Bullying.

[SpottyPants]

I have name changed as I'm worried that it may have repercussions for DS if I am 'outed'.

I would be very grateful for any opinions, positive or negative, about this situation. I can't seem to get things clear in my head and I'm concerned that people in RL will think badly of us both if I take it further.

DS (9) is generally a very kind and loving boy. I know this will be no suprise coming from his mum, however friends, family and DS's school have always commented on how considerate and thoughtful he is. He's also very shy and tends to stick with three or four good friends in the playground.

When I collected DS from school this afternoon, he seemed unusually subdued. Eventually he told me that there had been an incident at school but that he didn't feel brave enough to talk about it with me. By this time I'm beginning to worry that something big had happened. I told him that he could talk to me whenever he felt ready to (while secretly panicing).

I didn't have to wait long. As soon as we got home, DS broke down in tears and has more or less been sobbing uncontrollably since. Apparently, DS and another two boys were caught in what appeared to be a bullying incident and have been sent to the Headmaster's office in the afternoon.

DS was truly frightened by the whole experience. He cried and cried and eventually wet himself - which again was a first for him.

I have very strong views on bullying. I believe that DS should have been dealt with in a way which he will never forget if indeed he was being a bully and I fully support the school in their actions. However, DS is absolutely adamant that although he was playing near to the incident, he was not involved.

I know this sounds unreasonable, but since the beginning of term, a particular teaching assistant appears to be paying a lot of attention to DS. DS's teacher has telephoned me three times and each time it has been because of something that the teaching assistant has reported to her. Each incident has proved to be unfounded. Today, once again, it appears that it was the TA that hauled the boys in front of the HM. Apparently another boy was involved but he ran off and did not get into trouble.

I really don't know what to do. The TA seems to be very well liked within the school. I really want to ask if she has an issue with DS, but I know that I would appear to be completely irrational and just an over protective, 'my-son-would-never-do-that' kind of parent if I did. At the same time, I really, really want to protect DS and understand the reasons why this is happening. I know my DS isn't always going to be perfect, but at the same time I KNOW that he wouldn't have pinned somebody to the floor and punched them, as was claimed today.

I'm also frightened about making an unsubstantiated claim about a TA when this could affect her career, but I can't understand why he appears to be singled out by her. I am disappointed that the school have not informed me about any of this. I would have liked the opportunity to have a balanced view on what happened from the school, I need all the facts so that I can discuss an issue as serious as bullying with DS. He was extremely upset at school, something terrible happened to another little boy and I have been left in the dark and unable to deal with this without the facts.

Please believe me when I say that I am in no way under any illusion that DS is an angel, but my instincts tell me that he just isn't a physically violent boy. It terrifies me to think that I am sending him to school tomorrow where an adult seems to be negative towards him and he can't really stick up for himself.

Oh dear, I have tried to make this post sound rational, but I think I may have failed.

You are the only person who can stick up for your son. Forget being a 'friend' to the teachers or other staff at the school. You are not there to be a friend and an easy mum - you are there to fight for your son's interests.

If you truely believe there is something going on then you should protect your son and say so.

Why do you care what they think of you?

You need to have a meeting with all teachers concerned in the first instance. Do not be afraid to voice any of your concerns about anyone or anything at school. Find out the facts first. I believe you when you say you do not believe your son to be an angel. But, there is the chance your DS is easily influenced and may have been afraid to not join in the bullying at some level. Is DS being bullied too? Is DS frightened of the other boys involved?

You must be worrying and hurting too.

Good luck :)

I would want to take this further by arranging a meeting at the school to try and find out what really happened.

However, if I were you, I would focus on how upset your DS was and your desire to get to the bottom of this specific incident, rather than accuse the TA of any ulterior motives at this stage. I think you may lose credibility if you start accusing her.

Then if you get another phone call from DS's teacher when the TA's name is mentioned you could refer back to this incident and ask 'does this TA have a problem with my DS?'.

Good question, Pingu. I think I am more concerned that by raising this as an issue I will be alienating my son within the school. It's a small school and I would expect the teachers, etc. to support their colleague, which may change their views on DS. DS has always got on very well at the school, from Reception 'til now. Also, I am very worried about making unfounded allegations against somebody and the impact this may have.

