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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my sister is really mean?

66 replies

ilovesooty · 10/12/2011 01:29

My mother is in a residential home. Now that she seems to have come to terms with the fact she's staying there I suggested she had a landline put in her room so that we can communicate. She is now keen. My sister thinks it is a waste of money as she has a mobile (which I bought) that she never answers. Also my sister is very aware that my mother's money will run out in he next two years then her house will have to be sold to pay the care home fees. I think we should make my mother happy while we can with what aftyer all is her money. I would call her at least once a week. My sister said she won't. AMIBU?

OP posts:
aldiwhore · 10/12/2011 07:47

We have POA over FIL who has alzheimers. We don't simply decide what to spend his money on, it it his money, and he can buy what he likes, our job is to protect him from being ripped off. If he wants new clothes he gets them, if he wants 50 pairs of trousers, thats when we tend to take control in the decision making process for his own well being.

You sister sounds thoroughly fatigued by the whole issue of you and your mum (I'm trying to be nice lol) just as my BIL comes out with some strange comments that I find shocking/lacking in care.

Buy your mum some skirts, it is quite normal for the elderly in care homes to change weight as they settle in. I think you need to accept that you are going to be providing for your mum's needs more than your sister. Your sister has to accept that there may never BE an inheritence.

exoticfruits · 10/12/2011 07:47

I don't expect that your mother likes a mobile. I would get her the landline-and call her more than once a week.

malovitt · 10/12/2011 07:48

As POA (I am one too for one of my parents), you and your sister have a duty to act in your mother's best interests at all times. Your sister is not acting in accordance with the POA which she signed.

Download a copy of The Mental Capacity Act 2005 to show to your sister and threaten to write to the Court of Protection for advice.

Their fees are really high, much more than a couple of skirts and a phone line.

NinkyNonker · 10/12/2011 07:53

God people are odd, op you are sooooo not being unreasonable. Reminding your sister that this is your mother's money to be spent on her or by her would be a good way to go. Get the phone, and the skirts, then buy her a proper (by that I don't mean expensive) present in the normal way.

daveywarbeck · 10/12/2011 07:57

Your mother's money is hers until she dies. It should be spent on making her life as comfortable as possible. Your sister is an arse.

TandB · 10/12/2011 08:00

If there is one thing I loathe and detest in family relationships it is people who harp on about "their inheritance". It is crude, distasteful and it inevitably makes you wonder how much of their love for their family is genuine affection and how much is about what they can get.

We have some close family who are very money-orientated and who will quite happily make comments about how "the inheritance" should be managed, sometimes dressed up as jokes, sometimes not. They are also very annoyed that an inheritance from the other side of the family is on hold because of a life-time interest for an elderly relative. It leaves a very bad taste in my mouth.

Perhaps take some legal advice, OP - you may find there is a way of drafting a power of attorney that means that money is directed towards your mother's care in the way you want.

TestAnswers · 10/12/2011 08:16

Your mum wants a landline and will use her own money to pay for it and your sister objects? How dare she quite frankly! YANBU.
My nan was always worried about spending HER money as she saw it as mine and my brothers inheritance (my mum, her only child, had already died). We always thought that was very odd and encouraged her to spend it on whatever she needed - including the nicest carehomes when the time came for that.
Carehomes are extremely expensive so your mum must either have a lot of money or your sister is quite naive thinking that her home won't need to be sold to pay for it in the longterm.

Tinselrella · 10/12/2011 08:20

Sooty, in no way are you BU (but please call your mother more than once a week). Your sister sounds horrid and very entitled.

Just a thought, and I am sure you would have considered it already. You sound lovely and have your mother's best interests at heart but are a 2 hour drive away from your mother. Your sister sounds horrid and only has her own interests at heart but lives much closer to your mother. Is there any way you could find a suitable care home closer to you so that you could visit her more frequently?

Best of luck, this must all be incredibly stressful for you.

