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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My in-laws (DS Grandparents) spend more than us on Christmas presents for DS

66 replies

metropolis · 10/12/2011 03:14

My DS is nearly 3 and last Christmas and this Christmas my in-laws have bought more expensive and bigger presents than us for our DS. I know they want to spoil him, they have a good pension, whereas we struggle financially, but how would it appear to my DS that he gets larger than life presents from his grandparents than his own parents?

OP posts:

barnowl · 10/12/2011 10:38

UABU my DP's often spend more on the DC's than we do as now Me and my siblings are all grown up they can afford it, they know we can't and they enjoy being able to give our DC's the nice things they couldn't afford to buy when we were little. I really appreciate it because the DC's are benefiting from their generosity 'cause if they didn't buy them these things they wouldn't have them.

EricNorthmansMistress · 10/12/2011 11:05

Are you serious?
I mean really?

FoxyRoxy · 10/12/2011 11:17

He's too young to know the difference, 2/3 year olds have no concept of the value of money. In fact he probably prefers playing with the box!

Some people feel the need to buy love from others, some people are just generous. Which do you think your ils are?

chrisrobin · 10/12/2011 11:18

My parents and in-Laws spend much more on my DC than we do. The DC don't notice the monetary aspect of it just that mum and dad got them x which they wanted and love and Grandma and Grandpa bought them Y which they also wanted and love. I'm sure your son will not notice the difference in value, just that he has so many wonderful gifts.

Sometimes I feel bad because I wish we could afford to buy them the big presents but that is my issue and it is very kind of my parents and my in-Laws to buy the big things and I am very grateful.

YuleingFanjo · 10/12/2011 11:19

if you worry that this will continue as he gets older, or if you just don't like the fact that so much is being spent on him you should get your husband to speak to them. Maybe ask if they could buy smaller gifts and put the money into an account for him to have when he is older.

I don't think saying 'he's too young to ntice' is fair on you op. Clearly you are uncomfortable with the fact that you are unable to spend as much on your own child which I think is fair enough.

paranoid2android · 10/12/2011 11:21

I thought that was what grandparents were for!

FabbyChic · 10/12/2011 11:22

It means you can buy the smaller cheaper things, does it really matter where the presents come from? It doesn't he is only 3.

PandaNot · 10/12/2011 11:22

My parents spend more on our dc than we do. They can afford to spoil them in a way they couldn't do for us when we were children and they get an awful lot of pleasure from it. I have no problems with it, the dc know that someone's affection for them isn't measured by the amount of money they spend on them.

Ilovepigs · 10/12/2011 11:27

I am estranged from my mum and the only time I see her is xmas and the dcs birthdays. She goes mad with buying them presents.
Tbh it doesnt bother me as I think its only fair she treats the kids after the shitty way she behaves towards me.

andaPontyinaPearTreeeeee · 10/12/2011 14:23

OP isn't slagging off her ILs, and she's not saying oh woe is me... She is just wondering if this seems wrong somehow, that's all.

I can empathise, OP, that you feel it should be you who provides for your DCs, so I only mean it in the nicest possible way when I say "get over it"

youarekidding · 10/12/2011 14:36

I agree with pointyinaPeartree. My mum (and dad!) spend far more than me, they can afford it, I use to think this was mad but have come to realise over the years that DS see's nanny as the one with the cash and me as the provider of non materialistic things.

When DS sort of mentioned this a few months back I did say I would buy him lot's of toys and he could walk to Nannys for dinner every night He did get 'where' my money goes!

Pandemoniaa · 10/12/2011 14:38

I honestly thought it was part of my role as a grandmother to help my ds2 and ddil by being able to afford the occasional big present for dgd given that money is a little tighter for them. Admittedly, I don't just turn up and shower the baby with ridiculous magnificence and I do buy items that they've told me they would want for her and none of us sit around putting an emotional and financial value on gifts.

My own grandmother/mother/ former PILS and DP's parents all did similarly when our dcs were small and it didn't cause resentment. Instead, we were delighted to have thoughtfully chosen presents that were, perhaps, a little more expensive than we could afford at the time. It wasn't a competitive thing, simply a reflection of their desire to help out at a time when they had rather more disposable income than us.

