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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to refuse to tell DP...

40 replies

PurplePidjInAPearTree · 12/12/2011 19:46

...what I want for Christmas?

There are only two things I want. One is for him to get a job (made redundant last week). The other is for us to get engaged (he's bought the ring, just waiting for things to be "right" before he officially asks me)

I really don't need any material possessions, so AIBU? Or should I find a nice pair of shoes and nudge him in the right direction?

OP posts:
sitandnatter · 12/12/2011 19:49

An engagement is a promise to marry, if that is what you both want then go for it and put the building blocks in place to make it happen.

Good luck

TheOriginalFAB · 12/12/2011 19:51

Or you could tell him the second thing you want.

bigpigeon · 12/12/2011 19:56

Full marks for honesty, but I think your needs should probably take second place just now. If I had just lost my job I would hope that my partner's first thoughts would centre on being supportive and rebuilding my confidence so I could get out there again and find another job. Lets face it if you can't be there for each other in the hard times, you've got to wonder why you are thinking about marriage at all. Perhaps the focus this year should be less on material things, as he is unlikely to be feeling flush - focus more on TLC and enjoying each other and those around us. Perhaps you could just trade "favours" this year, could also be fun to call yours in when the time comes. Be kind to yourselves and lower your expectations. The rest will come when the time is right.

Original poster
PurplePidjInAPearTree · 12/12/2011 20:01

He knows exactly what I want, we do discuss these things! Wink The ring is a promise to marry which I'm ready for - he wants to hang on until work stuff is settled, then got made redundant Angry

Thanks, pigeon, I'm fully supportive of his job-hunting; if you notice it's the first thing on my list with the big relationship jump we've been discussing for 18 months having been relegated to second place Hmm

So, should I find myself some shoes and put him out of his misery or carry on hoping for either something off the list or a nice surprise? (He came up with a gorgeous necklace for my birthday, so is well capable btw)

OP posts:
bigpigeon · 12/12/2011 20:17

Sorry, problem with typing stuff, tone comes out wrong sometimes. I misread you as being hacked off at a deadbeat. If he really wants to buy stuff then give him a hint by all means. Just don't get hopes up for christmas or new year proposal as it could wreck things for you both - you feeling disappointed and him feeling like he let you down. I had similar scenario for many years and if he is worth waiting for then just remind yourself of it everytime you feel frustrated. In a couple of years you will probably look back and smile and wonder why it seemed a big deal to you at the time. I am most impatient person in world, so if I could get through it I know you can!

SuePurblybiltbyElves · 12/12/2011 20:23

Why don't you ask for a trip somewhere? Doesn't have to be expensive - fave restaurant, the zoo, a day trip to somewhere nice. Maybe he'll use the opportunity to use the ring anyway.

diddl · 12/12/2011 20:27

If you don´t want anything, you don´t.

I can´t see the point in buying for the sake of it because it´s Christmas.

Or tell him that what you really want is to get engaged.

KittyFane · 12/12/2011 20:40

Purple :( at holding back getting engaged because of the work situation. Does he just want the engagement to happen at a happier time?
I'd probably suggest getting engaged regardless of jobs.
It can still be a lovely time.

squeakytoy · 12/12/2011 20:42

Cant understand why, if you know he has got the ring, he hasnt actually given it to you. Confused

Original poster
PurplePidjInAPearTree · 12/12/2011 21:26

First it was waiting for the job to stabilise - he was expecting serious promotion after a couple of years. Then he got made redundant after a year and three quarters. Far from deadbeat, he has extremely high standards for himself and I'm having the devil's job not letting him leap into the first job he's offered just so he's not a "failure" Hmm

It's more a whole life stabilisation really, there have been lots of things including my work which was pretty much destroying me and I'm now out. We got so close and it's just this final hurdle!

He knows I want to marry him. I know he wants to marry me. I just wish he'd bloody hurry up!

In the meantime, these shoes...

OP posts:
bigpigeon · 12/12/2011 22:12

Does he feel he has failed if he is not the protector and provider - high flyers often do? If that is the case you are probably in for a wait Sad. I had to wait seven years because I was sick and we didn't know what the future held. Glad I waited though and hopefully you will be too one day. I will say though that trying to hasten it or expecting it around important occasions almost drove me mad (and also wrecked loads of times that should have been fun). So, if you can then try to ease up on yourself and him and it will happen when the time is right. (It knocked my socks off as I was so not expecting it, so hopefully it will for you too).

ImperialBlether · 12/12/2011 22:16

I think you wanting to marry him at a time like this would give him confidence.

I'd say that the only thing you want is to know you'll be together forever. Get that ring on your finger and both tackle the job situation together.

ViviPrudolf · 12/12/2011 22:42

I don't really get the ring thing either Confused

We were 'almost there' too, then DP was made redundant just over a year ago. Life has just gone on hold while DP sets up his business.