G1nger · 10/12/2011 08:21

I've told my dad that I'd rather he spends every penny and has a happy life. It's his money, and anything left over is a bonus.
OP- speak to your lawyer and see if you can get your sister's POA struck off. Her attitude towards your mother is, in my view, abusive.

Sixyearoldwoes · 10/12/2011 08:24

I think we all have a duty to use money responsibly. But not to live like a church mouse so that the next generation can be in the lap of luxury. It find it hard that my mum wastes money on endless rubbish because of her mental illness when we're struggling a bit financially. But it's still her money and I have to allow her to do it. In a way it's a gift because it makes me determined not to do the same.

lucytails · 10/12/2011 08:26

i think you should remind your sister that it was your mother who cared for you and spent her money on you when you were both young and growing up. I would want to spend any money on making her comfortable as possible, especially if she is a new surrounding like a care home. Think your sister needs to get over herself and think of your mother!!

AnnieLobeseder · 10/12/2011 08:27

Your sister needs a sharp wake-up call that it's your mother's money, and of course you should spend as much of it as you need to on her.

What a bizarre sense of entitlement to think it's in any way hers while your mum is still with you. What a vulture.

Grumpla · 10/12/2011 08:30

Your sister is being a selfish arsehole.

You've had some good advice already about how to remind her of what POA is all about.

Good on you for sticking up for your mum!

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 10/12/2011 08:39

please tell your sister that this money belongs to your mother and if every penny of it is spent, then every penny of it is spent, because there is no such thing as an inheritance when the person is still alive. At that point, it is simply their money.

I can't tell you how much I hate it when people start to think that their parent's money is theirs.

I have experience of this with someone in my life who did everything but put a pillow over their parents' heads and was always on about their parents money. Even to the point of talking about it as their retirement fund. Hmm

anyway, one parent ended up in a care home Sad and much of their money went on fees. Which was constantly moaned about! and then the other parent died and there was bog all money left, and they couldn't sell the house for yonks and when they did it was for so little that it has barely done anything for them. Pays off their own mortgage and a house repair and bog all else.

No new car and no outdoor pool - oh yes. really.

I have a huge grin on my face about it and am extremely happy. The only thing that would have made me happier is to have found a will leaving every single penny to the cat's protection league.

I hate. hate hate hate. people who have their eyes on the prize and act like they just can't wait for the person to die.

I really think you need to tell her straight.

QOD · 10/12/2011 08:42

My dh has POA over his mum (his dad recently died too and he had it for him). Luckily, everyone (he's the youngest of 4) agreed he was to be the ONE to have it. Now he does discuss everything with his siblings but ultimately, what he says goes.

His brother is a bit greedy, "why don't we all take £500 and say it was an Xmas pressie?" - ummm no - the most dad and mum ever gave was £40 and even then, it's up to mum to decide

His older sister is "looking after" the jewellery and will share it out. Ummm no, my dh has ultimate decision - oldest sis has 3 kids, bro has 2, other sis has 4 and we have 1. LONG time ago pa in law said to share between HIS children. So jewellery goes between 4 adult offspring. You can bet your left tit that if sis in law only had 1 child it would go between siblings - you know?

What sickens me in the whole care home (she has dementia, munchausens and a form of anorexia (which she is kind of forgetting about now) ) debacle is that my dh and his siblings had a crap, penniless upbringing. They were the kids left at school on school trip day (before the days of "no child left behind") - they had a card on their birthday etc etc whilst his parents bought their council house and struggled for years. Now it has to be sold to pay for her care and will be spent til there is £23k left. Yet if they hadn't bought it, had paid the rent and actually enjoyed life and been able to afford clothes, food and holidays, it would all be paid for. Grrr.

Such a shame you have to risk your relationship with your sister.

Lastly, my ma in law just uses the home phone to ring us, and we can just ring the desk and they'll get her.

