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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...not to splurge this money on my OH?

31 replies

tigermoll · 13/12/2011 12:55

Another money thread, I'm afraid!

Briefly, my partner and I have v different approaches to money, - he earns a lot more than me, but his income varies wildly (he is self-employed, and so can go a few weeks/months without any money coming in at all, but then work for two months and be back in the black again) I have a steady-but-minimum wage job. We don't have any DCs or joint account/savings and split all household expenses totally down the middle.

I have recently had a large (three grand Smile) tax rebate. We are going on holiday in Feb, and I was planning to put 500 quid towards the holiday (my half) spend a further 500 on christmas, (including a few hundred on OH) and save the rest.

My partner thinks I'm being unreasonable, and that the money is 'free' and so can legitimately be spent on stuff, fun, nights out and luxuries. He has suggested more than once that we go away for a weekend in a hotel somewhere, named a few expensive restaurants we could go to, and pulls a slight face when I say 'sounds lovely, but I can't really afford it'.

The thing is, I know I am really uptight about money, - I have worked v hard to clear my debts over the past few years and I also have several long-term things I want to do (such as continue my studies and go travelling) and regard this money as a boost to those chances.

My partner is hugely generous, - when he has money he likes to spend it straight away and has bought me extravagant gifts and taken me away to posh hotels in the past when the living was easy. That was all lovely, but not something I ever expected/asked for.

So: AIBU not to take this opportunity to 'treat' him back? He loves luxury and extravagance (it makes me uncomfortable) and would love a bit of spoiling. But then the money will be gone [tight face] What should I do?

OP posts:
DoesNotGiveAFig · 13/12/2011 12:59

YANBU - Your money and your choice how to spend it.

Catsdontcare · 13/12/2011 13:00

Hmm I think you are being a bit unreasonable and there is room for compromise here. I think if you've been happy to enjoy the fruits of his labour in the past and have accepted his generosity then you should reciprocate a little. To be honest you sound a little tight!

Original poster
tigermoll · 13/12/2011 13:05

I think if you've been happy to enjoy the fruits of his labour in the past and have accepted his generosity then you should reciprocate a little. To be honest you sound a little tight!

I think, if I'm honest, maybe I am a little tight.....

And I agree with you about enjoying the fruits of his generosity, but its not as b&w as that, - if he says 'I'd like to take you out for dinner, my treat' and then we go somewhere really posh, does that mean that I then OWE him an expensive meal in return? Are my two options a) either say 'No, darling, because I can't afford that' (in which case he would say 'don't be daft, I'm paying') and then REFUSE to go with him, or b) pay for something equally extravagant?

OP posts:
Original poster
tigermoll · 13/12/2011 13:07

....ditto expensive gifts, - if he presents me with a lovely bracelet or something, do I then say 'I can't accept this, take it back and get me something from Clare's accessories instead'? That would be pretty hurtful for him to be always getting rebuffed. But do I then have to buy him something equally grand?

OP posts:
aldiwhore · 13/12/2011 13:11

Why not compromise, go away for a weekend instead of spending £100's on him for Christmas, if that's what he wants?

All money in our house is ours. DH's wages are ours not his, I am a SAHM and that was OUR choice as parents (and one I'm glad we were able to make) but it came with a sacrfice of my potential earnings, again our choice. When my Granny died I inherited £12K, again it was OURS to decide what to do with. MY tax rebate is again ours. At the very most the person who's account its in has slightly more sway in any discussion regarding big expenditures, but usually nothing is spent until we're in full agreement.

It works very well. Spend £500 on the holiday, spend a little more at Christmas, have that weekend away guilt free, and if you're 'only' saving £1000 its still a healthy amount. Everyone happy.

Joby1970 · 13/12/2011 13:11

Money is the thing that most couples argue about. What you really need to do is sit him down & have the MONEY CONVERSATION. it isn't so much about the tax money you have at the moment but about both of your attitudes to moeny & how they differ. try to do it in an non accusatory way. So that you both understand you are coming from different places - then find (hopefully) a comprimise.

samandi · 13/12/2011 13:13

I don't see why you can't treat him (and yourself) to a nice meal or something and still have plenty to save for the future. But then it certainly sounds as though you are planning to treat him at Christmas (hundreds of pounds??). It's absurd to spend it all anyway.

samandi · 13/12/2011 13:14

It's pretty poor for him to be suggesting you spend the money on him though.

Original poster
tigermoll · 13/12/2011 13:15

Spend £500 on the holiday, spend a little more at Christmas, have that weekend away guilt free, and if you're 'only' saving £1000 its still a healthy amount. Everyone happy.

Spend....a THOUSAND POUNDS????? GUILT FREE???!! Impossible!
I couldn't save that much in a year!

