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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be tearing my hair out - autism related

26 replies

sitandnatter · 11/12/2011 15:33

Hi sorry to be a newbie and come straight in for advice but I am tearing my hair out here.

I have an autistic teen who can be the most loving child in the world but needs everything to be on his terms. Today I've had a three hour meltdown, three solid hours, rudeness, complaints, moans, insults all because the schedule he was expecting was disrupted.

He is high functioning but couldn't see what he'd done wrong or why I was at the end of my tether. I'd never hurt him but I just wanted the noise to stop so ended up shouting at him which is the worst thing you can do.

Now I feel useless and exhausted. So AIBU?

OP posts:
PicotFanStitch · 11/12/2011 15:41

You're not useless. My HFA son is a bit younger (so probably not as hard as dealing with a teen), but one of our rules is that if you're going to scream and shout, you have to go to your room to do it. Doesn't always work with the change-of-plan tantrums because the change of plan often, outrageously, involves leaving the house, but we do find that having rules for meltdowns makes them less scary for him and less infuriating for us. But sometimes there is just an insoluble conflict between everyone else's perfectly reasonable arrangements and ds's needs. We do not take the view that ds gets to dictate everyone else's life, and so these things happen. Tis a bugger. Sympathy.

Dawndonnathatchristmasiscoming · 11/12/2011 15:44

I have three. You're right, shouting doesn't work, but we all do it.
As Picot said, send him to his room, to have his meltdown there. When it's over, do the 'how would you feel if you were on the receiving end' thing. Usually, we find that changes of plan just make them frightened, which in turn causes the meltdown.

The other thing we use is, 'it's a diagnosis, not an excuse'. So we allow for meltdowns due to changes, panic etc. But we will not allow for rudeness, insults etc.
Hope it all works out for you and you get to enjoy your afternoon.

LineRunnerCrouchingReindeer · 11/12/2011 15:44

By the way, lots of parents end up shouting at their teens. It's always the worst thing you can do, SN or no SN, but it happens. You are not useless but you probably are exhausted. More sympathy.

hanaka88 · 11/12/2011 15:48

Mine locked himself in the car today at the tip Sad I thought leaving the door open and standing near it would be ok. Not shouting was incredibly hard. You're doing great. Tomorrow is another day

Original poster
sitandnatter · 11/12/2011 16:20

My mum wanted to take him out to get his Christmas present, he told me it wouldn't be good but as everyone has so kindly said, he doesn't get to dictate the terms. He hates Christmas, change of food, change of routine, hates surprises, hates not getting surprises. So straight off we have a change of routine and a reminder that Christmas is coming up.

My mum usually sees the angelic side, she really felt sorry for me today. It's actually been going on since Friday at this intense level. Just had to do a quick shop and it was all I could do not to burst into tears at the check out.

I'm normally so strong, I'm the backbone, today I'm jelly. Sorry for moaning and thanks for your kind words.

OP posts:
neuroticmumof3 · 11/12/2011 17:17

You have my sympathy. I have a teenage DS with HFA. When he goes into meltdown it is relentless and lasts for hours. It's so draining and exhausting. Christmas is a particularly trying time for children like ours.

troisgarcons · 11/12/2011 17:19

We've just had one of those ...... never mind .... one of thsoe things. Tho' its tough

Original poster
sitandnatter · 11/12/2011 17:22

Well I've just sat and burst into tears for the first time in a couple of years. He is now terrified at his mum crying and wanting to make me better. I am not sure whether to feel guilty that I couldn't hold it together in front of him or relieved that for once he can see how his behaviour impacts on me and hope that for a while it makes a difference.

He's managed about 20 minutes of empathy and has now gone back to his Xbox. :(

OP posts:
suburbandream · 11/12/2011 17:26

My Asperger's DS2 is a bit younger than your son, but I totally understand and sympathise! Can I suggest you visit the Special Needs: Children board, lots of very helpful, knowledgeable folk on there who are always willing to listen to a rant or provide sympathy Smile

Original poster
sitandnatter · 11/12/2011 17:28

I'll go for a wander see what I can find. Thanks for the tip.