Don't allow resentment to creep in here. I know we all want to give our dcs the best but sometimes you need to recognise generosity for what it is and not assume a competitive agenda.

Greenshirt · 10/12/2011 17:56

It doesn't bother me that my parents seem to get loads for our kids,but it pisses my husband right off.

andaPontyinaPearTreeeeee · 10/12/2011 21:15

Why does it upset your DH greenshirt?

Original poster

metropolis · 10/12/2011 21:23

Thanks everyone for your comments and perspectives. It seems like the majority of you think I should just 'chill out' and accept the generosity of my in-laws towards my DS. But I do think some of you are right - its my own insecurity that I as a parent am not able to provide for my DS. However, its good to see perspectives from both children and grandparents. I will chill out about it!

We struggle financially and this year we could just afford to buy DS a camera and small crafty things for his stocking. Last year the in-laws bought him a trike. This year they asked me for a list and I suggested a few items about £15. Then as usual they go to a toy shop and buy the most extravagant big hunks of plastic toys! I tried to hint that we don't have the space in our flat for these big toys but they went ahead anyway.

I know, I know...I just have to just let them buy whatever they want for their grandchild. It just feels like I have no say in the matter as to what kind of presents might be more suitable.

OP posts:

PicotFanStitch · 10/12/2011 21:32

I think gps get to buy presents parents consider unsuitable. That's kind of what that relationship is for, to show children that there are other ways of doing things than their parents' ways, and other opinions. Obviously there are limits - I would take away a toy gun, or a barbie, whoever gave it - but if it's just not to your taste or a bit inconvenient, well, that's families for you. My gps gave us presents my parents couldn't, or wouldn't, afford, and my parents do it for my kids. Children don't have a finite supply of affection and their love isn't for sale, so it's really no threat to you, and only enriches your children's lives.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 10/12/2011 21:41

Can your DH talk to them about what they buy?

My parents are really generous with our boys, and this year they have bought them a few small bits to unwrap and then given me some money towards the big climbing frame/slide thing that we want to get for the garden. Other times they buy a bigger present, or give me money to put in their savings accounts.

Be pleased they are generous, and get your DH to speak to them about what they buy.

Lilyloo · 10/12/2011 21:47

I love it when dp's family 'treat' the kids , dp's sis recently came over from Aus and had taken dd2 shopping. She got the most beautiful coat which she loves , i could never afford to buy it and was extremely greatfull she had chosen to spend her money on dd.
I wish my family would 'help' out more.
You are very lucky op.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 10/12/2011 21:51

There have been years when the presents my parents bought were the only presents my DCs got at Christmas. There have been years when the only presents I bought them consisted of school uniforms wrapped in recycled paper. So basically, STFU OP you don't know when you're well off!

TysTheSeasonToBeJolly · 10/12/2011 21:54

My Inlaws have always done this and it made us feel like shit. We got over it in the end when we realised that as long as he is happy that nothing else matters.
I do understand your worries as have been there but for now Santa can be blamed!

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 10/12/2011 22:03

I'm with HughBastard.

exoticfruits · 10/12/2011 22:06

I think that I am missing something-but why does it matter?
Are you equating love with material goods? At the moment DS hasn't a clue about value and later on all he gets out of it is that he has very generous grandparents-I can't see why it impinges on you.

exoticfruits · 10/12/2011 22:08

Perhaps you could do a swap with those who have grandparent who don't care and don't spend much.

naturalbaby · 10/12/2011 22:23

mine too. i feel really guilty that she spends almost double what my parents spend but all he cares about is who is going to sit with him and read a story.
i'm seeing it as a bonus that we don't have to spend so much because he'll get a sack full at the PIL's! it's not just the cost of it all, she has to buy something really big and bulky. most of the kid's toys are in the cupboards or we'd all be tripping over noisy plastic toys all day.

this year dh v.bravely asked her not to spend so much and put some in savings for him as that would mean more to him (and us) and be a lot more worthwhile in the long run. i know there will still be a sack full of stuff though.

pranma · 10/12/2011 22:25

I spoil mine but they dont know it because in my family the pressies are from Santa :)

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