to expect DH to be kind after i've endured yet another sleepless night?

[Mooles]

instead of black looks and mutterings about HIM having another sleepless night despite the fact that at the first murmer of my DS i vacate the bedroom and close the door behind me so he can't hear me trying to settle him? DS is 2 yr 8 mths and is sleeping really badly since going into a bed not to mention going through the terrible twos and being very whingey which i find so hard to deal with and then get no sympathy or support whatsoever, in fact just negativity and unpleasantness from my DH - what is that about?!?

I am interested to see that this seems to be seen (by you and other posters) as your problem to solve. To me the big problem is not you DS, it is your DH. OK its a pain that he is waking at night. But a firm hand and you both working together would solve this quickly.
Your DH seems to think that you are solely responsible for your son at night. Why is this the case? You work all day as well. I am a SAHM to three. I breastfeed so obviously at night I got up first and fed the baby but if they didn't settle after that DH was rooted out of bed to help settle them. They are all good sleepers but we still share the night time wakings. If I was getting up for an hour and half at night with the kids the only words DH would have on the subject would be ones of gratitude and support not fucking whinging over how tired he is.
I would not be putting big smiles on in the morning to sheer him up. I would be telling him to get his fucking act together and help out. If he doesn't like what you are doing and if he is not prepared to help the he can just STFU. He is getting away very lightly in IMO.

I suggest our setup:

DH does all nights with 3.5yr old (good sleeper, but often sneaks into our bed) and 1 yr old (bad sleeper, but improving), while I sleep peacefully 2 floors away in the guest room.

I am a SAHM (materity leave until Jan.) and DH works fulltime.

Sounds very unfair, but my DH has realised that a well rested wife, in a lovely baby-free bedroom, is way more interested in him, and less inhibited. So now he's tired and happy, as opposed to us both being exhausted and at each others throats as we were before.

A few people have suggested that but he's never seemed that interested in stickers for some reason...i'm wondering about offering a smartie or choc button instead though - whatever it takes! Or a Gro-Clock which shows the sun coming up...i guess both may be worth a go.
The broken sleep I can (just about) deal with, I know this is part of the territory with young kids - more concerned that our marriage may crumble under the strain - though recognise that if we can all get good sleep it will immediately be infinitely better, but fear that the techniques may not work and we'll just have to live with bad sleep which hardly bears thinking about..
I was so proud of the way we managed the first year or so - DS was a bad sleeper for the first 6 months, sometimes 4 or 5 times a night but i was able to deal with that and still be nice to DH and it be reciprocated, but this time around i guess neither of us has as much patience.

Something I have omitted to mention - I am the Second Wife...he and his ex split when his daughter was about 7 (in fact, that he has a 15 year old girl plus a father in a nursing home doesn't help his stress and anger levels) and so I have the fear that history will repeat himself - although he's hard work at times I'm prepared to do whatever it takes to keep the family together for DS (and we do actually have some great times as well, it's not all doom and gloom)
DH is old fashioned (and older - 47 next birthday - I'm 40) and was raised in a very Victorian household, father dictatorial, mother did everything for everyone - i draw the line at that but see that it's going to be impossible to completely Mchange him into a New man - and I knew that when I married him i guess. Just hard - very hard - at times. Tulipgrower - amaaaazing...hats off to you...

YABU to feel it's solely your responsibility.
He is being very unreasonable. Dealing with your DS's sleep issues is not only your problem, it's his as well.
And he should be getting up on at least one weekend night so that you can get a decent night's rest, especially if he wants cheery smiles from you in the mornings.

If he thinks you're handling it wrong, he has the chance to do it the right way on his nights.

(The setup only came about as I was clinically exhausted as DS2 woke me every 2h for over 6 months. Result was being very dizzy all the time. The doctor said if I continued the sleep deprivation could physically kill me, (although I think he was being a little melodramatic). I was ordered to ensure I could sleep for at least 5-6h a night straight. This is how we've done it.)

For getting a 3yr old to stay in bed I've been given the following suggestions:
(although my DH currently doesn't notice when DS1 sneaks in.)