OP posts:
IndigoBell · 11/12/2011 17:40

Come and join us on the SN children board. You'll find loads of people going through the same.

OneWaySystemBlues · 11/12/2011 17:47

Just wanted to say I know how you feel, I have one of my own (HF ASD Teen). I find it so hard that sometimes I just want to be a hermit and escape from it all. He can be violent, but even when he's not (which isn't all the time) he's very demanding, wants the same levels of attention as a toddler, wants everything on his terms and is never wrong about anything! I know shouting doesn't work and is not good with ASD, but there's only so much a person can take and we're all human - done it loads myself. Not got much advice, except don't beat yourself up, look after yourself and get an early night if you can. Things always look a bit better if you're not knackered as well.

Original poster
sitandnatter · 11/12/2011 17:55

Thanks all. I don't think it helped as am Mum's carer, had mum and son together and both have different needs. It is also hard to balance the needs of an underactive mum and overactive child.

He's sorry now though so the storm has passed. This time though it has taken it's toll on me.

OP posts:
Dawndonnathatchristmasiscoming · 11/12/2011 18:00

It will take it's toll on you. Try and chill out this evening. He's probably gone back to his xbox because it's safe. I know that's what one of mine does when it all gets too much. It's her way of blocking it out, because she's frightened.
Here's what you need. Wine

Original poster
sitandnatter · 11/12/2011 18:02

Dawn that is just what I was thinking. Is it too early for a glass of wine though? :)

OP posts:
Maryz · 11/12/2011 18:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

InExcelsisDeo · 11/12/2011 18:10

Totally agree that Christmas is a very difficult time for many austistic children, and for us. There are so many stressors and changes of routine for them, coupled with the fact that there are many different stresses on us coming from all directions at this time of year.

And the conflicting demands that Christmas makes vs the increased needs of a more anxious child.

And there is no school, no respite etc although the child needs the routine and the parent needs the break more than ever.

I call Christmas "The Perfect Storm." (although this is not what i write on my christmas cards).

Peachy · 11/12/2011 18:10

Sympathy here as well: I have 2.5 (the 0.5 has no diagnosis yet but will do, one day).

DS1 is twelve now and we have those three hour meltdowns and a complete lack of understanding from any perspective. It's hard and you have my empathy and probably more usefully support.

Original poster
sitandnatter · 11/12/2011 18:12

I'm usually really good Maryz honest. But he's been going at it since Friday, and it's been so intense. Nothing is good enough, our house is "CR*P", my work is crap, my car is crap, in reality we live in a nice house with an OK car but countering the constant negativity can sometimes drag me down. I'm not used to it though it's been a couple of years since it's got to me like it has today.

OP posts:
Original poster
sitandnatter · 11/12/2011 18:14

Thanks to all for sharing their stories it makes me feel like people understand which helps a lot thank you.

OP posts:
Maryz · 11/12/2011 18:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wannabestressfree · 11/12/2011 18:23

I second what maryz said. I always do the nodding and avoidance thing. I never get in the ring with him when he is on one! My ds then follows me around mentally and sadly sometimes physically prodding me!

I really think as + teens is a lousy time.

Original poster
sitandnatter · 11/12/2011 18:24

That's interesting Maryz, it's not good to hear that other AS chldren just focus on negatives but it is nice to know these complaints aren't unique to us.

He was pretty much gutted he was being restricted to the bottom end of the tv market at £200 for a set for his room. I mean most kids would be thrilled and delighted. I know he can't help it, has no prespective, but it's bloody hard.

He ended up coming home with nothing as I refused to reward he behaviour ASD or not. That made the meltdown worse but I would do it again.

OP posts:
Original poster
sitandnatter · 11/12/2011 18:26

I had the mentally and verbally following me around this afternoon as I grounded him. WHy why why was the cry not understanding what he'd done wrong.

It was relentless but now thankfully passed. Just feeling a little mentally bruised now myself.

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 11/12/2011 18:34

You have my sympathy sitandnatter and I feel for you. Big hug take some time for you