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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DGM has dementia - AIBU to take my toddler on visits to care home? (long, sorry)

33 replies

blondieminx · 12/12/2011 21:17

DH's Grandma with fairly advanced dementia has been in a home for the past week and will be in for the forseeable while Grandpa recovers from major surgery/undergoes further treatment for cancer. We (me, DH and 23m DD) all went to visit yesterday. Grandma LOVES babies and we're one of the few family members she hasn't "lost" in the last year.

She lit up when she saw DD and so did most of the other ladies in the lounge at the care home. One of the ladies had been slumped in her chair looking really zoned out - till she caught sight of DD.

The home comes with good recommendations but yesterday there was one man wandering up and down the corridor in his pajamas gabbling and invading some people's personal space rather (bit scary for an adult let alone a toddler). DH also spotted another lady exhibiting "difficult" behaviour (trying to undress herself) on his first visit.

So I am torn - I want to keep DD out the way of the more erm, tricky residents but don't want to deprive Grandma of seeing her much loved granndaughter, and on top of that I'm not sure the care home is the most stimulating toddler friendly environment (but she's very well behaved, and will happily play with cars/stickers or happyland stuff and obviously I keep a very close eye on her).

So, AIBU to expect DD to spend 30 mins or so a week visiting her grandma, or am I being a bad mummy to let her see dementia patients so regularly? Talk some sense into me please....

OP posts:

Catsdontcare · 12/12/2011 21:19

I think you should continue to take for as long as she seems happy to be there.

CMOTdibbler · 12/12/2011 21:20

She'll be fine - toddlers expectations of peoples behaviour is very different from ours for a start !

squeakytoy · 12/12/2011 21:21

She will be fine. My dad used to take me to see his grandma when she was in a residential care home for the last few years of her life. (She lived to be 104), so there were a lot of residents in varying stages of dementia there. It had absolutely no bad effects on me at all. I went with him from the age of 2 until I was about 5, and made "friends" with a few of the old dears.

Young kids are rarely fazed by "odd" behaviour in the elderly, and are much less concerned about it than older children or teens would be if they have never been exposed to it before.

You really dont have anything to worry about at all.

AriesWithBellsOn · 12/12/2011 21:22

IME almost nothing lights up an old person with dementia more than young children and babies. I would continue taking her. Young children take a lot of things well within their stride.

Meglet · 12/12/2011 21:22

Take her. I used to visit my Nan in a psychiatric hospital when I was a kid. Bit boring and weird sometimes but lots of room to wander around.

Beamur · 12/12/2011 21:22

It will probably be a delight for the residents to see your DD.

BarkisIsWillin · 12/12/2011 21:23

As long as you are there to look out for her, and remove her from any dodgy situation, you dd will be fine. She will bring joy to the care home. I brought my ds regularly from 18 months to visit my dm and faces used to light up to see him. My dm had dementia and every time she saw ds she used to say 'and who is this lovely boy?' It broke my heart every time but everyone else benefitted and he certainly didn't suffer any ill effects.

auntpetunia · 12/12/2011 21:24

Your DD is 23 months she won't notice the adults being "odd" she will just be happy to have lots of lovely old ladies cooing over her. I speak from experience my neices are 4 and 2 and they visit my mum in her care home regularly, mum has dementia as do lots of the ladies/gents. The kids love the attention they get and often perform their latest tricks, eg, songs from school etc to huge applause. The more often she goes the more normal it becomes for her. Please don't deprive your DGM of her Granddaughter when it obviously makes her so happy.

Sarsaparilllla · 12/12/2011 21:25

I think she'll be less botherd by what you view as odd behaviour than you will, and I think it would be a shame for your DH's Grandma not to see her, I don't think you should worry, it's fine :)

pud1 · 12/12/2011 21:27

I take my dds aged 2 and 3 to see oh's nan about once a fortnight and have done for the last year. Most of the residents love to see them. I think it's nice for them to see little ones full of life. They don't seam to notice the odd behaviour. When ever we go all they seam to care about is the biscuits the staff giv them.

PrettyCandlesAndTinselToo · 12/12/2011 21:27

YANBU at all. Please continue taking her to visit her dggm - you are brining such light and joy to many elderly people by doing so.

Your dd will be perfectly safe with you keeping an eye on her.

Haberdashery · 12/12/2011 21:34

Would agree with everyone else. I think children are very accepting of strange behaviour - and most two year olds are pretty keen on taking their own clothes off so unlikely to mind anyone else doing so! I used to take my DD to see her dad's grandma at a similar age and it was lovely to see the faces of the residents when they spotted her. She ran about and had a great time being spoilt and cooed over and kissed and given biscuits. I think she probably made some of them really happy. As long as you're around to spot anything that might get out of hand I think it's really absolutely fine. You could ask the staff to give you a heads up about any residents that might be tricky so you can keep a slightly closer eye on her if you are concerned. DH's grandma died when DD was about two and a half but DD still remembers her more than two years later. They were very fond of each other.

oreocrumbs · 12/12/2011 21:36

I have just started to take my DD to see my DGF in his nursing home (all residents have advanced dementia). I put off taking her as I was worried about the other residents and what may happen. I wish I had taken her before, the effect she has on my DGF is wonderful, he has no idea who my mother and I are but DD has made a lasting impression! All the other residents are very good with her. They all love seeing her. There is one lady who is a bit ott with children, but the staff know this and if she is in the lounge when we are there they loiter around and keep her distracted and there have been no problems.

