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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to do whatever I jolly well like with my Christmas present?

66 replies

sweetandtenderhooligan · 09/12/2011 15:41

MIL bought us 3 tickets for local Christmas Panto. As it turns out, we can no longer make it as I have a family crisis going on at the moment and we won't be around at the time of the panto.

I've offered the tickets to some really good friends who have very graciously accepted them. They are really good friends, always willing to help out with school pick up, babysitting. They've been good to us and are supporting us through our crisis at the moment which we're grateful for.

MIL wants the tickets back and is not happy that we've donated them to our friends. She said she paid "good money for them" and she would rather get a refund. My opinion is that they were our tickets and it's up to us what we do with them. MIL is furious.

AIBU??

OP posts:
NeuromanticisedVisionsofXmas · 09/12/2011 16:33

In theory, gifts are yours and you can do what you like.

In practice, people will hate you.

You could give me a diamond necklace, if I throw it out of the window would you not make a sound, since its mine to do what I like with? Of course not.

You circumstances do make a difference of course, but I still think it would have been more polite to tell MIL you couldn't use them, and either offered them back or asked if you could pass on.
Or indeed to not mention it and pretend you went!

Byeckersitsapropercrimbolike · 09/12/2011 16:34

I think you are still BU unfortunately.

A good analogy made by a few that if you gave someone a bracelet and then saw their next door neighbour wearing it you would be pissed off.

I agree im with your MIL

entropyglitter · 09/12/2011 16:34

larry I have never knowingly lovingly chosen a personal present...if people dont tell me what they want then they get christmas market tat...

Of course if people do say what they want then you rarely get regifting etc. in essence I think christmas is poorly organised and inefficient....

whatdoiknowanyway · 09/12/2011 16:34

We had a similar situation when FIL died. We contacted the theatre and were able to change the tickets for a time we could make later in January.

larrygrylls · 09/12/2011 16:35

Rather sounds to me that you were making a point to your MIL. I am sorry to hear about your circumstances but no one is too busy to make a 5 minute phone call. I wonder whether you would have treated a present from your own mother the same way.

Original poster
sweetandtenderhooligan · 09/12/2011 16:36

I did tell MIL we can't use them but we'd like to offer them to our friends. She wasn't happy about this and said she wanted them back. it's obvious we won't be able to make it because we've had to travel to the other side of the country to be with my sister.

OP posts:
Byeckersitsapropercrimbolike · 09/12/2011 16:38

Sorry to hear about your sister sweetandtender but you asked AIBU, and unfortunately, you are.

But its probably fairly insignificant in your list of things to think about at the moment. Thats totally understandable, but your MIL is also entitled to be pissed off

larrygrylls · 09/12/2011 16:38

Entropy,

Yes, Christmas is a highly inefficient process. It needs to be streamlined to make sure everyone maximises the utility of the money spent. The easiest way to do this is to cancel Christmas altogether and for people to spend the money on themselves. And as for all those calories eaten on the one day and mostly deposited as fat, far more efficient to butcher the turkey into portions and cook one a day for about 10 days to exactly meet energy requirements.

entropyglitter · 09/12/2011 16:38

sweet I think you shouldnt worry about this stuff...I think you have a lot on your plate and if nothing else then your MIL is being petty beyond all belief when there are far bigger things to deal with in your life atm.

bemybebe · 09/12/2011 16:38

so sorry about your sister sweet Sad
also still think yabu. you can pick up the phone and call, it is not that time consuming considering you have time writing on mn (sorry for being so blunt)
in the end you do what you think is right under the circs (speaking from experience as i had plenty of death in my life (dm, dd and db to name a few)

BluddyMoFo · 09/12/2011 16:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

entropyglitter · 09/12/2011 16:40

larry you are reading my mind!

except for fairy lights and seeing people I would def cancel the whole thing!

And in the case of fairy lights they work just as well all year round and seeing people is cheaper and easier when everyone else isnt trying to do the same thing...

