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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think if you invite kids to a party you shouldn't then...

65 replies

buttonmoon78 · 11/12/2011 06:14

expect them to pay?

DD1 is 14. She was invited last night to her friend's birthday party. We dropped her off at her friend's house where they got ready involving lots of make up and hair straightening no doubt and were then taken to the cinema by friend's mum. Who then asked each of them for the money for their ticket.

Thankfully, despite being told be her friend that everything was covered, DH decided to give her £20 out of the Christmas money as he dropped her off so she was ok, but what if he hadn't?

And wouldn't you have made it clear that not everything is covered? I've never asked for a contribution to a party (unless its a grown up one where booe is good!) but if I were to then I would make it very clear! If DD had not had money she would have been mightily embarrassed.

I guess I'm a little over-cross as things are quite (very?) tight at the moment so the £7 for her ticket was destined for Christmas food but AIBU? Would you do that?

OP posts:

QOD · 11/12/2011 09:49

what a cheek. my dd. is 13 next week and takin 5 friends the cinema. also to macDonalds. I am paying with tesco cinema vouchers and paying the mac myself. assortment of sweets got a carries bag to share and bottle of water each to take sneak in. have told dd. to make it clear that if they want pop corn ,they bring cash and sort it themselves. that's normal in my neck of the woods

mumto2andnomore · 11/12/2011 09:59

If its for a birthday and involves presents etc then parents pay.

If its just an outing with friends they pay for themselves.

Thats how it works with my DD anyway,shes 12.

HereKittyKitty · 11/12/2011 11:58

YANBU, Not teenagers but DH's friend had a birthday "party" at one of these vintage cinema places, to watch some crap old movie, eat sausage rolls, and made everyone cough up £20 for the privilege...

QuintessentiallyFestive · 11/12/2011 12:05

I think at that age they are way beyond the party stage, and pay for their own tickets, meals etc. They are just a group of friends going out, and the fact that it is somebodys birthday is secondary. Like when a group of grown up women go out to the cinema and for drinks on somebodys birthday, they dont expect the birthday person to pay for them.

QOD · 11/12/2011 12:25

they do here quint

QuintessentiallyFestive · 11/12/2011 12:28

QOD, adults you mean, or teens?

manicinsomniac · 11/12/2011 12:33

my children are still at the party at home stage but when I was a teenager I can remember going out for meals or to the cinema for people's birthdays and always paying for ourselves (or getting out parents to give us money!) It wasn't an affluent area and I don't see how any of us could have had parties like that if one person was paying for everybody. I don't think it would occur to me that the birthday person's family would shoulder the whole cost.

However, the expectations should have been made clear to you, it could have been very embarrassing for your daughter

Eggrules · 11/12/2011 12:37

If a birthday party with present expected, I wouldn't expect to have to pay. If this wasn't the case advance notice before rsvp is required.

If teh kids are meeting at teh cinema in a group they should pay for themselves.

QOD · 11/12/2011 15:20

teens - sorry didn't quite read your post in full. If it's a HEY let's go to the cinema - they pay their own, if it's HEY it's my birthday, then it's paid for. This will be the last year that I will though I think.

I kinda go with the thought that if I am sending out an invite, to meet at our house, to go to the cinema for DD's birthday, then it's my shout

CuriousMama · 11/12/2011 15:27

Did you give a gift to birthday girl? If not then it's understandable your dd should pay.

Ds1 is 14 and recently went to the cinema with a friend for friend's bday. Friend's mum paid, ds1 took sweets with him. I gave a card with cash in and some chocolate to friend.

Original poster

buttonmoon78 · 11/12/2011 15:31

Sorry - been out all day!

It was termed a party - it's my party, would you like to come to the cinema with me etc. Her parents took them there and picked up afterwards.

The £20 was just in case money - as in, in case she got separated from the rest of the group. Obviously, I would have gone to get her if that had happened but it's nice to know they could get a taxi home if required. All the other parents had done the same thing but DD said that her and one of the others were talking in the loos saying that it was really odd.

She didn't spend anything else - not even a drink or popcorn. Mind you - that would have been more than the change I suspect And she was mortified when she got home and gave DH the change as she knows it's Christmas money.

FWIW, we still do parties here and I shall continue to do so for a while, including things like this, a bunch of mates to the cinema or Pizza Hut or whatever. It's never once crossed my mind to ask for contributions. Not even when DH was out of work.

I'm glad the general feeling is I am NBU. I was beginning to doubt myself!

OP posts:

Original poster

buttonmoon78 · 11/12/2011 15:32

And sorry again - yes to present. It was a birthday party after all

OP posts:

CuriousMama · 11/12/2011 15:34

buttonmoon78 then they're way out of order.

