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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH cannot do anything in am to help get 8mth, 3yr old and 4 yrl old ready.

67 replies

BratinghamPalace · 12/12/2011 18:10

He can ONLY get himself ready and am a bit fed up with that. I am a sahm. He goes to the office (at 9am). 4yr old has to be in preschool by 8.30. I get up, get breakfast ready, school lunch and then get them up, dressed, fed and all into the car to drop 4yr old. I think he could dress and feed baby. Am feeling very resentful of him looking very calm and if I ask for help the conceit is that he is getting ready for work. I think he could do one child, I do two, then we are out of the house and in the lovely peace and quiet he can get ready. AIBU? (please say no!)

OP posts:
nuitdesetoiles · 12/12/2011 20:24

YANBU not fair, I mostly do my 2 dd(5) and ds(2) and myself as he leaves for work at 6am. To be fair even though it's hectic it's actually a bit easier and dh seems to make things more chaotic when he's here and my God is he slow. However all the clothes are laid out the night before and bags and coats are prepped by the front door. dd has school dinners. Non work days I'm up at 7.30 out the door at 8.35 to do just one drop off (school) on work days in about x100more stressful as i have to drive them to 2 separate drop offs (school and nursery), leave earlier to try to find a non existent parking space and make myself look smart and business like and it's a f**king nightmare.

Dh knows if by some fluke he can leave later esp on one of my work days he does the whole rigmarole apart from dds hair. I once left him to do it and it was her school photo day and she looked like a scarecrow I was Angry so I have to do it now.

Firawla · 12/12/2011 20:26

yanbu, it would make sense for him to drop the 4 yr old off on his way to work which im sure would make your life so much easier.
however, i can imagine my dh being like this too. i also have 3 dc but no school run yet as they are all younger than that so we can relax more in mornings. the thing about the sick on the work clothes, he does say that if i try to pass him a baby while he is wearing any suits for work!
tbh its not nice when they dont participate with the dc, but when your dh is like that you just get used to it. the thing of telling them so specific instructions of "this cereal in this bowl for this dc" - its easier to do it yourself than get into that!
if we are getting ready to all go somewhere on a weekend, then me and the 3 dc will all be ready before dh because he spends so long faffing around! i dont understand why some men cant manage to get things done, when they seem to be capable and able to achieve things at work but at home just getting self ready on time seems to be beyond them Confused

mathanxiety · 12/12/2011 20:28

While he's at work he's at work. While he's at home he's a parent just like you are and just like everybody else is. He needs to get over himself. 'Conceit' is exactly right.

CailinDana -- I agree, it is disrespectful, and mean. He is telling you that his work is more important that yours, that it is beneath him. It is mean because he sits there taking his own sweet time looking after himself while you no doubt rush around like a scalded earwig as if to rub your nose in the superiority of the part he plays in the family..

If you are the one responsible for his laundry and the whereabouts of his clothes, suits, ties, underwear, socks, I suggest you put a halt to all your laundry, ironing and clothes-arranging activities and let him sort all of that out for himself.

However (and I would say this even if you had a proper H there pulling his weight) get the lunch ready the night before. Also, no need to dress the baby or the 3 yo for a trip to school. Pull on something over their pajamas and dress them when they all get home.

nocake · 12/12/2011 20:31

Give him a message from me... tell him he has all the organisational skill of a dog turd if he can't manage to help get the kids ready in the morning. I leave for work at about 8am yet I still manage to get up, sort out the kitchen, have my breakfast and feed DD (11 months) before I leave the house. I don't do this because I have to. I do it because I enjoy it.

When DD starts at nursery I'll be taking her there in the morning, meaning DW can get ready for work without a toddler demanding attention and I get to spend a bit of time with DD.

squeakytoy · 12/12/2011 20:33

If he doesnt have to leave until 9am, and you have to be at the pre-school by 8.30 then you go back home, why not leave him with the two younger kids.

startail · 12/12/2011 20:34

DD2 much prefers DH taking her to school. It's me who's always lateBlush

Dozer · 12/12/2011 20:39

op, there need to be some changes.

Does he pull his weight domestically and with the DC at other times (eg evenings / weekends)? Or does he work late and lie in on weekends?

Original poster
BratinghamPalace · 12/12/2011 21:43

Thanks y'all!! I grew up with three brothers so I know exactly what he is up to but needed a little confirmation and yes things need to change. He is not a wanker, is very engaged with his children and is crap domestically. I do not mind that EXCEPT this morning bollocks.
So tomorrow I will be sick and the next day for good measure. When he has a more empathetic understanding of the morning dynamic I will present him with a new plan of how things will work from now on! It will be a very well planned plan as I will have had two delicious mornings in a sick bed with my old friends Time and Peace&Quiet to figure it all out!!

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 12/12/2011 21:51

Errr, I only have one child, who doesn't go to playschool, and a DH who leaves to start work at 0745. He manages to help if required, so your DH has no excuse!

LoopyLoopsWoopDeWoops · 12/12/2011 21:57

My DH is a SAHD, I work full time. I get up at 5.30, feed the baby and put her back to sleep, then get ready and go out, they are all still asleep. That's OK, isn't it? Or should I be doing more in the mornings?

andaPontyinaPearTreeeeee · 12/12/2011 21:57

YANBU - DH is a SAHD now as I'm at work, and I damn well help every day, even on my early start I help DD get ready until I have to leave at 7.30.

Would be the same the other way round too. It is not being über wonderful or babysitting or doing you a favour, it is just parenting, so don't let him make out he's a New Man if he changes his ways.

bejeezus · 12/12/2011 22:04

I get up at 6am, get a 6yo and a 1yo ready. Then cycle big un to school with little un in bike seat. Then cycle baby to nursery and on to work. Wipe off baby sick, wring out hair and apply slap in toilet, at desk for 9am.

Completely irrelevant. Just feeling sorry for myself Sad

blackeyedsanta · 12/12/2011 22:21

loopy, i think the clue is in they are still asleep if dh was running round like a scalded earwig (who said that?^^) and you were having half hour bath and breakfast in bed then it would be different. what time tdo you go out to leave them still asleep?

LoopyLoopsWoopDeWoops · 12/12/2011 22:36

About 6.30. They all wake at about 8.

When I was a SAHM I did it all, DH went before we woke. I do have to feed the baby and do the night feeds though...

skybluepearl · 12/12/2011 23:24

Does he expect you to work from 7am til 7pm then? His 9am is a very late start and he should therefore help. Mine leaves at 6am andwe are all sleeping at that time. On the odd day he leaves at 8.30, he will get the breakfasts for everyone, read to the little one and load the kids into the car for me.

skybluepearl · 12/12/2011 23:28

We do everything the night before too - lunches ready, clothes out, book bag ready, any money/slips ready, shoes and coat by the door. It helps hugely.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 12/12/2011 23:43

I'm a SAHM and DH would never just leave me to it in the morning, unless he had to leave the house before anyone was up.

Gwendoline - yours sounds particularly bad, what a git! What is his justification?

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