So yup cancel christmas as a massive waste of everyones time and energy...

starfishmummy · 09/12/2011 16:41

Larry - I certainly dont EVER give anyone a gift and expect to get it back if they can't use it. Once a gift leaves my hands then it is no longer mine to dictate what they do with it.

In a family crisis I would be rallying round to help, not sniping because they have given tickets, which they can't use, to someone who can get enjoyment from them.

entropyglitter · 09/12/2011 16:42
larrygrylls · 09/12/2011 16:43

Starfish,

I don't imagine MIL expected to get the gift back. She probably said that as was completely gobsmacked by the OP's attitude. I am sure if the OP had explained the circumstances and asked her MIL what she would like to do with the gift, she would have had a very different reaction.

pinkappleby · 09/12/2011 16:45

Could you have asked MIL to take your DD? Maybe with your DH too?

I think MIL will feel bad that a treat she has given you will have been 'wasted' and she could have used the money to get you something else, she wanted to be nice to you, not your friends.

FWIW even if MIL is cross she should button it while you are going through such a difficult time.

bemybebe · 09/12/2011 16:45

The question was not whether MIL was being unreasonable , eh?
the question was whether OP was being unreasonable giving away the gift in that manner...

btw, OP, i think your MIL is also BU to treat you like she does under the circs.

TheFallenMadonna · 09/12/2011 16:48

Under normal circs, YABU, but honestly, given the situation, for you MIL to be furious with you over panto tickets, or any gift, is really missing the big picture.

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 09/12/2011 16:49

normally I would say that you really shouldn't do that because it is rude and throwing her gift back in her face. But under the circumstances, you really can't go. You are a long way away and facing a bereavement.

However, I think that it might have been more tactful to explain that to your mil and ask if she wanted them back / could exchange them for some other show/some other date, before offering them to someone else

but at the end of the day, you have slightly more on your mind that a local christmas panto and your mil should have tried to understand that

larrygrylls · 09/12/2011 16:53

What is unsaid in the OP is almost more telling than what is said.

What is the OP's normal relationship like with her in laws? What does her husband think about this regifting?

It all sounds very aggressive. Maybe I am completely missing it but, if she is desperately worried in the midst of a real crisis, would she really care about her MIL's attitude or have the time and effort to discuss it on MN?

Nanny0gg · 09/12/2011 16:54

Sorry to hear of your situation.
If your MiL had given you a present months ago, you could be doing what you like with it now as it's yours, and no one would think anything of it. It's because it's given now for use now that it's a problem.
And I think under the circumstances what you did was entirely understandable. I think it would have been understandable if you'd shoved them in a drawer and forgotten about them altogther tbh.

thepeoplesprincess · 09/12/2011 16:54

Under normal circumstances, then yes YABU. It would cost my ex-MIL a good half of her pension (for ex.) to treat me and mine to panto tix, and I would perfectly understand her being annoyed at me giving them (and basically her money) away to people she doesn't know.

However, I do also completely take your point that when your poor sister is dying, a few panto tix do and should mean less than absolute fuck all. I'm very sorry.

TidyDancer · 09/12/2011 16:55

I'm very sorry to hear about your sister, OP, but yes, I'm afraid I do still think YABU.

To be clear in light of your new information, what actually happened was that you checked with MIL and she said she wanted the tickets back? And you went ahead and gave them away anyway? Not to be snippy, but why did you bother approaching MIL if you intended not to take her thoughts into account?

I just think while you are technically not in the wrong, you could have just been a bit more sensitive how you dealt with it.

(yes, MIL could be more helpful and kind to you during this difficult time as well)

CeliaChristmasFete · 09/12/2011 16:57

I think under the circumstances your Mil is being extraordinarily insensitive and unkind. Yanbu.

Xmasbaby11 · 09/12/2011 17:01

You should have spoken to her first just to explain the situation. I wouldn't expect her to ask for them back, but it just shows that you valued the gift enough to explain to her that you can't use them.

Having said that, given the reason why you can't use the tickets, it seems incredibly petty of MIL to kick up a fuss.

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