Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to want a bloody cleaner

50 replies

redredruby · 09/12/2011 12:58

I feel as though I am at the end of my tether, I am so unhappy with the state of my house and no matter how many times I try and tackle the problem it never, ever, ever seems to resolve itself for more than a few days at a time.

My house is dirty, I mean properly dirty, it is messy and untidy and depressing. I hate it.

I actively avoid inviting people in because it is so awful. I don't want to live like this but everytime I try to tackle the problem I don't seem to be able to solve it.

On top of the dirt, we have too much stuff, and it is hard to know where to put it....we lack proper storage and my partner hates throwing stuff away. We will go through a stage of trying to tidy / sort and because we are both tired at the weekend won't finish it, so then there will be piles of shit around for weeks waiting to be sorted. These then invariably get covered in dirt so we have piles of dirt around our house.

I want to get a cleaner to help us so that we don't need to spend our weekends / free time cleaning but because also, honestly, we are crap at cleaning. I don't think paying someone for a few hours a week to help improve our living enviornment is such a big deal.

My partner won't have it.....he says that he doesn't want a stranger in the house knowing what stuff we have.....I have explained that actually most cleaners are professional enough to not poke around and that any cleaner we get will have references.

He wants his Mum to come and clean instead, she did come for a few weeks, last time I said I wanted to get a cleaner, because neither he (nor she!) liked the idea of us spending money on a cleaner. The thing is though I feel that it really changes the dynamic between me and her, and I don't feel comfortable telling her what to do.

I know that a cleaner won't help organise, but they will help us keep on top of things and I am so bloody miserable, particularly because we do try and solve the issue but nothing ever lasts.

I know I am equally to blame in letting the house get to this stage (although when i lived by myself I managed to keep on top of things) but I am pissed off that my partner won't even consider this as a solution.

Please help

OP posts:

DamnYouAutocorrect · 09/12/2011 13:30

Tbh that does sound a little odd. I used to stealthily dispose of my partner's clutter (things I knew for a fact he hadn't touched in years) but despite being part-squirrel he would have drawn the line at rooting through bin bags to reclaim old tat.

Sounds as though there may be a few issues here between the two of you, perhaps? Is it worth a trip to Relate? (Or threaten him with Relate unless he agrees to a cleaner )

itsbrandybutterandtinseltime · 09/12/2011 13:30

red have you managed to speak to your dp about this? It is clearly affecting you. I know it affects me if my house is a bit messy.

Definitely get an outside party to help; offer to reciprocate for them. Everyone could do with a helping hand to get on top of things!

itsbrandybutterandtinseltime · 09/12/2011 13:32

To be fair damnyou it sounds like the op tried to de-clutter without speaking to her dp first (at least that's how I read it) I'm sure she meant only sweet things, but I'd be a bit miffed if DH threw out a bunch of my stuff without my say so, even if it was my old size 10 jeans I haven't a hope in hell of slimming back into

Laquitar · 09/12/2011 13:34

'my partner hates throwing stuff away'.

This is your biggest problem i think. It is very hard to have a clean house if you never get rid of things. And as it piles up it also makes it harder to shift the depression. Your dh has to learn to throw/ebay stuff fgs. Afer that, what another poster said about plastic boxes. Even a shed if you have a garden and you can afford it. Once you get rid ofthe crap then it is easy to keep the place clean either you or the cleaner.

If you ebay some stuff you can use the money towards paying one off big proffesional clean (incl windows, doors, oven, everything)

Original poster

redredruby · 09/12/2011 13:34

brandy - yes, I have spoken to him (rather heatedly) and he says he doesn't want a stranger in the house [hmmm]

Oh, and I just remembered, he has a bloody lock-up full of stuff that he hasn't used in 3 years but won't throw away...... so there probably are a few other issues!

OP posts:

DamnYouAutocorrect · 09/12/2011 13:34

itsbrandy Yes I quite agree, it's not good to throw your DP's stuff away without checking with them first - I knew it wasn't good when I did it, and the fact that I did resort to it was a measure of how badly we were communicating about stuff. In retrospect, the tussle over clutter was just one aspect of a wider problem with our relationship.

ladderinmyxmasstocking · 09/12/2011 13:35

I found the most useful thing about Flylady was the idea that doing anything, anything at all, is better than nothing. So, if you can't face setting your timer for 15 mins, then set it for 5. If you can't even face 5 min, then just find 5 things to throw away, or even just 2... you get the picture.

It sounds like getting a cleaner will make you feel better and if you can afford it, then go for it. It's reasonable enough not to want your MIL doing it.

Original poster

redredruby · 09/12/2011 13:41

No, I shouldn't have thrown stuff of his away but, it comes to different priorities, he would (I feel) prefer to keep stuff that hasn't been used for 15 years and won't be used for another 15 years, than clear it out and make space for our new life together.

So yes, I was wrong but he still goes through the bin bags!!

