Bullying.

[SpottyPants]

I have name changed as I'm worried that it may have repercussions for DS if I am 'outed'.

I would be very grateful for any opinions, positive or negative, about this situation. I can't seem to get things clear in my head and I'm concerned that people in RL will think badly of us both if I take it further.

DS (9) is generally a very kind and loving boy. I know this will be no suprise coming from his mum, however friends, family and DS's school have always commented on how considerate and thoughtful he is. He's also very shy and tends to stick with three or four good friends in the playground.

When I collected DS from school this afternoon, he seemed unusually subdued. Eventually he told me that there had been an incident at school but that he didn't feel brave enough to talk about it with me. By this time I'm beginning to worry that something big had happened. I told him that he could talk to me whenever he felt ready to (while secretly panicing).

I didn't have to wait long. As soon as we got home, DS broke down in tears and has more or less been sobbing uncontrollably since. Apparently, DS and another two boys were caught in what appeared to be a bullying incident and have been sent to the Headmaster's office in the afternoon.

DS was truly frightened by the whole experience. He cried and cried and eventually wet himself - which again was a first for him.

I have very strong views on bullying. I believe that DS should have been dealt with in a way which he will never forget if indeed he was being a bully and I fully support the school in their actions. However, DS is absolutely adamant that although he was playing near to the incident, he was not involved.

I know this sounds unreasonable, but since the beginning of term, a particular teaching assistant appears to be paying a lot of attention to DS. DS's teacher has telephoned me three times and each time it has been because of something that the teaching assistant has reported to her. Each incident has proved to be unfounded. Today, once again, it appears that it was the TA that hauled the boys in front of the HM. Apparently another boy was involved but he ran off and did not get into trouble.

I really don't know what to do. The TA seems to be very well liked within the school. I really want to ask if she has an issue with DS, but I know that I would appear to be completely irrational and just an over protective, 'my-son-would-never-do-that' kind of parent if I did. At the same time, I really, really want to protect DS and understand the reasons why this is happening. I know my DS isn't always going to be perfect, but at the same time I KNOW that he wouldn't have pinned somebody to the floor and punched them, as was claimed today.

I'm also frightened about making an unsubstantiated claim about a TA when this could affect her career, but I can't understand why he appears to be singled out by her. I am disappointed that the school have not informed me about any of this. I would have liked the opportunity to have a balanced view on what happened from the school, I need all the facts so that I can discuss an issue as serious as bullying with DS. He was extremely upset at school, something terrible happened to another little boy and I have been left in the dark and unable to deal with this without the facts.

Please believe me when I say that I am in no way under any illusion that DS is an angel, but my instincts tell me that he just isn't a physically violent boy. It terrifies me to think that I am sending him to school tomorrow where an adult seems to be negative towards him and he can't really stick up for himself.

Oh dear, I have tried to make this post sound rational, but I think I may have failed.

All you need to do is repeat your OP to the Head.

Our DC went to a cofe primary in London. The cctv was installed to monitor trespassers on school property. I believe the odd syringe was found in the graden area

Oh don't groan! The OP is upset because her son got told off at school. I just think the kid who was attacked and his mother are probably the ones with the real grievance.

There is no suggestion in the OP that the TA hasn't dealt with her son properly in the past. The school haven't told her about this instance but I'm hoping they will!

I just don't get the sympathy for her son on this thread which is titled BULLYING but no mention of the boy who was the victim. It seems the OP is under the impression that her son is the victim. His reaction does seem over the top but as mentioned he is sensitive - could this be why he was so upset at being told off?

Spotty - investigate, yes but you need to be open to the possibility that your son was involved even if it was just watching. The school has done the right thing, they just need to have a word with you about it now. I don't think the TA can be blamed in anyway on this occasion. If you have an issue with them generally then fine but there was a fight, a victim and kids (not just your son) got in big trouble. Sounds like the TA was doing their job.

I think you need to wake up and smell the coffee

The school have already rung you 3 times about your DS being involved in violent incidents and 3 times you say it has been unfounded.Who says it's unfounded ? you?, your DS?, the school? I find it very odd they would ring you 3 times about incidents they are not sure about.

Now your DS has been accused of being involved in what would term a serious assault .He is crying and wetting himself because he knows he is in big trouble.

Am inclined to think that you need to consider Spiderpig8's opinion. Festi gave two scenarios for your son's behavior - my thoughts were that there is a third option that: he was caught bulling and he is actually quite a clever manipulator. I'm not sure which of the three it is - I think you need more facts but I think you need to think about all three scenarios.

People are making huge judgements, either way, about the school, staff, OP's DS and the victim and they don't know anything about them. OP doesn't know the facts either. She needs to go into school today, ask to have a quiet word and find out what happened.
(I am still astounded that Fabbychic would go in all guns blazing-and has no idea how this would put her at an extreme disadvantage.)

I think rather than assuming a TA whom you admit is well-respected "has a problem" with your son, you have to assume she believes your son to be a bully. You admit there were three instances where, prima facie, it looked as though he was involved in bullying. She probably doesn't have an awful lot of time for him at the moment.

Now - he could have been involved in serial miscarriages of justice, but equally you may not know all the facts. It's very important that if he is bullying, he understands that you are on the side of the school (ie that bullying is indefensible and there are consequences if you're caught). If you make him think you think the TA has some sort of problem it gives him a bit of a getout.

You need to ask him why he was standing around watching a child being punched. You also need to tell him that while you can't choose his friends, being part of a group which is OK with this behaviour would make him a bully, too - and ask him if that's the sort of person he wants to be.

