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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my sister is really mean?

66 replies

ilovesooty · 10/12/2011 01:29

My mother is in a residential home. Now that she seems to have come to terms with the fact she's staying there I suggested she had a landline put in her room so that we can communicate. She is now keen. My sister thinks it is a waste of money as she has a mobile (which I bought) that she never answers. Also my sister is very aware that my mother's money will run out in he next two years then her house will have to be sold to pay the care home fees. I think we should make my mother happy while we can with what aftyer all is her money. I would call her at least once a week. My sister said she won't. AMIBU?

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 10/12/2011 11:40

Didn't know that malovitt. Real sad that the sister is a money grabbing bitch.

valiumredhead · 10/12/2011 11:44

YANBU a land line sounds a really nice idea, and it's not like it's going to be hundreds is it?

malovitt · 10/12/2011 11:48

My dad was notoriously frugal.
When I had POA and had to do all his shopping for him, I bought him Taste the Difference/Tesco Finest instead of the Value stuff he had bought himself. It was lovely to see him tucking into his food with gusto.
I wasn't thinking "Ooh, that's another fiver off my inheritance"

Sixyearoldwoes · 10/12/2011 11:50

Coldwed you have no idea whether the op's mother wants or wanted to be cared for at home or in the op's home. And clearly no idea or interest in the heart searching that goes into choosing residential care as an idea or reality.

valiumredhead · 10/12/2011 11:57

malovitt we did similar with my grandfather - was lovely :)

MitroChristmasEve · 10/12/2011 12:01

malovitt is right, once the POA is active, i.e. the cared-for person has been declared to lack capacity to make their own decisions, then the cared-for person also lacks capacity to make a will.

However, you can set up a POA at any time and it is not activated until you lack capacity - as certified by a doctor.

Please everyone, do set up your POA and write your will while you are able to do so. You will have so much more choice about who is in control of your lifestyle and finances.

There are two types of POA - welfare and continuing (financial) and separate people can be appointed for each if you wish.

OP sorry to hijack your thread.

Your sister is of course being unreasonable. It is uncomfortable for your mother to be in clothes that are too tight, she shouldn't have to wait over a month to be comfortable - that could be seen as abusive.

Do go over the POA with your sister and make sure your sister knows that you will quite happily apply to have her removed if your mum's interests are not put first.

valiumredhead · 10/12/2011 12:04

You can still have someone as POA but NOT be declared unable to make your own decisions.

redstormrising · 10/12/2011 12:19

I am just harking back to a comment Hecate made about people calling their potential inheritance their retirement fund. Our neighbours were like this too... for years, and totally without shame they would sit and plan what they would do with the money they would get from the Husband's father. They would actually sit and say 'when father dies I will buy a 4X4 and we will go on a cruise'. They were utterly shameless about it. When the father did die, they did not even buy him a headstone because of the cost, and complained how it would 'eat into' the inheritance.

That was what finished it for my DM and DDad. They told these neighbours exactly what they thought of them.

What is ironic, is that another neighbour who DOES still talk to them told us when they redid their kitchen their son got really angry with them for 'taking away' some of HIS inheritance, and they wer terribly upset about it!

Reap. Sow.

Anyway OP.... I am sorry your sister is like this. I hope you can get the landline for your mum.

valiumredhead · 10/12/2011 12:23

POA should be taken very seriously and they take a very dim view of someone NOT working in the person's bets interests - might be worth reminding your sister of that OP, as a landline WOULD be in your mum's best interests.

Original poster

ilovesooty · 10/12/2011 13:59

Thanks to evryone who responded. My mum wants to stay in the neighbourhood she knows so that friends can visit. In any case I work full time and am self employed too. When she was becoming ill I was down every weekend and got many phone calls during the week as home care wasn't working. She often refused to let the carers in and was falling on a regular basis. She can only move with a frame now and has mild dementia.My sister is deeply resentful of my mother saying for years she had no disposable income and we never expected her savings to be as extensive as they are. However with the income from the house rental they would last about 2 years before the house has to be sold. My mother made it clear that she would only sign for joint POA.

I think I will if necessary get the home to contact my sister and stress that these purchases are in my mother's best interests: I will then be in a better position to remind her about the terms of the POA.

OP posts:

coldwed · 10/12/2011 16:21

malovitt - COLDWED you stupid bitch.

Ha-ha, who pissed in your cornflakes this morning? I may as well return the favour and call you...

malovitt, you're a fucking imbecile of a slug. See? we can all swear and insult each other on the big bad world of the web.

Not clever.

Mwa.

exoticfruits · 10/12/2011 16:23

A good plan. She will then find out that POA isn't about saving money for relatives to inherit.

Original poster

ilovesooty · 10/12/2011 16:36

No, exotic fruits it isn't, and I think she's forgotten that. Obviously it's good to be prudent and maximise the rental income for as long as possible but that shouldn't mean compromising my mum's quality of life.

coldwed since you're back: my mum wouldn't want to live with me even if I could - the terms of my rental wouldn't allow it. She couldn't cope with the stairs or geographical layout of either mine or my sister's house. My sister and I both work - she p/t and myself f/t plus self employment.

OP posts:

diddl · 10/12/2011 16:37

Well I think that your sister sounds really mean to be quibbling about a phone for your mum which she will pay for out of her own money.

There´s no such thing as an inheritance until someone actually dies, is there?

Firawla · 10/12/2011 16:39

That's a disgusting attitude people thinking so much about their inheritance and begrudging the parents spending anything because it will take away from them - horrible, and then how can they spend anything themselves with a clear conciense are they not "taking away inheritence" from their dc then??? what stupid double standards!! Of course your mum should have the landline, skirts and anything else she needs and your sister should get a bit of decency and self respect rather than behaving in such a low way

sandyballs · 10/12/2011 16:54

Your sister sounds like my brother. Our mum is still in her own home and has carers going in, she has alzheimers, not sure how long this set up will work though.

My mum has always said that she would never want to live with me or my brother. She had my grandparents living with her for a decade (my dad's parents) and it almost destroyed her marriage. She also said it spoilt some of our childhood as she didn't have the time for us that she would have done if my grandparents were in a care home.

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