Am I being unreasonable to want a bloody cleaner

[redredruby]

I feel as though I am at the end of my tether, I am so unhappy with the state of my house and no matter how many times I try and tackle the problem it never, ever, ever seems to resolve itself for more than a few days at a time.

My house is dirty, I mean properly dirty, it is messy and untidy and depressing. I hate it.

I actively avoid inviting people in because it is so awful. I don't want to live like this but everytime I try to tackle the problem I don't seem to be able to solve it.

On top of the dirt, we have too much stuff, and it is hard to know where to put it....we lack proper storage and my partner hates throwing stuff away. We will go through a stage of trying to tidy / sort and because we are both tired at the weekend won't finish it, so then there will be piles of shit around for weeks waiting to be sorted. These then invariably get covered in dirt so we have piles of dirt around our house.

I want to get a cleaner to help us so that we don't need to spend our weekends / free time cleaning but because also, honestly, we are crap at cleaning. I don't think paying someone for a few hours a week to help improve our living enviornment is such a big deal.

My partner won't have it.....he says that he doesn't want a stranger in the house knowing what stuff we have.....I have explained that actually most cleaners are professional enough to not poke around and that any cleaner we get will have references.

He wants his Mum to come and clean instead, she did come for a few weeks, last time I said I wanted to get a cleaner, because neither he (nor she!) liked the idea of us spending money on a cleaner. The thing is though I feel that it really changes the dynamic between me and her, and I don't feel comfortable telling her what to do.

I know that a cleaner won't help organise, but they will help us keep on top of things and I am so bloody miserable, particularly because we do try and solve the issue but nothing ever lasts.

I know I am equally to blame in letting the house get to this stage (although when i lived by myself I managed to keep on top of things) but I am pissed off that my partner won't even consider this as a solution.

Please help

Vote from me for a cleaner. Mine is a wonder, and because I know she's coming each Friday, I make an effort to tidy and clear away on a Thursday so she can clean everywhere IYSWIM? (don't want her tidying or vacuuming around piles of stuff)
It's so lovely to come home and know it's all done and our weekend is free to enjoy ourselves with DC rather than spend that time cleaning. Worth every penny. Go for it! :o

So long as you can afford it, of course YANBU. My cleaner does in two hours each week what it would take me about 8 hours to do, cos I'm rubbish and highly inefficient at cleaning. It's hugely worth it for me - that's 8 extra hours that I can spend working/spending time with the kids, plus I'm soooo much happier in a house that looks presentable (like you I used to avoid having people over for coffee etc because I was embarrassed).

Sounds like your DP doesn't understand how important this is for you; if having a messy house isn't something that bothers him, he probably doesn't get that it really does bother you. Try to have a non-heated conversation with him about it (and then, if he still doesn't budge, I'd just go ahead and book the cleaner anyway for a day he's not around, but then I'm stubborn).

How about getting a professional cleaning company in for a one-off spring clean to get it all sorted out?

If you have piles of stuff everywhere I don't think a cleaner will help. You need to throw out/sort the plies and then get a cleaner imo.

*piles of stuff

I have a cleaner because I am a slattern and unashamed of it. Don't be sad about this. If you can afford it get a cleaner or tell your DH to deal with it. Honestly, not worth getting in a state over it. Check references, buy some Mr Muscle and hand over to someone else.

It sounds like your problems are more deep routed than getting a cleaner as whilst a cleaner will hoover, dust and clean bathrooms & kitchens, they are unlikely to spend their time tidying.

I have a cleaner and whilst it is a wonderful luxury DH still spends time tidying up, I do laundry and we both keep the place moderately clean in between visits.

Why is this such a massive issue for you. Do you both work?
I don't blame you for not wanting your partners mother to clean. How do your finances work - do you have a joint account that you could pay her from?

Before you get a cleaner, you need to tackle the clutter, or you will just have dust free clutter..

