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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to refuse to tell DP...

40 replies

PurplePidjInAPearTree · 12/12/2011 19:46

...what I want for Christmas?

There are only two things I want. One is for him to get a job (made redundant last week). The other is for us to get engaged (he's bought the ring, just waiting for things to be "right" before he officially asks me)

I really don't need any material possessions, so AIBU? Or should I find a nice pair of shoes and nudge him in the right direction?

OP posts:

marriedandwreathedinholly · 12/12/2011 23:49

I am totally confused. In my day you decided to get married, asked your father's permission, booked the church, bought the ring and while it was being ordered arranged for the engagement to be announced. On announcement day your finger was ready and when people asked when the wedding was you said blythely, it's on the 14th June - I do hope you're free. And you never announced it more than six months before the day.

Original poster

PurplePidjInAPearTree · 12/12/2011 23:50

Lefthanded pinkie swear?

OP posts:

Original poster

PurplePidjInAPearTree · 12/12/2011 23:51

I wish it was that simple, marriedand

I really really really just want the ring on my finger, then register office and piss up.

It's turning into a Big Deal when really, it's a simple case of wanting to spend the rest of my life with him.

OP posts:

BustersOfDoom · 12/12/2011 23:53

See I'm with married once the decision has been made that you are going to marry then you are engaged. That's what getting engaged means. Doesn't matter what story you decided to tell people or whether you have your Dad's permission, the fact that the pair of you have decided you will marry and have bought a ring means you are engaged. The fact that he hasn't since got down on one knee and slipped it on your finger is immaterial. Engagement is a promise to marry and not the presentation of a ring.

I have never understood people who said 'we are going to Paris/Vegas/Mexico to get engaged.' If you know before hand then you already are. I can't imagine anything worse than a pre-planned ring presentation, down on one knee job.

marriedandwreathedinholly · 12/12/2011 23:54

Should have said altered. And yes, that's what used to happen - not so much fuss then - just a traditional ceremony, a nice frock, some decent grub in a tent and lashings of champagne. Nothing silly, invites, order of service, all totally straightforward and the vicar always let you have confetti if you made a big enough donation to the church funds. End of.

CheerfulYank · 12/12/2011 23:59

I know, like my friend's little sister. Her bf has the ring and she knows it. But they're not "engaged."

KittyFane · 13/12/2011 06:19

:( I wouldn't like this situation. I hate being strung along.
It's mean of him.

Gonzo33 · 13/12/2011 06:26

wonders if her and the other mumsnetters should chip in and send the OP to Gretna

Slightlytinsellyexpat · 13/12/2011 06:48

I'm with the others on this. You have a ring and an intention to marry, ergo you are engaged to be married.

Why don't you buy a ring for him, OP, and YOU pop the question?

Original poster

PurplePidjInAPearTree · 13/12/2011 08:30

"we are going to Paris/Vegas/Mexico to get engaged."

That would be pointless and would seriously piss me off. That makes it all about the show and detracts from the actual being married stuff. Which we sort of already are - live together, joint finances etc - but I'd like some kind of ceremony and/or party to mark the occasion iyswim? Ditto the "official" moment of Getting Engaged. When we're both ready, there will be a point at which we take a deep breath and cross that line from just going out to affianced

His ring is tucked away in the same secret safe place as mine is

OP posts:

Original poster

PurplePidjInAPearTree · 13/12/2011 08:31

Oh, and I'm the complete opposite end of the country, Gonzo, the train fare would bankrupt you

OP posts:

mashpot · 13/12/2011 08:59

vivi It took 8.5 years for my OH to propose and we got married after 10 years together. He also wanted to wait because of job issues etc and I used to bring up the wedding issue now and again, usually drunk at friend's weddings! Anyway, it happened in the end and was fabulous so I hope it does for you too soon - and you OP.

diddl · 13/12/2011 09:31

Seems odd to me to have decided and bought a ring & waiting for a certain set of circumstances to come together before announcing it/making it official.

TBH, I think that he´s lucky that you are prepared to wait.

It would piss me off & smack of control tbh.

I can understand him not wanting to be talked into it, but you decided 18 months ago!!

ViviPrudolf · 13/12/2011 09:37

mashpot that just made me have a little involuntary inner flutter. What a lovely post. Thank you

Original poster

PurplePidjInAPearTree · 13/12/2011 13:21

It's about being settled, really. We've gone through lots of ups and downs, we want to be confident we're still happy when there's no drama/we're not "battling the odds" etc blah blah. And we've lots of friends and family who will want to make a fuss, so we do need a time to announce it where it can be all about the one piece of news iyswim

Anyway, back to my original question... Do I make him suffer and surprise me, or do I pick out some shoes...

OP posts:

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