to expect DH to be kind after i've endured yet another sleepless night?

[Mooles]

instead of black looks and mutterings about HIM having another sleepless night despite the fact that at the first murmer of my DS i vacate the bedroom and close the door behind me so he can't hear me trying to settle him? DS is 2 yr 8 mths and is sleeping really badly since going into a bed not to mention going through the terrible twos and being very whingey which i find so hard to deal with and then get no sympathy or support whatsoever, in fact just negativity and unpleasantness from my DH - what is that about?!?

Are you a SAHM?
Because if not, and you're both having to hold down jobs where you need to be a bit more compos mentis during the day, then he should be doing his bit as well at night, not moaning at you about it.

If you are working too he needs to definitely help you out with this.

Actually I'm afraid I am a SAHM! (apart from 3 hours voluntary work a week) - but still, it's not my fault that DS is waking, surely? And I make it as undisruptive as possible for DH yet he appears to think it's my fault and blame me...I do understand that he needs sleep as he has to go to work but surely a kind word, bit of empathy wouldn't be too hard to muster - or at the very least just NOT being downright unpleasant (this morning apparently i was a f*ing martyr' - haha - I don't remember expecting this when I got married) Grrrr I guess I just need to get it off my chest and I can't raise it with him because it just ends in a row. Do you think that because I am a SAHM then I am being unreasonable...? In which case how the flaming heck can I get my DS to sleep so we can all get back to being nice!?!

Actually I'm afraid I am a SAHM! (apart from 3 hours voluntary work a week) - but still, it's not my fault that DS is waking, surely? And I make it as undisruptive as possible for DH yet he appears to think it's my fault and blame me...I do understand that he needs sleep as he has to go to work but surely a kind word, bit of empathy wouldn't be too hard to muster - or at the very least just NOT being downright unpleasant (this morning apparently i was a f*ing martyr' - haha - I don't remember expecting this when I got married) Grrrr I guess I just need to get it off my chest and I can't raise it with him because it just ends in a row. Do you think that because I am a SAHM then I am being unreasonable...? In which case how the flaming heck can I get my DS to sleep so we can all get back to being nice!?!

YANBU - He shouldn't be blaming you for this! You need a calm chat about how he is treating you.

Maybe he doesn't agree with the way you are training the little one for his own bed?
I really do wish you luck because it can be hard and tiring.

YANBU

Ask him, if he's so pissed off with sleepless nights, what his solution is to get your ds to sleep.

I he doesn't come up with anything then tell him to shut up.

If he does have an idea, great, ask if you can do it together.

Thanks for all your posts BTW really helping me get through the morning! Well last night I didn't take DS to the spare bed as I normally would (so I can get some sleep) but sat in his room for 90 mins while he fell back to sleep in his own bed - so I'm pretty sure I'm doing the right thing - and DH doesn't have any better ideas (or for that matter any at all...just anger and frustration..) You know maybe this is just what happens in marriages with young kids (what worries me is that so many of them fail at this stage..) and we have to get through it - just sometimes I wonder how we'll do that and still be on speaking terms...!

YANBU. I'm assuming DS is his son too. You're both working, it's just only one of you is getting paid. Why should he expect to sleep through while you deal with the whole night? Parenting is a joint responsibilty. If you chose to deal with most of the night wakings because he'll be out the next day, then that's your choice, and he should be bloody grateful for it!

I work part time, do most of the housework etc. DH works full time. We still both share the night wakings (DD is 2). Before 2am, DH usually gets up, aftewards it's my turn. And at the weekend we each get a lie in if we want it. Just because looking after DD and keeping the house running doesn't bring in any money, doesn't mean my sleep is any less important than his. And neither of us want DD looked after by someone who's sleep deprived and not with it.

I sympathise entirely, my DD1 is about a month younger than your DS and sometimes wakes in the night. We also have 8 month old DD2. I try my best to settle them quickly when they wake up, but it's a difficult thing, not always knowing what to do, and trying not to disturb someone else.

I do laugh inside when DH complains about being tired, when he's just been lying in bed. I've been feeding or settling the baby. But he's a lot better than your DH and is sympathetic to me too.

But interrupted sleep is a pain, and in itself can make tempers flare. So try to be civil to each other, and remember that this stage will pass!