Get a load of plastic storage boxes with lids. They are stackable, so fill them up with all the junk, and find somewhere to put them. Then get a cleaner, and resolve to sort out one box of junk a week until you have decluttered it all.

My house sounds like yours and I hate it too. I often think it would be great to have a cleaner, but it wouldn't help sort out the mess and clutter. I can understand it would be a bit awkward having your MIL clean, although it's very good of her to offer. Could you send her round to me instead?

If you can afford a cleaner then Yanbu. At least then you would feel you could rely on someone coming in every week or fortnight without having to rely on our MIL? Would she really want to do it on such a regular basis anyway?

at autocorrect, yes, I was very much thinking about getting the cleaner regardless but I don't know, I kind of wanted him to be part of the decision process.

The thing is, I really don't think he cares as much as I do. I know he prefers it if the house is nice but it isn't so important to him. My mum wasn't very well (mental health issues) when i was growing up and a choatic enviornment was one of the results of her illness. I hated bringing people back when I was younger and I hate it now.

I suffer from depression to, and my enviornment has a huge impact on that. The thing is I find it so difficult to organise and sort out and hope that having a cleaner will both motivate me to do the organising as well as take some of the burden off.

Have you tried Flylady? It can help you get on top of things and get in to a good routine with doing a little bit each day, instead of letting it all pile up.

YANBU get a cleaner in. But I can tell you, from a cleaner's point of view, it is very annoying to have to clean around people's piles of stuff ALL the time, like I mean when they never put their stuff away and it's been there for months waiting for them to tidy it up. A professional cleaner will not be poking around in your stuff - your MIL might relish a good rummage tho!!

Seriously it will probably take a load off your mind knowing that the cleaning is done, leaving you to focus on the tidying and sorting of stuff. I do find sometimes people who employ a cleaner start being a little more tidy and organised just due to the fact that they know an outsider is going to have to go around all their rooms, as if they don't want to be thought of as 'dirty' by the cleaner...lol [evil cleaning lady emoticon]

Was your MiL good at the cleaning?

My Mum does mine (she's here now!) and she does a far better job than any pro.

There is no issue with dynamic as I pay her the full going rate.
attack of the guilts at MNtting while dear 'Prumamma is de-cobwebbing the hall

Aw ruby Stick to your guns. It's an emotional issue for you; if you've tried to make him understand that and he can't or won't, then you need to say 'I'm sorry love, but I have to do this for the good of my own mental health' and just do it. Tell him the internet told you to ;-)

being on mums net your ob. a mum
so if you feel its going to make a difference and you can afford itgo for ittell you oh say 4 month trial and if it works carry on--it is stressing and depressing to be sitting in a mess and knowing you cant ever muster enough time or motivation to tackle it.if it makes you happier-it'll make your kids happier -

I completely agree that the cleaner wouldn't sort out the clutter and that there are other issues, but I think the cleaner may take the pressure off a bit......so the hours I would spend cleaning can be spent sorting out. But you know, dust free clutter would be an improvement!

In terms of money, we don't have a joint account, but do split all bills and rent between us. He is doesn't want to pay a cleaner when, in his view, he could get it for free via his mum.

I do appreciate all suggestions.

i feel your pain OP. I work 4 days a week and am really tired of spending my day off trying to clean the house and also spend some quality time with my 18 month old DD who inevitably want to help me clean (que me not getting much done).

DH is reluctant as he seems to think that if we each did a bit each night when we get home from work we wouldnt need one. That would be great if we stuck to it but the fact is i leave home at 6.45am each morning and get home at 6pm most nights having bolted from work at 4pm, picked up DD from nursery and then driven home. I then fed, bath and put DD to bed. DH comes in around 7.30pm. We then try and cook dinner for us. Probably wont eat til around 8.30-9pm. I try and do stuff while he is cooking but frankly i am 16 weeks pregnant and knackered and also, given the time of night i cant do the big stuff i need to like vacume or mop the kitchen floor (cause he is in there cooking).
Drives me around the bend.