If any of the residents did something like removing clothes as long as you don't react in a way to highlight the event your DD probably won't notice, children don't have the same grasp of social norms as us, and the event will pass her by.

If your DD is anything like mine, any chance to be the centre of attention from a room full of 'Grandparents' is no bad thing

FabbyChic · 12/12/2011 21:37

I think you should continue to take her, she won't notice the difficult residents, or those that exhibit odd behaviour.

Its a lovely thing to do for your grandma and if it makes her feel good and you like going why not?

TheOriginalFAB · 12/12/2011 21:38

My feeling is that any perceived concerns about your baby being around different people (she will be totally fine by the way ) are worth it for the pleasure you are bringing to your DGM and all the other residents - some of whom won't have a relative to visit and may come to look forward to seeing your baby as much as your DGM.

ChocolateIsAFoodGroup · 12/12/2011 21:39

I take DD (20 months) and DS (if he's not at school - holidays and so forth) 4.5 to visit an old people's residential home once a month.

It's the only volunteer thing I do at the moment (a whole bunch of us go) and you should see what joy it brings the residents.

And yes, I've had to answer some of DS's questions about it as he's older now and notices stuff more. But please - GO! - it's wonderful for your DGM and great for your daughter to get the sense that we take care of each other in this society (well, that we should take care of each other....)

al88 · 12/12/2011 21:40

I think she'll be fine.

I had reservations about taking my DDs to visit MIL when she was in hospital with cancer, mainly about them seeing their Nanny so unwell. Whilst we were there the woman in the opposite bed stripped naked, got out of bed and started shouting. We decided it was a good time to leave. On our way to the car we asked our older (3 at the time) DD about it. She just thought it was quite funny really.

I don't want to be all over-dramatic about it, but I was really glad we'd taken them, as it turned out to be one of the last times they saw her. I think young kids won't be adversely affected by some of these things as they don't understand enough about it, and, in our case, my MIL needed something that made her happy, and my DDs were happy to see her.

marriedandwreathedinholly · 12/12/2011 21:41

If your DGM remembers you and dd then carry on going. When our ds was a toddler my dgm was way beyond that stage and ds was chronically asthmatic and to my mother's annoyance I wouldn't take him because I was so concerned about him picking up potential infections. My mother was very angry but dgm didn't know who he was - or me for that matter but that didn't stop me going.

Filofax · 12/12/2011 21:43

I used to do this. That is take my 24m DS to see my gran. I stopped taking my older DS as he was becoming more aware and I thought it may confuse and disturb him. My youngest went around the day room and shook everyone's hand on one visit, the residents were tickled pink. You will know if and when to draw your visits with your little one to an end. Be happy this lady has had fun visits from her great grandchild.

Panda1234 · 12/12/2011 21:43

If the actions of other residents are a worry, then consider taking your granny on a walk around the grounds - which is a good idea if your DC gets bored too. I used to work in a home and it was routine for relatives to take residents' out. Obviously that depends on how well your relative is, though.

Alternatively, most homes have a dining room or other area that you can go to if your toddler is freaked or needs more space than the lounge will allow. Or you could go to your GP's room.

It's probably better your toddler grows up knowing what old age can be like, otherwise they'll get a massive shock later on or think that old people with mental health problems are something to be ashamed of.

maybenow · 12/12/2011 21:44

i don't think a 23mo old will even notice how oddly some of the residents are behaving - she doesn't have your expectations of older people. also, it freaks us out because it reminds us that we'll be old one day, she won't think about that at all.

i would keep taking her but obviously keep her close to you while you're there.

Sirzy · 12/12/2011 21:47

Take her, it won't do her any harm and will make your DGM and other residents so happy to see :)

If it helps my Dad worked with people with Dementia and from a very young age we used to visit him at work and far from having a negative effect on my I have lovely memories of going onto the ward especially at christmas time.

Blatherskite · 12/12/2011 21:54

We admittedly only did it 2/3 times a year but when I was back in my hometown, I always took DS and eventually DD in to see my Grandad in the care home. He and most of the other residents had Dementia but they all seemed to really enjoy our visits.

The residents all seemed to love sneaking the children biscuits which they thought was fantastic and Grandad remembered my Son for a lot longer than he remembered who I was. He had pictures of DS in his room next to the ones of my late Grandma.

Grandad is dead now but if I had to do it all over again, the only think I'd change is that we would visit more often. It brought such joy to everyone.

firesoup · 12/12/2011 22:02

I used to take my ds (2) to see my aunt in a care home for people with dementia with no problems at al. There were a few people in there who if im honest I did make sure we kept a distance from as i wasnt confident I couild predic their behaviour, but he had no idea of this. He used to join in with the music sessions often dancin in the middle of the lounge and going round yabbering to some of the old ladies. I totally agree about seeing some of them really perk up in his company, it was lovely. Sadly we don't go anymore due to losing my aunt earlier in the year but i have no regrets about taking him in there.

wigglesrock · 12/12/2011 22:07

I take my baby 10 months and my 4 year old with me to visit my grandmother in her residential home. The 4 year old doesn't come as often now as she is in nursery but she would have visited with me fairly regularly. She used to sing a song, count out loud, and learn a few very old nursery rhymes and palm a few sweets off the residennts.

Like other posters my granny has a few photos of the girls in her room and it seems to give her a little more of a bond with us. I have a 6 year old and while she visited when she was younger, she doesn't like going at all now, she finds it very sad.

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