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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I need advice! I may be BU but what would you do with regards to Christmas dinner..

72 replies

celebmum · 08/12/2011 11:25

We usually have all my family (12 total) at ours for Christmas dinner. This week MIL has asked us to go there for Christmas dinner, DH explained that we'd made plans. End of discussion... Nope!
SIL then calls DH and the basic gist of the conversation is that DH will loose his family if we don't go there for dinner [hmmm]

Cue DH being stressed and worked up to the point of losing his rag re what to do.

I have agreed to give backward and uninvite my family 2.5weeks before Christmas and tell them to fend for themselves. (we have the most room hence them coming here, no one else has room for us all!)
All I ask in return is that DH asks/tells PIL to put the 3large dogs that I am allergic to upstairs for a few hours so that I too can enjoy Christmas day.

I usually only go to PIL for an hour or so and take antihistamines but on CD with all the excitement/kids/gifts etc and the fact that we will be there a good few hours I just know that my allergy will flare up big time therefore making me uncomfortable/miserable. We are currently TTC and christmas falls right in the middle of 2WW so I don't really want to be taking antihistamines at this time..

Hope this makes sense!! AIBU?

OP posts:

NinkyNonker · 08/12/2011 15:50

I can understand them wanting to alternate, and feeling that you always choosing your family is putting them in second place. However, do they know that the only day you can see your family is Christmas Day?

Tuppence2 · 08/12/2011 15:57

TBF to the OP she has said her ILs are invited to her house for Xmas, along with her family but choose not to go...
Now they have made her choose between them and her family, that's pretty harsh when the offer has always been exended to them, they have not been left out and not invited!
WRT the dogs, I think that's a fair enough request, and if they say no, then you cannot possibly attend. It is an allergy, not just some little request as youre not a dog fan.

roundcornsilkvirgin · 08/12/2011 16:06

it all sounds a bit bonkers to me

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 08/12/2011 16:12

Madness.

There's no way I would have uninvited anyone this close to Christmas unless it was completely unavoidable (we cancelled one christmas due to spending it in NICU).

Your inlaws were invited and chose not to come - their problem, not yours.

I'd go back to doing what you were going to do quite frankly - enjoy the day, the inlaws can still choose to come.

As for the dogs - tricky. I suppose it depends on the dogs, there's no way I'd have put mine out for hours on end while there were people there (she'd have howled the place down anyway). Another reason why them coming to you would be better.

ChippingInNeedsSleep · 08/12/2011 16:15

Oh and I don't do blackmail. I would have said 'Don't be ridiculous, you have been invited here for Christmas, if you don't want to come that's fine, but don't try to blackmail us into changing our plans with the threat of losing DH's family - that's barking and I'm not buying into it'. The both of you need to grow a pair!

starfishmummy · 08/12/2011 16:18

Surely putting the dogs upstairs or outside wont help with the allergy situation? Their hairs will be all over the house anyway.

FellatioNelson · 08/12/2011 16:25

I would have thought my take on it was clear from my posts! I'm not saying that the OP is in the wrong or that the MIL is not being manipulative - only that based on what the OP has told us so far, it doesn't sound a clear cut case of emotionally blackmailing PILs making unreasonable demands necessarily. You lot all seemed to have jumped to huge conclusions without probing a bit further I feel.

FellatioNelson · 08/12/2011 16:36

Oh, Ok, I'm sorry I have missed out on a few details...so I see that the OP has ALWAYS invited the in-laws to hers as well, and and they have been there for the previous two years. Fair enough. So it's not a case of 'I see my family on Christmas day and fit youlot in when we can'.

So it seems to me that they prefer not to mix with your family on CD (no offence but perhaps they just want their own immediate family around them - not unusual in that respect, I hate mixing both sides of the family.)

With regard to the OP's mum and sister not getting BD off, I still don't think that should always mean that you see them CD - you just find another day to make special, like CE or NYE, or whichever Saturday is closest, every other year. After all it's not your IL's fault that they don't get BD off!

And re: the dogs, YANBU about those and I would hope they would understand and do whatever is necessary, or agree to come to yours. If not then you are entitled to say 'well I'll come over for a couple of hours but no more.'

But I still think there is a bit more to this story...

MrsWifty · 08/12/2011 16:41

OP, YANBU to want the dogs upstairs, regardless of your Christmas plans or TTC. If someone's got a bad allergy, surely it's a given they'd be kept away? It's basic good manners and hosting.

