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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

smelt alcohol on my his breath when he came to pick up our son

32 replies

loulabella81 · 11/12/2011 10:58

My one year olds father is a great dad, very attentive and wants to spend as much time with his son as possible. We havent been together since our child was about 2 months old. I ended things because I didnt feel the same about him anymore and he always used to fib about the silliest things, which led to me not trusting him. He has had alcohol problems in the past and gave up drinking when we were together. He now goes out drinking from time to time with his mates but says its under control now. something I believed until yesterday. He came to pick up our son yesterday and I smelt beer on his breath. He said he had one beer the night before at home and that was probably why. However I could tell by the way he was acting that he was lying. My issues- one he was driving my son to his house that day, two im worried he has a drinking problem and three he lies to me which worries me in terms of my son. advice please. x

OP posts:

randommoment · 11/12/2011 11:01

I think you're right to be concerned. IME people with addiction problems lie, lie and lie again. Does he have any formal access rights?

HoudiniHissy · 11/12/2011 11:02

You can call the Police, give his reg number, the time, where he is driving and where he might be.

This time of year the police are HOT on this, so when he comes back, if you still smell alcohol, call the local force.

If he comes smelling of alcohol again, refuse to hand your son over. If he get's larey, call the police and get them to breath test him before handing him over.

Shutupanddrive · 11/12/2011 11:03

What time did he pick your son up? I don't think you could smell it if it was only one the night before as he says, so would think he was lying too. Not sure what you can do at the moment, apart from keep an eye on the situation. Try speaking to him, and tell him if you smell beer on him again he will not be picking your son up

GypsyMoth · 11/12/2011 11:07

How close to him did you get?

HoudiniHissy · 11/12/2011 11:08

yy, ONE BEER the night before? Does he not do his teeth?

You know that is a CROCK don't you? Trust your instincts, this is your baby son you are handing over. If your X can't pick up his son without having a drink, you can't hand him over until he gets help.

Original poster

loulabella81 · 11/12/2011 11:12

I didnt get that close, but after suspecting I could smell it on him, I asked him to breath on me. It was overwhelming strong but I could smell beer for sure. He does lie lie lie, its ridiculous, even over the smallest things. He has not formal access rights as we have never been down that road. He is on the birth certificate. I want him to continue his involvement in my sons life, but im so scared what could happen to my son. He is a devoted father- but if you have an addiction I feel that can affect your judegement in a big way.

OP posts:

Original poster

loulabella81 · 11/12/2011 11:13

And my worry about saying to him if 'I smell alcohol on you again when are coming to collect our son, then I wont allow you take him' is him trying harder to cover up his drinking from me in the future.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 11/12/2011 11:14

Id not have let the child go. However, my friend used to stink of drink the day after being on a bender.

He isn't safe to drive himself let alone a child he would still be over the limit.

randommoment · 11/12/2011 11:16

Frankly, unless he's got Parental Rights or a formal access arrangement, I'd be looking to avoid letting him have sole charge of your DS, and if he has got these rights, I'd be looking at ways round them. I let my brother babysit a few years ago, when he was in the early stages of the alcoholism that killed him earlier this year, and he hurt one of the children by recklessness. He didn't mean to, but because he was as it turned out drunk, he got them playing a boisterous dangerous game which ended in tears and me taking DD1 to A&E with suspected spinal injuries. Thankfully just nasty bruising in the end, but could have been appalling.

saladsandwich · 11/12/2011 11:17

my ex was an alcoholic and unfortunately when they are drinking drink comes first, he picked ds up once and i could smell alcohol luckily he was going down to his mums. he would lie to cover another lie. ds's dad has supervised access now, either with his mum or me, he is sober but i cant trust him not to drink out of the blue