I still do parties or sleep overs etc.. and my dss are 11 and 14.

BrigitBigKnickers · 11/12/2011 15:55

My DD is 15- it seems to be the culture amongst her friends to all pay for themselves when they go out for birthdays.

When she went out for her birthday (to an indian restaurant)- I gave her enough to cover the bill but all her friends said no and paid for themselves- fair enough if they all do the same for their birthdays.

I thought it was odd the first time it happened but it seems to be the norm- at least amongst her friends.

IDontDoIroning · 11/12/2011 16:01

My dd was 12 recently and had a cinema trip as a party amid good afterwards. I paid for it all and supplied sweeties and popcorn from the supermarket. I wouldn't have asked any of them for money for their tickets but would have expected them to pay if they had wanted any extras or more popcorn etc.
I think that bringing a present reciprocates for the cost and had Money been tight I would either have cut down on the numbers or not gone for food after.
I would be very wary of invites from his girl in future.

Pandemoniaa · 11/12/2011 16:14

It's the witholding of the vital detail about payment that would annoy me. It isn't unreasonable to assume that the cost of a party is covered and that those invited bring a present. If this isn't the case then the invitation should state, clearly, that the cost of going to the party is however much per head for admission or whatever.

I always paid for invited children to do whatever had been planned for my dcs's birthdays. However, I also gave the dcs the choice of a more expensive trip (like the cinema, for example) for just a few guests or a larger, cheaper do for a greater number. This arrangement came to an end once they reached the age when they didn't need adults to come along with them and at that stage they planned their own birthday celebrations with their friends paying their own share of whatever was decided upon.

To spring an unexpected demand for £20 when actually at the cinema could have been deeply embarrassing all round and is certainly not very tactful given that money is usually at its tightest at this time of the year.

cory · 11/12/2011 16:23

Mine are old enought to go into town alone for their birthdays. Round here, if it is for a birthday and sold as a party, the birthday child's parents supply enough money for any entertainment that you have to pay for to be able to stick with your group (e.g. cinema, basic meal at McDonalds), but money for going round the shops is not supplied (as you can go round shops without buying).

The assumption is that money is probably tight and that people will not be carrying around more than they need- so if they were going to be required to take some, they would need warning well in advance (and might not be able to come)>

carabos · 11/12/2011 16:29

When DSs were the age to start organising their own birthday dos, the trend among the parents was to make a contribution to a meal out , say pay for all main courses. The DCs would then pay for puds/drinks themselves. That worked well and crucially, everyone knew the score.

An adult friend of mine organised a party for her 40th at a local upmarket restaurant. Champagne reception, restaurant closed to outsiders, flower arrangements, photographer, the lot. Then she asked all the guests for £70 a head, which was to cover the costs and make sure that she and her DP paid nothing.

Her best friend, much wealthier and with an indulgent husband, copied the whole thing for her own significant birthday some time later, and one-upped the original by paying for it all herself and telling everyone it was to make up for the embarrassment of the first party. Nice.

Pagwatch · 11/12/2011 16:30

if you invite people to a party then you pay for it.

You don't invite people to a party and then expect them to cough up. That isn't a party - that is a group of mates agreeing to meet up at the cinema.

The age has fuck all to do with it. I invited my friends to a spa for my birthday. I didn't then expect them to pay.

Bloody cheek.

zukiecat · 11/12/2011 16:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sitandnatter · 11/12/2011 16:32

YANBU if I invite my son's friends to celebrate his birthday then I'd expect to pay. If they are going out as mates, they pay for themselves. But you dont invite someone to effectively a birthday celebration then get them to divvy up.

I guess it would be OK if you made it very very clear in the first place.

cat64 · 11/12/2011 16:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

EssentialFattyAcid · 11/12/2011 16:43

No way would I ask for or accept contributions to a birthday party event.

My dd is 12 and I expect to be footing the bill for future birthday parties or alternatively birthday treats for many years to come.

There's not much you can do in this situation though. YANBU.

JaquelineHydesNominator · 11/12/2011 16:47

I would expect the hosts to pay.

I took Ds2 and 3 pals to the cinema (dropped them off) for his 12 birthday last month but I paid them all in and paid for cokes/popcorn also.

valentia · 11/12/2011 16:53

YANBU. The way most people I know do it is if someone invites their friends out on their birthday (what everyone seems to be doing this year is going out for a meal), the birthday person pays for them, that also helps the birthday person to decide who they really want there as parents won't normally pay for lots of people. If your DD had been told beforehand that she had to pay, it would have been fine.

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