OP posts:

witherhills · 09/12/2011 13:44

JUST DON'T TELL HIM

go get some storage boxes, put all the stuff he doesn't use/wear in them. then hide them. If he doesn't ask for them, throw them, or put them in his lock up

Deflatedballoonbelly · 09/12/2011 13:44

Im a cleaner and would relish getting stuck in an helping like that!

Ring around, there are lots about like me!

Figgyrollsintoapudding · 09/12/2011 13:45

I have a cleaner - well an agency with the same cleaner coming once every 2 weeks, spurs me into life and gives me that little lift that I need. No its not cheap but I spend what time I am in the house either dealing with my children or trying to get through the washing. I am a slattern at heart but it has changed our life as we know the house will be tidy and clean for at least an hour and then clean enough to try and keep on top of for one week followed by another week of build up to be busted again. I wish I could afford them every week but at the moment it just isn't happening!

Squitten · 09/12/2011 13:54

Agree with everyone else - you need to sort out the amount of stuff in your house first. You need to talk to your DP and explain how much it upsets you and affects your depression.

On the cleaning point, I'm a SAHM with two small ones and we have a cleaner for 3hrs every fortnight. It's a bloody godsend! She's a safety net for me so that if the house gets on top of me, we always know that she's coming to sort it out and we'll be back to a pristine house every two weeks. Saves a lot of arguments about cleaning and tidying!

Chulita · 09/12/2011 14:03

YANBU, as soon as we get tenants and rent coming in, I'm getting a cleaner. I just look after the children so I do have time to clean, I just want to do other things when the children are in bed in the evening as does DH.
I'm also quite untidy so I reckon knowing someone's coming to clean will spur me on to tidy up at least once a week.

Original poster

redredruby · 09/12/2011 14:40

Thank you all so much for your comments - it has made me feel a lot better.

Right this is my plan:

Get some numbers for local cleaners with the aim that that they start in the new year.

Take a room at a time to de-clutter and sort out.

After de-cluttering each room give it a good clean.

Enlist help of sister to de-clutter.

But, how do I get him to agree to throw things away? And how, do we create a system whereby things are put away? So, for example, what do you do with clothes that have been worn once and will be worn again but can't be put back in the chest of drawers?

How do I get him to agree to keep on top of the cleaning and tidying?

How are we going to make this attempt different to previous attempts?

OP posts:

Deflatedballoonbelly · 09/12/2011 14:42

pile up all his shit and put it on his side of the bed. When he goes to work, re-pile it. He will soon get bored of moving and looking at his shit. So will you, but thats by the by!

PopcornMouse · 09/12/2011 14:43

I was in exactly the same position. I got a cleaner and it really has revolutionised our lives, and I am so much happier.

DH was not keen, but agreed to have a trial of a cleaner (I forget how long he agreed; something like 6 weeks or 3 months). He now luffs her as much as I do :o

PopcornMouse · 09/12/2011 14:43

red I agree with balloon - pile in the corner/next to the bed, or find a shelf or basket you can pile it in

ladderinmyxmasstocking · 09/12/2011 15:04

Ruby that's something I'd like to know as well: what do (tidy) people do with clothes they will wear again, but aren't clean enough to put back in the wardrobe/drawer?

Having a cleaner coming may help with the keeping DP on board, since you will hopefully end up in the scenario of being able to tidy the evening before. The idea of persuading DP with a "trial period" for the cleaner sounds good as well.

HecklerNotKoch · 09/12/2011 15:16

why not get off MN now and do a bit of sorting

every little helps :)

lottiegb · 09/12/2011 15:45

I agree about plastic, lidded, stackable storage boxes (as I've already said to someone else today, should get commission!), they are great for containing clutter.

Before I moved out of my last house I did lots of sorting through and throwing out stuff, much of which was paperwork requiring careful consideration, some with emotional resonance, so a large daunting job. I found that doing a couple of hours once a week, then having a cup of tea and feeling good about having moved forward, worked really well. I'd tend to see it as one great big job otherwise, which was too daunting, or would get done one day, or I'd start and the scale would make me feel miserable. If I knew that stopping after a couple of hours was ok it was much easier and got it done.

Freecycle is useful for anything you think has potential value to someone (unless saleable value, so Ebay etc.) and the passing on of useful stuff feels good. Or, the total lack of interest confirms it need to be recyled / chucked (don't suppose I could interest you in some back copies of New Scientist, so much nicer on paper than on their far too helpful web-site?) .

SomethingProfound · 09/12/2011 17:30

Sounds like you have a good plan there Red! And of course your lovely sister will help you!

amicissima · 09/12/2011 17:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

curiouscat · 09/12/2011 17:44

For decluttering don't bother with those fancy wicker baskets, they just end up as baskets full of crap and you still get mess everywhere. Definitely get a cleaner, please, it will make everything so much better for you.

AmorYCohetes · 09/12/2011 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thunderboltsandlightning · 09/12/2011 18:06

"He wants his Mum to come and clean instead"

So basically he sees it as the job of the unpenised ones in the world to tidy up after him, and as you're not doing it he has another woman lined of for cleaning duties.

Why are you putting up with sexist behaviour like this from him?

Flip

1 2