Original poster

loulabella81 · 11/12/2011 11:20

He seemed perfectly fine and didnt stink of drink. I picked up a scent of beer. He reassured me it was from one beer the night before and at the time I thought he could be telling the truth. On reflection I feel I was stupid for letting my son go. Ive been thinking about how he was behaving when discussing it and I recognise the signals from when he used to lie to me when we were together. I would have never let him take my son if id of thought at the time he was over the limit. How am I meant to protect my son if his father cant even be honest with me. I am so upset that he cant even be honest with me

OP posts:

randommoment · 11/12/2011 11:20

x post. Thank God he hasn't got parental rights! You're perfectly right about addiction affecting judgment - it goes completely out of the window. I don't doubt he loves his son, but if he's already at the pathetic lie stage of alcoholism, then his obsessive relationship with alcohol will take priority over all other things including his own well-being, let alone that of his child.

FabbyChic · 11/12/2011 11:22

It would take more than one beer for you to be able to smell it, surely he would have brushed his teeth?

Tell him if he smells of drink when he comes to pick up son he cannot take him simple.

Original poster

loulabella81 · 11/12/2011 11:23

he always said to me in the passed that he wasnt an alcoholic, he just had issues with alcohol- is there a difference? He holds down a full time job, pays support for his son and I havent seen him drunk since our son was born.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 11/12/2011 11:24

What he does when he doesnt have his son is not really your business, providing he doesnt drink when he has him, and doesnt come to collect him stinking of drink because it is not safe to drive him if he does.

randommoment · 11/12/2011 11:25

He will continue to be dishonest with everyone including himself until he starts to face up to the fact he has an illness and seeks treatment for it. And the only person who can make him take that step is himself.
Al-Anon may be able to support and advise you.
Lots of love and hugs, 'cos you're going to need them if you continue to have any sort of relationship with him (I mean in the sense of co-parenting a child).

Original poster

loulabella81 · 11/12/2011 11:25

i feel devasted for my son as they love each other so much. How am I supposed to protect him when I cant believe a word his father says. I just dont know what to do

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 11/12/2011 11:26

But he does have parental rights ( PR)

Maybe a solicitors letter will make him stop and think?

FabbyChic · 11/12/2011 11:27

Look he can drink as much as he likes when he doesnt have your son, its when he does that is all that matters.

He is entitled to drink, go on a bender, just not smell of drink when he picks the kid up.

randommoment · 11/12/2011 11:30

He's a functioning alcoholic. He's at a stage where he can still stop himself from drinking if he chooses. But the lying bit indicates he's very close to the place where he won't be able to stop himself - he will give himself an excuse to drink - a friend's celebration, having a nasty cold so needing lots of hot toddies.

HoudiniHissy · 11/12/2011 11:33

loulabella. To be brutal, your son is 1yo. If he never saw him for the next 5 years, I can guarantee he'd not remember him. So the 'they love each other so much' is irrelevant tbh.

If your X loved his son as much as you hope he does, he'd not put him at risk.

You don't have anything to be devastated about, this is your X choice, not yours. If he's not fit to care for a child, then YOU don't have to share him do you?

Get tough, you need to stand up and SHRIEK for your dear boy, you need to protect him FROM his father. Only his father can sort himself out.

Tell him if he drinks he won't see his son. It's THAT simple.

randommoment · 11/12/2011 11:33

What sort of relationship do you have with his family? Are you on speaking terms with his mum for instance.
Will have to drop off MN for a while and do some parenting.

oldmerryolesoul · 11/12/2011 11:34

Random he is on the birth Certificate so he does have Parental Rights.

But PR or not, I would not be letting someone who smelt of alcohol take my child anywhere

Original poster

loulabella81 · 11/12/2011 11:39

I get on with all of his family but I dont think they know the half of it, no one does x

OP posts:

HoudiniHissy · 11/12/2011 11:46

Tell the family. Tell them that if X smells of drink, or appears drunk, he won't be taking your son anywhere.

It'll be down to them to decide to help him or not. Only HE can solve this.

You don't need to do a thing. don't forget that!

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