Thank you, Going and MrsPepper. It's so hard as I need to support DS but I can't seem to think logically and I don't want to get it wrong. I don't believe that DS is being bullied, but I know for a fact that there is a lot of boistrous (sp?) boys within DS's pier group. I also know that he's now at an age where it's important for kids to be seen to be 'cool' or 'funny' amongst themselves and he would probably give into these pressures. I just wish the school could have contacted me so that I could have had some perspective on this. Thanks again for your replies .

does your son normally over react like this? as how he reacted based on what he told you, seems out of sorts to me for a boy his age. This would either make me believe he has been treated in a very frightening manner by either the TA or the HT, or he was involved in this, knew it was wrong but somehow felt it was out of his control, maybe bullied into the involvment him self.

I would have a really good chat with your ds to get a picture of everything that happened and make sure he understands why this is important as either he has been treated unjust or someone has been hurt as a result of his actions and either way you need to know what has happened so you can support him. I would actually go as far as telling him you will not punish him if her has been involved. Its so important he feels he can be truethfull with you regardless of what has gone on.

then call and ask for a meeting with the HT and maybe the HT needs to speak to all the kids involved individually and then have a meeting with them all together to ascertain what happened. Based on your sons reaction, in your situation I would want to get to the bottom of why he was so distressed by this. I would be really worried about his reaction.

I dont think it matters if you have got it wrong, something ugly has happened your ds is distressed and you need to understand what has been going on.

I feel for you SpottyPants. I am sure the best approach is to contact school for a meeting first.

Is it not the norm for a school to contact parents in cases like this? To pin another child to the floor and punch them (as was claimed). I would expect to be called to school as the parent of a child who had done this or the parent of a child that this was done to.

I am sure this is very worring for you.

I think I would ask for a meeting with the school, and at some point during it say that this particular TA has previously made 3(!) unfounded allegations about your DC. That's a lot! If I were the head that would make me think!

i hope your ds is ok, reading how he reacted as really upset me on his behalf,

go talk to the school and find out what happened word for word, and then make you own mind up on what happend,

xx

I too think you should bring this up with the head tomorrow if poss..

If your son was called in to the office this afternoon, i cannot understand why it wasn't mentioned by a member of staff at pick up time.. Even if further investigations are to take place tomorrow, the school should have informed you of the facts so far, if nothing else so that you were aware of the situation when you discussed it with DS at home.

I have been in a similar position, so i completely understand you when you say that he appears to be singled out by her, and the fact that previous accusations proved to be unfounded, backs up your feelings.

Definitely go in tomorrow morning, not with all guns blazing, but to gather the facts from the schools perspective, and take it from there.

Stand by your son, it's awful that he's so devastated, it sounds like he may also be in with the 'wrong crowd' and being tarred with the same brush.

Trust your instincts and Good luck!

If I were you I would be furious with this TA - go to the school tomorrow and get this sorted and don't worry about her, she is being totally unprofessional and you need to do something about this

I am mad at her on your behalf! X

The way I usually deal with it with my DD if I'm not sure about her version of events is to say "I think I should have a word with the teacher about this - do you think that would help?".

Sometimes she'll say no, and I then get a different version, and we can talk it through. Occasionally she has wanted me to raise a matter of unfairness or relations with other children.

I think as this is seems to be an issue which is developing, and not going away, you should try speaking to your son again when he is calmer to try to get to the bottom of it. He needs to know you will always support him, or if he is in the wrong, you will help him to manage things in a better way. Either way, he needs to know he can always talk to you.

But it does rather sound like you need to have a discussion with the teacher and the assistant - without making any accusations about the assistant until you have heard what they have to say first. There may be more to this than your son either realises, or feels comfortable telling you.

I wouldn't go to the HT first. I'd leave that as a backstop if you feel it can't be resolved any other way. If there is a problem developing I have always found teachers to be grateful for your interest, and in particular your willingness to play your part in resolving it.

The most important thing, whether it is your child involved in bullying, or being bullied, is to remember that the children involved are just children. They are just learning how to get along, just like they have to learn everything else. Making mistakes is part of that process.

Your son sounds like a lovely, sensitive little boy who is a thinker and takes things to heart. That's no bad thing!

It does seem to be a very strong reaction from your boy - he sounds traumatised by the incident. Whatever it was.

I don't think you need to worry about feelings here re the staff, more the facts. YOu need to know exactly what happened and what the allegations are. I don't think it would be seen as petty to flag up that the same TA has been involved - if she is a professional she will also be aware that she is involved in a fair few allegations re your son. If the school are being professional, they too would have noted that she is central to the allegations. It follows that you would have noticed it too and would want to examine that aspect of it. You would not be accusing her to flag it up, you would be exploring this aspect of the allegations against your son - you obviously want to turn over every stone, investigate every aspect of it. Which includes the TA's involvement.

