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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to do whatever I jolly well like with my Christmas present?

66 replies

sweetandtenderhooligan · 09/12/2011 15:41

MIL bought us 3 tickets for local Christmas Panto. As it turns out, we can no longer make it as I have a family crisis going on at the moment and we won't be around at the time of the panto.

I've offered the tickets to some really good friends who have very graciously accepted them. They are really good friends, always willing to help out with school pick up, babysitting. They've been good to us and are supporting us through our crisis at the moment which we're grateful for.

MIL wants the tickets back and is not happy that we've donated them to our friends. She said she paid "good money for them" and she would rather get a refund. My opinion is that they were our tickets and it's up to us what we do with them. MIL is furious.

AIBU??

OP posts:
DoesNotGiveAFig · 09/12/2011 15:42

YANBU. They were a gift and your MIL is being a stroppy cah.

TidyDancer · 09/12/2011 15:44

I know the MN convention is that once a gift leaves your hands, you have no say over it, but I think this is a bit iffy. It wouldn't have hurt to give MIL first refusal on them. I don't blame her for being annoyed tbh.

entropyglitter · 09/12/2011 15:46

YANBU

AMumInScotland · 09/12/2011 15:47

Well, they are your property, but it would have been more polite to give MIL the option of returning them, or using them herself, rather than giving them to someone else. It sort of implies you didn't value them very much if you would just give them away like that, though I understand why you wanted to give something nice to friends who have been helping you.

diddl · 09/12/2011 15:47

I would have offered them back for the chance of a refund tbh.

NeuromanticisedVisionsofXmas · 09/12/2011 15:48

Yup agree with MIL mainly, its pretty rude no matter what the present is to just hand it over to someone else. I'd be unimpressed by you too.

valiumredhead · 09/12/2011 15:48

YANBU - a gift is a gift and I doubt very much MIL would be able to get a refund - I have never heard of a theatre refunding tickets - I always thought once they were sold that was it.

Byeckersitsapropercrimbolike · 09/12/2011 15:50

I think i would have offered them back too im afraid, giving them away does seem a little rude, even though i completely understand your reasons for doing so

1Catherine1 · 09/12/2011 15:50

Actually... I'm going to go against the flow here. Personally I think YABU. The gift was for you, I hate re-gifting. I think it is tacky and I take great offense at it. This is kinda the same, you should have given them back to your MIL. Imo, anyway.

TiaMariaandDietCoke · 09/12/2011 15:51

YANBU - as the wonderful Judge Juy would say, you can't give a gift with tentacles - its up to you what do do with your gift. That said, it would have been nice to have given her first refusal on them.

entropyglitter · 09/12/2011 15:52

val yay! We are back together again Xmas Wink

bemybebe · 09/12/2011 15:52

I would be offended if I presented something to my MIL and then discovered that she gave it to her next-door neighbours.

TestAnswers · 09/12/2011 15:56

This does put your MIL in a bit of a difficult situation - she knows that you are unable to use the tickets and therefore her gift is void in a way. Maybe she feels that she will need to buy you another gift to replace it or risk looking mean? Who knows what she is thinking really.
I am inclined to think that as your MIL knew that you couldn't go or was bound to find out then the polite thing to do would be to discuss it with her first - so, yes, I do think YABa little bit U. Your MIL making such a big fuss over it and being 'furious' is more unreasonable though.

larrygrylls · 09/12/2011 16:08

Of course a gift is a gift, but manners are also manners. And the basis of good manners is making someone feel good about themselves. If I gave someone a book I considered a beautiful heirloom, for instance, I would definitely be offended if they chose to use it as kindling for their fire.

The right course of behaviour would have been to phone your MIL, thank her effusively for the gift, explain that you cannot use them and ask if it possible to change the day, show etc.

I find giving them away extremely disdainful. Do people seriously think this behaviour constitutes good manners?

flamegirl77 · 09/12/2011 16:14

FGS there is a crisis going on. Your MIL needs to suck it up and support you. She's a big girl.

Lucyinthepie · 09/12/2011 16:16

Give her the price of the tickets, tell her you got her a refund.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 09/12/2011 16:23

I know a gift is a gift - but I think YABU & rude. The decent thing to have done would have been to ring her up, apologise for not being able to use her gift and ask her if she would be able to use them herself and if not, tell her that you would love to give them to your friend who has been a great support to you during this difficult time as you know she would appreciate them and it would save you having to think of another lovely gift to give her. Doing as you have done really is a bit of a slap in the face to her - it's completely saying 'your gift has no value to me'.

Original poster
sweetandtenderhooligan · 09/12/2011 16:25

Maybe if I explain... a very close family member is dying and it's important that I'm here to support and care for her. It's likely that this person will die within the next couple of weeks. MIL bought these tickets ages ago and we were very pleased to receive them.

MIL is not a hands-on grandmother and has not offered to help out in anyway during our difficult time. I'm fine with that, I expect it from her. We are not expecting another gift from her.

Am i still BU?

OP posts:
starfishmummy · 09/12/2011 16:26

They were a gift to you, therefore yours to do whatever you wanted with them.

Catsdontcare · 09/12/2011 16:26

I think you should have spoken to her first.

Original poster
sweetandtenderhooligan · 09/12/2011 16:27

I don't intend to pass the tickets on to my friend as their christmas present - I'm giving them out of goodwill.

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 09/12/2011 16:28

I also think you should have spoken to her first

larrygrylls · 09/12/2011 16:29

So, Starfish et al,

You would be completely happy if you lovingly chose a personal gift for someone and they gave it away or changed it for money?

Gifts are only legally "yours to do what you want with". Quite clearly, if someone chooses something for you, your obligation with reference to being a well mannered person is to appear to like it and use it. Failing that, you have to apologise to the person, explain (carefully) why it is not suitable despite the fact you really appreciate the thought that has gone into, and only then go ahead and give it away or change it.

FabbyChic · 09/12/2011 16:31

Hmmm a pisstake on your behalf really. She could have got a refund and bought you something else, you never gave her the chance did you?

Original poster
sweetandtenderhooligan · 09/12/2011 16:32

Too busy looking after my dying sister *fabby"

OP posts:
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