NinkyNonker · 10/12/2011 08:53

My dad was executor of his mother's will (she obviously trusted him, he was there when she died)...but my Aunts emptied the flat of anything valuable first...all jewellery, silver, electrics given to their adult children etc so very little of what was physically supposed to be distributed was there. My dad sensitively asked where it had gone, as we (my sister and I) ended up being the only grandchildren with nothing to show for Granny and he was given 2 silver napkin rings, one for each of us. Hmm At our request he didn't raise it further, they were an odd family with weird dynamics with their mother and this just furthers it. He was given a bottle of champagne by one Aunt for all the hard work her put in though, so that's ok then.

This Aunt used to check granny's cheque book regularly, on seeing 2 cheques for the same amount to my mother she phoned up and asked for a breakdown of what they were for. My mother explained that granny had sent a cheque to buy a birthday present for my sister, the youngest grandchild but one had got lost in the post so sent another. The original arrived a while later and was destroyed. She was then asked if she was sure it had been destroyed, could it not be posted back so Aunt could be sure it wouldn't be cashed. Hmm

They were very careful to not let her spend more than they thought necessary unless it was on them or their children...we didn't get help with Uni or debts like they did, presents were always less etc, but in the end we weren't beholden and didn't need it so it was fine. Hurt my dad a bit though. They were also very cautious with how much they spent on her care, though Granny got her own back and lived to 95 and there was nowt left but the flat at the end.

Very long post, sorry. But yes, people can be so mercenary where this sort or thing is involved

coldwed · 10/12/2011 09:04

Could you not look after your mum in your home or her home? just seems cruel to put her away.

RecursiveMoon · 10/12/2011 09:13

My Granny paid for a landline in her room in a care home, and really appreciated being able to speak to her family now and then. I agree with what lots of others have said, it's your Mum's money, and is to be used for your Mum's day to day expenses.

RecursiveMoon · 10/12/2011 09:15

That's really unhelpful coldwed. The OP didn't ask for comments about her Mum's care.

exoticfruits · 10/12/2011 10:09

You are not putting her away! I have told my DCs that they are NOT looking after me when I am old; if I can't manage I will pay for care.
I had my mother for 5 weeks last year, dependent on me and it is totally restrictive. I love her to bits, but she has been to New Zealand,Canada, Scandinavia when she was my age and come and gone as she wanted-I want the same. She now has her own apartment in sheltered housing, people to chat to, knot with, play Bridge and Scrabble with-she has her sense of humour back and is enjoying life-far superior to being isolated with just us for company.

exoticfruits · 10/12/2011 10:10

Sorry-I just got annoyed with coldwed-OP didn't ask about care.

malovitt · 10/12/2011 11:01

COLDWED you stupid bitch.

Have you ANY IDEA what it is like trying to care for an elderly relative at home when you have your own job and own family/children?
You have no idea of the level of care that the OP's mum needs. My father used to get up fifteen times a night to try to go to the toilet - each time there was a risk of him falling so I had to get up too to help him. I had no proper sleep for years and was like a zombie. We literally couldn't turn our backs on him for a second - he would be over. Think before you post.

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 10/12/2011 11:06

there are times it is downright irresponsible to attempt to care for someone at home! If, for example, they have complex medical needs. Keeping someone at home is not always in their best interests. And what if you have someone who has dementia? Give up your job and stay as their guard 24/7?

get a team of carers in to turn their own home into a nursing home, just so you can say that they are still at home?

It's really really really unhelpful and hurtful to suggest that someone who makes the hard decision to ask a loved one to move into a home where they have a team of professional, trained and experienced people on hand 24/7 to care for their needs is 'putting them away'

FabbyChic · 10/12/2011 11:07

You are quibbling with your sister on how to spend her own mothers money, thats disgusting, whatever your mother needs she should have no matter the cost, if she has money use it. I hate the fact that people think they have a right to what their parents have worked for when they die.

Oh and make sure your mother has a will.

Id make your mothers last years as easy as possible irrespective of cost.

malovitt · 10/12/2011 11:38

Fabby, once a POA is in place, the OP's mother cannot make a will. She is deemed to lack the mental capacity to make one. All wills must be made before the POA comes into force. You cannot strike out POA through a solicitor either. The OP's mum appointed her and her sister to act for her when she had full understanding - it cannot now be changed now she does not.

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