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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that calling an absent father a "sperm donor" is a bit offensive?

30 replies

Sixyearoldwoes · 10/12/2011 08:33

Sperm donors, especially these days since anonymity laws changed are quite likely to care about couples who can't conceive. They have not abandoned a family. Their actions come through considered action and they will have been counselled by a clinic. Not the same as someone who fathers a child and then doesn't face up to hybrid responsibilities.

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Original poster

Sixyearoldwoes · 10/12/2011 08:34

His-not hybrid-not sure where that came from!

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aldiwhore · 10/12/2011 08:35

Interesting slant on this, I was expecting you to be championing useless fathers!

YANBU at all. I think it may be time for a new insult? :)

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 10/12/2011 08:49

actually, you do have a point. I've never thought of it that way.
someone who donates sperm has done so to help.
someone who abandons his family didn't 'donate' his sperm as such, it's just that he fucked and fucked off.

But it's just used to conjure up an image of someone who has no involvement with the child. I don't think anyone has really analysed what they're saying.

Original poster

Sixyearoldwoes · 10/12/2011 08:50

Should declare my hand I guess-although I really want honest opinions hence aibu post-my children are donor conceived. I am pretty well adjusted about it I think, but it makes me wince when I hear the "just a sperm donor" comment. Although tbh, I am sure there are reasons why men are in a position where they make the choice to abandon their family. Like most people I think they probably need support not judgement. On the fence, me?

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HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 10/12/2011 08:54

yeah. You're going to need help getting out those splinters!

I, otoh, am not on the fence. I think that if a person chooses to walk away from their family, they are a shit of the highest order.

If they are trying, if they are being prevented, if they are fighting, if they are paying, if they are ill... then I will have some sympathy. But if they walk away and don't want to be in their child's life - they're a fuckwit, plain and simple.

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 10/12/2011 08:55

I should say wallk away from their children not family! If a couple split up, they split up. Leaving an unhappy relationship is not a heartless thing to do.

Walking away from your children is what is unforgiveable.

Original poster

Sixyearoldwoes · 10/12/2011 08:56

Put like that...climbing down from fence and locating tweezers!

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3wisemenandacameltoeinlycra · 10/12/2011 08:59

I call DDs biological father MT, it stands for Microscopic Tadpole, as the only thing he contributed to her life was his sperm. As Hecate put it, he is a fuckwit.

Original poster

Sixyearoldwoes · 10/12/2011 09:29

Omg-I just read my "there are reasons" bit of post. What was I thinking?

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perplexedpirate · 10/12/2011 09:31

My father had a good reason for walking away from me when I was three and never making contact again. It's because he's a feckless wanker. Are there support groups for that, Feckless Wankers Anonymous?

Good point about the sperm donor business, I don't think I've ever described him as that, and I shall be careful not to.

perplexedpirate · 10/12/2011 09:34

Good point about the sperm donor business, I don't think I've ever described him as that, and I shall be careful not to.

Original poster

Sixyearoldwoes · 10/12/2011 09:35

Perplexed-I'm sorry. No support groups. Just apology from me.

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blueballoon79 · 10/12/2011 09:57

Microscopic Tadpole! Haha I love that!

Original poster

Sixyearoldwoes · 10/12/2011 10:10

The microscopic tadpole gives all the credit to the tadpole and none to its provider!

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3wisemenandacameltoeinlycra · 10/12/2011 10:12

Exactly where all the credit should go

FabbyChic · 10/12/2011 10:18

I called my kids dad the Donor for a long time, that is in effect all he is/was.

Onemorning · 10/12/2011 10:18

YANBU

I've never thought of it that way, and I shall try not to use the phrase in future.

When my parents split, my dad was an absentee father. A shit dad, but great at being absent :)

sozzledchops · 10/12/2011 10:31

Sixyearold - curious, do you keeping touch with the donor, will he ever have a part in the children's lives? I feel a bit mixed about egg and sperm donors.

perplexedpirate · 10/12/2011 10:35

Don't apologise, I'm not offended. Just sometimes people (fathers) are shit that's all.
My stepdad is awesome! :)

Maryz · 10/12/2011 10:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 10/12/2011 10:41

I know this has nothing to do with anything

But I've never heard an absent Mother called an "egg donor" or "temporary womb acommodation"

Sorry, just thinking out loud

Birdsgottafly · 10/12/2011 10:42

Some men donate sperm because they like the idea of their genetics carrying on (because they are so great) without the hard work. The system in the UK may be 'fool proof' (but i doubt it) but around the world where men can be paid for sperm, it is a different case.

People very really think about the insults that they come up with, sex workers could get offended by being calls whores, for example. Pole dancers are not strippers etc.

GrownUpBelievesInSanta · 10/12/2011 10:46

I don't like the phrase at all, it's very negative because it's usually done in a quite angry way and accompanied by a rant about the man and how terrible and useless he is. Too much care is given to the situation if that makes sense, and why waste your emotion on it if they certainly aren't wasting theirs?

Yes I know it's very hard, but having a ball of anger within yourself has got to show surely. That doesn't mean being accepting of men doing this, it's wrong for sure, but you have to be able to get on and raise your child and not give them a complex about it by being bitter and sort of name calling. The can learn that it is wrong to do it, and see how much you care for them and want them to do well and be loved, without resorting to angry names and running the other parent down.

I don't know if I have made that very clear at all. I just see being so consumed by anger or bad feeling that you essentially name call as being negative and I do my best (and sometimes fail) to remain removed from it and bolster my child with as much love and positive feeling as I can to try to make them strong enough to deal with this abandonment without letting it consume them.

I'm going to stop typing now, I hope I've made sense.

TheFallenMadonna · 10/12/2011 10:47

I find there is no good term. I would probably go with sperm donor, because then there is absolutely no suggestion of any relationship between me and a man I have never seen, or rather, who saw me once as a very tiny baby, and who has never had any role in my life. And I don't mean it negatively, because that decision has certainly been for the best for me long term.

Different where there is a disrupted relationship I should think.

Original poster

Sixyearoldwoes · 10/12/2011 10:47

Sozzled, I imagine lots of people do. Our children were conceived, or at least dd1 was hence allowing us to use the same donor with same anonymity rules, before April 2005 and so the donor will remain anonymous unless he chooses to change that situation. Children conceived after that date have the right to know the name of their donor when they are eighteen. I am at ease with the situation having given it a lot of thought and research and also having quite a lot of time with the counsellor from the clinic who is experienced in this area. The evidence is that children whose parents are open from the start have little trouble understanding or accepting donor conception. It is a hugely personal choice, but we have been open with ours and explained in appropriate language. Dd1 currently shows little interest in it-interesting that it never came up at school when I was expecting dd2. This may change as they get older. There is a register of donor siblings from anonymous donors. We will make sure they are aware of it and support them if they choose to seek them out. They may well ask why we chose not to wait a few months and allow them to be conceived using a known donor. I will be as honest as I can about how we were worried about the supply of donors plummeting and our, right or wrong, sense of urgency about having a family and how we made the best decision we could at the time, supported by a very highly thought of clinic.

Short answer to your question is, as the law stands, no. But happy to answer any others the best I can.

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