I'm so sorry, YANBU

I think you need to address this on two levels: practically and emotionally.

On the practical level, first and foremost, tell your DH to wear earplugs at night. This should solve his sleeplessness problem.

Next, for your sleeplessness, do some online searching for more advice on helping your toddler sleep. I don't think sitting with him 90 minutes in the middle of the night is really a sustainable habit to get into, maybe there are some other things you could try?

Emotionally, sleep deprivation is such a killer for relationships (I know it was for us). It seemed the least damaging when 1) we remembered we were both suffering and tried to support each other, and 2) we tried to do nice things with each other when we could, to remind ourselves we really did love each other underneath it all.

Your DH is being really unfair, but you might get better results talking to him by approaching it from the angle of 'we need to come up with some ideas to improve the situation for everybody'.

The OP could have a nap during the day at the same time as DS.

Oh and, just because you're a SAHM, that doesn't mean that you don't need to sleep sometimes too. Going out to work does NOT give anyone a monopoly on having undisturbed sleep and everything their own way. You need to be just as rested/ready to deal with things all day as a worker does, maybe more even because your son's safety and well being depend on you, so don't get fooled into doing everything yourself just because your DP works - DS is his son too.

Mooles, why is it easier for you to get sleep when you take him into the spare room?

It doesn't matter whether you're a SAHM or not. It's not your fault that your DS is a bad sleeper and it seems like you're doing everything you can to ensure your DH gets a good night's sleep. It's totally unfair for your DH to act like you and your son are an inconvenience to him, especially when you're so sleep deprived and could do with support rather than criticism.

I'm a SAHM and DH works full time. DS is a very early riser (usually between 4 and 5 am) and DH and I alternate getting up with him. When DS was tiny and hardly slept at all DH used to look after him from 8 till 2 so I could sleep and then I took over. I worried he wasn't getting enough sleep but he always insisted and never complained. I have offered to get up with DS more now that he at least sleeps from 7-5 but DH has completely refused, saying that it's unfair if one of us gets a full night's sleep every night while the other doesn't. If he's tired he just goes to bed earlier, as do I.

I disagree.I think you ARE making him a bad sleeper.
You shouldn't be running to him at the first whimper and you shouldn't sitting with him for 90 minutes.Of course he is waking up every night when you are dancing that sort of attention on him!!

Firstly, the fact that you are SAHM is a red herring here. You also need to sleep.

Secondly, you and your partner need to teach your DS to fall back to sleep on his own. We all wake occasionally in the night, but as we grow older we learn to fall back to sleep almost immediately.

I suggest that if he wants you to stop being a 'f-ing martyr' he should man up and take some responsibility for helping you to solve the problem.

I think that as bohemian said, you should do some online searching for more advice on helping him sleep. You need to work together to make a plan, and then help each other to stick to it. I know well (DS2 has sleep problems) that in the middle of the night it is hard to be calm and logical and stick to your decision, so you need to encourage each other.

I definitely think taking him out of his bed is a mistake. Ignore the first whimper in case he self settles, unless he gets really heated, ignore the second and maybe third. If he starts big time crying, go to him, reassure him, pat his back and put him back to bed. He might protest at this with more crying but if you persist, gently but firmly, night after night, he will learn that you are not going to take him into a different bed and to go back to sleep in his own bed.

Important note: this is HARD work! You will need to be strong and you will need DH to do his share.

best of luck to you.

I sympathise with you OP. You are doing all you can to minimise the disruption to your DH and the least he could do is to commiserate with you in the morning rather than moan and criticise!

Just because you are a SAHM, doesn't mean you don't need sleep. I work part-time and find sleepiness nights more difficult if I have a day with the children ahead.

However, you clearly do need to tackle your son's sleep issues and make a plan on how to proceed (between the 2 of you!). I don't think you are making him a bad sleeper. Some children are naturally trickier than others and it is my opinion that it is natural for them to seek the comfort of a parent if they wake in the night.

My God your DH is lucky still to be breathing.

I get he needs sleep for work but there is a HUUUUUGGEEEE world of difference between being noisly awoken, and being noisly awoken having to get up in cold nights knowing you'll be up for nearly an hour, A huge world of difference.