Last year we didn't do gifts at all due to the recent redundancy. I've not really dropped any hints for Christmas this year as he still has no disposable cash. There is a whopping massive sparkler on my Pinterest wishlist that he'd have to be blind not to have noticed. But I know he can't afford it. And I still don't even know if he even wants to Sad

I'd be totally fucked off though if I knew he'd already bought the thing and not given it to me though. That's a bit weird, OP

Original poster
PurplePidjInAPearTree · 12/12/2011 22:53

"I'd say that the only thing you want is to know you'll be together forever." This is the conversation I have with him. Lots of cuddles and "I love you" stuff.

Pigeon has it spot on, he feels like he's failed - I don't give a shit, just want to know the bills are going to get paid!

And don't I bloody know it's a bit weird, Vivi. But all I can do is wait Xmas Hmm and yes, I've done the feminist asking him thing. I've tried mentioning it lots and I've tried not talking about it at all. I've settled on a happy medium of letting it come up in conversation occasionally!

When presented with the question "What shall I get you for Christmas" this morning, a job and the ring were all I could think up!

OP posts:
ViviPrudolf · 12/12/2011 23:01

OP I'm right there with you. Apart from the asking him part. In all honesty, I could probably make it happen (like every bloody other major life step we've taken) but on this one, I just want it to be his decision.

I think he's got this bee in his bonnet about the business turning a decent profit before committing financially to anything, and the only thing we've ever really discussed is that if we did get engaged, it would be with a view to a short engagement. I think he thinks we couldn't afford a wedding. We could.

The waiting is so tiresome though. Particularly when you're the oldest of your pals and been together the longest and yet everyone else has moved forward with their relationships.

I completely get your last sentence there, OP!

Original poster
PurplePidjInAPearTree · 12/12/2011 23:11

My DP will not be talked into anything. And on big stuff like this, I wouldn't want to tbh.

Just fucking hurry up will you, darling!

Even our families are asking when he's going to pop the question Hmm I told my SIL to get on the case and nag him last time we were up there Xmas Grin

OP posts:
ViviPrudolf · 12/12/2011 23:20

My friends have started the drip drip. They were all convinced he was going to do it when we all went to NY in October. If he's not going to do it there then I'm not holding out much hope for Christmas.

Good idea on the SiL angle. We're having a party for one of my SiLs on saturday, and all 4 of my SiLs will be there - I could get them on the case.

These men just don't seem to get that life is never going to be perfectly stable, we just need to bloody well get on with it! Fingers crossed for you OP!

Original poster
PurplePidjInAPearTree · 12/12/2011 23:30

That's his sister, btw, as opposed to my non-existant brother's wife!

You'd think my 30th birthday last month would be a good opportunity. Then we had the conversation (I left this one til afterwards!) about how I always though I'd be married by the time I was 30, and how I hadn't even managed to get engaged. He said "it'll happen very very soon" and I basically bit his head off about how he's been saying that for over a year and to either get on with it or stfu Blush because he was just making me more anxious - this time last year I was having weeks off work due to anxiety, 2 years ago when we got together I wasn't capable of working at all so we do try to avoid obvious triggers; I've only been off the meds for it 6 months after all Hmm

OP posts:
ViviPrudolf · 12/12/2011 23:35

Sad How long have you been together? I thought it might happen on my 30th too, and that's coming up for 3 years ago Hmm

Have you got DCs? Mr. 'Pru seems to be in denial that we don't have forever if we're going to do this. But I feel its partially my fault for not pressing the urgency on him when he's got used to me doing that with everything else in life.

marriedandwreathedinholly · 12/12/2011 23:37

If you have the ring, you are engaged aren't you? Why buy it otherwise?

Original poster
PurplePidjInAPearTree · 12/12/2011 23:37

Two years, living together 21 months, bought the ring 18 months ago - as in, we went in a jewellery shop and i liked it but they didn't have my size, then he ordered it from the interweb.

No kids, strong views on marriage first...

OP posts:
Original poster
PurplePidjInAPearTree · 12/12/2011 23:39

Marriedand - We decided we'd like a nice story to tell people. Nothing flash, just "Oh, he took me for a walk on the beach blah blah blah" Plus we want my Dad's permission which, less than 6 months into the relationship, he wasn't prepared to give

OP posts:
ViviPrudolf · 12/12/2011 23:40

Wow that's a positive whirlwind! I'm officially No Help to you OP, I've been waiting for 8 years. Get yourself away from me to safety quick before you catch spinster.

I thought I had strong views on marriage first too, well, strong ideals at least. But at this rate they're going to have to go out the window.

Original poster
PurplePidjInAPearTree · 12/12/2011 23:45

Stupid thing is, I imagine we'd be engaged for at least a couple of years before we actually did the dreaded deed! So it's really only the engaged bit I'm fussed about!

I was single for 5 years before this one showed up, I think I've already caught Spinster for myself ta

OP posts:
ViviPrudolf · 12/12/2011 23:48
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