However, I wonder if you invite your SIL to yours each year as well as the PIL. From your saying that you visit SIL most years, I'm guessing not? Is it possible SIL thinks this could be MIL's last Christmas (or simply that she's had a horribly tough year and needs TLC from her nearest and dearest) and so wants to make sure that she gets a Christmas with all her family round the table together? While I don't think threats are the way to approach this, maybe they're the result of strong emotions?

TheFallenMadonna · 08/12/2011 16:42

Are SIL and her family invited to OP's, because it sounds like MIL wants all her family, or perhaps SIL wants it for her given her significant health issues.

TheFallenMadonna · 08/12/2011 16:43

X posts, and agree!

FellatioNelson · 08/12/2011 16:44

Bingo. That's it.

ViviPrudolf · 08/12/2011 16:56

Fellatio, sorry, I wasn't suggesting you weren't being clear, I was just genuinely interested to hear your detailed take as I agree, a lot of conclusions seemed to have been jumped to.

Original poster

celebmum · 08/12/2011 17:22

Sorry, I had to pop out!

MIL is not terminal, she's poorly yes and its far from ideal but she does have dialysis treatments and drugs etc. Her illness has been ongoing for 15years it's not a sudden thing. She will be and I do hope she is in fact around for many christmas's to come!

As I said in my OP I didn't get the call from SIL my DH did so no I didn't get the full story. All I can say is that DH was very distressed and upset and at one point said I could lose my family over this. And said that that is what SIL had said FIL had said.

I appreciate that it's not inlaws prob that my family work, and just as it would be 'easy' (it really wouldn't) for my family to get together another day it would be even easier for DHs family to do this as they either don't work at all or not over the Xmas period.

No SIL and her family of 6 have not been invited to mine for Christmas dinner.

Did I answer everything?

OP posts:

Original poster

celebmum · 08/12/2011 17:25

Must add that yes it'd be lovely for MIL to have us all together at Christmas but there is a BIL and his wife in the family too and no one has bullied them into going anywhere Christmas day! They're still undecided as to what they're doing, they were going to come here to us but obviously not now!

OP posts:

DamselInDisarray · 08/12/2011 17:55

Based on the new info, it sounds like MIL wants the whole family together, but you're only willing to invite the PILs, BIL and wife and your family, so SIL has to do her own thing. Couldn't you have squeezed in some more, even of it meant having a separate kids' table /picnic?

I used to love being at the kids' table at my GP's. It was in another room from the adults and it meant we could get away with not eating the really vile bits of dinner.

Crosshair · 08/12/2011 17:58

Oh for some reason I thought terminal ment ongoing. Im having a slow day!

TandB · 08/12/2011 18:01

No one who would make threats of cutting you off over a Christmas dinner is worth losing any sleep over.

Please don't uninvited your family. Some of our family had a hissy fit over nothing in the run up to Christmas a few years ago and deinvited everyone with about a week to go. I know that was for different reasons but it was a massive pain in the neck as we had to run around replanning at the last minute.

Do what you want to do and let these stroppy people do what they feel they must.

2rebecca · 08/12/2011 18:05

I think you were unreasonable in uninviting your family. Your inlaws sound awful and if such people disowned me for not uninviting xmas guests I would be happy to never see them again. I would be hating these nasty manipulative people and never wanting to see them again. Over my dead body would we be going there for xmas and if my husband didn't understand why I was unhappy our marriage would be in trouble as well.

helpmabob · 08/12/2011 18:19

Does your sil not get upset that her parents and brother are invited to yours on xmas day but not her. Or am I misunderstanding something?

DamselInDisarray · 08/12/2011 18:26

I don't know, renal failure with several failed transplants sounds like a pretty dismal outlook to me. I can imagine she's feeling quite miserable since her 3rd transplant has just failed and would like her whole family together. That's not unreasonable.

MrsWifty · 08/12/2011 18:42

Tbh, it's a moot point as you've changed the arrangements now, but is there any chance the threat might have got a bit lost in translation between your FIL, SIL, DH and now you? It seems to be there's ample scope there for some serious Chinese whispers. Could it have started with FIL saying to SIL something like "It's a shame celebdad and mum can't come for Christmas, as you never know, it could be MIL's last," to SIL saying to DH: "FIL says you have to come, because if not you might never see MIL again," to DH saying to you "PIL have said they'll never see us again if we don't go to theirs for Christmas." Or any variation thereof.

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