God forbid he may actually just have stick his fingers in his ears and go back to sleep.

I think it is possible to facilitate a bad sleeping patern. If a child learns that when they wake their parent comes and takes them back to another bed to sleep, with them, then that child will not learn to settle himself.

It's not a criticims, sometimes as parents we do what works for a quiet life, esp in the middle of the night, and before we realize it it's too late and we've cultivated bad habbits in our dc. But you do need to tackle it.

Your ds needs to learn that nighttime is time for sleeping, so be calm but firm - if he gets up just put him back to bed and say "it's night time now, go to sleep," and leave the room. If he persists carry on, but the second time you put him to bed just say sleep time, and the third and following times say nothing. And each time you put him back to bed, leave the room. If after five minutes he's still crying go back in and repeat the process, but don't make eye contact, don't turn on the lights and don't give any encouragement. It may take a couple of nights but it works. Oh and this should apply to bedtime routine too, not just for if your ds wakes in the night.

And broken sleep is a killer for anyone, but some people react differently to broken sleep than others, so while your dh is being harsh, I would try to be a bit sympathetic, and sit down and have a talk about resolving your ds' sleep issues when you are both awake and not miserable from the night before, and do it with a view to tackling things together, so maybe your dh can do the bedtime routine, and you can do the nighttime if he wakes.

Your husband is trying to communicate in a very rude way that you are doing things wrong at night. He may also be rather tired if this has been going on for years and missing the intimacy/night together which most parents have after the children have gone to bed. He is not going about it in the right way though.

I would have a frank chat with him. Say you are finding the nights difficult and what is his suggestion? Then make a plan of how you will tackle the nights together (the suggestions on this thread have been great). 90 minutes (and that was a good night) is not really sustainable in the long term and is going to leave you all fed up and dissatisfied. Make a deal with him that you will together tackle the poor sleeping, and in return, he cuts the comments which are really unhelpful.

The very worst he may have to do is stick his fingers in his ears to get back to sleep, whilst you do all the work. he really needs to grow up.

Wow, some great suggestions, thanks so much - amazed how many people have posted in this thread so hope this is helping others as well. I tend to go to spare room cos it's a double bed so i can sleep while DS thrashes and kicks for ages till he goes back to sleep. Just the easiest and quietest option in the middle of the night. He doesn't cry when he wakes, just gets up, comes into our room, puts the lights on and tries to climb in with us hence i remove him (and me) - have tried putting him back to bed and leaving him but he just keeps getting up again and again...but i guess maybe we need to persevere with that tactic. He was sleeping great in his cot, it's just since he's had the freedom of a bed - sooo annoying.

TBH I expect I'm also pretty grumpy first thing after a bad night so maybe i need to try and have a cheery smile on my face as DH gets ready for work and see if that helps...! And agree we prob need some time out together - we do get out now and again but it's rarely just the two of us - tbh the way things are at the moment i can't see it being an enjoyable experience but i suppose this is what 'working at' a marriage is about...what happened to being in love and each feeling that the other could do no wrong!?

Mooles, what about a sticker chart for staying in his own bed all night? That cured my dd2 of getting out, she would wake, remember she wanted the sticker and stay in the bed. Or go for the Jo Frost simply putting them back 100 times strategy. I can understand why you have been going for the easier option of going to the double bed, but it's affecting your sleep and your husband is getting pissed off you are not there (whilst being an arse for not solving it). I think if you can come down firmly and lovingly at bed time, and you all get more sleep (including your son) you will all feel a lot better and those more loving feelings do then tend to resurface.

And, yes, this type of thing is what working at a marriage is all about, but it's not only your problem to solve.

We had the same problem when we moved DS into a bed. He's 2.3 so a little younger than yours, but our solution was to put him in a sleeping bag. The one we have goes to 3y. It doesn't stop him waking, but does prevent him leaving his bed!

We settle him at night, and once he's getting drowsy we move away, say 'mummy/daddy will be back in a minute', and leave him. I leave the door ajar as he settles better if he can see light and hear us. 9 times out of 10 he falls asleep on his own. We've been doing this for over a month now and he sleeps through most nights.

It was a shock to have a non sleeper, our DDs never had sleep problems! I really sympathise, lack of sleep is a killer, and i say that as a SAHM too.