbit · 13/12/2011 16:51

us = me,

sorry for bad English, I don't normally write as I talk, but I'm freezing and on loads o'pills

sue52 · 13/12/2011 16:55

When my daughter told me that she and her partner were getting married, one of the first things I said to her was "are you quite sure". It was because she taking a big step and I suppose I needed reassurance that she had properly thought things through. It didn't mean I had reservations about her choice of husband. Maybe that's all your Mum was doing.

MrsCarriePooter · 13/12/2011 16:59

Another one here - my mum asked me if I was quite sure the day before the wedding and that I could change my mind at any point. In her case though she was thinking of her sister - who knew, as she was walking up the aisle, that she was making a mistake but felt she had to go through with it.

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