I also have a sensitive, sweet-natured son... who unfortunately became quite a bully at one stage. It was a shock, to be sure, but learning this lesson early in his life put him on the right track. Bullying is not hard to do, it is close to our base nature (if you like) and not surprising that a child can succomb to it. If the staff are being professional about the incident/s, they will have had the required training about how to handle it. As tempting as it is to withold him from school tomorrow morning, I would let him go... and make a beeline for the head's office after he is dropped off. Strike while the iron's hot and all that.

Thank you everybody! You have made me feel a whole lot better by confirming that the situation was not right. If the school don't let me know that DS has been involved in bullying, then I struggle to discuss it at home with him. I really do want to support the school in this. DS is sleeping now but I have never known him to be so upset after school before, which is why I am suprised the school didn't mention anything to me. I'm there at drop off and pick up times and always at the end of the 'phone, so plenty of opportunity to let me know.

As for the TA, I am trying hard to think whether maybe I have said or done something to offend her that could have her angry but although she has lots of contact with DS, I hardly see her myself. I can't understand why she would feel strongly towards DS, but I will investigate and update if and when this gets resolved.

Let us know how you get on :)

I really wouldn't waste time wondering if you've done anything to offend her, even if you were the mouthiest mum in the world, which you most definitely don't appear to be .. That still wouldn't be a justifiable reason for wrongly accusing your DS.

Please let us know how it goes..

Hang on a moment OP...

This TA broke up a fight where a little boy had been pinned to the ground and punched in the stomach and you think they are being unprofessional because your son (who WAS watching the fight) got into trouble?!

You said that you hope if he was involved he would be taught a lesson he wouldn't forget. Well, it sounds like that happened.

Kids fight at school and other kids stand around and watch. It happens all the time (not nice but it does happen). I think thats what happened here and the Head made no bones about fighting and bullying not being condoned whether a child actively takes part or watches for fun. This is most probably what upset your son not what he saw. He wasn't next to a fight playing "nicely".

Actually this is the second thread where someone has said their kid just happened to be in the vicinity of a bullying incident but that they were totally innocent. I think it's good that your sons school came down so hard on everyone involved. I'm sure if your son was held down and punched in the stomach you would you would be f*cking raging that the kids who stood around watching weren't tackled for their behaviour also.

And on that note I wonder how the little boy who was attacked is feeling right now and how his mum is coping knowing her son was violently assaulted at school?

I don't know why your son wet himself but he wasn't the one getting the sh*t punched out of him in a fight the TA broke up. Just a thought...

Your only concern here is your child, nobody else not some jumped up TA whose arse your son does not lick.

Stand up for your boy and what you believe is right and frankly love, fuck every body else, becuase all that matters is your son.

THe school should have called you, talked to you.

They haven't. Go forth and give em hell.

OP has never said her son was totally innocent . OP is about to go on a fact finding mission. Please do same and read OP again monkey

Monkey, I dont think OP is saying her son was inocently playing did she? thaty is what her son said. OP is looking for advice as to how to handle this based on the TAs past history of not dealing with things properly and secondly based on her sons reaction, as she is clearly aware she does not have the full picture either way.

If the incident is as serious as it appears to be, I think you will hear from the school before long to discuss your son's involvement in it. If you don't get called in, I would question why things happened that made him so upset tbh. I would also be minded to formally note the three incidents the ta has raised that have appeared to be unfounded.

Just a thought - but is there any cctv in the playground that might have captured the incident? If there is that should soon sort out the sheep from the goats.

Keep a diary from now, log everything, phone calls, time, content of conversation, time, dates.

I bet that you have a very poor name in your school Fabbychic. Yesterday you thought teaching was 'just a job' and now you are being very abusive about people and a situation that you haven't a clue about. I would suggest that if you ever want to do the best for you DC you start with a friendly, polite word. It will get you far- your attitude will set everyone's back up and make you the staffroom joke-not something I would do. You will be the person to avoid. Edication should be a home/school partnership.

Advice to OP is to pop in tomorrow morning and politely have a word, find out what happened and take it from there-in a friendly manner.

cctv? In a primary school playground? I have never heard of it.