OP posts:
irregularegular · 13/12/2011 13:21

No, YANBU. If you are earning a low wage now and in the forseeable future, and money is generally tight, then it doesn't make any sense to fritter away money on extravagances just because you've had a small windfall. They are not even extravagances you would particularly relish by the sound of it. You say you've got plans for the future for this money and I think you should stick to your guns.

Buy him a nice Christmas present and leave it at that. You've never demanded that he buy you treats, that's up to him.

Catsdontcare · 13/12/2011 13:23

I guess it's difficult, dh and I don't have our own money it's all in one pot so to speak. I'm not suggesting you piss it all away but maybe have a small splurge that you both benefit from

Original poster
tigermoll · 13/12/2011 13:25

They are not even extravagances you would particularly relish by the sound of it.

That is another good point....spending too much money (even when its his) makes me uncomfortable. I am itching to tell him to get an ISA, start saving, etc, especially when he's in a flush period, but Ive always resisted. When we go on this holiday, we're already slightly-fighting about how exactly it will pan out. I am talking about beach huts and backpacking, he is excited about luxury hotels and room service. (God, I'm a tight cow....Smile)

OP posts:
Inertia · 13/12/2011 13:28

I would put the vast majority of it away in an Isa , because a) it's not unknown for tax rebates to be paid in error then reclaimed, and b) if there's no way you could save 1000 in a year then you need a rainy day fund.

Could you maybe put a couple of hundred aside for a special day trip / theatre visit etc on holiday?

RumourOfAHurricane · 13/12/2011 13:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

QuintessentiallyFestive · 13/12/2011 13:32

No, yanbu. It is not free money. You have overpaid your tax!

He has to understand that you are in a minimum wage job, your salary is small and steady, and you want to put some money aside for further study which can better your salary position in the future. He should not expect you to splash out.

This would be equivalent of you saving 230 per month from your tiny salary towards splashing out on restaurants and posh hotels for the two of you once a year.

You already split your bills down the middle, then HE should equally save £230 per month for the same and you should pool it together! (not saying this would be sensible, it is just that your tax rebate is equivalent to you saving a set amount per month)

QuintessentiallyFestive · 13/12/2011 13:34

Another thought, if you for some reason is landed with a huge tax bill next year, if they again find that they have miscalculated, who will pay the bill? You? Him? Both of you?

5Foot5 · 13/12/2011 13:35

If this were me, I'd be treating him.

But the OP said she would spend a further 500 on christmas, (including a few hundred on OH)

A few hundred buys a very decent Christmas present so I think she is treating him.

YANBU in my opinion bit very sensible with this windfall.

NotJustForClassic · 13/12/2011 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
tigermoll · 13/12/2011 13:38

who will pay the bill? You? Him? Both of you?

It would be me who was responsible. Although, to be totally fair to him, I'm sure that if he knew I was struggling to pay off a huge tax bill, he would probably end up paying for more of the shopping, saying don't worry about it' for small expenses and stuff like that.

OP posts:
minciepie · 13/12/2011 13:40

You do sound mismatched financially. I am with you though - I am a saver not a spender, all the way.

It's entirely your money (you are not married and have no DCs) and you can spend/save it as you wish. He shouldn't expect you to spend your money on him - regardless of what he's spent his on in the past. Otherwise he is basically guilt tripping you into becoming a spender just like him.

That said, in future you should probably stop accepting his treats, if you don't intend to reciprocate...!

Lifebeginsatforty · 13/12/2011 13:40

I'm totally with you on this tigermoll. Spending £500 on treats and luxuries for the both of you would be nice, but then in your shoes I would definitely save the rest. Is there something special that you could splurge on that would last long term rather than a meal or night away, like a new sofa or something?

But it really does sound as if you need to sit down together and discuss finances properly. How can you plan any sort of future together if you will have savings and can fulfil your dreams, and he ends up with nothing? Does he at the very least have a proper pension?

Original poster
tigermoll · 13/12/2011 13:44

Does he at the very least have a proper pension?

HaHaHaHahahahahahaha.

Ah.......hoo dear. You crack me up, Lifebegins. Smile

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 13/12/2011 13:44

YANBU. Perhaps he enjoys being in debt. Doesn't mean you have to.

ATruthFestivelyAcknowledged · 13/12/2011 13:46

If you want to treat him, there are often good deals for hotels and spas on groupon (and he need never know it didn't cost so much as usual!)

diddl · 13/12/2011 13:49

I´d have to save some of it.

The thought of just blowing three grand-makes me feel a bit queasy tbhBlush

I know that you "can´t take it with you", but i do like toi have a "safety net" if possible!

Thank goodness my husband feels the same way!

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