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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in finding it difficult to deal with my grandfather's inappropriate touching?

48 replies

sarahgoodenough · 12/12/2011 13:51

my elderly grandfather is partially sighted, he likes to 'get out' and needs a guide, really. his son takes him out 4 times a week. but i'm expected to take him out shopping and 'visit' 2/3 times a week. my grandfather is definately 'all there', in that he is not going senile or losing his marbles. he likes to touch me up though, and i have to be on guard for this. i've tried to get out of, or cut down on these visits, as i feel that my grandfather and grandmother are supported enough with all their family around them. however i'm made to very, very feel guilty by my grandparents if i dont spend hours and hours with them each week. the main thing that i made to feel is that i am leaving a partially sighted man in the lurch. there could be help available from the council for him, but thats not wanted, as i said before, he is taken out 4 times a week anyway by his son. he has three sons, their respective wives and numerous grandhildren. my grandparents have been lacking throughout their lives, all sorts of things went on. my grandfather is a bully of a person, among other things. and i feel that my dad, at least, 'survived' his so called upbringing to his great credit. so, to go back to the title of this message, i just find it difficult, that's all. its not something you can talk about, least of all among the family.

OP posts:

cottonreels · 12/12/2011 13:54

Just trying to be clear-the touching up/inappropriate touching is not do with him being partially sighted is it?

Original poster

sarahgoodenough · 12/12/2011 13:57

no, definately not.

OP posts:

camdancer · 12/12/2011 13:59

People don't change when they get older - they just get worse. The guilt tripping won't stop but if you are aware of it then you can just see it for the stupid game it is. Stay away and ignore the comments.

jesuswhatnext · 12/12/2011 13:59

dont feel guilty! and for heavens sake dont put up with this situation any longer! he sounds vile! im a firm believer that people eventually reap what they sow, you say he is a bully and he touches you up, walk away with never a backward glance! he does not deserve you!

RJRabbit · 12/12/2011 14:00

Have you told him to stop the inappropriate touching? Actually, you know what? It doesn't matter - you shouldn't have to. Nor do you have to justify yourself to anyone if you don't go back to see him again.

minciepie · 12/12/2011 14:00

YANBU. You don't owe anything to someone who knowingly tries to touch you up - however elderly/partially sighted they are.

daveywarbeck · 12/12/2011 14:01

You don't have to deal with it. Do not visit. If anyone protests, tell them why. He is using his age as a veil behind which to hide. I doubt he has suddenly started randomly sexually assaulting people at the age of 82 (if he really is completely compis mentis that is - are you sure he is?).

If he is fully in possession of his faculties, then this:

its not something you can talk about, least of all among the family.

is how abusers like him get away with it. Don't let him.

chipmonkey · 12/12/2011 14:01

Do NOT go near this man, grandfather or not! Do your family know about the inappropriate touching?

TheOriginalFAB · 12/12/2011 14:01

Not really a subject for AIBU and I think you should post elsewhere if you want advice on how to stop this and deal with it.

He is not going to stop. End of. So if you want it to stop YOU have to make it stop.

ChickensThinkYouCanGetStuffed · 12/12/2011 14:03

Don't put up with it. Being old isn't a get out clause for shitty behaviour. Stop helping, and when anyone asks why say 'Because he touches me in an inappropriate way. And I don't have to put up with it'. Stand your ground. Has he always done this, OP? Because you seem to find it a mild annoyance rather than shocking, iyswim? And it IS shocking.

daveywarbeck · 12/12/2011 14:04

Just re-read and I have completely fabricated 82. No idea how! Advice still stands regardless of his age.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/12/2011 14:08

:(... very difficult, OP. My grandfather was also like this, with my Mum and to a lesser degree with me. I felt like we were trapped. No advice, I didn't know what to do, but sympathies...

FreudianSlipper · 12/12/2011 14:10

stay away and tell your family why

this is not acceptable at any age

there was a time when inappropriate touching grandfathers and uncles were called pests now they are called what they are and that is abusers

your family will know what he is like sadly it is often still accepted as just oe of those things and you may be told you jsut have to be careful, he is old and not aware of what he is doing rather than confronted and so it carries on please try and put a stop to this

TremoloGreen · 12/12/2011 14:11

First off, I'm very sorry this is happening to you. It must be horrible and maybe quite confusing too. How long has it been going on? Please don't put up with it You have a right not to be made to feel this way

From what you said, it does not sound like your father has a rose-tinted view of your grandfather. Can you broach this with him?

grumplestilskin · 12/12/2011 14:14

so there's other women and young women and even young girls involved in supporting him? you need to speak out so that others can too!

SardineQueen · 12/12/2011 14:18

Is this an "open secret" in the family - does he do this to others and everyone is expected to put up with it - or is it just you as far as you know (but could be others too).

is revolting behaviour whichever way but may make a difference towards how you deal with the situation.