1. offer a matress on the floor next to the parental bed, which can be used if required on the condition that noone is disturbed when the kid sneaks in. Otherwise the kid is sent back to own bed. I was told this is a good stepping stone to get a kid to stay in their own bed.

2. take kid back to bed, minimal interaction. Repeat until they stay in their own bed.

3. send the kid back to bed, minimal interaction, ignore kid, repeat same short statement, e.g. "It's the middle of the night, go back to bed." Repeat until they go back to bed.

But I think it'll get worse before it gets better. Any kind of sleep training will meet with some (probably noisy) resistance, but it'll be worth it in the end.

My father is very old school, never changed a nappy, didn't deal with small children, etc. tell your DH to use the old fashioned method of dealing with kids at night -> sleep like a log.

Don't be afraid to try new techniques in case they don't work -- just try them and see what happens. It's not likely to make things worse!

There were times, when we were dealing with sleep deprivation, that I really thought we might split up, we were so exhausted and miserable. As soon as we could sleep again everything was great.

I really think you should focus on this as a practical problem, because if you can sort it, that should erase the emotional problems and fears you have.

Perhaps for a start: have your DH sleep in the spare room for a week, during which you do the Jo Frost return to bed 100 times if necessary method (optimally your DH should help with this too but he sounds a bit grumpy about it!)

And even if going out with your DH doesn't sound like fun at the moment -- do it. You need to remind yourselves that life is not all grim and sleepless.

Tell your husband he´s lucky-I was a SAHM & my children shouted for their Dad-& if I went, they shouted louder.

There were occasions when they both slept in with him in the Kingsize bed & I had the luxury was in one of their double beds.

Thought I'd see how this thread was going. Having read your post at 11:36, OP, I actually think you need to look hard at your relationship with DH. It sounds like he has assumed the upper hand and that you need to be much firmer about stating YOUR needs. There is nothing wrong (imo) with dividing tasks along 'traditional' gender lines, BUT only if the contribution of each partner is equally valued and it is recognised that the family unit would not function properly without both adults' contributions. Otherwise you might as well be a single parent (ok you'd still have to deal with DS's sleep issues but at least you wouldn't have a selfish rude DH making you feel bad about it).

Any kind of sleep training will meet with some (probably noisy) resistance, but it'll be worth it in the end.

I agree. The problem is, the OP doesn't dare cause DS to make any noise for fear of angering DH, so she has unwittingly trained him to wake her up and demand co-sleeping in the spare room.

It is a vicious cycle that needs breaking. That takes emotional strength.

Mos - but sleep deprivation turns even the most patient, lovliest people into monsters. DH and I were horrible to each other a few months ago, we were both so selfish, and fought over the most trivial things, simply due to a lack of sleep, and now things are really good again. Lots of problems, especially attitude problems, can dissapear once you start getting enough sleep again.

I think dreamings suggestion is the way to go.

Erm... slightly off-track here, but 47 is not old!

As you were...

If he is making the money so you can SAH to look after your son, it is your responsibility to deal with night wakings. Firstly, this is part of what you're being paid for, and secondly, he has to go to work. Even if you're tired, you can schedule your day so that you can struggle through.

If you are bothered about Victorian attitudes, why have you adopted a traditional set up where he makes the money and you stay at home? Sounds like you like this arrangement as it suits you, but then you complain about his values - values which you are implicitly supporting through your family set-up.

I take on board what you say Rabbit and do accept that night wakings are my responsibility - i'd never in a million years ask him to 'do one' whilst working - but i do think a bit of kindness, support, appreciation etc wouldn't go amiss...i'm pretty sure i offer it. And also surely one weekend morning once in a while so that I can have a lie-in....anyway i plan to discuss it with him Calmly and Diplomatically over a glass..bottle..of wine this evening...thanks again all. PS Clam i never said old...just old-ER...

Yanbu.

Yes, that's the thing here. Mooles wasn't objecting to doing the night run, just her DH's complete lack of appreciation about it - or worse than that, being a grumpy old git.