So, no advice OP, just sympathy and a sneaky parallel rant.

Have you heard of Flylady? There's a website - a little overwhelming, but start with the baby steps and work through it. Some of it is a bit cheesy, but it's a great motivator and helps me keep on track with things that need doing. Works on the premise that the house didn't get in a mess overnight, so it won't get clean overnight. A big emphasis on decluttering little and often rather than a huge job at the weekend like you have been trying to do.

It really helped me when we were literally drowning in 'stuff' (bought our house from DH's parents, who left practically everything here, so we had our clutter and theirs). We still have some clutter, but cleaning is much much easier now after downscaling the 'stuff'.

Maybe use getting a cleaner as a motivator for decluttering - i.e. once you declutter to the point that the house is basically 'clear' of junk, no mail etc lying around, then you can get someone in to cover the basics (cleaning windows / floors etc.). But I'll bet that by that point you won't even need a cleaner!

Agreed, you need to sort the clutter first and buy suitable storage. Do one room at a time, a bit at a time, and be RUTHLESS. Get decent size 4 boxes and work around the perimeter of each room. The boxes should be labelled: 1. Throw Out (i.e. stuff that cannot be donated), so rubbish/recycling or broken/past it items of no use to anyone. 2. Charity. 3. Keep - stuff you want to keep that will stay in that room and need to be stored/displayed. 4. Re-locate - stuff you want to keep but that doesn't belong in that room.
If it is such a mammoth task, don't feel you have to do it all in one go. Just work at it regularly, and when the boxes get full do what you need to do to empty them and then start again.
Then get a cleaner!

Honestly, if one of my friends was feeling like you, and she told me about how miserable it was making her I would offer her to do a ruthless spring clean. Is there someone you can ask?

I did it for my Grandma a few years before she died. She wasn't helpless or anything, just had years worth of stuff especially since my Grandpa had died five years or so previously. I went round 2 weekends in a row. The first weekend, we went round together with a pack of sticky dots labelling everything that had to be kept (apart from obvious bits like clothes and furniture), we went through kitchen drawers and cupboards, her bits and bobs and established what she really needed. The 'maybe' stuff got labelled for boxing up in her garage or at my Uncle's house, which we would go through on a set date the following year. That done, I returned the following weekend with my cousin, turfed our Grandma out to our Uncle's for a weekend and deep cleaned the whole place. It was a 3 bed apartment and it took us the whole weekend but it really helped her (I think). After that she got a cleaner (she was quite well off though) a few times a week and it just really made things better.

As a working mum myself, I know how rubbish it is spending your precious days off cleaning it can feel like you never get time off.

Vivi - she was better than me at cleaning! But, I didn't feel able to tell her what to do and then there were suggestions about helping us to organise......it just didn't feel right.

lynlyn - rant away! makes me feel better knowing I am not the only one feeling like this!

My cleaner is lovely. Everything WMM said.
Ask around for personal recommendations.
Tell your DP that you don't like the idea of his mum scrubbing your toilets.
Why doesn't he clean the house to save you both the dosh, eh, eh?

Is the clutter mostly caused by your husband not wanting to throw things away or is it all of you? He needs to declutter his own stuff. In our house it's all of us but dh always needs a kick up the arse to start Sortingthrough things to get rid of, but when he does start, he's better than me, more ruthless. I dither over what to keep.

I did try Flylady - you know the shining the sink thing, but he didn't stick to it! I came down in the morning when it had been his turn and he hadn't done it......which then meant the whole thing kind of stopped.

To be fair, most of the time, he does help but it is help that I have to direct.

Brandy - I think my sister would be able to help, I might ask

And the clutter is mainly his! I once managed to get rid of some of his stuff (things that hadn't been used for like 15 years) and bugger me, the bin bag split in front of him so he spotted what I had tried to throw out. So now, he will go through bags to make sure I haven't thrown anything out.....I realise this makes him sound very odd!