AMumInScotland · 12/12/2011 14:20

You don't owe this man anything - if he ends up with no-one to take him out, because of his abusive behaviour, then that is his fault, not yours.

I'd like to be able to just stay "Stop seeing them. DOn't let them make you feel guilty. Speak up and rock the boat, as he may well be abusing other too" - But you may not emotionally be in a place where you can just do that, if you've grown up in an environment where he has been tolerated - you learn from what you see around you, and if you see abuse and it's treated as "not something you can talk about" then it all ends up in a very big tangle.

Do think about starting another thread, in Relationships say, to get support from people who have maybe hidden AIBU!

kelly2000 · 12/12/2011 14:24

Do not help him. next time he says anything, quite clearly say nice and loudly that you have no intention of helping him as he touches you, and will not stop. Or if you do help and he does it again, quite clearly tell him that if he does it again you will go to the police, or social services.
Whats your GM like, could you see her alone, does he bully her?
Bullies like him will keep going so long as they can bulldoze over people, who fear confrontation. stand up t him, he will still act as if you are unreasonable (in his mind you will be being unreasonable), but it will put a crack ion his ego and make him realise he cannot push everyone about.
Do you have a partner or anyone who can support you, as I cannot help suspecting that everyone will pander to the GF, and treat the OP like the villan, so she will need a support system.

Cherriesarelovely · 12/12/2011 14:30

What a horrible situation for you to be in OP. I have had a similar experience but in 2 different scenarios. Firstly I care for my MIL. She can be extremely difficult and unkind and I have realised that the more i do the more she expects so I have pulled back a bit and now only take her out once a week and literally "pop in" on a couple of other days. She also has 2 carers in the week. Your grandparents are being totally unreasonable expecting you to do all this.

Added to this you DO NOT have to put up with your Grandfather's inappropriate touching, it is dreadful. I worked for a charity once and an elderly man used to drive their mini bus and touch up all the volunteers when he dropped us off. It was awful. I felt horribly compromised and he wasn't a member of my family. However, i complained to the charity and am afraid to say that they didn't take my concerns seriously so I left. If your grandad is a bully then it will be very difficult to broach this without him being nasty. All things considerd I would try to talk about this with someone else in your family. Good luck OP, I really feel for you.

SinicalSanta · 12/12/2011 14:37

hmmm.
It's not easy. while you SHOULD just be able to say Fuck this, I don't need it, it's not that simple when you are in the situation.

Perhaps you could use FreudianSlippers terminology and tell him loudly he's being a Pest and you won't be round again if he keeps up.
He may just be an opportunist who'll stop if challenged in a way they can't argue with. And they can argue and play the victim with words like 'abuse'.

I am sorry for you though. It SHOULD be a simple matter to deal with unacceptable behaviour. But I hope it can be sorted without causing too much upset for the rest of the family (dont care about him)

sigh

Original poster

sarahgoodenough · 12/12/2011 14:38

OriginalFAB, youre right, I appreciate that this isnt really right for AIBU. and appreciate it sincerely if people cant really run with this thread, and i may repost in relationships.

lyingwitchinthewardrobe. yes i do sort of feel duty bound ie trapped. i only live over the road to him. on the other hand i could just easily increase work commitments and decline these 'shopping trips'

i really, really appreciate everyone elses perspective. thanks very very much for your time. it is something that im trying to be stoical about. but, because of the frequency of everything it does seem to loom fairly large at times.

i wouldnt tell my father. but i have confided secretly in my mother, who thinks yes i should stop definately, and she's angry. i dont have a partner. i am the only female supporting him and him alone, as i only work part time.

what i have been doing is physically putting his hands away from places that they shouldnt be, and pointedly calling him 'grandfather', and being very aloof with him. he can surely pick up on my anger because of my demeanor. because he is my grandfather ive not quite known how to ask him to stop verbally. all of this 'behaviour' has happened without words.

in answer to a question yes he has been inappropriate with others.

thanks very much for your time and input. ive not confided in anyone except for my mum.

OP posts:

WTFlike · 12/12/2011 14:45

Walk away. Get someone you can trust in your family to tell the rest of them why he must be kept away from women. Disgusting person.

SinicalSanta · 12/12/2011 14:49

Everytime you remove his hands you should loudly and pointedly call him a pest.
Then a pest who doesn't deserve your help. Say once - make your choice grandfather, do you want me to continue calling over to help?
But don't let it drag on.

I know it's scary to say it, but all your options are scary tbh. Just stopping is scary,letting it continue is scary. But a challenge would be good for you, imo, and a successful challenge the best result for your circumstances.

EatMeDates · 12/12/2011 14:52

Being partially sighted is not an excuse for inappropriate touching. Disgraceful. It is not your responsibility to stop this. Why don't you just come out with it and tell your grandad and rest of family why you are NOT taking him out anymore.
Yuck.

EatMeDates · 12/12/2011 14:52

...and I would be extremely wary bout leaving children around him. has this come up?

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