I'd speak to the head, it's more than likely they have spoken to the child who is being bullied and he will have been able to tell them who was envolved

You have been called three times about your child's behaviour and now he has been in front of the HT for bullying, but its all the TAs fault. Right.

Do you not think that the victim will have been asked about who was bullying him? Do you really, really think the child who was being pinned down and punched wasn't asked and it was just taken on the word of the TA?

Not at all. Before there would have been any intervention they would have asked the victim and other children who saw it happen. Your child sounds like he's been thoroughly told off and I am glad to hear it as maybe it will make him think twice before he picks on someone else again.

I can absolutely gaurenrtee you that every single boy who was involved yesterday told their parents that they were just near by, that it was someone else, that they just watched, that someone else did it but ran away.

By all means go in and investigate, but before you accuse the TA you may want to really think this through.

There could be a number of factors at work here but there clearly is a bullying problem within that class. The question is who's doing it.

My DC was bullied in primary school. First it was physical but then there were years of more insidious bullying that didn't leave visible marks. The two bullies were adept at turning on the tears, gaining the sympathy of staff and their parents never ever accepted that they were anything but perfect little angels. DC, on the other hand, became used to hiding feelings so held back tears, felt wronged, became distrustful of staff, looked sulky as a result and was therefore accused wrongly of bullying the bullies.

The worst part was that one of the dinner supervisors had a DC in the class who was also a victim of this pair. This woman prefered it when my DC was being victimised and actively encouraged it to protect her DC so the bullies would go to her, accuse DC of something and rely on her punishing DC - bullying by proxy.
It took me a long time to uncover all this, prove it beyond doubt and withdraw my DC from that school.

So.....
either the OP's son is bullying or at least standing on the sidelines encouraging it and has been caught red-handed

or, he is being bullied by accusation.

If there was such a serious incident then the school should surely be calling in the parents of the alleged bullies and seeking some remedial measures. If the OPs son is alleged to be one of them then the OP will get an opportunity to go and discuss his behaviour.
If there is no phone call then the OP should seek a meeting with the HT to find out what really happened and be receptive to either possibility.

She should certainly be keeping a log of incidents - who? where? when? etc. Eventually a pattern will emerge.

Have you had a word?

Can I offer some comments as the parent of a child who has been the subject of systematic bullying by a group of boys within his class for years.

The "bullies" are actually generally rather nice children, funny, kind and articulate and often appear as ds's friends. However, when ds annoys them (and he often does because of poor social skills), as a group they turn into a mob, egg each other on and generally subject ds to quite terrible treatment.

None of their mothers accepts that their child can be like this and I understand why - from what they see, they are not. However what they do not see is what they act like in a group. It does not make the children bad children, but it does mean that there is a situation to be managed by the school and by the parents. I wish the parents could look more objectively at what their child actually does at school and also that schools would be more open with parents.

Good luck.

I would be deeply troubled, as a parent, if the school didn't follow up this beating incident.
Frankly, if I ever again heard the words 'there is no bullying in this school' I would take my DC and run for the door, not pass go, not collect £200. You wouldn't see us for dust.

OP - even if it's true your son was not involved and was nearby, he didn't intervene or bring the incident to the attention of an adult. This makes him complicit.

The school have already rung you 3 times about your DS being involved in violent incidents
Spiderpig8 Where does the OP say they were 'violent incidents'?

Fantasticvoyage - I know that if your child is shy/ not particularly popular/ sensitive/ lacks confidence - its safer for them to stay out of horrible aggressive situations at school, then to go running to the teacher or intervene- the latter can make the bullies turn on you at a later date. Does that mean the child is complicit? i don't think so, they're just trying to not get involved, its the adults job to sort it out.

The OP is completely against bullying and stated that if her DS was the bully she would fully support the school in their actions, she didn't know the facts and said so, she appears to have a pretty realistic way of looking at the situation IMO.. and i also know for a fact that occasionally members of staff can get things wrong!

Hopefully everything was sorted out today either way Spotty

Did you get any answers today OP? I hope you managed to get some facts that will clear some of the fog surrounding the incident.

Thinking of both you and your boy, I felt terribly sad when I read how distressed he was, it's not easy to see your little ones so upset.. here's hoping you can get to the bottom of it soon and sort things out either way.

Jellykay she says 'my instincts tell me that he just isn't a physically violent boy'. Since her son was not accused of watching this latest incident, then presumably she must be refering to the earlier accusations

I just thought it migh be worth mentioning that I never fitted in at school and yet was/am very successful in the real world. A boy is DS's class went through hell at primary school but will probably be the only boy from the local comp. to go to Oxford and Cambridge and has had significant success on a national children's TV show and is a boy to be proud of.

The alpha girls at my primary and secondary school never amounted to much! A triumph I think for all those who have been the subject of bullying at school.

Oh, PS, DS's sister were phenomenally successful at school, Head Girl, Games Captain, all that sort of thing. They have been hopeless in rl except when working out how to maximise their benefits in the societies they have chosen because they didn't fit in the UK after uni - Aus and NZ!

I can see what you're saying Spiderpig, but i read it differently, in so much as i'd say that of my own DS..
Some boys are into physical rough and tumble, loud, whacking things, pretending to hit people, act threateningly for a joke etc - you know the type - and some are more self contained, quieter, gentler with others.
I read it that the OP was saying her DS fitted into the second category, particularly as others (including the school) have commented on how thoughtful and considerate he is.

Did you have a word?